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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on October 27, 2006, at 19:15:36
I'm home! I know it was only 2 days ago that I last posted, but it feels like its been an eternity.
I went to the ER Wed night. I was there for almost 7 hours... I convinced the pychiatric emergency lady to let me go home (and go to partial the next day) but the regular ER dr wouldnt let me go. So they admitted me. I was NOT happy about that.. but they told me basically I didnt have a choice. I cried when they told me I couldnt go home, and wouldnt talk to any of the nurses.. just laid there and cried in the ER. I didnt get up to the floor until around 3:30am. It was really hard being alone. Then was a time I really wish I had close friends or family.
It was an interesting experience. Not one I'd really like to repeat. There was a mix of people there... a few similar to me, all the way to people drooling in the corner (literally). Most were in the middle. I told the doctor the first morning (yesterday) that I wanted out. I told all the nurses too. I think I made a good case for it though, not just "i dont want to be here".. and I guess they agreed because they had Randy come in during the afternoon to talk to me. I didnt know he was coming, but it felt SO good to see him walk into the room. I almost cried. I really needed that familiar face. I told him I felt worse there then I think I would even at home, and it was the wrong place for me, and he actually agreed. He said he'd try to get me out. And he did. I saw the doctor this morning and talked with some people to assure them that I was safe, and they let me out around 1pm. I had to promise that I'd go to partial again on Monday, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm mostly excited about that... it was really good last time. All the restrictions were hard too.. I guess I've just had so many choices taken away from me in the last month (anne, therapists, etc) that it was just one more taken away.
I had never really felt like a psych patient until this experience. It was so hard.. it didnt matter what I said to the nurses, I felt like they were just humoring me. Like I didnt know what I was talking about. But regardless of how suicidal I was (am?) feeling, my mind was still fairly clear. That was hard. We did "crafts" in the mornings.. good, I guess. We also had group 3 times a day but that was really not too helpful. All I wanted was someone I could talk to, with words.. and tell them how I felt. But these groups were more for lower functioning people I guess and they had us do all sorts of weird activities... pick out a picture that shows how you're feeling today, things like that. It just wasnt for me. Partial will be much better.
They did switch my meds while I was there, so thats good news. Ginny talked to the pdoc about how I am and we're interacting a lot better now. (My pdoc was on call at the hospital this week). He put me on wellbutrin. We'll see. But being there I think helped him to take me more seriously so that was a big benefit.
Here's the best news. Ginny is going to see me twice a week! Shes been saying since the beginning that she cant.. no time. But she said she's going to fit me in somehow. We both think that part of the reason partial didnt help more long-term last time was because I left and didnt have a therapist I could rely on. So she really wants me to get something stable going. She talked to me yesterday at the hospital (on the phone) and also called tonight to see if I was out. She said she'll be thinking about me this weekend and shes keeping me in her prayers. That feels SO good. I think she is a really good therapist. I'm excited that it's going to work out. The pdoc also mentioned the possibility of a DBT group but we'll see on that. Unfortunately Laurie hasnt been calling me back like she said she would, but now that Ginny is more stable, it's easier to take. I dont have to care as much what Laurie does.
Anyway, I guess overall, I'm glad I went. It got the pdoc to really hear me and (I think) is what led to Ginny agreeing to see me. And I did get a sense of how much worse off I could be, which can be helpful. I'd definitely like to stay out of there from now on though. I might drive to visit my parents this weekend just to keep me busy until Monday. They dont know what's going on and arent supportive at all, but at least I'd be around people. I wish you all lived near me.. we could have one great big babble party and I think a lot of people might feel a lot less alone. At least I would. {{{{everyone}}}}
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 27, 2006, at 19:52:34
In reply to I'm home from the hospital, posted by wishingstar on October 27, 2006, at 19:15:36
I know I keep saying this, but I really could NOT be MORE PROUD of you. You did what you had to do to stay safe, you MADE people listen to you, you have a more stable outpatient situation. YOU DID IT!!!!
Not sure if spending the weekend with your parents is better (it wouldn't be for me), but I'll trust your judgment on this.
I really feel good about everything you've said about Ginny. I think she just might be your special T.
Keep on keepin' on, okay?
Posted by SatinDoll on October 27, 2006, at 20:12:50
In reply to I'm home from the hospital, posted by wishingstar on October 27, 2006, at 19:15:36
I am glad you are doing okay, you have a lot of guts wishing star. I am so proud of you. I know you will be fine, it is the world around you that is messed up, not you.
