Posted by llrrrpp on September 11, 2006, at 21:41:43
In reply to (((((Muffled))))) » muffled, posted by Dinah on September 10, 2006, at 18:46:30
Muffled,
I cannot count the number of unsolicited kind things you have said to me. Indeed the number of unsolicited direct compliments.Sometimes it's really scary to hear the nice stuff. It's especially scary when someone who is good and sincere says it to you. It threatens my self-concept. I have to make a choice:
accept the compliment and revise my idea that I am sh*theaded?
or
deny the compliment, retain my sh*theaded self-concept, but consequently undermine my friend's opinions and heart.
It's really tough sometimes. I've been there, I've been hurting SO bad. Could barely stand to have anyone witness my suffering without tossing some gasoline on my burning soul. I invited babblers near and far to kick me, and aid in my destruction. I went to the Administration Board, looking for a public execution of sorts. They denied me. over and over. It hurt so bad to be denied. I was SO disappointed.
And more than that, when the haze cleared, I was absolutely, totally mortified and ashamed of myself. so painfully aware that I had asked my friends to suspend their conscience and kick me when I was down. Cruelty all around.
Well, thank goodness babblers didn't indulge, [for the most part... but that's another story] Muffled, you were always there for me. I'll be there for you too. Even on the days when you only want us to witness your pain and cheer you on. I'll witness it, but I cannot let you persist in the illusion that you deserve it somehow. That's a lie. Something inside of you is not telling the truth/the whole truth. Sometimes it takes another person to help you see around the lie.
I really enjoyed getting to know you a little better, especially the part when you said you had to get off babblechat to do other things. you crack me up SO bad. hilarity. It was like girls night out. I'm going to remember that Sat. night for a long time. Happy memories :)
-ll
p.s. having the 4th beer now. It's an evening to avoid the TV, the internet ('cept babble) and any other mass media. and evening to eat a scoop of vanilla ice cream, with caramel sauce. Talk to loved ones. and drink the 4th beer of the 6pack. mmm. chillin'
poster:llrrrpp
thread:684716
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/685154.html