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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 12:59:13
When I interact w/people, here on babble, at kids school, on the street, w/T, etc. Its like I end up feeling like the worlds biggest f*cking MORON.
Freak of the century.
I am SUCH an idiot.
I say stupid things, I do stupid things.
I don't get stuff, I miss stuff.
Yeah, too stupid to live, to dumb to die.
God I hate myself sometimes.
Why do I get like this??????????????????????????///
Shitheadmuffly.
My new name.
:-(
NO hugs, if you touch me you'll get stinking muffleshit on you.
F*ck off world.
Just f*ck right off.
Posted by ElaineM on September 10, 2006, at 13:28:47
In reply to Arrrgggghhh***trigger negative rant***, posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 12:59:13
sorry, i don't want to make you feel worse. I hope it's ok that i responded - I sat here for a bit deciding what would be better. But I can back away for a bit too though, if you'd rather.
muff, don't worry, no hugs when you don't want them. And I won't even tell you why I think differently about you. But what's going on? Did something happen today? ....you know, only if you feel like talking. or ranting. Whatever you want. anything or nothing.
EL
Posted by 10derHeart on September 10, 2006, at 13:34:16
In reply to Arrrgggghhh***trigger negative rant***, posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 12:59:13
>>Freak of the century.
I am SUCH an idiot.
I say stupid things, I do stupid things.<<I say to that: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT TRUE!!
Remember, well, at least if you're anything like me and I'm sure many here, the worst, most 'black and white' negative stuff we THINK and FEEL inside (like the world's biggest effing moron) has ZERO relationship to reality. It's just thoughts and feelings, and distorted ones, at that. It isn't really the actual 'you.' I know - it sure does seem like it, but it's you-know-who messing with you.
God doesn't see that about you - I know you believe that, and the less-than-desireable stuff He does see in ALL of us, well, he loves you right through it - loves you even more. And so do we here.
And as for actually doing 'stupid things' sometimes, I say - SO WHAT? Good, even. Do we want to be around perfect people (robots?) who never make mistakes? Nope. I want to be around you MORE if you mess up in speaking or whatever, 'cause then I know you're a regular human like me, and I like that - a lot!
Sorry you're sounding so frustrated and angry, muffly. I know it hurts to get that way. It'll pass - ya' know? It always does.
You said no hugs, so I won't this time, BUT NOT for the reason you said. I'm not afraid of you or anything from you getting on me. You are NOT contaminated.
You hang in there. Post some more. Tell us if something happened if you feel up to it.
Posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 13:45:17
In reply to Re: Arrrgggghhh***trigger negative rant***, posted by ElaineM on September 10, 2006, at 13:28:47
Awwwww El.
Thanks for responding.
I appreciate it lots.
Sometimes when I respond to people I don't say anything, I just put something in the subject line, so's they know I am thinking of them.
Its nice for me when people aknowledge my existance.
Thanks El.
You take care,
have a good rest.
Muffled
Posted by Dinah on September 10, 2006, at 14:04:12
In reply to Arrrgggghhh***trigger negative rant***, posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 12:59:13
I thoroughly enjoyed our chat Muffled, although I feel a bit foolish and exposed this morning, and I don't remember a single stupid thing you said. In fact I remember some uncommonly wise things you said.
However, you probably don't want to be combining words with words that Dr. Bob has autoasterisked, because the autoasterisking doesn't work when you do that. Just leave a space between anything that might be considered a curseword and the word you wish to say, and don't use it in the subject line, and the autoasterisking will do the rest.
Not that I wish to see you call yourself cursewords that don't fit the muffled I know at all, but I want even less to see you do it and get in trouble with Dr. Bob.
Posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 14:05:18
In reply to Re: Arrrgggghhh***trigger negative rant*** » muffled, posted by 10derHeart on September 10, 2006, at 13:34:16
>
> NOT TRUE!!
>
> Remember, well, at least if you're anything like me and I'm sure many here, the worst, most 'black and white' negative stuff we THINK and FEEL inside (like the world's biggest effing moron) has ZERO relationship to reality.***I will try and beleive.....
It's just thoughts and feelings, and distorted ones, at that. It isn't really the actual 'you.' I know - it sure does seem like it, but it's you-know-who messing with you.
***but it feels so bad, it feels so strong...makes me tired
>
> God doesn't see that about you - I know you believe that, and the less-than-desireable stuff He does see in ALL of us, well, he loves you right through it - loves you even more. And so do we here.***Oh thank you. I need to hear that. Sometimes He seems so far away.
>
> And as for actually doing 'stupid things' sometimes, I say - SO WHAT? Good, even. Do we want to be around perfect people (robots?) who never make mistakes? Nope. I want to be around you MORE if you mess up in speaking or whatever, 'cause then I know you're a regular human like me, and I like that - a lot!***Yeah, I say that too.
Its just such a deep self-loathing that takes over sometimes. Just sucks the life out of me.
>
> Sorry you're sounding so frustrated and angry, muffly. I know it hurts to get that way. It'll pass - ya' know? It always does.***Yes. Yes-yes-yes. It WILL pass, just hurts is all. Hurts real bad. I just wanto crawl in a hole and die.
>
> You said no hugs, so I won't this time, BUT NOT for the reason you said. I'm not afraid of you or anything from you getting on me. You are NOT contaminated.***thats huge to me. I have a thing bout people being afraid of me. I used to ask my T that often, 'are you afraid of me?'. She'd say, 'should I be?', all the time she's just sitting there calm as ever, not looking at all afraid....
Yeah, I am NOT a leper....
