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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by finelinebob on September 8, 2006, at 0:45:18
[For those just tuning in, this drama begins with http://wtc.thefineline.org/ and recently refreshed at http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20050828/msgs/677313.html but I'm changing channels ... and pardon me for BabbleBloging here, but I'm about to burst]
Well, first I saw my PDoc and said, "Doc, it's getting so close to 9/11 that I'm almost having panic attacks. Do I need some Ativan or something like that?" He said no and, of all ironies, doubled my dose of clonazepam. Better to prevent them in the first place then stop them once they've started.
Then I see my GP ... checking for liver damage since I'm on Vytorin as well as all my psych meds and I tell him about my change in dosage on the C. And since he's been on this journey with me (besides being a New Yorker and a doc -- can't imagine what he was feeling that day -- he's an acupuncturist (yes, and an internal med specialist) and used acupuncture to treat me for my PTSD back after it happened), he's got his opinion. Well, he's an MD, so he has an opinion on everything -- but he's an excellent MD and a kind, caring soul, so I listen to him.
So, my GP says to forget the memorials -- go volunteer someplace. Do something good for someone who needs help. Turn the negative into a positive.
Well, I said I listen to him. I didn't say I always take his advice (if I did, I wouldn't need Vytorin in the first place).
And I didn't bother to tell him about the hypnotherapist I was seeing for a few sessions; didn't need to hear that lecture from the Internist/Acupuncturist about hypnosis, even if done by a MSW/HT who works up at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital doing HT with surgical patients.
Then, this (Thursday 7 Sept ... T-3 days or so and counting) morning, I see my T and share with her what my GP said. She said that was a nice idea. Then I told her why I wasn't going to do it. She said that THAT was the right idea.
And I was in such a rush to get out the door because the extra C has zombyfied me somewhat and I overslept and was going to miss my session with my T, I forgot all my meds. No C with me if I needed to chill. Oh well.
This evening, the Manhattan Meeting (one of the Quaker meetings in NYC) held a memorial meeting down in the Battery, in a garden area called the Labyrinth. There were maybe 12 of us. A silent meeting with all the sounds of the Lower Manhattan (c)rush hour all around ... and I happened to pick a seat looking up West Street towards the Hole in the Sky.
One man who has spent his entire professional life in Lower Manhattan and loves it more than anywhere else also spoke about the Hole in the Sky. A woman talked about the fear she had then and still has; she's knows she can't turn her back and run away from it. She knows this because as a child in Berlin, she'd seen horrors from weeks of Allied bombing raids that--no, no comparisons ... pain is pain. And here she was, 61 years and 5 years later, not quite knowing how to deal with the fear. I wish I could have stood and said what was in my heart, having stared down the Hole for the last 45min or so and survived. But I couldn't find the strength.
After the rising of the meeting, we talked casually about who we were (for strangers like me to that meeting), why we were there, what we had done that day. I could talk somewhat then with these Friends, but it's hard to describe how different it is to speak under the "covering" of a meeting than otherwise. I couldn't find the strength.
So. I've got this PTSD Beast inside me--an Intruder, not the one I was born with and have reached a mutual understanding with, if not something more--and I've made my decision to kick its @$$ and get it the h3ll out of my life ... the right decision, or so says my T. And what ripped that Hole in the Sky ripped a Hole in my Soul that let the Intruder in.
I think I have the Intruder by the scruff of its neck, even tho it can still claw pretty badly. And that woman was right -- your can't turn your back on the source of your pain. You can't run away from it. You can't go around it, under it or over it. Standing still does no good.
The only way I can heal that Hole is to walk through it. The only way out is through.
And, of course, I've got to drag that mangy, worthless, vicious Intruder with me and kick it so hard it won't know what time zone it's in when it finally hits the ground.
The main problem is, I need to find the path to the Hole. I *think* it's in the direction of "love" and "forgiveness", but I'm not quite sure if I know where to find them. But there's a lot going on in NYC between now and Monday, so maybe I can pick up the trail.
