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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by SatinDoll on November 3, 2006, at 4:17:00
I can't take life anymore, I can't handle stress that is coming my way from every direction.
Got into a "fight" with my T on Monday, called him up and asked him if he fell on his head or something.
Totally messed up a big solo in my concert. Don't know if my T was there. Don't EVER want to play again. There are some rewards, but lately It is just making me feel inadaquate and a nervous wreck. The rewards are not making up for the low self esteem it is causing me.
Before my concert I planned a massage and accupuncture treatment for my performance anxiety. The place totally messed up my appointment. After my massage, (which was very good), they left me in the dark room for accu, but then then they forgot about me in there! I was in there for a good 30 minutes waiting, then I ran out of time, had to get ready for my concert. So instead of benfiting from the massage, it just brought me to tears all day before my performance.
First getting no sleep because of my fight with my T . He did call me that morning after he got my not nice 3 messages to him. I HATE his new voice mail by the way. If you delay too long in speaking, it will tell you talk louder and then eventually it hangs up on you if you don't say anything ( my mind was drawing a blank) Then I called back to continue telling my T how I am not happy about our session or him and then my message was too long and it hung up. I called up a 3rd time and told my T that his answering machine won't even stop me from saying what was on my mind.
He gave me an extra appointment for this Monday. It seems so far away. I need him more than ever.
Oh yeah when he called me backand appolized, and I said I was sorry for being so critical. He asked if I meant to be critical torwards him, and I am like YA, ( you dummy, what ? was I calling him to say how much I like him?) I said something about our "fake" relationship. He said it wasn't fake, it was real, but a different kind of relationship. Well I said my feelings are real and my appology was sincere.
I am falling really falling and I don't know if I can hold on anymore. I feel like the world is throwing stones at me until I die from being stoned to death. One hurtful rock after another.
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 3, 2006, at 7:19:59
In reply to I am losing myself, posted by SatinDoll on November 3, 2006, at 4:17:00
Posted by Dinah on November 3, 2006, at 9:07:42
In reply to I am losing myself, posted by SatinDoll on November 3, 2006, at 4:17:00
You're under a lot of stress right now, and that's affecting everything.
It happened to me for weeks but when the stress was lifted, I started to feel better.
Now I need to put a bit more stress on myself so it doesn't happen again, but at least I don't feel so awful.
Just remember that your thoughts are affected by the stress and everything else is too. Times of severe stress do pass. When they do, you'll find yourself again. Until then, grab something and hang on.
Posted by SatinDoll on November 3, 2006, at 9:44:49
In reply to (((((((((SatinDoll)))))))))))))))) (nm), posted by TherapyGirl on November 3, 2006, at 7:19:59
Thanks for the hugs and for your other post on my other thread this week. I am sorry I haven't responded, I just haven't had the energy, but it did help me and I want you to know that I do appreciate your comments.
Hugs,
Satindoll
Posted by SatinDoll on November 3, 2006, at 10:13:27
In reply to Re: I am losing myself » SatinDoll, posted by Dinah on November 3, 2006, at 9:07:42
Hey thanks Dinah for being here for me, I feel kinda guilty I haven't been offering much support to anyone lately.
I have been just trying to do the minimum this week with school and the kids. I seem to be needing to sleep a lot, and I am, it seems to help because physically I am exhausted and seem to ache all over. So far it isn't effecting my regular sleep, so it must be what my body needs. I am not even exercising either since Tues, which I usually do everyday,it had only been like this for a couple of days.
I told my T about 4 months ago that I wanted to end therapy at the end of the year. He has been gently bringing it up almost every session, wanting to plan it out, but I just clam up. I really thought I would be ready.
But now I need him especially right now, and I need to tell him Monday, that I don't want to quit therapy, I am feeling worse than ever. I am scared he will say I will need to see someone else, but he did tell that termination is up to me as to when as long as he is being very helpful to me. Which he is still, so I hope he won't abandon me now. But I am scared of the possibility, and I don't want to start all over with anyone else. But I guess if I have to I will. I just wonder if he wants to get rid of me, like he is sick of me for what has been almost 2 years. Isn't that hard to believe? I remember when I first came to Babble, I was only going to go for 6 months.
