Posted by wishingstar on October 27, 2006, at 19:15:36
I'm home! I know it was only 2 days ago that I last posted, but it feels like its been an eternity.
I went to the ER Wed night. I was there for almost 7 hours... I convinced the pychiatric emergency lady to let me go home (and go to partial the next day) but the regular ER dr wouldnt let me go. So they admitted me. I was NOT happy about that.. but they told me basically I didnt have a choice. I cried when they told me I couldnt go home, and wouldnt talk to any of the nurses.. just laid there and cried in the ER. I didnt get up to the floor until around 3:30am. It was really hard being alone. Then was a time I really wish I had close friends or family.
It was an interesting experience. Not one I'd really like to repeat. There was a mix of people there... a few similar to me, all the way to people drooling in the corner (literally). Most were in the middle. I told the doctor the first morning (yesterday) that I wanted out. I told all the nurses too. I think I made a good case for it though, not just "i dont want to be here".. and I guess they agreed because they had Randy come in during the afternoon to talk to me. I didnt know he was coming, but it felt SO good to see him walk into the room. I almost cried. I really needed that familiar face. I told him I felt worse there then I think I would even at home, and it was the wrong place for me, and he actually agreed. He said he'd try to get me out. And he did. I saw the doctor this morning and talked with some people to assure them that I was safe, and they let me out around 1pm. I had to promise that I'd go to partial again on Monday, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm mostly excited about that... it was really good last time. All the restrictions were hard too.. I guess I've just had so many choices taken away from me in the last month (anne, therapists, etc) that it was just one more taken away.
I had never really felt like a psych patient until this experience. It was so hard.. it didnt matter what I said to the nurses, I felt like they were just humoring me. Like I didnt know what I was talking about. But regardless of how suicidal I was (am?) feeling, my mind was still fairly clear. That was hard. We did "crafts" in the mornings.. good, I guess. We also had group 3 times a day but that was really not too helpful. All I wanted was someone I could talk to, with words.. and tell them how I felt. But these groups were more for lower functioning people I guess and they had us do all sorts of weird activities... pick out a picture that shows how you're feeling today, things like that. It just wasnt for me. Partial will be much better.
They did switch my meds while I was there, so thats good news. Ginny talked to the pdoc about how I am and we're interacting a lot better now. (My pdoc was on call at the hospital this week). He put me on wellbutrin. We'll see. But being there I think helped him to take me more seriously so that was a big benefit.
Here's the best news. Ginny is going to see me twice a week! Shes been saying since the beginning that she cant.. no time. But she said she's going to fit me in somehow. We both think that part of the reason partial didnt help more long-term last time was because I left and didnt have a therapist I could rely on. So she really wants me to get something stable going. She talked to me yesterday at the hospital (on the phone) and also called tonight to see if I was out. She said she'll be thinking about me this weekend and shes keeping me in her prayers. That feels SO good. I think she is a really good therapist. I'm excited that it's going to work out. The pdoc also mentioned the possibility of a DBT group but we'll see on that. Unfortunately Laurie hasnt been calling me back like she said she would, but now that Ginny is more stable, it's easier to take. I dont have to care as much what Laurie does.
Anyway, I guess overall, I'm glad I went. It got the pdoc to really hear me and (I think) is what led to Ginny agreeing to see me. And I did get a sense of how much worse off I could be, which can be helpful. I'd definitely like to stay out of there from now on though. I might drive to visit my parents this weekend just to keep me busy until Monday. They dont know what's going on and arent supportive at all, but at least I'd be around people. I wish you all lived near me.. we could have one great big babble party and I think a lot of people might feel a lot less alone. At least I would. {{{{everyone}}}}
poster:wishingstar
thread:698266
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/698266.html