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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Scentedgarden on January 28, 2007, at 17:29:42
i know all my posts have been long... i'm sorry if i bored you all..?
i know i already said this but, i'm in so much pain
and i ahve a few hrs thinking i can cope, and have a handle on it all....
then, bam! ...i think of looking at her and seeing her beautiful face , and not knowing what to say...
how do you say so you got married then? last september..thanks for letting me figure it out for myself, therapist..
she has tried to protect me, but all that time i was still in lovce with her... so , i wish she had told me...
did she think i'd never find out?
did she think i was so stupid i couldnt see her huge diamond encrusted platnum gold wedding ring..?
its night time again here 11.30 pm....and i have my insides being breaten to peieces with this emotion..
and i thought of killing myself today...but i managed not to do that... i prayed and it went away...but now its back ... its deep insdie my right hand side ...just so much pain trapped inside..
i dont ssee her till 27th feb, and i already cant bear the hought of it...so im thinking of calling the whole thing off...
i dont think im that strong anymore to be able to hide and be happy, and just be someone she would want to know outside...
i have to go ..for my own sanity
but what a pity that will be...
3 ND HALF YEARS IN THERPAY..SO LEAVE BUT I CANT FACE ADMITTING I LOVE HER...
SHE WONT LIKE IT...
SHE WONT LOOOK AT IT...
IS IT POSSIBLE SJE LIKES ME AS A NORMAL PERSON, AND MAYBE EVEn HAS FANTasys about me too?
oh...im in agony ..!!!
aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!1
please anyone help me ...
Posted by frida on January 28, 2007, at 19:51:08
In reply to Does anyone here think I should just leave therapy, posted by Scentedgarden on January 28, 2007, at 17:29:42
Hi..
I am so sorry you are in so much pain tonight..
Please forgive me if you've said this before, but why are you ending therapy with her so soon? Why do you have only 4/5 sessions left?
I'm concerned that you are having thoughts of ending your life..
I understand wanting out when it's hurting so badly...Could you call her? I don't think you should just leave therapy like this...It seems you've worked very well together and built trust, and just leaving doesn't seem like it would help. Maybe she can help you through this?
Is she aware of some of the pain you are experiencing?
Maybe you can call her and talk with her so you don't have to carry this pain alone for a month?I am sorry I wasn't very clear in my above post, I don't know what I meant =)..
I do understand deep attachment..and my T has done so much for me that maybe isn't within boundaries...it really is hard to let go of this..
Maybe apart from the feelings you have for your T, you are also afraid of losing that connection?..maybe you are not ready for that yet...I wish you could find some relief to this, maybe talking with her, letting her help you...?
A month feeling this way seems like a long time. Is there any way you can contact her before?
sending you support,
frida
Posted by muffled on January 28, 2007, at 22:21:08
In reply to Does anyone here think I should just leave therapy, posted by Scentedgarden on January 28, 2007, at 17:29:42
Can't talk much, just really feel for you.
Grief, you have so much grieving to do :(
Ya mebbe new T is good thing.
To help you understand grief and move ahead.
Don't think you can w/this present T, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much intense.
I am so sorry, you seem like a good person.
Mebbe be honest w/old T bout prob and goto new T?
I dunno.
Sorry its so terribly hard.
((((SG))))
Muffled
Posted by Barna on January 29, 2007, at 5:52:52
In reply to Does anyone here think I should just leave therapy, posted by Scentedgarden on January 28, 2007, at 17:29:42
Hi Scentedgarden,
I'm sorry you are feeling like this. When I was in a similar situation with my T some time ago, I was also feeling terribly bad because of not telling her what I was feeling for her. Finally I decided to let her know. I had many fears, but even so I told her all my feelings, and it helped.
Perhaps saying to your T that you love her can help you.
I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by Scentedgarden on January 29, 2007, at 20:01:40
In reply to Re: Does anyone here think I should just leave therapy, posted by Barna on January 29, 2007, at 5:52:52
HI barna, thanks for replying ... pls what did she say if you can explain it to me, id be most garteful... but if you dont feel comfy thats kool.. i understand its very private..
hve you read my posts..they are not short...lol?
regards
Scentedgarden
Posted by LadyBug on January 29, 2007, at 22:52:32
In reply to What did she say?..when you told her you love her. » Barna, posted by Scentedgarden on January 29, 2007, at 20:01:40
I hope you don't mind me answering this question.....