This Monday will be so hard, I need him, but I am afraid of losing him too. I am afraid of telling my emotions so I am thinking a lot about a poem I want to write a poem called Stoned to Death. But his wifey is a poet too, teaches creative writing at my school, so now I feel a little intimadated to show him my poemsnow. But it seems to help me writing them, like journaling is to some people. Sorry to be rambling on, I haven't been able to post on babble for a very long time, almost like I was blocked, but wasn't .
I just hope my T knows, well I am sure after my last phone messages, that I need a gentle T , not one that seemed to be defending my DH (he said he certainltly didn't mean for it to come across that way, but it is how I took it. ) I am so down, I don't need any more stones thrown at me now. Thanks if anyone read this whole chapter. I think I need to get ready for class, at least I might actually laugh, because this professior who is actually a working T, is so funny. Plus I need to change out of my PJ's in 3 days, ick! I can't stand myself either.
Posted by muffled on November 3, 2006, at 10:37:46
In reply to Re: I am losing myself » Dinah, posted by SatinDoll on November 3, 2006, at 10:13:27
Sorry SD. :-(
Dinah said good things.
Being overwhelmed is bad.
I think your T will be able to be supportive of you.
He's always come thru before.
Take special care of yourself when you can.
Thinking of you,
And caring.
Muffled
Posted by Poet on November 3, 2006, at 16:27:59
In reply to Re: I am losing myself » Dinah, posted by SatinDoll on November 3, 2006, at 10:13:27
Hi SatinDoll,
Please don't be afraid to write that poem and show it to your T. After he's read it, you can always ask him to give it back to you. I don't care (I know easy for me to say) if his wife is a poet, he needs to know what the thought of ending therapy is doing to you emotionally and that you feel like you're losing yourself.
Besides you're probably a far better writer than she is, anyway. Plus she's probably really insecure about her own poetry, and never lets him read it, oh sorry, I'm projecting again...
Post after you see your T and let us know what he says, okay?
Poet
Posted by madeline on November 4, 2006, at 11:16:47
In reply to I am losing myself, posted by SatinDoll on November 3, 2006, at 4:17:00
I am so sorry that everything is so screwed up right now.
Those stress pockets are really tough. It's almost as though you just need ONE thing to go your way. Just one little thing.
I always start buying lottery tickets when things go downhill, figuring my luck has got to change.
You will come out the other side, sometimes you just have to wait for the world to calm down a bit.
I'm thinking about you. Let your T help you. He always has in the past.
Maddie
Posted by SatinDoll on November 4, 2006, at 18:23:53
In reply to Re: I am losing myself » SatinDoll, posted by madeline on November 4, 2006, at 11:16:47
AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
I just want to talk to a nice person, that is all, but why isn't ANYTHING working for me lately?
Posted by SatinDoll on November 4, 2006, at 18:54:06
In reply to Re: I am losing myself » SatinDoll, posted by muffled on November 3, 2006, at 10:37:46
I am in a hole right now, not good at reasoning. I have been sleeping a lot, my body just aches. Normally I got a emotionally eating, but now I am emotionally NOT eating, not even hungry at all.
I listen to the CD's my T burned for me and it just makes me cry. But it doesn't help that all the lyrics are about crying it seems (moody blues, like, Isn't Life Strange. ) I need him right now, Monday is too far away.
But I am kinda scared of seeing him too. He thinks I have been critical of him( I don't know why, asking him if he fell on his head that day and bumped his head, asking if he was playing the role of incompetent therapist at Hallween (my appointment day), or was it just a damn test) LOL Okay, not really funny but he truely annoyed me last week, and I told him that too when he called me back.
