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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by madeline on October 30, 2006, at 6:34:38
Several weeks ago, I had a devastating breakup with a man that I loved more than anything.
I really don't want to go into the lurid details, but suffice it to say I was honest, and he - well, was somewhat less than that.
I will further add that I felt as though I had been kicked in the stomach by something really really big.
When he revealed his true feelings, I left and have had no interaction with him since the breakup.
I've been trucking along, but lately my T has almost been insisting that I call my ex-boyfriend, tell him how I feel and give him a chance to respond.
My T is one smart guy, and I trust his judgement, but his latest suggestion is causing me a lot of conflict.
On one hand, maybe there could be some kind of closure (what in the heck is that anyway), but how I really feel is that I would just be stepping up to the plate and letting that man kick me in the stomach again.
Not only that, but I can't believe that my T would advocate that I put myself in that position to begin with.
I just really don't see how anything good could come from me calling him.
I know this may seem like a minor matter in the big scheme of things, but I could really use some advice.
What would you guys do, trust your T or go with your gut?
Maddie
Posted by madeline on October 30, 2006, at 6:35:21
In reply to I usually trust my T, but lately - I don't know., posted by madeline on October 30, 2006, at 6:34:38
Oh yeah, one more thing, my gut is usually wrong.
Posted by wishingstar on October 30, 2006, at 7:06:18
In reply to I usually trust my T, but lately - I don't know., posted by madeline on October 30, 2006, at 6:34:38
I dont have long to respond because I'm off to the day program again in a few minutes (ugh) but...
First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your bad situation with the now-ex. Even without the details, it sounds like it was very hurtful.
About contacting him though... I once heard a quote that said something like "you never put in to relationships more than you can afford to lose". And I think it's true. I wonder if maybe your body is just telling you, not yet madeline. I dont say that to mean that you couldnt handle whatever did or didnt happen.. but sometimes we just need to protect ourselves, and I dont think theres anything wrong with that. If you're sure that all youll get is more hurt in trying to contact him again, then in my opinion, youre right not to want to yet. I'd imagine the hurt from the breakup is still very very fresh.
On the other hand, I do see your Ts point about closure. I think closure can be very important, but only when youre ready for it. Even if it's not today, there may be a day when you want to deal with him more directly over this issue.. but even if there's not, that's okay too.
You say your gut is always wrong, but I dont know. You know yourself best. Your T is an expert at working with peoples feelings, but still, theyre your feelings and only you can really know what is best for you in the long run. You're the one that will have to deal with the consequences outside the therapy hour, you know? (I hate that about therapy!)
I hope some of this helps. I'm obviously biased. Good luck.
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 30, 2006, at 7:13:41
In reply to Re: I usually trust my T, but lately - I don't know., posted by madeline on October 30, 2006, at 6:35:21
It's hard, isn't it? Obviously, I don't know your T and can't know why he is suggesting this, but I encourage you to talk it through further with him. When my T has suggested things like this in the past, it is to help me break out of harmful patterns of behavior that I learned as a child. Don't know if this applies in your situation, but if you trust your T and believe that he has your best interests at heart, you may want to spend some time thinking about your resistance. If it's coming from true self-preservation, that's one thing. If it's coming from old patterns and events, that's quite another.
Posted by Dinah on October 30, 2006, at 9:06:14
In reply to I usually trust my T, but lately - I don't know., posted by madeline on October 30, 2006, at 6:34:38
I would agree with Therapy Girl.
In the end go with your gut feelings, but your gut intermediated by as informed a brain as possible.
I'm not sure what I feel about closure. It's fine in the movies where scriptwriters know what it is and how to get it. And it not infrequently works with therapists or those who've had a lot of therapy. Although you've probably heard lots of stories here about attempts for closure with therapists that haven't gone well at all. Sometimes it happens in nature, among those who don't speak the language of therapy. I suspect my father knew he was dying, and he said he loved me and apologized when he hurt me more in the last three months of his life than he had in the entire first forty someodd years of our acquaintance.
But...
Sometimes attempts for closure on one person's part aren't met with similar intentions or expectations on the other person's part. Sometimes there are too many feelings, and anger is the result, or sometimes there is just cruelty.
I don't know your situation with your ex, or why your therapist is urging this. But I would proceed cautiously, and not on trust alone, but on your informed judgement. Informed by your trust in your therapist and his past advice, and your gut feelings, and your knowledge of your ex.
It's not really a sign of lack of trust of your therapist to come to a different conclusion than he comes to with the same facts. Wise and wonderful people often come to different conclusions from the same facts.
Posted by Jost on October 30, 2006, at 10:36:53
In reply to I usually trust my T, but lately - I don't know., posted by madeline on October 30, 2006, at 6:34:38
Why does your T think it makes sense to call this man?
I dont understand, I guess.
How would you get closure by telling him your feelings and giving him a chance to respond?
Sorry to be dense, but could there be more that your T has in mind?
Jost
Posted by Phillipa on October 30, 2006, at 20:04:32
In reply to Re: I usually trust my T, but lately - I don't kno, posted by Jost on October 30, 2006, at 10:36:53
If you left this man weeks ago wasn't that in itself closure? I'd go with my gut as if he really wanted to hear from you or see you wouldn't he have phoned or come to see you or even sent a card or an e-mail. Love Phillipa
Posted by madeline on October 30, 2006, at 20:30:36
In reply to I usually trust my T, but lately - I don't know., posted by madeline on October 30, 2006, at 6:34:38
And his point was that when hurt, I immediately pull up the bullet proof glass.
Yeah, it keeps me safe, but it keeps everyone else out.
He's right, and because I am afraid to at least reach out to this guy, I am effectively robbing myself of something meaningful from him.
All true.
But discretion is the better part of valor.
It will be a cold cold day in hell before I reach out to this man for anything.
Period. End of story.
I don't think that my therapist (god bless him, he really does only want what's best for me) will ever bring this up again.
Thank you all for your posts and for helping me to confirm, that sometimes my gut is dead on.
Maddie.
This is the end of the thread.
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