Posted by sunnydays on October 27, 2006, at 20:42:20
In reply to I'm home from the hospital, posted by wishingstar on October 27, 2006, at 19:15:36
((((((wishingstar))))))
You are so strong. I am so proud of you for keeping on and taking care of yourself like you are. And just so you know, a DBT group wouldn't have to mean you're borderline -- I do not fit the criteria *at all* and have been diagnosed with PTSD and depression and I just started a DBT skills group and think it will be really useful. They're just practical skills that can really help one cope with life, no matter who you are. I would highly recommend it. Don't attach the borderline thing to it if that would bother you, because so many other people use it too now.
sunnydays
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 28, 2006, at 10:09:35
In reply to Re: I'm home from the hospital » wishingstar, posted by sunnydays on October 27, 2006, at 20:42:20
Hi Wishingstar,
Remember how last week we were saying that bad things happen all in a row? Well, I think that positive things can happen in clusters too.med change (yay!)
pdoc more helpful (yay!)
more regular, more involved T (yay!)and the best thing- you sound like you've been given a second chance to live- the hospital showed you what the consequences of severe mental illness are. You were able to use this, and learn from it, and decide for yourself that you have a life to live and that you're going to start living it.
Keep yourself safe, okay. You may have a lot of conflicting moods, and maybe the med change will make you feel more out-of-it or unstable or whatnot. Just remember what you've been through, and remember that even from a place of desperation you can find a voice that has hope in it. Best of all- the voice is YOUR VOICE!
I'm inspired by you-
-Li
Posted by wishingstar on October 29, 2006, at 10:39:34
In reply to Re: I'm home from the hospital, posted by Lindenblüte on October 28, 2006, at 10:09:35
I cant tell you how much is means to me to hear you all say that youre proud of me and that I'm doing "good". It really does. Wednesday night at the ER was probably the scariest thing I've done in a long time. Sometimes I dont know how I get myself to do these things... weird bursts of motivation I guess. Stubbornness maybe. But I guess it was good in the end.
I did go to my parents house just for the afternoon yesterday. Theyre only about 2 hours north of me. My parents arent mean or abusive, they are just completely emotionally absent from my life. If I had stayed more than a day or so, it would have started to become hurtful.. but I can take it for a day. I tried to picture something Randy said to me once.. taking the little girl inside and having her go play in the basement for awhile. I told her I'd come get her when it was safe again. Once or twice I felt some feelings popping up and I just talked to myself with that and it seemed to help. I'm not one for imagery and inner child stuff usually, but it worked. Being at my parents house kept me busy and with people and really thats all I wanted - to get through this weekend until partial without feeling too terrible.
Linden, thanks for pointing out the good things. You're so right, but I hadnt realized that. It's so much easier to see the bad I guess. I'm so excited about Ginny.. I think she may be the T I need finally. I'm just trying hard not to put her on a pedastal because if I do, it can only go down. I do that a lot. But even if she made a mistake now, I think I trust her enough that I could forgive her and keep trusting her. Because everyone makes mistakes. But Anne never got to that point. I never trusted her enough to forgive any mistakes. That's a good sign for therapy with Ginny I think.
I got the nicest call from an old professor on Fri night. He taught a women & gender class I took about 2 years ago. We see each other at the gym occasionally, but arent close at all. I guess my advisor from school, who I am close to, let him in on what's happening. He left me a voicemail and said that he was concerned, that he cared about me.. and if I needed a place to stay, or someone to talk to, or anything else.. to let him know. He isnt someone I would have thought to turn to. I'm still not sure that I can... I just dont know him well enough. But I did email him back and tell him more about what's going on. They tell me that I dont let people in enough, so maybe this is a good step.
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 29, 2006, at 10:53:22
In reply to Re: I'm home from the hospital, posted by wishingstar on October 29, 2006, at 10:39:34
You are doing so good -- taking care of yourself AND reaching out to people.
I am bursting with pride!!!!!!
Posted by wishingstar on October 29, 2006, at 12:09:55
In reply to Re: I'm home from the hospital » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on October 29, 2006, at 10:53:22
Thank you :)
But I dont know. Every time I reach out to people it seems to backfire. Every time it does, I ask myself why I continue to do it... but here I am again. I HOPE it doesnt end up just being hurtful. I do. But I'm trying not to get my hopes up either.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 29, 2006, at 14:24:45
In reply to Re: I'm home from the hospital » TherapyGirl, posted by wishingstar on October 29, 2006, at 12:09:55
Hi Wishingstar,
It's hard to reach out to people. This professor of yours sounds interesting. I think this is a good person to reach out to. Here's why-
1) he currently isn't in your life at all, so you have no expectations about how he should be treating you special because of your special circumstance.