Posted by llrrrpp on September 8, 2006, at 13:15:45
In reply to ... and then my GP said.... (prolly lonnnng), posted by finelinebob on September 8, 2006, at 0:45:18
((((((flbob)))))))
I've only got a second.
I'm sorry things are so hard. I wish there were something to do about it. Maybe this is one of those things. There's no "one thing" you can do to get yourself through. It's some combination of things, and faith, and seeking.
take care of yourself. You can put the intruder in a big box and ship him to a far off place for a couple of days.
(((hugs for you)))
-ll
Posted by muffled on September 9, 2006, at 1:29:27
In reply to ... and then my GP said.... (prolly lonnnng), posted by finelinebob on September 8, 2006, at 0:45:18
Posted by Racer on September 9, 2006, at 2:33:05
In reply to ... and then my GP said.... (prolly lonnnng), posted by finelinebob on September 8, 2006, at 0:45:18
I don't know what to say, Bob. The closest I've ever been to something like that was the earthquake in '89, and as a natural disaster, it's a whole 'nother animal. I can't begin to imagine what you experienced, or what you're experiencing now.
I do care what happens to you, though. I hope the Friends help, and that you find your way. I'll be here, along with all the others here, if you need someone just to care about you.
Peace.
Posted by finelinebob on September 9, 2006, at 4:00:21
In reply to Re: ... and then my GP said.... (prolly lonnnng) » finelinebob, posted by Racer on September 9, 2006, at 2:33:05
...with the work I do, we're always a minimum of one business day ahead. And we name our computer files by date. Job tickets by date. I don't know how many times I saw "911" today. All I know is that I got enough clonazepam in me early enough to fight off the panic. And for every second I weakened, I had 3 of anger to stop being victimized.
I think Monday will be easier. That, I'm planning. It's all the sneaky nips and claws of the Intruder that keep me jumping.
But one glass of Bailey's is pushing me over the edge of wakefulness. I have my music lesson tomorrow, so that should be worth a big dose of comfort.
Posted by llrrrpp on September 9, 2006, at 11:38:00
In reply to Today was so hard..., posted by finelinebob on September 9, 2006, at 4:00:21
Hi Finelinebob,
This sounds so difficult. There's no way you can anticipate how these things are going to feel, even in the very next moment. It would be a nice illusion if we could fight the intruder back, or just to go with the flow somehow. For me, I get scared sometimes that the "intruder" as you call it is actually "the REAL llrrrpp" and that my fight against myself will result in my complete psychological annihilation. The struggle to stay healthy and safe overwhelms me too.Change only the name and this story will be about you. "Mutato nomine de te fabula narratur"
babble-mail me if you're dying to know the source.
I'm not sure if you're a cyber hugger, but here are some hugs for you (((FLB))). If you're not a hugger, send them back to me, and I'll hug myself.
I'm glad you've got a nice music lesson to look forward to. I hope you can get a little comfort until then too, pharmaceutical or otherwise.
I'm sending you a limosine to take you to a comfortable place. somewhere far away, but only a short trip required. Someplace where your mind can rest, and stop the constant vigilance.
That kind of vigilance and self-monitoring is exhausting, but not the right kind of exhausting. Can you maybe get in a brief, intense exercise session? Something dumb like running around the block, or up 10 flights of stairs full sprint?
Sometimes I find that when my body is trying to operate near the maximum heartrate, there is not enough oxygen left to support mental parasites.
Sending you comfort vibes ~~~~~~~~~ and hoping that your lesson tommorrow is lovely and timeless.
-ll
Posted by finelinebob on September 9, 2006, at 19:24:23
In reply to Re: Today was so hard..., posted by llrrrpp on September 9, 2006, at 11:38:00
Thanks, llrrrpy, hugs very much appreciated (((ll))) but I'll have to turn down the limo. I didn't start this fight, but I **am** going to finish it. I know my own Beast, and my fight's not with it. I think it might even be jealous, since the Intruder is taking up so much of my attention ... the enemy of my enemy, for now.
