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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on September 8, 2006, at 11:37:37
Well here it is... just when I thought things couldnt possibly get worse. I hadnt even THOUGHT of this.
I was supposed to see Laurie today. The really great T from my parents city that I saw over the summer. I woke up at 5:45 this morning, got ready, and drive 2 hours to see her for a 10am appointment. I've been counting the days (hours, minutes...) until seeing her again. It's been 3 1/2 weeks because I moved back home, then she was on vacation... and I'm only able to see her Fridays, because all the other days I'm busy at home and cant take the time to come see her. But I had an appointment today.
I got there and waited a few minutes, then another girl came in and knocked on Lauries door to say she had arrived. Usually people dont knock, just wait in the waiting room. Meanwhile, I'm freaking out... who could she be? It must be just a drop-off or something right? Then a minute later Laurie came out and told her to come in. The way the waiting room is shaped, she didnt see me waiting there. I didnt say anything. Maybe I should have.
I went back out to be car and cried. I needed to see her SO badly. I've needed to see her for 3 weeks. Considered moving the appt up and missing classes for it but was determined to make it until today.
I called and left a voice mail and said I thought we'd had an appt, and to call me.
She called back around 12. I didnt answer. I heard it ring, so I dont know why I didnt.. I just didnt. She left a message and said that she had a client at that time and didnt have me on her schedule for today, or even at all. But she said that if I have a card with the time on it (she writes the appt times on her cards) to show her and she'd make it up to me. I DO HAVE THAT CARD! It has been on my bulletin board right by my desk since the day she gave it to me. We had discussed at the last appt whether to make another appt or wait for me to call, but I know (obviously) we'd decided to schedule. I know we did. In the message, she gave me the appt times she has open for next Friday and Wed. NO. That isn't okay! First, its not my fault that she never wrote our appt down. Second, I drove 2 hours to see her and I cant just be doing that all the time! I'm pissed off that she seemed like shes just fine to rescheudle for a week from now, when its her fault, and when I have to make such an effort to get there. I'm in town NOW, she should see me today. Maybe thats unreasonable.
I called her back and left another message.. I just said that I know I have that card and that I'd been waiting anxiously for this appointment. I told her I didnt know about the other appt times because I just cant be driving all the way up here every week. I think she could probably hear both the fact that I was on the verge of tears and the fact that I was a little frustrated in the message. I hope she could. I told her to call me back. We'll see.
But more than angry, I'm really, REALLY hurt. I trusted her SO much... while Anne helps some, Laurie is the one I always trust to really get what I'm saying, to be solid and always be there, no matter what I tell her. I've always felt like I could rely on her. Last time I was there (3 weeks ago) was a really hard session.. we talked about the idea that I'm holding onto my depression because I dont feel like anyone cares about me without it.. and I'd never verbalized that to anyone before. She knew how hard it was. She knew it was a bad place for us to stop for 3 weeks... she even said that herself. How did she forget?
I feel completely rejected. Completely uncared about. I know everyone makes mistakes, but emotionally, it doesnt matter. It just doesnt.
If I felt alone before with the possibility of losing Anne (and I certainly did), this makes it 100000 times worse. Sometimes it feels like there is someone out there watching me and going "haha! gotcha!" Well dang it, you got me. I cant keep doing this.
Posted by pegasus on September 8, 2006, at 12:43:33
In reply to my T forgot me, posted by wishingstar on September 8, 2006, at 11:37:37
Oh, good lord, that's terrible! I'm glad that you called her back and told her part of how awful it is for you. I wish she'd seen you in the waiting room.
Is there any way you can send her your post? Does she know about babble? It seems to me that she needs to understand in more detail exactly what she did to you. And she needs to apologize in a BIG way and do what she can to make it better. She at least should give you a phone session ASAP.
If only we could make them do what we need them to do. My heart aches for you. Please let us know what happens.
(((wishingstar)))
p
Posted by Anneke06 on September 8, 2006, at 13:29:30
In reply to my T forgot me, posted by wishingstar on September 8, 2006, at 11:37:37
I don't post much, but your story just broke my heart....it just isn't fair in any way, shape or form. I agree with pegasus that at the very, very least, she should give you a phone session ASAP.
I also was struck by the comment that "if you have a card with the time on it..." as if you were making it up or something and drove the two hours just for the heck of it. I think that would have hurt me almost as much as not having the appointment.
I'm so sorry you had to live through what is one of my biggest nightmares...especially when it is such a big deal to make it to the appointments and after you've been waiting for so long. I know nothing anyone can say can make it feel any better, but know that we understand how painful it must feel.
