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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 3, 2006, at 22:17:32
Chicago, this past weekend:
First, the good stuff: getting a babble group together for an evening of good food, good talk, and the wonderful sense of community and safety in thoroughly enjoying the entire evening. I spent the afternoon leading up to the meet-up in terrible anxiety and certainty that it was going to be a bust: lots of snow and bitter cold came in with me to Chicago. I knew that it would hinder at least some peoples' plans, so I worried about their safety and felt that I was directly responsible for bringing such a test to our group.
We had a few who were not able to join us. I had a hard time keeping track of whose plans had had to be changed, difficulty in keeping track of who was who, and even sitting at our table was still stuck on names. Thank you, Ambien. I would like my brain back, please.
My anxiety continued until fully halfway through the main course. I felt that happy tears were seconds away; I felt my face go hot and my ears turn crimson with the combination of fears and iminent tears. I had an enormous lump in my throat and a ball of tightness in my entire chest. Trying to slow down my breathing only resulted in panting. Dr Bob must have wondered what kind of puppy dog had sat next to him. My legs and hands trembled uncontrollably.As the conversation flowed and the understanding looks developed, my mood loosened up, and I really started to enjoy myself. I suddenly found it very easy to speak with everyone - although I know that I actually had an opinion about EVERYTHING, and was quite liberated in being uncivil at times. My DH concurred that this is very different than I am at home. I let it all hang out and swear like a seasoned Marine.
The evening ended with hugs all around from me. Big bear hugs, both giving and getting genuine ones from all. I walked on clouds for an entire day, glowing with the knowledge that I can speak honestly, and enjoy commeraderie with, this group of friends. Me, me! having IRL friends. I tell you, it was the best kind of validation I have felt for a long time... something that I experience every time I am able to visit with a babbler.
And then, today we travelled home. In the morning we ran into a sheltered shopping mall and did another spot of Christmas shopping. All was going well until I attempted to purchase a snow globe, a really cute penguin wearing a hat and scarf, with glittery snow that whirled around, and a lovely, tinkly tune.
It took trips to 4 different cashiers' counters to find one who was willing and able to take our money. At this point my DH was starting to do his "hurry up, we are going to be late for brunch" dance. I was already deep into the credit application that would make the purchase even more of a good deal than it already was. Disapproval from DH. What do we need another card for? It's just for today, I replied. Frowns and sighs from DH. Of course, I felt directly responsible again for having wasted all this time in trying to make a selfish purchase (the globe is for us to enjoy, and not to give to anyone). My mood darkened and my tears started to build behind my eyes.
On to brunch (delicious) and packing our bags (an expert job), with the globe carefully packed to take on the flight home as carry on. I thought fleetingly that perhaps it wasn't a wise thing to do, given the current ban on bringing certain amounts of liquids onto a plane... and then I had no idea what volume of water was in the globe. I mentally shrugged my shoulders and packed it well in my tote bag.
Cue: approaching danger boding ahead kind of music.Then a hitch in our ride to the airport. Our prearranged ride was late, 5 minutes, then 7, then 10, 15... my never-late-for-life DH angrily cancelled the ride and we took a cab (more expensive) to the airport. Do you have enough cash on you? DH asked, Because we are going to need it all. More nervousness on my part as I counted my diminished funds in my skinny wallet.
Got to the airport easily and with enough time to board our flight. Security was a breeze... until that snow globe was passed through the xray thingy belt. Whose bag is this? Mine. Is that a snow globe in your bag? It's too large for your flight. You can't take it as carry on. I freeze, thinking I spent all that time just being able to buy the darn thing and now it was causing its own trouble. I trembled, triggered by the exchange with the security lady who gingerly held the bag open.
Flashback to 1996, when I was deported from jolly old England with my ex-dh (note he doesn't even get capital letters) as we passed through Heathrow on the way back to the States for a job search and planned application for another British work permit so we could continue our livelihood in this country we loved so to live in. The polite and firm Immigration official informed us that we were in the country illegally, and would not be able to return as we had broken the law.