I posted over on Self-Esteem about my lesson, so I won't repeat myself here. My teacher saw something at Inwood Hill Park so I took Leyna with me to investigate ... there's a memorial in the park with one flagpole for everyone who died that day. American flags, two different types: (1) one had the names of the firefighters, police officers, EMTs and other service workers who died on it, the other (2) had the names of everyone who died that day. If you want a visual image, think of Arlington Cemetary and replace the stones with flags. There were two sculptures as well. Sunday, I'm going to grab some daylight and nighttime photos of the memorial (they have floodlights to light it up at night), and I'll post a URL when I get them online. But it was good to see so many people paying their respects. One of the nastiest attacks of the Intruder is alienation -- feeling that no one around you can understand what you went through -- but being there with Leyna =^) and everyone else reminded me again about how we went through it as One City. It didn't matter if you were a native or carpetbagger or immigrant, what language you spoke, the color of your skin, whatever -- we were all New Yorkers, and that was all that mattered. Today I learned that it still is. When it comes to alienation, I think the Intruder just got declawed.
But Leyna and I had a wonderful few hours in the park doing other things too, and she made a number of new friends (including 4 NYPD officers at the memorial ... cops are such softies for shepherds, hehe).
Posted by llrrrpp on September 9, 2006, at 22:28:47
In reply to But Saturday was a blessing, posted by finelinebob on September 9, 2006, at 19:24:23
FineLineBob,
I have such a nice image of you and your doggy in the park today. I'm glad you got some quality time in. I was worried that you were working too hard :)I'll save the limo for prom night. Oh. wait. I missed prom. hmm
I'm interested to hear more about the Beast and the Intruder. I'm not sure if it would be of any help to write about it here if you've written about it elsewhere (link me up!), but I'm not sure what the distinction is-- what's worth fighting, fleeing, annihilating, etc. I'm worried that I say the wrong things.
How did your doggie get such a pretty name?
-llrrrpp
(((ll))) sending me some hugs, 'cause you didn't return any. And sending you some more ((((flb&Leyna))))
Posted by finelinebob on September 10, 2006, at 0:14:12
In reply to Re: But Saturday was a blessing » finelinebob, posted by llrrrpp on September 9, 2006, at 22:28:47
> I have such a nice image of you and your doggy in the park today. I'm glad you got some quality time in. I was worried that you were working too hard :)
Nah, the hard work has just begun. Perforated with bits of whimsy.
> I'm interested to hear more about the Beast and the Intruder. I'm not sure if it would be of any help to write about it here if you've written about it elsewhere (link me up!), but I'm not sure what the distinction is-- what's worth fighting, fleeing, annihilating, etc. I'm worried that I say the wrong things.I talked about it on my post in 2000, but since you're here...
My Beast used to have all sorts of names, but since my previous PDoc called it "bipolar spectrum" it's gotten easier to call it by name. Not sure if ADD fits in there or is a second name.Then I got this PTSD thing going for me. Some of it looks really familiar, but it's over and above where my Beast would go. Other aspects are new. So, as far as I'm concerned, I got another Beast to fight, and it ain't part of me. It may have been drawn to me and got into me because of who I am, but it is not "of" me. It has left scars that will always be there and although those wounds are a part of me, this Beast is not. So, I call it the Intruder instead.
My Beast and I, I like to think, have come to a certain understanding, perhaps even mutual respect. I'm cocky enough to think I can teach it some tricks. But the Intruder is vicious, brutal, and completely mad. There is no reasoning with it, there is no understanding, it exists only to hurt. But I'm strong enough now not to totally cave in when it attacks; more so now, since I can fight it off and see it's losing ground. I know it pretty well. I have lots of support from lots of sources. And there's just -- I dunno, omens -- that tell me this is the right time and I'm back in the right place. I think I've got a good shot at, at the least, dragging it back out of the hole it ripped getting into me and, at the best, crushing it. Annihilating it.
Closing and healing that hole are a different matter and will require a much gentler touch; I don't want to be disturbed while doing this. So, as for any maddened, mindless, vicious, brutal beast: if it's in my power I will put it down with extreme prejudice.
