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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunnydays on September 15, 2006, at 22:03:53
Is it okay to wish my T were my father?
We talked today about my feelings a little, and he said, "I know I'm not your father, but is it something like what you would feel towards a father, strong like that?" And it is exactly. And he says it's okay, but I'm scared. Although I haven't said it specifically as I wish he was my father, just that he's important to me. And he said even if he did get mad or something, he would be okay.
I don't know. I'm just scared.
sunnydays
Posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2006, at 3:40:31
In reply to is this ok?, posted by sunnydays on September 15, 2006, at 22:03:53
yeah. its okay.
its meant to be okay.
but scary too...
scary too...
feeling vulnerable
giving him the power to hurt
(sometimes it isn't even a gift it just happens)
but its meant to be okay.what happened with your father?
Posted by Racer on September 16, 2006, at 13:34:21
In reply to is this ok?, posted by sunnydays on September 15, 2006, at 22:03:53
Now, I'm not an expert, but I've talked about something a little similar with my T. I work hard at NOT seeing her as an Authority Figure -- where I have my problems -- and she says that I kinda have to, that that's the transference that needs to happen in order for therapy to be successful.
I know that's different from what you're saying, in that I'm not wishing she was my "parental figure" or the equivalent, but I think it's similar enough. That we kinda have to transfer to them the unresolved feelings we have so that we can resolve them.
But, regardless, I think it's OK that you wish your T was your father...
Posted by Daisym on September 17, 2006, at 0:28:32
In reply to is this ok?, posted by sunnydays on September 15, 2006, at 22:03:53
My therapist would say that is not only OK but that it is absolutely necessary for healing. You need to have strong attachment feelings in order to work through all these hurts. They will help you stay with it when the going gets tough. And other fears and issues will surface around these feelings.
And don't be surprised if they shift and change. I was shocked when I realized that some of the intense little kid longings had shifted into adult longings and it was so confusing. But even then, it was still OK.
I do know how hard this is and how scary. But you have a good therapist. You'll be OK.
((((sunnydays))))
Posted by sunnydays on September 17, 2006, at 10:33:09
In reply to Re: is this ok? » sunnydays, posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2006, at 3:40:31
Thank you. I know it's okay and meant to be okay, I just wish I could really feel it. Know what I mean? Nothing in particular happened with my father - most of what happened was actually with my mother - but he was pretty absent when I was little - he traveled a lot for work, and when he was home, he watched TV and didn't want to be disturbed most of the time. So I never really had an appropriate father figure. But I think it's more the stuff with my mother that's making me wish my T had been there to protect me.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on September 17, 2006, at 10:35:24
In reply to Re: is this ok? » sunnydays, posted by Racer on September 16, 2006, at 13:34:21
Thanks, Racer. And that does make sense about needing to resolve the unresolved feelings. My T just says it's part of healing, and it won't last forever, but that it's perfectly normal and OK for now. Although the 'for now' part causes me all sorts of new anxieties, because what if I don't know when I'm supposed to stop feeling like that? :)
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on September 17, 2006, at 10:41:23
In reply to Re: is this ok?, posted by Daisym on September 17, 2006, at 0:28:32
Thank you. My therapist says it's normal, too, but I have such a hard time actually feeling that it's okay. Won't I be too much? Won't he get sick of me? I think I might die from embarrassment if the feelings shifted, although it would be interesting. I'm kind of a freak because I'm 20 and I've never had a boyfriend at all, so I'd rather I felt that way about someone my own age (although the key would be for him to feel the same way back...). But I suppose anything can happen. Plus, my T is a little old for that to happen (he's old enough to be my father) -- although he said a long time ago that it would be normal if that were to happen, that it's happened to him with a therapist much older than himself in his therapy. He really does try to make it okay for me to feel whatever I am feeling. It's just my own fears and worries that seem to throw a wrench in everything.