Panic, fear, an utter sense of failure to understand the most basic of overseas employment laws. Immediately my sobs and gulps and tears accompanied our flight back to the States. It was the beginning of my PTSD and I had no idea at the time.Today I had an foreboding of a similar situation. The innocent Christmas ornament would get me kicked off the flight or at least cause me to miss the flight. DH looking panicked. My anger, fear, and mental smack of my forehead quickly led to the familiar gulping sobs. Keep the darn thing, Merry Christmas, throw it away, I don't care, I wish I'd never wasted all out time in getting the thing in the first place. Especially since I had fleetingly wondered if it might present a problem, but knowing that I could not have packed it carefully enough to be certain of being unpacked at home in one piece.
I moved to take the globe out of the tote bag. You may not touch that, ma'am. I snapped my hands back as she reached into the bag to retreive the offending box. Take it back to the ticket counter and pack it in a well padded box, check it as a seperate piece of luggage, and come back through security. I hadn't the time! I choked, we are barely going to make the flight as it is. By now the snot was flowing freely done my face and my eyes were already swelling to their immense, frog-like proportions. I don't care, I mumbled, I don't care what happens to it, just throw it away. I collected my purse, coat, and shoes and stumbled away from the security area.
DH said, I'll take it back and check it, don't worry. It's my fault, I asserted, my fault I insisted on going through the long and time-wasting process of buying it in the first place. All my fault, all my fault. I said, I'm going to the departure gate and wait for you there.
By now a complete and utter mess, I kept my head down as the tears streamed and the snot dribbled down me, sobbing and gulping until I was light-headed. I only looked at the feet walking ahead of me and shuffled down the hallway. Sat at the first empty seat in the lounge and held my hands over my radiating, embarassed face. Tried to breathe in, breathe out, but no control over this panic, fear and anger. What had I done? What if they didn't let this hysterical middle aged flipped out crazy woman on to the flight at all?
The boarding call was announced for the flight. I stayed seated, beating myself up for having messed up what had been once of the best trips of my life. I dug my nails into my hands. Clutched at myself until my fingers felt like they just might give in to the pressure. Anything, anything just so I would not scream out my utter misery and embarassment. My DH arrived just as the pre-boarding was announced. He helped me limp over to the counter and asked that we bypass the other passengers in boarding as my wife is having a problem, as you can see. More tears as my failure brings further attention to us. We board the plane and I toss my purse and empty bag into the first seat my DH indicated. My hands were throbbing, my throat was clenched in fear that I would not make the flight home without causing another scene.
Breathe in, breathe out. It would work for about 20 seconds, then my mind would fixate again on what I'd done to myself. Guilt guilt guilt burning my face, my hands pressed against it as if I could hide and stop the horrible feelings. I am going to have a drink, I mumble to my DH. It won't help you feel any better, he said. from too many experiences with my attempts to self medicate anxiety by drinking quickly into oblivion.
I cried all the way home, 4 hours. My face was unrecognizable from the one I had just that morning. Anger at my pdoc for not equipping me with Xanax to tamp down the anxiety so I could make it home. Anger that my depression was not under any conrtol that I could see, It wasn't enough that I can't sleep, I can't function at all. My t-shirt quickly became my tissue, trying to stem my crying to no avail.
On the home end, luggage is quickly recovered, and a well taped and marked box that the airline quickly packed the stupid globe in. Intact, carefully surrounded by plastic bags and tissue paper. It made it home. My hands ache, by back aches, my head throbs with congestion and quickly, a migraine. At home, I sullenly unpack without speaking with my heroic DH. Soak in a tub, face down and thinking that it would be pretty easy to do my breathe in, breathe out with the water all around me. I don't. I haul my flab over and finish my bath, hating myself. Hating my depression, hating my panic, my guilt. Hating the whole package.
Here I am getting it all out, purging my mind of a perfectly awful day. Feeling that I successfully negated the elation I felt just a few days ago. Wiped it right out in a few hours.
I have a lot to ponder and ruminate over. I have a pdoc to confront. A therapist to relive the experience with. A hard week ahead, when I wanted only to carry on my babble glow and holiday joy. All sucked out of me.
CS
Posted by gardenergirl on December 3, 2006, at 22:43:15
In reply to Long, PTSD Trigger post, posted by ClearSkies on December 3, 2006, at 22:17:32
Oh dear. Such highs and lows in one day. No wonder you felt so awful when you got home. It sounds absolutely draining and exhausting. Just travel all by itself is stressful. And spending such a warm and wonderful time with Babblers (or any friends), is stress as well. Good stress, but stress nevertheless. I'm glad you got through it and that you've unpacked self-care tools to cope.