And, keep us posted as to what happens...
Posted by Dinah on September 8, 2006, at 14:41:43
In reply to my T forgot me, posted by wishingstar on September 8, 2006, at 11:37:37
That is perfectly dreadful. Can you fax her the card? I don't blame you for being furious.
I always have that fear as well, and always bring my receipt with the next week's appointments with me to my sessions, just in case.
Posted by Jost on September 8, 2006, at 17:55:51
In reply to my T forgot me, posted by wishingstar on September 8, 2006, at 11:37:37
That's awful, wishingstar.
Under the circumstances, I think she should have made extra time for you today, after her other appointments. For you to have driven for 2 hours each way, and not to see her would be unconscionable, to me. Why or how she could simply offer you appointments next week I can't imagine.
Are you sure you can rely on this T? Because something doesn't make sense.
I'd have to wonder if she doesn't quite believe you, thinks you're confused and liable to do quite peculiar things, or is so rigid that she can't make accommodations when unusual situations arise.
Her response so far is not acceptable (to anyone who thinks you should be treated fairly).
Was she able to respond to your distress?
Jost
Posted by wishingstar on September 8, 2006, at 21:32:14
In reply to my T forgot me, posted by wishingstar on September 8, 2006, at 11:37:37
Thanks everyone so much for the responses.
Laurie did call me back again around 5 this evening. I dont think she realized how much it had affected me until I mentioned I was upset, but when I did, she was very concerned. We talked for 15 or 20 minutes, I cried (very rare for me), she apologized... it helped some.
I'm still not really in the greatest spot at the moment and I'm having trouble writing. I'm in this weird daze that I just cant snap out of right now. Because of that, I will update and say more about what happened when I get up tomorrow rather than doing it now. I just wanted to let you guys know that we'd talked and things are "okay", at least compared to earlier. Thanks for understanding.
Posted by muffled on September 9, 2006, at 1:24:24
In reply to Re: my T forgot me, posted by wishingstar on September 8, 2006, at 21:32:14
Oh wishingstar, that was AWFUL. Like my worst T nightmare.
I'm so glad you posted about it.
Cuz if anything like that ever happens to me, I will remember you, and that you survived.
Your T did call.
Definately gonna be some scars.
But you survived.
I dunno, I think your pretty amazing, that you called back and stuff.
I would have had a total spazout.
Good for you for handling it so well.
Pooh on your T for screwing up.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2006, at 9:02:43
In reply to Re: my T forgot me » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on September 8, 2006, at 14:41:43
Well it's Sat morning and I'm feeling a little less dazed today.. thats good I guess. So I'll try to say a little about what happened.
She called me back around 5 last night and said she owed me a huge apology. She asked when I wanted to reschedule and I told her I wasnt ready to do that because I was pretty upset. As some of you were probably wondering, she didnt ask about the card.. she said she believed me that I had the card with the appointment on it. I'm glad.. I'd have been a lot more hurt if she'd made me show her. But I dont think the realized how upset I'd be for some reason... but she jumped right on that and asked me about it. I told her that it felt like an abandonment and like a rejection. She was really, really good at hearing everything I said. I also told her how this was just the worst of all possible weeks for this to happen.. so many bad things are going on.. and I just really, really needed her (I didnt use those words, hah). We talked a little about some of those "other things" and I could just tell by her reaction that she was getting it. She said that it was really good that I was talking to her still.. she described the trust thing as if there were this bank account and she had just make a huge withdrawal, but she hoped I'd let her make some more deposits to make up for it. I like that analogy.
She wanted me to try to get some more immediate help down here at home (in my town). The only thing I havent tried is the hospital, and she was advocating for that I think. Not necessairly to get admitted, but not necessairly not to either. I dont know. I told her I'm afraid to miss that much school (as a grad student, missing 1 class is huge) but she made a good point... at this point, I'm not doing any work here at home anyway. She said I wont make it to the end of the semester like this. I dont know. I really am thinking about it.
The angry "how could you make this mistake" part of me feels taken care of after speaking with her last night. I could tell that she was genuinely sorry and knew what effect she'd had on me. But the hurt, scared part of me is something that I dont think she can make go away. I didnt reschedule with her yet, but when I do, I'm going to be so afraid to go back. What if it happens again? I'm sure she'll be extra careful not to, but still. It was hard to see that other client there too. I've seen others leaving before, but never going in. What is she likes her better? It just feels like... if I was really important, you wouldnt have forgotten I was coming. Coming at all no less (she didnt have me scheduled at all)... missing a time I can understand, but did she think I just dropped off the edge of the world? This entire thing is really hitting on my fears of asking for help, fears of being selfish... I know it's not selfish, but I hate to even call anything "mine" (like the time slot) for fear of a reaction from someone else. That's why I didnt say "hey, wait" in the waiting room. I was just afraid.
