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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 23, 2006, at 11:27:24
Regarding communicating with my family:
I wish there were an easy way to say- don't call me, I don't want to talk to you or see you. I don't want to tell you why either. Just pretend like I don't exist, and I never existed. I'll let you know when I commence existing again.
I wonder when/if they will ever figure out that my current state of communicative isolation is a GOOD thing? Let me get it sorted out first. Really.
Me and T haven't even gotten started on how to understand communicating with my family, my role in my family, my role as an adult in my family, etc.
Can I just say that for now, my Mom's cheery voice (which I liked hearing as recently as 10 weeks ago) really stresses me out? And how hearing my Dad's voice makes me feel yucky, and that I finally understand some of the reasons why [aside from the "reason" that I am a bad person and a bad daughter].
I wonder when/if I'll ever be ready to start thinking about this. I think the folks are starting to suspect that I'm hiding something from them. Suddenly incommunicato regarding my Depression. Suddenly incommunicato regarding my future plans, my thesis, my [substitute anything of personal meaning].
I mean, we've all been pretending "All's Well that End's Well" for at least a decade. Now the daughter, the HEALTHY ONE, the one that never demanded anything, or ever got in trouble. The one that made parents feel like they done good. The one that is successful by any criterion-- is challenging that maxim.
but not yet...?
covertly,
-Li
Posted by Racer on October 23, 2006, at 12:32:42
In reply to Incommunicato, posted by Lindenblüte on October 23, 2006, at 11:27:24
Just as a thought, you don't *have* to tell them why? Considering your current situation, could you tell them that you have to be incommunicado until you get some part of your dissertation done? That you're fried by working so hard, and yet you've got so much momentum going you're putting everything else on hold?
As for the larger issues, that's one thing I'm working on, too, in therapy. (Only one of many, though, so not much happ'nin' on that front...) I'll tell you about mine, in case it helps with yours...
A lot of my inner idiocy comes from a member of my family who is a carrier for all sorts of psychopathology. (NOT my mother, by the way.) This person has a history of saying things that are deeply wounding, and then either yelling at one for being hurt, or ridiculing for the same reason. She was explosively violent at times, and I spent my life being stuck in a dilemma: I loved her, and wanted her to love me, BUT I was also terrified of her. She taught me to hide a lot of my reactions, which is still a problem for me. The violence, even though she only hit me a few times, scared the bejeebers out of me, even though it was usually aimed towards someone other than me.
Now, as an adult, part of me feels the need to confront her about all this. There's a problem, though, with doing that: the person who did these things really isn't here anymore. Instead, there's someone wearing her skin, someone damaged from years of alcoholism and her own psychopathology. She's maddening, still, but a bit pathetic. Confronting her now would feel like kicking a puppy.
My T says that we'll do some of that stuff where I pretend this person is in the room with us, and confront that spectre. Maybe something like that could help you?
We'll do that for my mother, too, of course... (One difference being that I actually have "confronted" my mother a little bit about some of it. And Mother and I have both survived. I'm sure that made it to CNN: "Middle Aged Woman Confronts Aging Mother And Lives To Tell The Tale!")
I don't know, that sort of thing seems suspect to me, but I can see that it may actually help me. If I do it, I'll let y'all know about it...
What makes it so hard for me is that it really feels as though there's no one to "blame" for anything that happened. Partly my own pathology: as soon as I say, "someone hurt me," I follow IMMEDIATELY with, "but it wasn't her fault, it happened because she didn't know better, didn't know what else to do, it really wasn't very bad, it's only that I over-reacted, etc." And the fact that the people involved are so different now, it's hard for me to reconcile that, and the love I really do feel for them, with how much damage they caused. (I nearly didn't write that -- I was holding back, since "they didn't really cause it..." They did. I need to face that.)
OK, I can't offer you any wisdom, so I'll stop. How about I say that I'll like you just as much if you never figure this out as if you do. You'll still be a lovely and delicate linden blossom.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 23, 2006, at 12:52:47
In reply to Re: Incommunicato, posted by Racer on October 23, 2006, at 12:32:42
> Just as a thought, you don't *have* to tell them why? Considering your current situation, could you tell them that you have to be incommunicado until you get some part of your dissertation done? That you're fried by working so hard, and yet you've got so much momentum going you're putting everything else on hold?
Yes, I expect that that would do the trick, except that more than one member of my family arrogantly assumes that s/he has the answer to all my stupid thesis problems. That my question is a dumb one, and my methods provide insufficient "proof" for my hyptheses. Well. Usually *I'm* the harshest critic of my own stuff, but not as far as science goes.
null hypothesis H0: I will never impress certain family members with my scientific reasoning.
hypothesis H1: I will impress my family members with my scientific reasoning.
Experiment: longitudinal study of my LIFE. Dependent measures= degrees, grants, awards, fellowships.
Results: suggestive of competent scientific reasoning, however, falling somewhat short of statistical significance, where alpha = .000001.
Failing to support my hopthesis H1, I cannot then state that I have "proven H0 either. You can NEVER prove the null hypothesis. Now I'm in the purgatory of statistical inference, meaning: Further study is necessary. (hence thesis)
> As for the larger issues, that's one thing I'm working on, too, in therapy. (Only one of many, though, so not much happ'nin' on that front...) I'll tell you about mine, in case it helps with yours...
yes. Well, hang in there Racer. just an arrythmic posting trot. don't hurt your hips or nothing, you hear?
> A lot of my inner idiocy comes from a member of my family who is a carrier for all sorts of psychopathology.thanks for your story. sad that we have too much in common. I won't confront my source of instability, psychopathology or otherwise, for the exact reasons you mention (plus a few extra, thrown in for flavor and variety).
blooming. check.
back to work.
-Li
blovin' the computer after a long weekend away from more than superficial babble sneaks!
Posted by muffled on October 23, 2006, at 15:48:44
In reply to Incommunicato, posted by Lindenblüte on October 23, 2006, at 11:27:24
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 24, 2006, at 7:35:22
In reply to Re: Incommunicato » Racer, posted by Lindenblüte on October 23, 2006, at 12:52:47
Yeah, except I do not have that feature on my cheapo land line, only on my cell phone.
It's okay. the only folks to call my land line are my parents and debt collectors for the guy who moved out 5 years ago.
Then I'd have to hear a message like this
"Hi Lindenblüte, this is your momma. Dad and I were just sitting around and wanted to give you a call [insert saccharine sympathy voice, which I believe is sincere, but I HATE] to see you you're doing. We're very proud of you, and hope that [saccharine voice] everything is going all right. Give us a call, we miss your voice"
ugh.
<DELETE>
lol
I have to call them about once every 4 weeks or else I start to get these phone messages from Mom that sound like she's worried I've got a kidney infection (sorry Elaine, that's my mom's intuition when I haven't called for several weeks) or I'm deeply depressed. Increasing frequency and desperation of maternal voice on my answering machine.
I DO have one secret weapon, though. My HUSBAND can call them (and does this every month or so) just to say hi and chat. He's a chatterbox. Then they can hear that I'm doing just fine, and that seems to ameliorate (I learned that word studying for college entrance exams!) the saccharine phone messages.
ugh.
-Li
at least when I call THEM, I can don my cotton gloves and prevent a massive cuticle munching session!
This is the end of the thread.
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