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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 16:43:52
a complete failure.
I have this one desire, only, on a day like today .. the breeze is blowing, it is absolutely beautiful.. the sun is shining and the sky is blue .. the waves, the water, the ocean, the life ... I want nothing more than to be on the ocean, right now. Living life. Fishing and just being.
And I can't.
I have no boat.
I know no one who goes fishing, I know no sailors. I want to be out there. Even to take my kids to the beach, that would be something. But no. They only want to sit here, in my apartment, on this beautiful day, and not go anywhere.
WHY?
Why won't they
I just was called a crybaby by my daughter.
Because I tried to convince them to come to the beach with me.
And they don't want to.When I was a kid, I took piano "lessons" from my abusive father. I shook so badly it took a superhuman effort to play.. and I did play, I did it, I did what was required.
I raised my eldest to play beautifully, with confidence.
Now he has a career, as well, and friends, and a lot of great hobbies and a lot of things he likes to do. He's physically active. He dives. He plays sports. He swims. He's awesome.I gave him everything I couldn't/didn't have. But it wasn't enough. We aren't close. We don't understand each other, there's so much tension between us, we can't talk to each other. He stays away. But at least he has some kind of life .. and I hope he makes it healthy and better all the time. I'm so sorry I couldn't give him a family. I wanted so BADLY to give him a family. But I don't have one myself, and I'm not enough to be anybody's family, so he doesn't have one. Unless he works at it. Because I won't, I cannot do that. I cannot work to be with people who depress me and are unwelcoming and critical and harsh .. so harsh.
I've tried, but I see now that trying my way isn't enough. I'm not enough. I never was. I may never be. But I have to live in this skin, in this life, for as long as the life wants me. Because to kill myself, would be damaging, too damaging, to the children I brought onto this planet. It wouldn't be fair.
But it's so hard to live. What I am capable of living, can't be called a life. No one who hasn't been there or isn't there now, can ever understand how it feels to be completely isolated from everyone and everything you love, or want, or wish to be. To be alone. Inside your skin, and suffering so much.
I want to be out there. With someone, on a boat, on the ocean, just absorbing life, and there is no one. There's no one.
Posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 17:03:09
In reply to I am blabbering but this is necessary, posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 16:43:52
Before I saw this new psych, who is blowing the whistle on me, talking to the ex-psych and she will not be pleasant about this, she will not be forgiving or understanding or .. who knows how helpful she will be .. it's a bit frightening to think that they are on one side of the fence, together, and I stand completely alone on the other side.
I know my ex-T didn't handle things well. But only I know that. Of course it's obvious that I didn't handle anything well at all, that hardly needs to be stated. One T I spoke to, in an intake interview, said that it was her job to make sure she didn't leave me worse off than before.
My ex-T did exactly that. He did leave me worse off, much worse. He knew it but chose to close his eyes to that. It makes me very very very sad. He's probably a decent person. He probably wouldn't hurt a fly, not if he understood it. He didn't understand me. I was a fly, buzzing and buzzing, and he swatted me down. Down.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to handle myself, my pain, my loneliness, my sense of alone-ness and isolation. I don't feel there's anything worthwhile inside myself, so how can I possibly share anything with anybody? I would bring them down and they would bring me down.
There's nothing to do but die, and I know that, but I can't do it because I have this responsibility I brought into my life.
God help me. Let me write positive, good things. Let me feel good things. Let me bring light and life and laughter into my being. Where is it? How do people exist???? How?
I want people, lots of people, to be in my life. I want to be responsive and responsible and loving and good and kind and decent. I want to be whole. I want to make people laugh. I want to love people, and be loved by them.
But I'm so empty.
My drug was my coping skill.
My drug was my friend and my enemy.
It covered up my pain, but it also brought me more.The new psych I saw on Friday said that I was inappropriate with my ex-T. Inappropriate. She doesn't mince words. She said as much. What she doesn't understand is how badly I feel. How her words cut; what she doesn't understand is there was a responsibility my ex-T did not live up to. She knows him very well, she said, and that's a bit frightening. Because if she knows him very well, they're friendly. Which means their values meet, and of course he will say all the right things, and she will agree with him, and I will be crazier than crazy; in the end, I'll be fodder for them, something to chew on and they can pat each other on the back and sympathize with each other having to put up with us crazies. Only maybe I'm the craziest one he's ever had .. the craziest one he ever had to put up with.
I thought I was in love with him. Truthfully, every time I see someone who has the same stance, the same body posture, body language, hair, anything at all that reminds me of him, I am instantly drawn. I can't help it. It isn't something I can just turn off. I feel it deep in myself. It's just the way it is. I should not have continued to see him. I should have been strong enough to look elsewhere for help. I should not have allowed myself to feel just how badly I crave this thing inside myself.
I crave romantic love. I crave approval and I crave respect, being listened to and respected. He seemed to give me that. He brought that to the surface so intensely I couldn't handle it in a
ny way other than .. what? To live it? I had to live it. There was no one to live it with. I turned to drugs in a major way. Ganji every day, every night. Two to six joints every fr*gging day, in the end. I used up all the good feelings my brain could give me.There aren't any more. No more good feelings. And the whole thing, the time when I thought my T respected me or liked me or thought or felt good things about me, the whole thing was a lie I told myself so I could survive.