The truth is that I do feel like one of those "special clients" to her in some ways though. We have a connection that feels special to me, on both ends, but never inappropriately. She made reference to having "been there" last night (where I am.. all these problems, in the mental health field, etc) and said I reminded her of herself years ago when I said one particular thing. So maybe I am special. Or maybe she's just really good at making everyone feel like theyre special. I dont know. Last night, I was still at my parents house in the city when we talked, but she made me promise to leave a message on her voicemail when I got home to tell her I got there safely. I dont know if that means she just cares or was concerned I wouldnt make it because I was so upset... but either way, it felt good.
Dinah, I think I am going to start bringing my old card with me to the appointments. Just in case. But I hope it never, ever happens again. And even though she said she believed me, I thnik I'm going to mail her this old one anyway. Just to be sure.
Peg, no she doesnt know about psychobabble. I'm consdering bringing that post with me next time just to show her anyway and talk about how it felt, but stupid as it sounds, I dont want her to feel bad. I dont know.
And I hope I didnt intensify anyones fears of this happening to them. You're right muffled, keep in mind that mine handled it pretty well and hopefully that'll help.
I might post some more about this as more feelings come up.. I'm sure they will. I've only been awake 30 min and its only 1 day after. I just dont know how this will end up.
Posted by Dinah on September 9, 2006, at 10:27:00
In reply to she called last night (long), posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2006, at 9:02:43
I'm glad she made up to you, in a small way, the huge therapeutic error.
Posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2006, at 21:27:50
In reply to Re: she called last night (long) » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2006, at 10:27:00
Last night Laurie encouraged me to tell a friend what is going on. I dont really have friends anymore... but 1-2 I'd consider close enough to maybe tell.
I told him I was thinking about going to the hospital. And thinking about switching to part-time school (rather than full time). He asked why... I said to try to get myself together, etc. He knows my history of severe depression/suicide/etc.
He said that wasnt a very good reason.
F... HIM. Really. THAT is why I dont try to talk to people!!!
I told him to f... off and that he doesnt get it. He said ok and the conversation ended there.
I give up. Really.
Posted by pegasus on September 11, 2006, at 8:41:03
In reply to and now, my friend..., posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2006, at 21:27:50
Yeah, it's hard for people who have never had serious mental health issues to get it. I've had that conversation too, more or less. And I've argued with therapists who tell me that I need to tell people about my problems. Because, how does it help when you have someone out there with a clue about your distress, but no understanding of it?
But, we understand here. At least . . . we understand some similar flavor of it. You can tell us.
Don't worry about that guy. He's probably just never been suicidal, and doesn't know what it means to really be unable to get yourself together and to feel the fear of that. If he understood, I'm sure he'd have supported your decision. *I* think you're doing the right thing, and I hope that your hospital program is really helpful.
((wishingstar))
p
Posted by Shortelise on September 16, 2006, at 14:29:13
In reply to she called last night (long), posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2006, at 9:02:43
Hi Wishingstar
I drop in here from time to time, can't come very often.
I read your messages with great interest, remembering the times that my T has let me down, and the feelings those times provoked. Awful. My heart really goes out to you as I read.
It was hard for me to forgive my T those things when I was in the throes of the most diffiuclt things I needed help with. It was especially hard because I needed someone on my side, someone who wouldn't let me down because it felt like everything was letting me down. In the end, it has been healing to understand that even in in a caring relationship, things can go wrong, people can make mistakes. It has been so important to me to find that even when he has hurt me, it wasn't done on purpose, and that he continues to be a strong, caring support to me despite a huge mistake. It has allowed me to become more forgiving, not only of others but of myself.
You can believe she is upset with herself. She really screwed up. Isn't that human of her! :-)
It seems we all have abondonment issues - if there is anyone reading this who doesn't, I'd love to hear about it! And it so complicates things when we are trying to deal with other stuff and this stuff get involved. I mean, I know it's often part of theray as a whole , but it's so much easier if it can come up at times when things are not so... hot.
I send you warm hugs and hope you figure out what is best for you. Be kind and gentle with yourself.
Hugs
ShortE
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