2) he is smart and concerned
3) you can treat him as a correspondent, e-mail, etc if you decide that you don't really feel like hanging out with him
4) he's a responsible adult, so you can keep his number in your wallet. If you have some kind of problem, like you're stuck somewhere with no ride, and you're starting to freak out or something, you can give him a call.
5) When you're feeling well enough, you can meet him for coffee and try and keep it a regular date. I have a teacher like that. We have tea on Monday afternoons most weeks. He knows enough about me and my crazy brains to understand when I DO want to meet up with him and when I DON'T want to meet up with him, and he doesn't take it personally. (whew!) Nice to have a buddy like that.Good luck in your partial program. Keep yourself out of trouble, okay? Sounds like you're doing all the right things- staying around your folks' place, staying in contact with the outside world, and you generally sound like you're handling things well.
give yourself a hug from me, okay?
-Li
Posted by wishingstar on October 29, 2006, at 22:24:35
In reply to Re: I'm home from the hospital » wishingstar, posted by Lindenblüte on October 29, 2006, at 14:24:45
Wow, thanks for listing it out like that linden. That does help. Sometimes its so easy to get caught up in the negative, I guess, but you made good points. I emailed him back again this evening and with what you said in mind, suggested we get coffee or something one day. I know from my experience with him in the past that he's a good man,
I'm also very close to my advisor (ex-advior, since I dropped out) at school. We have worked together for about 4 years, published together, etc. She is wonderful and very concerned. She wants to do everything she can to help. Unfortunately, shes a little wacky and her ideas arent always things I feel are that helpful for me personally - for instance, she recently hired an animal communicator to speak to her dead dog - but she definitely cares, and that helps in itself. She invited me to her house today, but I just couldnt do it. I needed the time alone.
Sometimes I wonder if its okay that all my friends/supports are 15+ years older than me. But really, I guess it shouldnt matter, right? I just wonder what I'm suppressing by disliking my own age group so much. Or maybe Ive been in therapy too long and am overanalyzing.. always a possibility too. I'm glad to have both of them.
Posted by wishingstar on October 29, 2006, at 22:27:21
In reply to Re: I'm home from the hospital » wishingstar, posted by Lindenblüte on October 29, 2006, at 14:24:45
...and I dont want to go. Not even a little. I loved Randy and the program last time, so what is this about?
I'm brave. I can do this. It's okay to be scared but being scared doesnt mean I cant do it. It just means I'm scared, but I'll do it anyway, right?
I just want my mommy. I'm just scared.
(My mother and I are not close and she would be no comfort to me right now. It's hypothetical, I guess. Just a feeling).
Not really looking for any responses. Just comforting myself by posting this. I'll let you all know how it's going in a few days.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 29, 2006, at 22:37:16
In reply to partial starts tomorrow, posted by wishingstar on October 29, 2006, at 22:27:21
You can do it. It's hard, but you have what it takes. I hope you get some good rest. (((((((Wishingstar)))))))
you're gonna be okay
stay in touch, if you've got enough energy.
Otherwise, we'll be here when you're ready
cheering you on,
(very quietly, 'cause I hope you already went to bed *grin*)
-Li
Posted by sunnydays on October 29, 2006, at 22:38:09
In reply to partial starts tomorrow, posted by wishingstar on October 29, 2006, at 22:27:21
Maybe you're scared it won't be so great this time? And it might not be as great as the first time. Or it might be ten times better. Or it might be about the same. But it doesn't change the fact that you are great, and an incredibly strong person. I wish I could cuddle you up in a big blanket and give you some comfort tonight.
(((((wishingstar))))))
sunnydays
Posted by MidnightBlue on October 30, 2006, at 0:20:16
In reply to partial starts tomorrow, posted by wishingstar on October 29, 2006, at 22:27:21
Wishingstar,
You are changing meds, right? That right there is a reason to think partial might be good. This way the docs and others can evaluate whether or not the new med might be helping you.
Think of partial as a jump start to getting well.
Midnightblue
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 30, 2006, at 7:04:20
In reply to partial starts tomorrow, posted by wishingstar on October 29, 2006, at 22:27:21
Take us with you and let us hold your hand, okay? I *know* you can do this, too. Please update us when you can.
Posted by wishingstar on October 30, 2006, at 15:07:34
In reply to Re: partial starts tomorrow » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on October 30, 2006, at 7:04:20
This is the end of the thread.
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