Posted by finelinebob on January 10, 2007, at 22:56:54
In reply to Feeling stuck **SI trigger**, posted by bent on January 4, 2007, at 10:31:18
When I look at my own history of therapy, I like to think of what I've been through in terms of four stages:
(1) What I needed to talk about
(2) What I wanted to talk about
(3) What I **didn't** want to talk about
(4) What I wouldn't even let myself rememberIn other words, when you first start you address the crisis that got you in. If you can make it past that and want to continue, then talking about other things that are easy for you is where you go. When you've built enough trust in yourself and your T, and you've gained enough insight into who/what/when/where/why/how you are, then you might be ready to face the really tough stuff. That's where, for me, phase 3 began.
I would get so ANGRY at myself for even considering sharing something I had to keep secret and hidden, I'd actually cross my legs, wrap my arms around my chest, hunch my shoulders up into my head and squeeze my jaw shut so tight I'd feel like I was going to implode or something -- ANYTHING to keep it (whatever I wanted to say) from slipping out.
The part of me that did all that is the same part of me that always denegrates me and punishes me. But after a long, long time spent working with my T and all the support I had from other sources in my life (including Babbleland), another voice grew enough to be a little louder, a little stronger, and it might take 35 minutes to say one word* when those two parts of me battle, but the word gets said. And that makes the second word easier. And so on.
And I get mad as hell at myself for letting it out and that can last for hours, even days, but I've learned to watch that with the kinder part of me and it teaches me even more.
Without this, I would have never learned to forgive myself. I mean, I thought I figured out what I needed to forgive myself for and I thought I'd done it -- but I had hardly scratched the surface until I got on to sharing the things I never want or wanted to share with anyone, myself included.
So ... if where you are and where it has taken you has bought up a behavior that's been out of your life for years, then I'd say you've touched a nerve that runs deep. I'd say you touched it because you have the strength to face it. I'd say you probably developed that strength in part from the work you've done with your T.
And I'd say that it may hurt like hell, or it might make you angrier than anything to share it ... but share it if you can. The Beast loves the dark and the shadows, and the only way you'll tame yours is to get it out into the light. Well, my opinion anyway. Haven't found anything else that works, but it works for me and so it might for you.
flb
*You might guess or not, but I have a VERY patient T =^)
poster:finelinebob
thread:719249
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/721237.html