I phoned in deep emotional states, thinking that what I said made a difference, that what I was saying could actually be understood and respected. But of course it couldn't. It was done under another influence, a coping skill which wasn't a skill at all, just a trap.
God help me.
Posted by muffled on September 24, 2006, at 18:06:39
In reply to I am blabbering but this is necessary, posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 16:43:52
Hey Susan, mebbe this T will be better.
I totally understand how you feel bout your kids . I the same way exactly.
There is more goodness for you. You just gotta keep trying I guess.
Don't quit. You not a bad person from your posts.
Mbbe this new T can help you understand why you get this way?
Find the roots of the prob.
Cuz you not all bad.
There's goodness there.
And happiness waiting for you.
Just gonna have to fight to it.
Get to it.
Don't matter what those T think. They are there to help you figger yourself out.
Never mind how they feel.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by ElaineM on September 24, 2006, at 22:42:22
In reply to I am blabbering but this is necessary, posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 16:43:52
>>>>>>>>>>But it's so hard to live. What I am capable of living, can't be called a life. No one who hasn't been there or isn't there now, can ever understand how it feels to be completely isolated from everyone and everything you love, or want, or wish to be. To be alone. Inside your skin, and suffering so much.
(((((Susan)))))) :'( You're posts are so painful to read, nevermind feel. You are such an evocative writer that it is hard to take. And maybe cause I may know a little of what you feel. Once I was told, "...I'm afraid you're just gonna have to live with it." and then I stopped hearing everything he said after that. But when I'd play it over in my head at home I'd start laugh-crying (that scary combo) thinking "He called this living?!?! He really has no effing idea what this is like" I can't stand that you hurt so much. And don't know what to tell you. I don't know the path out of aloneness, when everywhere seems to be cut off and dead ends. How do you make hope not seem like a silly concept? I'm not sure. I just try to believe in what others tell me.
I don't know where you're from but can you expressly forbid your new T from contacting the old one. Even if you said to her, "...just for now." Could you explain to her that you'll find it hard to develop trust with her if she is communicating with old T? I only know a little about my own rights so maybe this doesn't apply. I just don't think it seems fair when you don't want this so much. Though I think you're very brave for trying again. I can't imagine.
Would you ever write a "Dear Dr." letter to new T so she can understand how much all this means to you? .... i don't know, maybe it's too soon.
It is hard to have to think of death in order to tolerate being alive. I'm sorry you have so much despair.
safe hugs, EL
Posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 23:33:16
In reply to Re: I am blabbering but this is necessary » Susan47, posted by ElaineM on September 24, 2006, at 22:42:22
You don't have to give me safe hugs, you can just give me hugs. Because I don't feel unsafe with hugs. Really. Hugs feel good. Hugs are a necessary part of living, like breathing .. hugs make life worthwhile. Too many people don't understand that.
The fact is I signed over my rights to privacy on Friday. The new T absolutely has to talk to the old T about me now, and I suppose she'll tell me honestly about that. I have to be tough about this. The only way I can get adequate treatment for my condition is by having it all out. All the ugliness, all the shame, I will just have to be brave about it .. because, well .. I have to know. I have imagined the worst and I can't allow myself to believe that's all there is. But if that is the way it is, then I will need to deal with that.
I already know the world isn't kind. I already know every person is out for him or herself, in the end. We're all alone. We're born alone, we live inside our skin alone, and we die alone. Nobody will understand us the way we can, because nobody has felt the way we do. Not exactly.. Nobody.
Nobody can live my life for me. So even though my ex-T might have a lot of bad things to say, and he may be right from his perspective, and my new T (and it will be my decision as to whether she's right for me....) may be hard on me, if she isn't helpful to me, I have to be strong enough to recognize that and move on. My only desire is to be the person I really am, (and I KNOW that I am a loving, beautiful, wonderful creature, just wounded wounded wounded) without needing to cling to anything or anyone else. I want to give hope and happiness to the world because I feel it inside myself. I don't want to be empty anymore. I have to give life another chance. I just have to. I have kids and not only that, this is the only crack I get at living this life. It's sucked up until now. Absolutely sucked. But I know there are people who have happiness, or at least, contentment .. and I've felt a flash of that once in awhile, and it's been utter bliss, and those moments can make up for a hell of a lot of pain. Can't they? They have to.
The other thing is this T has said she knows a couple of psychiatrists who may take me on, and I wouldn't have to pay for them. I am absolutely broke, there is no way on this green earth I can afford another T and she Knows that. So if she doesn't follow through, that will be her burden to take with her on her life path and I will have to find another avenue for getting help. I've waited over forty years to find out what is the matter with me. Since I was a little little kid I've felt this despair and emptiness and hopelessness. I've been emotionally and mentally abused to a point where I've almost been annihilated but there is obviously something inside myself that is fighting. That's the part that hasn't allowed me to kill myself yet.
This is the end of the thread.
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