As someone who's been on the receiving end of big, warm, wonderful hugs from you, I'm happy for those who received them in Chicago. And I'm sending you a virtual hug from here, no security woes to get in the way. Just pure love.
((((((((cs))))))))
Love,
gg
Posted by muffled on December 3, 2006, at 23:06:56
In reply to Re: Long, PTSD Trigger post » ClearSkies, posted by gardenergirl on December 3, 2006, at 22:43:15
Lemme talk to CS....
CS STOP beating my friend CS up.
Sorry you had a meltdown CS :(
Don't beat yourself up bout it.
Just the way it is.
You didn't hurt noboddy but yourself.
Your physically OK and you'll mentally pull yourself together again.
Your DH was good to not let you drink.
You were good not to drink.
Amazing in fact.
Give yourself some credit.
And just split the babble get together off from the ptsd. I am good at splitting.
The babble dinner was the babble dinner. It lives in its memory file.
Then in a COMPLETELY different file, which you put in the back of the file cabinet, you put the ptsd meltdown file. But on the outside of the file, give yourself credit for not drinking, for making it home, for sharing with us babblers,etc.
So when you want to think of the babble dinner you JUST take out that file.
Mebbe that sounds crazy. But I do stuff like that.
Take special care CS.
Muffled
Posted by annierose on December 4, 2006, at 22:34:13
In reply to Long, PTSD Trigger post, posted by ClearSkies on December 3, 2006, at 22:17:32
Don't be too hard on yourself --- I know, I know, easier said than done. But everyone, and I do mean everyone, has days like that. And just because you had a hard time at the airport and trip home, it doesn't take away from the good experience you had in Chicago. One doesn't wipe away the other. You arranged a wonderful gathering of friends. You laughed, you talked, you smiled.
I know the feeling of utter despair and helplessness that you described. It's so unnerving when we feel that way. But it doesn't define who we are as people. You are smart, kind, funny, compassionate, loving, considerate --- try to remember that.
And like you did, always go back to your breath. It's always there for you.
p.s. i had a celebration for my new store over the weekend and my yoga teacher came. that made me so happy!! (he wore a weird hat, even my daughter noticed that)
Posted by zenhussy on December 5, 2006, at 12:28:27
In reply to Long, PTSD Trigger post, posted by ClearSkies on December 3, 2006, at 22:17:32
CS,
The description of what you experienced was so vividly recounted it was as close as one could get w/o actually experiencing the feelings you felt.
sometimes with PTSD it can be hard to understand why a situation is so much "worse" than it really is. it can be difficult to remember, in the moment, that past traumas and memories are playing into the situation now.
your experience and subsequent retelling of it helps more than you may ever know.
when someone asks what is triggered state like in PTSD...........well it is different for most but your post here so accurately gets the
triggered state we'd probably summarize your situation to answer that question.sorry you experienced that. glad you made the connections and understand the reasons behind why you reacted and felt as you did. small comfort for those feelings.
very proud of your awareness of your dynamics. wish that awareness could stop the triggered states entirely........... at least there are longer periods of time between triggers now though.
celebrate your growth and awareness of the situation and that you managed to survive w/o previous less than helpful coping skills.
as a person who deals with PTSD as well even reading your post was enough to got the knot of understanding in our stomach going.
a triggered state, like a panic attack, is no fun. you handled yourself well and you survived.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 5, 2006, at 13:38:13
In reply to Re: Long, PTSD Trigger post » ClearSkies, posted by gardenergirl on December 3, 2006, at 22:43:15
> As someone who's been on the receiving end of big, warm, wonderful hugs from you, I'm happy for those who received them in Chicago. And I'm sending you a virtual hug from here, no security woes to get in the way. Just pure love.