He said he appolizeses for making me feel like my marriage problems are my fault and that I need to work harder. Okay yeah right, we have to talk about all the damn choices, right, like grin and bear it, divorse, or working it out. Well when I come in and say I had a horrible weekend because my DH totally emotionally ripped into my *ss, well that isn't the time for my T to say, hey , do you think you might be able to work it out!!!!!!!! F*ck that!
He is lucky all I said to him was "did you fall on your head", I could of said much worse, that little p*cker! Then he says my messages were very critical, well f*ck YEAH where did he get that brillant idea from? he can put that in his pipe and smoke it"!
Well I am going to tell him just how much I feel he is being critical of me lately. Yeah, I am going to lay it out on the table!
Oh, yeah, he also said I wasn't transperent, drew a little chart , said I was uninhibided but not transparent (I leave people guessing). Well he thought he was giving me a compliment, he says he is "atypical" personality too. That at least it isn't boring. Well I guess I took it wrong because I told him how dare him critique me on my social style , when A. he doesn't socialize with me and B. he doesn't talk about me to people I socialize with. He couldn't understand why I got offended with him calling my not transparent, when most people would be offended if you told them that they were. AAAUUUGGHHH!
Well I guess not all was wasted on that session, he did give me 5 min of good advice for my son, and talked me out of trying LSD, just because my Adnormal Psy. teacher made it sound so cool and fun. But my T said "mushrooms" would be less of a trip for a shorter time and less risky. Okay , so what kind do you try, moral, button, or shitake? LOL Don't worry I am going to do this.
So sorry about my rant, but I am ranting as much about my T as I love him, as much as I am hurting , as much as I am so damn sad. I am not doing too good at life at the moment. I feel like telling the world to "bite me"!
Posted by SatinDoll on November 5, 2006, at 12:25:49
In reply to Re: I am losing myself » SatinDoll, posted by Poet on November 3, 2006, at 16:27:59
Hi Poet,
I didn't finish the poem yet, I got it started though. You are right, I should show him anyways, it always made for a good session.
I am so excited about next semester's classes. I will be taking a class on autobio lyrical poems. We will be studying them and also writing them about ourselves. I think it could be very good for me, because writing poems help me think so much better and work things out in my head. Plus it helps the reader know how I feel when I can't express myself verbally very clearly. But right now my poems are dark, do you think that will be okay?
I know his wife is good though, she is a published writer and has won rewards and all. Maybe I should tell my T I feel a little intimadated about showing him my poems now. I think tomorrow morning during my session I will just let him take the lead instead of me. I will let you know how my session goes. Thanks Poet, I always appreciate your advice. ;-)
Posted by SatinDoll on November 5, 2006, at 12:32:38
In reply to Re: I am losing myself » SatinDoll, posted by madeline on November 4, 2006, at 11:16:47
Thanks Maddie especially in chat last night. I think you might be right about me being angry about our boundries and the elephant in the room. It has given me much to think about today while I am cleaning the house being a "good wife".
I am not sure what to talk about tomrrow in my session. There is so much there. I do plan to tell him I want to continue with therapy past this year if he will still have me.I am feeling a little better today, the sun is out, I have been getting a lot of sleep and I see my T tomorrow, so I am making through the weekend. I was so down yesterday, really losing hope.
Thank you so much maddie, I really needed some uncencered advice last night, and you said something about me that didn't even cross my mind why I was so angry. Well back to cleaning. AAUUUGGGHHH! Dust happens, just like sh*t happens you know! There isn't a darn thing to do about it.
Posted by SatinDoll on November 5, 2006, at 12:33:58
In reply to Re: I am losing myself » SatinDoll, posted by muffled on November 3, 2006, at 10:37:46
Hi Muffy,
Thank you for everything, I babblemailed you today. ;-) (TOP SECRET SH*T) LOL
Posted by SatinDoll on November 5, 2006, at 12:34:51
In reply to Re: I am losing myself, posted by SatinDoll on November 5, 2006, at 12:33:58
This is the end of the thread.
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