Posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2006, at 9:02:43
In reply to Re: my T forgot me » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on September 8, 2006, at 14:41:43
Well it's Sat morning and I'm feeling a little less dazed today.. thats good I guess. So I'll try to say a little about what happened.
She called me back around 5 last night and said she owed me a huge apology. She asked when I wanted to reschedule and I told her I wasnt ready to do that because I was pretty upset. As some of you were probably wondering, she didnt ask about the card.. she said she believed me that I had the card with the appointment on it. I'm glad.. I'd have been a lot more hurt if she'd made me show her. But I dont think the realized how upset I'd be for some reason... but she jumped right on that and asked me about it. I told her that it felt like an abandonment and like a rejection. She was really, really good at hearing everything I said. I also told her how this was just the worst of all possible weeks for this to happen.. so many bad things are going on.. and I just really, really needed her (I didnt use those words, hah). We talked a little about some of those "other things" and I could just tell by her reaction that she was getting it. She said that it was really good that I was talking to her still.. she described the trust thing as if there were this bank account and she had just make a huge withdrawal, but she hoped I'd let her make some more deposits to make up for it. I like that analogy.
She wanted me to try to get some more immediate help down here at home (in my town). The only thing I havent tried is the hospital, and she was advocating for that I think. Not necessairly to get admitted, but not necessairly not to either. I dont know. I told her I'm afraid to miss that much school (as a grad student, missing 1 class is huge) but she made a good point... at this point, I'm not doing any work here at home anyway. She said I wont make it to the end of the semester like this. I dont know. I really am thinking about it.
The angry "how could you make this mistake" part of me feels taken care of after speaking with her last night. I could tell that she was genuinely sorry and knew what effect she'd had on me. But the hurt, scared part of me is something that I dont think she can make go away. I didnt reschedule with her yet, but when I do, I'm going to be so afraid to go back. What if it happens again? I'm sure she'll be extra careful not to, but still. It was hard to see that other client there too. I've seen others leaving before, but never going in. What is she likes her better? It just feels like... if I was really important, you wouldnt have forgotten I was coming. Coming at all no less (she didnt have me scheduled at all)... missing a time I can understand, but did she think I just dropped off the edge of the world? This entire thing is really hitting on my fears of asking for help, fears of being selfish... I know it's not selfish, but I hate to even call anything "mine" (like the time slot) for fear of a reaction from someone else. That's why I didnt say "hey, wait" in the waiting room. I was just afraid.
The truth is that I do feel like one of those "special clients" to her in some ways though. We have a connection that feels special to me, on both ends, but never inappropriately. She made reference to having "been there" last night (where I am.. all these problems, in the mental health field, etc) and said I reminded her of herself years ago when I said one particular thing. So maybe I am special. Or maybe she's just really good at making everyone feel like theyre special. I dont know. Last night, I was still at my parents house in the city when we talked, but she made me promise to leave a message on her voicemail when I got home to tell her I got there safely. I dont know if that means she just cares or was concerned I wouldnt make it because I was so upset... but either way, it felt good.
Dinah, I think I am going to start bringing my old card with me to the appointments. Just in case. But I hope it never, ever happens again. And even though she said she believed me, I thnik I'm going to mail her this old one anyway. Just to be sure.
Peg, no she doesnt know about psychobabble. I'm consdering bringing that post with me next time just to show her anyway and talk about how it felt, but stupid as it sounds, I dont want her to feel bad. I dont know.
And I hope I didnt intensify anyones fears of this happening to them. You're right muffled, keep in mind that mine handled it pretty well and hopefully that'll help.
I might post some more about this as more feelings come up.. I'm sure they will. I've only been awake 30 min and its only 1 day after. I just dont know how this will end up.
poster:wishingstar
thread:684239
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/684428.html