And your last line was just so perfect. It is really really hard. It's the fact that I'll be okay that I have a hard time believing. And he is good, so I have to try to trust that, I guess. But it's so hard! (my T is really trying to get me stop saying that and to put a feeling to it, like I'm sad or angry that I have to do this or something... but that's awfully hard too).
sunnydays
Posted by Racer on September 17, 2006, at 13:56:18
In reply to Re: is this ok? » Daisym, posted by sunnydays on September 17, 2006, at 10:41:23
> But it's so hard! (my T is really trying to get me stop saying that and to put a feeling to it, like I'm sad or angry that I have to do this or something... but that's awfully hard too).
>
>FallsFall came up with something she calls "Emotional Confetti," which helps a lot with that. She helped me make some, too, and it really is helpful.
You write down all the emotion words you can, cut them apart into individual words, and toss them into the air. When they come down, pick them up one at a time, and see if it fits what you're feeling. If it doesn't, put it away. If it does, put it aside. When you're done, see what you're feeling -- there's likely some pattern you'll see. Sometimes, you'll pick one word, then later find another that fits better, so you can replace the one that you picked first.
It's not a method for the pathologically detail oriented (how's that for a polite way of putting it?), but if you just do it in a sort of playful way, it helps you learn to identify your feelings.
When I first heard of it, I said, "Ah, that's too silly -- I"ll just read down this list of emotion words and do it that way." That didn't work for me, though. It really did need to be individual words, otherwise I was thinking too much and feeling too little.
Hope that helps.
Posted by Racer on September 17, 2006, at 14:00:28
In reply to Re: is this ok? » Racer, posted by sunnydays on September 17, 2006, at 10:35:24
> Although the 'for now' part causes me all sorts of new anxieties, because what if I don't know when I'm supposed to stop feeling like that? :)
>
> sunnydaysYou're supposed to stop feeling like that when you stop feeling like that...
Truly -- that's one of the hardest things for me to get a grip on: there's no "supposed to" in feelings. If I feel this way, no one can tell me that I'm "not supposed to" feel this way. Feelings just ARE.
Now, ask me if that means I don't get to feeling cr@ppy because I'm "not supposed to" feel a certain way? hahahahahahaha! Yeah, right, that's a good one! Of course I still feel as though there's something wrong with me because I'm "not supposed to" feel whatever I'm feeling. But at least now I can remind myself that there are no "supposed to's" in emotions...
Hope that helps you. (Just, you know, don't leave me too far behind you in the dust by learning it too fast, 'K?)
Posted by Dinah on September 19, 2006, at 7:45:13
In reply to Re: is this ok? » Racer, posted by sunnydays on September 17, 2006, at 10:35:24
:)
My therapist used to say things like that in a mistaken effort to reassure me. Apparently the greatest fear for many people is that it will last forever. (shakes head in wonder) But he figured out that that wasn't my greatest fear, and whatever he might smilingly think to himself (my therapist smiles when he thinks things he'd rather not share with me) to me he says that it's ok if I feel that way forever.
Actually, I imagine he thinks that with all pressure to feel differently removed, I'll be able to feel differently on my own.
Posted by sunnydays on September 23, 2006, at 16:30:22
In reply to Fallsfall has a great idea for this » sunnydays, posted by Racer on September 17, 2006, at 13:56:18
I think that might be helpful - I just have to find time to make it... I'm very busy with school right now, so it's hard to find time to do anything. But I'm also thinking of joining a group that might help me a little with that (I posted below). Thanks for the idea!
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on September 23, 2006, at 16:31:28
In reply to I can answer that one! » sunnydays, posted by Racer on September 17, 2006, at 14:00:28
Thanks, Racer. Yeah, I'll make sure not catch on too fast. :) I know all that at one level, it's just believing it in relation to myself that's the problem. Sorry I didn't reply earlier, I had a bad cold and was exhausted for a few days.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on September 23, 2006, at 16:32:45
In reply to Re: is this ok? » sunnydays, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2006, at 7:45:13
Thanks Dinah. Yeah, I'm not afraid of it lasting, except I think it'll be really painful when I graduate and have to stop seeing him. I'm also afraid that he's going to decide he's sick of it. Thanks for the response though. I would have replied earlier, but I got a bad cold and was pretty exhausted.
sunnydays
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