Posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 23:33:16
In reply to Re: I am blabbering but this is necessary » Susan47, posted by ElaineM on September 24, 2006, at 22:42:22
You don't have to give me safe hugs, you can just give me hugs. Because I don't feel unsafe with hugs. Really. Hugs feel good. Hugs are a necessary part of living, like breathing .. hugs make life worthwhile. Too many people don't understand that.
The fact is I signed over my rights to privacy on Friday. The new T absolutely has to talk to the old T about me now, and I suppose she'll tell me honestly about that. I have to be tough about this. The only way I can get adequate treatment for my condition is by having it all out. All the ugliness, all the shame, I will just have to be brave about it .. because, well .. I have to know. I have imagined the worst and I can't allow myself to believe that's all there is. But if that is the way it is, then I will need to deal with that.
I already know the world isn't kind. I already know every person is out for him or herself, in the end. We're all alone. We're born alone, we live inside our skin alone, and we die alone. Nobody will understand us the way we can, because nobody has felt the way we do. Not exactly.. Nobody.
Nobody can live my life for me. So even though my ex-T might have a lot of bad things to say, and he may be right from his perspective, and my new T (and it will be my decision as to whether she's right for me....) may be hard on me, if she isn't helpful to me, I have to be strong enough to recognize that and move on. My only desire is to be the person I really am, (and I KNOW that I am a loving, beautiful, wonderful creature, just wounded wounded wounded) without needing to cling to anything or anyone else. I want to give hope and happiness to the world because I feel it inside myself. I don't want to be empty anymore. I have to give life another chance. I just have to. I have kids and not only that, this is the only crack I get at living this life. It's sucked up until now. Absolutely sucked. But I know there are people who have happiness, or at least, contentment .. and I've felt a flash of that once in awhile, and it's been utter bliss, and those moments can make up for a hell of a lot of pain. Can't they? They have to.
The other thing is this T has said she knows a couple of psychiatrists who may take me on, and I wouldn't have to pay for them. I am absolutely broke, there is no way on this green earth I can afford another T and she Knows that. So if she doesn't follow through, that will be her burden to take with her on her life path and I will have to find another avenue for getting help. I've waited over forty years to find out what is the matter with me. Since I was a little little kid I've felt this despair and emptiness and hopelessness. I've been emotionally and mentally abused to a point where I've almost been annihilated but there is obviously something inside myself that is fighting. That's the part that hasn't allowed me to kill myself yet.
poster:Susan47
thread:688752
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688918.html