.....I remember the first time I told my T I loved her, her reply was, "I think I love you in that way too." I didn't take that as a rejection or a for sure thing that she loved me. It felt ok at the time. That was years ago and I've been seeing her for 10 years now. I told her I loved her a few months ago and she said she loved me too. It was a tender moment, the night before a major surgery for me. She even gave me a hug and she doesn't touch in therapy at all, ever. I don't have erotic feelings for her at all.
I wish I had someone IRL that I loved as much as I love my T and someone that I felt cared for me like she does. It's painful to love so deeply and not be able to take that love any farther. I think you need to talk to her about it when you see her next.
Do you write in a journal? That's a safe place to put your feelings too and you can take it with you to your next visit and read any of the parts to her that you might have a hard time telling her about. Just an idea.
My T told me that my love for her won't "hurt" her and it's ok to love her.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It just shouldn't be. I can't remember why your visits are so far apart and why you aren't going to get to see her after that.
LadyBug
Posted by Scentedgarden on January 30, 2007, at 7:05:14
In reply to Re: What did she say?..when you told her you love » Scentedgarden, posted by LadyBug on January 29, 2007, at 22:52:32
hi ladybug
thanks for sharing i appreciate it ALL so much!
i know its hard follong the long posts i wrote, sorry..
she is weaning me off, thats why its 5 weeeks gap then an appt then 6 weeks gap then appt 7, 8, and then a 6 months follow up which takes me to nexr cristmas.
we are nhs, she has to work to her contract with me. we have had almost 4 yrs together. so that will take it to 4 and a hlaf years ..by the end.
if im allowed to see her , as now i have told crisis care, that work along side the psychologist to give supposrt to patients in between (but they are not very much help) yesterday i was suicidal and so scared i rang thm up and told them i had been having bad dreams and i was the victim of an accidental suicide, ALL FOR A MISUNDERTSNADING IN MY THERAPY!!!! they will HAVE to tell her, they have to by law share the info...so she will know something is up.
i only saw her last tuesday, one week ago - i have 4 more weeks till 27th feb, and by that time i dont know what will happen. as i also went to my GP last night he gave me some drugs to calm me down which i have not yet taken...as i didnt get the prescription fullfilled yet from the pharmacy...anyway i told him my therapy is very hard for me,as my therpaist is trained in CBT, not psychodynamic, and that i have been saying things to protect her from feeling hurt..but now is is TOO much for me to bear.In light of this he may tell her this and decide i had best not see her at all ever. but i dont know im only guessing all possible outcomes.
today i woke up and burst out crying again so i prayed and went back to sleep, as i was really feeling the best thing to stop the pain is to die... my inner child was crying, mummy help me, i want to die!! i love my therpaist on so manny levels, she has been everything to many pasrts of me. a friend , a mum, a lover in my sexual fantasy...
Ladybug, thats for sharing ...Im so gratefuk to anyone who will take a minut or 2 of heir time to help me here. Its wonderful you have such a loving relationship with your therapist. that is just not an option for nhs...no way they see someone that long unless its severe mental illness... this is just the way it is. She NEVER would practise privately, she is very high up consultant. and she has just got married...she has everythign i want EVERYTHING!
I cant even sign my name as i dont feel like a scentedgarden now.
bye
Posted by Barna on January 30, 2007, at 7:25:14
In reply to What did she say?..when you told her you love her. » Barna, posted by Scentedgarden on January 29, 2007, at 20:01:40
She said that she loved me too. She said that our relationship was exclusively therapeutic and that this was all she could offer at that moment. I felt frustrated during some time, but then I accepted the type of love she decided to offer me, and I appretiated her honesty very much. I terminated therapy one month ago and I miss her very much. I e-mail, talk to her and see her sometimes. But despite all my fantasies, I know she will only be my therapist, and who knows, perhaps a good friend in the future.
This is the end of the thread.
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