![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bent on January 4, 2007, at 10:31:18
Over the past few weeks I have become sort of obsessed with trying to change my life. From physically being healthier to mentally. Things like not denying my past, forgiving others and myself…just letting go of things that I feel have held me back in my life. I want to move forward. I’ve been reading books and following their exercises (mostly writing), I have taken an interest in aromatherapy, and tomorrow I start acupuncture. Part of the forgiving and just examining my life has led me into my past to some experiences I had previously filed away and like to pretend never really happened. Two experiences in particular have been bothering me. Neither of which I have talked tom y T about because I really didn’t think of them as being problems that bothered me until I recently “opened” that file in my mind. One of these I know I can talk to my T about. The other…I can’t imagine ever speaking…or even writing. After thinking about these two experiences rather intensely this morning, I quickly slid into a weird funk. I was at work and I couldn’t do anything. I felt so depressed, so worthless, I didn’t want to write about it, talk about it or anything. It felt like nothing could make me feel better or make my life worthwhile. I just stared at things. I caught sight of the razor on my desk and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Like the best way to get me out of this funk was to cut. I haven’t actually cut in over a decade until today. I held the razor for a little while thinking about cutting but also thinking that I shouldn’t. But I pressed it against my hand a few times until it cut. Small cut, maybe an inch. Not much to it, but it was like I woke up. For a little while I was jolted out of that feeling. Now I don’t know what to feel. Shame a little, but better at the same time. I have never had to tell my T that I cut myself. Do I tell her? She knows that I did when I was a young teenager. I don’t see her until next week and by then I will have talked myself out of it I am sure. Maybe I should I tell her about it in a message today so that I cant get out of it next week. I see my pdoc before I see my T though. I really don’t want to tell him. At least not before telling my T. And my T will want to know what I was thinking about and I can’t tell her everything. It’s too humiliating. I hate this.
Posted by pegasus on January 4, 2007, at 11:06:41
In reply to Feeling stuck **SI trigger**, posted by bent on January 4, 2007, at 10:31:18
Hi bent,
I'm sorry you're in this tough place.
You probably know that a lot of us will say that it would be good to tell your T as much as you can. If you can only do that by sending her a message today, then I'd say, go for it. I'm sure that's what she'd want. If you are afraid that it will mean that you'll have to talk about things that you simply cannot talk about, then maybe you can tell your T just that much. Most good Ts won't pressure you to talk about something when you're not ready. But if you put it out there on the table that there is something else that's causing you trouble, then at least your T will have a clue, and will most likely be in a better position to help you. Maybe you could just talk about being humiliated to tell her something. Working on that little aspect of it could be helpful to you, even if you don't want to talk about the actual content of your memory.
Good luck working with this. It sounds really really hard, but potentially a great opportunity too.
peg
Posted by Daisym on January 4, 2007, at 14:28:19
In reply to Re: Feeling stuck **SI trigger**, posted by pegasus on January 4, 2007, at 11:06:41
So many times we resort to a coping mechanism that was effective at the actual time of trauma - those feelings get so powerful that they take over. They are frozen with the event. I think it makes perfect sense to me that if you cut a long time ago, revisiting something that happened a long time ago would reawaken that urge.
But...this isn't a long time ago. So talking it over in therapy is just one way to integrate everything and choose healthier coping mechanisms. We do things for a reason and if we are told "don't do THAT" without a replacement coping mechansm, typically we will feel worse or choose something worse. So coming up with a plan before this escalates again seems really important.
I'm sorry this is in your path as you try to get healthier. But dealing with it once and for all sounds like a good move. I hope you give your therapist the opportunity to help you.
Posted by rubenstein on January 4, 2007, at 16:06:24
In reply to Re: Feeling stuck **SI trigger**, posted by Daisym on January 4, 2007, at 14:28:19
It is always hard to talk about but I find if I don't talk about it I feel realy weird and like there is some big Pink Elephant in the room. Talking about it helps, but I think him knowing helps him help me. Don't know if that helps. Its hard. I am thinking of you.
hugs
Posted by muffled on January 7, 2007, at 22:20:53
In reply to Feeling stuck **SI trigger**, posted by bent on January 4, 2007, at 10:31:18
Well, you don't have to tell T you cut, you could just say you were freaked. Depends on your T relationship of course.
Guess our T's can help us best with whats bugging us if we tell them though....
Hope things going ok for you.
Muffled
Posted by finelinebob on January 10, 2007, at 22:56:54
In reply to Feeling stuck **SI trigger**, posted by bent on January 4, 2007, at 10:31:18
When I look at my own history of therapy, I like to think of what I've been through in terms of four stages:
(1) What I needed to talk about
(2) What I wanted to talk about
(3) What I **didn't** want to talk about
(4) What I wouldn't even let myself rememberIn other words, when you first start you address the crisis that got you in. If you can make it past that and want to continue, then talking about other things that are easy for you is where you go. When you've built enough trust in yourself and your T, and you've gained enough insight into who/what/when/where/why/how you are, then you might be ready to face the really tough stuff. That's where, for me, phase 3 began.
I would get so ANGRY at myself for even considering sharing something I had to keep secret and hidden, I'd actually cross my legs, wrap my arms around my chest, hunch my shoulders up into my head and squeeze my jaw shut so tight I'd feel like I was going to implode or something -- ANYTHING to keep it (whatever I wanted to say) from slipping out.
The part of me that did all that is the same part of me that always denegrates me and punishes me. But after a long, long time spent working with my T and all the support I had from other sources in my life (including Babbleland), another voice grew enough to be a little louder, a little stronger, and it might take 35 minutes to say one word* when those two parts of me battle, but the word gets said. And that makes the second word easier. And so on.
And I get mad as hell at myself for letting it out and that can last for hours, even days, but I've learned to watch that with the kinder part of me and it teaches me even more.
Without this, I would have never learned to forgive myself. I mean, I thought I figured out what I needed to forgive myself for and I thought I'd done it -- but I had hardly scratched the surface until I got on to sharing the things I never want or wanted to share with anyone, myself included.
So ... if where you are and where it has taken you has bought up a behavior that's been out of your life for years, then I'd say you've touched a nerve that runs deep. I'd say you touched it because you have the strength to face it. I'd say you probably developed that strength in part from the work you've done with your T.
And I'd say that it may hurt like hell, or it might make you angrier than anything to share it ... but share it if you can. The Beast loves the dark and the shadows, and the only way you'll tame yours is to get it out into the light. Well, my opinion anyway. Haven't found anything else that works, but it works for me and so it might for you.
flb
*You might guess or not, but I have a VERY patient T =^)
Posted by muffled on January 11, 2007, at 15:09:46
In reply to Re: Feeling stuck **SI trigger** » bent, posted by finelinebob on January 10, 2007, at 22:56:54
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.