>
> ((((((((cs))))))))
>
> Love,
> ggI feel that love, gg. I'm ever so happy to know you.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 5, 2006, at 13:44:02
In reply to Re: Long, PTSD Trigger post » gardenergirl, posted by muffled on December 3, 2006, at 23:06:56
I *am* grateful that I didn't drink. At the time it was all I could imagine that would help de-escalate my fear. My husband is very supportive and also not at all restrictive - if I had ordered a drink on the plane he would have been unhappy but wouldn't have stopped me. (Nothing can really ever get between me and a drink, I absolutely know that.)
I'm not so good at compartments. I mush everything together and try to look at the overall balance... having Happy boxes and Scared boxes would be a good way to keep me from letting a bad experience spoil an otherwise fantastic one. Having written my stuff out here helped me to put my scared stuff in its own box. I'm so glad I went to Chicago!
Thanks, Muffled.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 5, 2006, at 13:47:46
In reply to Re: Long, PTSD Trigger post » ClearSkies, posted by annierose on December 4, 2006, at 22:34:13
> And like you did, always go back to your breath. It's always there for you.
>
> p.s. i had a celebration for my new store over the weekend and my yoga teacher came. that made me so happy!! (he wore a weird hat, even my daughter noticed that)
>
>My diaphragm ached yesterday - proof that I was trying really hard to breathe!! That and reading whatever was in front of me helped to stave off the Screaming Meanies.
Congratulations on the success of your new store. My yoga teacher has a way of making me feel special and cherished, part of the gift of yoga, I believe.
Thanks, Annierose. Sorry I keep forgetting just where you are!!
CS
Posted by ClearSkies on December 5, 2006, at 13:50:02
In reply to Re: Long, PTSD Trigger post » ClearSkies, posted by zenhussy on December 5, 2006, at 12:28:27
Do you know that when I read a post from you, that I feel like I've been given a gift? A close understanding of where we've been, respectively. This is what I treasure about babble, that it really can make me feel not alone.
Thanks, Zen.
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 5, 2006, at 23:26:42
In reply to Re: Long, PTSD Trigger post » ClearSkies, posted by zenhussy on December 5, 2006, at 12:28:27
Clearskies,
You gave me one of those hugs that "sticks". You know, the ones that are kind of remembered? Like my body were clay and you gave me a permanent hug. I don't know when the last time I had a hug like that was. You are a wonderful woman, and I'm really sorry that you had so much drama with the snow globe.I get pretty panicked on the way to airports too. It's the whole timing thing. It was always a lot of stress in my childhood to get my mom to be on time for ANYTHING. When we had to fly together was the worst. I think that I would be screaming at her, or inside my head for the last 3 hours before we found ourselves miraculously sitting on the plane.
I wish I could give you a hug that "sticks". I don't know if it's as good as Xanax. It's definitely better than Chardonnay, though.
You did an awesome job arranging the party, and I'm glad that you were able to relax enough to enjoy it. That's very natural (hostess-anxiety, that is).
I know that I get nervous whenever I have to arrange a meeting of a random group of internet acquaintances with a history of mental illness and a psychiatrist that I've never met.
I think you'd be crazy NOT to be nervous!!!!
You took a real risk, and you went outside your comfort zone. I'm glad that you did so, however, because I will remember you forever :) and your hug :)
If you ever feel like doing this again, please remember that we psycho-babblers are ADULTS. If we choose to come or not come to a get together, it's probably for reasons that are complicated, including (but not limited to) scheduling, geography, current craziness, anticipated craziness, disorganization, fear, no wheels, no money, etc. There is NO need whatsoever to feel guilty for putting us at risk of hypothermia or whatnot. You didn't create that cold front :) I like the cold, anyways. I've been taking long walks every night. The snow on the ground makes it feel bright in the dark.
(((((((((stickyhugsforClearSkies))))))))))so sorry you had a hard time. So happy you helped us get together.
-ll
Posted by ClearSkies on December 5, 2006, at 23:41:10
In reply to Re: Long, PTSD Trigger post » zenhussy, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 5, 2006, at 23:26:42
>
> (((((((((stickyhugsforClearSkies))))))))))
>
> so sorry you had a hard time. So happy you helped us get together.
>
> -llBelieve me, I remember all the hugs I've been given. Poor Dr Bob stuck out his hand at me, but he never had a chance :-)
Given the opportunity, I never, ever, pass up face to faces with other babblers. Our experiences already make us the special kind of friends that those poor Normals will never be able to know about.
CS
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