Shown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 30, 2006, at 21:03:12
Husband and I had a conflict. verbal conflict. over money. i was not convincing him. He was not convincing me.
After about an hour of petulant bickering, I removed myself to the bedroom. husband followed, his point apparently unresolved? brief moment of terror/fury/angst. surely less than 100ms long.
After another 20 minutes of the same conflict, I realized that if I closed my eyes, I could continue to "discuss" without creating a major conflict out of this.
Now my eyes are closed. my mouth is moving, saying what I hear as reasonable arguments for and against my point. I even use dharma. yes. in my dissociation, the Buddha's teaching came to mind. And everything was very far away. husband was removed. 4 feet became 20. my own voice disembodied, as my body shrank. smaller and smaller. and then i decided enough is enough
I pulled the covers over my head.
husband left the room.
i removed myself to a tiny corner. the same corner where i talked to T earlier today. inspired by jammerlich, i put myself there and put a blankie over me, curled up in fetal position.
and it came. the awful moment when reality comes back all in a rush. here I am. right here. and right now. and it sucks. and it hurts. and i'm confused. and my body feels hot and cold and hot and cold and the air is not enough, but i relish the suffocation. so sad. sobbing for 2 minutes. bye bye mascara. next furious. still paralysed.
i rest for an hour. cat comes under the blankie to join me. i meditate on my breath. i calm the rage. now i'm blank again. husband is being kind. i dunno if he has any idea what he just did to me. i dunno if he has any idea what effect a confrontational argument where my logic has no sway and his words have no logic has on my mind.
What a surreal experience to be in an argument and yet be so distant as to feel onself physically removed from one's own voice. in real time.
-Li
and the tip of my right index finger is numb. and i feel deaf in my left ear. i'm so damaged.
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 30, 2006, at 21:42:44
In reply to I experienced dissociation and lived to tell., posted by Lindenblüte on October 30, 2006, at 21:03:12
NOT damaged, Li. Definitely not damaged. You did what you had to do as a child to survive and you still do it. I wish you didn't have to, but I'm glad that you still know how to make your world safe again. And even more glad that you can come out of the other side.
Your words are powerful images.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 31, 2006, at 9:30:44
In reply to I experienced dissociation and lived to tell., posted by Lindenblüte on October 30, 2006, at 21:03:12
This is the first time that I felt it as it was happening.
The first time I didn't pretend that I was "there" when I wasn't
The first time I allowed myself to wander and be in two places at once.
Self-notself? I have no clue.
I'm still trying to figure out how this relates to stuff other than psychology. (i.e. Buddhism)
-Li
Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2006, at 12:37:59
In reply to I experienced dissociation and lived to tell., posted by Lindenblüte on October 30, 2006, at 21:03:12
I've been doing it so long that it feels funny to read what you wrote. I do remember when I first started doing it. And how I would think back where I really was "Wow, they're buying this. Why can't they see what's happening?"
But over time it got more and more familiar, and easier and easier, and I started experimenting with variations, and I got so darn good at it that I overuse it to the expense of other coping mechanisms. And my overuse of it, more than the use of it, has turned out to be a problem to me.
Used wisely, it's can be useful, and is a pretty neat trick. You aren't damaged. You have a skill. What you do with that skill could harm you. But it's not craziness.
And yes, I realize my view of it is colored by the fact that while originally it happened spontaneously and felt more like craziness than a skill, over time I've practiced and honed it and to me it is now a learned skill that I have differing degrees of control over.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.