> How did your doggie get such a pretty name?Well, her litter was an "L" litter -- breeders will designate a litter by a letter so that their registered name (which should start with that letter) makes it easier to identify them by their parents and their siblings. I went looking for a website with German baby names, looked through the "L"s, and found Leyna which, according to the site, meant "little angel". I lost my previous shepherd (Tasha) to cancer a few months before her 5th birthday, so that name (little angel) meant a lot to me. She was born a month before 9/11, and I received her a month after so, even more, that name meant a lot to me. Her registered name, tho, is Breton's Halo's Leyna Belle. Breton Shepherds owned daddy dog, but the breeder is a close friend to Halo's breeder, who owned momma dog. Halo Shepherds ... another reason to name her "angel". Belle? How embarassing! I got to see Cats before it closed (incredible seats, 2nd row center) and I'm a sucker for a sappy showtune, so when my Tasha died too young, the notion of that one Jellicle Cat that would be reborn into a new life, and how Grizabella sings "Memory" and gets chosen because of it -- "Touch me, it's so easy to leave me all alone with my memory of my days in the sun / If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is / Look, a new day has begun." This was before I knew about the L litter designation ... and I sure as heck wasn't gonna name a dog, a German Shepherd at that!, after a cat!! So Belle was her original name, but Leyna grew on me quick.
And that's the story of how my sweet, neurotic (she grew up with me at home for most of her life, helping me deal with my troubles and taking some onto her) 86lb "little" angel got her name.
> (((ll))) sending me some hugs, 'cause you didn't return any.Did too! Check the first line of my previous message. (((((ll)))))
Posted by llrrrpp on September 10, 2006, at 1:39:27
In reply to Beast vs Intruder » llrrrpp, posted by finelinebob on September 10, 2006, at 0:14:12
> > (((ll))) sending me some hugs, 'cause you didn't return any.
>
> Did too! Check the first line of my previous message. (((((ll)))))
>Ha ha!
tricked you into sending me more :)This could go on exponentially! I like it! (oh, except for when I'm hating myself. Well for now, I like it :)
gnight to you and leyna. I have to go now. My personal struggle of the moment is
internet addiction vs 3beers+seroquel+1:37am
who's gonna win?
-ll
Posted by finelinebob on September 11, 2006, at 3:17:51
In reply to Re: Beast vs Intruder » finelinebob, posted by llrrrpp on September 10, 2006, at 1:39:27
http://www.nyc911memorialfield.org/
In case anyone wants a look....
Posted by llrrrpp on September 11, 2006, at 8:28:17
In reply to The memorial in my neighborhood, posted by finelinebob on September 11, 2006, at 3:17:51
I didn't know that there were such places in Manhattan. Lovely. Really lovely.
I wish we had something in my neighborhood. I feel like the 9/11 stuff seems so contrived around here. It doesn't feel real, just like a show.
Like pouring salt on the wound, unfortunately.
I think I will go to the cathedral today and have a sit and a deep breath, and do some contemplating. I'll call my loved ones tonight. And I'll ask my husband to convey my appreciation to his colleagues.
Thanks for sharing flbob. I wish I could see it in person. Well. I'm not sure about that, really. I think I'll stick with the cathedral instead.
-ll
Horace.
Posted by Jost on September 11, 2006, at 11:22:30
In reply to The memorial in my neighborhood, posted by finelinebob on September 11, 2006, at 3:17:51
Link isn't opening now. Maybe too much traffic?
Hope I can see it later today. Also hope you're doing okay.
thanks, Jost
Posted by finelinebob on September 12, 2006, at 21:15:14
In reply to Re: The memorial in my neighborhood » finelinebob, posted by Jost on September 11, 2006, at 11:22:30
> Link isn't opening now. Maybe too much traffic?
Yeah, probably too much traffic ... I wrote to the hosting company once already and they agreed to boost the site's bandwidth, but it doesn't sound like enough.
More later, too busy catching up on work. But, for the most part, the Intruder didn't show. Wimp. Can't stand up to a fair fight.
This is the end of the thread.
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