>
> You hang in there. Post some more. Tell us if something happened if you feel up to it.***I'm not sure WHAT is going on?
Got alot on my plate, not enough time to think.
Confused and dismayed bout attachment.
Got probs. in my home church.
Tired, tired, tired.
Just too much STUFF.
Yeah, and I posted some stuff here bout me thats bad, so I guess I afraid everybody gonna look at me like I bad or something :-(
Thanks 10der, for some important reminders.
Muffled
Posted by sunnydays on September 10, 2006, at 14:06:29
In reply to Arrrgggghhh***trigger negative rant***, posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 12:59:13
You are a good person muffled, even if you don't believe it. You help out lots of people here, and you helped me by replying to my post above. I don't think you're a moron at all. Giving people support is never a dumb thing to do. So here's a big thanks from me ----> ***THANK YOU***
Can you do something to give yourself a little break from the negative thoughts - have some fun or something. I think you said you have real life kids - could you play a game or something with them? Sometimes kids are so cheerful that their mood can infect you. But maybe that's not right for you right now, I don't know.
Anyway, take a deep breath muffled. You are a good person. Take good care.
sunnydays
Posted by happyflower on September 10, 2006, at 14:49:54
In reply to Re: Arrrgggghhh***trigger negative rant***, posted by sunnydays on September 10, 2006, at 14:06:29
I hope we didn't make you feel so bad last night . I used to feel all the time like that when I was growing up, my mother always made me feel like a dumb fool because I didn't know stuff.
It even got worse when I married an older man who shared some of the same generation stuff with my mom, and she always pointed that out, made me feel inferior because I didn't know.I used to hate jokes because I never got them growing up , especially sex jokes because I was so nieve. I still feel a little anxious when someone tells a joke, because Iam afraid I might not get it.
So all I want you to know is that I think all of us feel like this sometimes about stuff, you are not alone. You are not dumb, I like you a lot. You have a wonderful caring heart that I am so glad to have gotten to know at babble.
Posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 15:18:24
In reply to Please be careful (and positive stuff too) » muffled, posted by Dinah on September 10, 2006, at 14:04:12
position :-(
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
:-(
Posted by Dinah on September 10, 2006, at 18:13:21
In reply to Sh*t, sorry Dinah, I hate to put you in such a » Dinah, posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 15:18:24
Just wanted to give you a reminder, that's all.
No problem.
I hope you're feeling better?
Posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 18:36:58
In reply to It's ok » muffled, posted by Dinah on September 10, 2006, at 18:13:21
I'm in nothing mode.
Hope I can stay here.
Sometimes it backfires on me............
So anyways, I guess I can say,
Sh*theadmuffled.
I asterisked it myself.
I feel bad bout that, sorry.
See, stupid is as stupid does.
But, I'm not feeling.
Nope.
Thanks all.
Posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 18:42:52
In reply to Re: Arrrgggghhh***trigger negative rant***, posted by happyflower on September 10, 2006, at 14:49:54
Thank you both for your kind words.
I will read them many times.
I am trying so hard to beleive.
People say nice stuff to me , but its so hard to beleive it could possibly be true.
Have the same prob. w/my T.
And part of me gets so angry, cuz I hurting other parts.
I just get all in a muddle.
Mebbe I'll be muddly insteada muffly.
Hmmmm.
Sh*theadmuddly
Posted by Dinah on September 10, 2006, at 18:46:30
In reply to Sunnydays, Happyflower, posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 18:42:52
I hope you don't mind safe cyberhugs.
Keep trying to believe, because nice things said about you are true.
Posted by llrrrpp on September 11, 2006, at 21:41:43
In reply to (((((Muffled))))) » muffled, posted by Dinah on September 10, 2006, at 18:46:30
Muffled,
I cannot count the number of unsolicited kind things you have said to me. Indeed the number of unsolicited direct compliments.Sometimes it's really scary to hear the nice stuff. It's especially scary when someone who is good and sincere says it to you. It threatens my self-concept. I have to make a choice:
accept the compliment and revise my idea that I am sh*theaded?
or
deny the compliment, retain my sh*theaded self-concept, but consequently undermine my friend's opinions and heart.
It's really tough sometimes. I've been there, I've been hurting SO bad. Could barely stand to have anyone witness my suffering without tossing some gasoline on my burning soul. I invited babblers near and far to kick me, and aid in my destruction. I went to the Administration Board, looking for a public execution of sorts. They denied me. over and over. It hurt so bad to be denied. I was SO disappointed.
And more than that, when the haze cleared, I was absolutely, totally mortified and ashamed of myself. so painfully aware that I had asked my friends to suspend their conscience and kick me when I was down. Cruelty all around.
Well, thank goodness babblers didn't indulge, [for the most part... but that's another story] Muffled, you were always there for me. I'll be there for you too. Even on the days when you only want us to witness your pain and cheer you on. I'll witness it, but I cannot let you persist in the illusion that you deserve it somehow. That's a lie. Something inside of you is not telling the truth/the whole truth. Sometimes it takes another person to help you see around the lie.
I really enjoyed getting to know you a little better, especially the part when you said you had to get off babblechat to do other things. you crack me up SO bad. hilarity. It was like girls night out. I'm going to remember that Sat. night for a long time. Happy memories :)
-ll
p.s. having the 4th beer now. It's an evening to avoid the TV, the internet ('cept babble) and any other mass media. and evening to eat a scoop of vanilla ice cream, with caramel sauce. Talk to loved ones. and drink the 4th beer of the 6pack. mmm. chillin'
This is the end of the thread.
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