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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on August 17, 2006, at 0:49:37
I have to make a decision about therapy on Wednesdays. It is inconvenient, but probably not impossible for me to keep my current slot. There are no other slots on Wed. But my slot happens to be at the same time that my son gets out of school. So in order to keep my slot, I need to find someone else to get him -- sort of a continual hassle.
So today I talked with my therapist about dropping Wednesdays. It would take me from 4 days to 3 -- which is still a lot of therapy. He asked about the pros and cons and there are way more practical pros and the only con I could come up with is "I'm afraid" -- I'm afraid I won't have enough time, I'm afraid I'll fall apart again and mostly I'm afraid I won't be able to sustain our connection to all the different parts of me. I guess the answer is I really don't want to. But I think I should.
I wanted him to say "I think this is a really bad time for you to cut back -- you still NEED to come as much as you are." Instead he said, "we could experiment and see how you feel. We don't have to commit to a decision right now."
Urg. Why is it so hard for me to just settle in? Last week I was in a total melt down around not wanting to need him as much but knowing I do. Yesterday I regressed totally and told him through a storm of tears about a flashback and asked him why he hadn't been there to save me. It was really painful but he said he wished he could have protected me and would have...and that was what little daisy needed to hear. And then we talked about still being in parts and pieces and he said he thought that was OK and that I needed to still let "her" tell the stories. I left damp, sad and exhausted but totally relieved and secure in our connection.
*sigh* So what do I do? I think I should be a big girl and try three times a week.
but I'm still really scared. :(
Posted by All Done on August 17, 2006, at 1:06:29
In reply to Should I cut back?, posted by Daisym on August 17, 2006, at 0:49:37
I'm sure you've thought all the logistics out, but would it be more manageable if you did three days one week and four the other? That way, you'd only have to cut out two sessions a month.
Or what about phone sessions when you do have to pick up your son? Just make them half a session or something to keep you connected.
I'm glad you left yesterday feeling secure in your connection. No matter what you feel at times, it's okay to need your T and he's okay with you needing him. Don't hate me for saying that, yet again, though. Okay?
And one other thing...I think it might be important to tell him what you wanted him to say in response to you telling him you have to cut back. Perhaps you'll find out that he was just trying to make things more convenient or easier for you to be able to cut back, if that's what has to happen.
(((((Daisy)))))
I wish it wasn't so complicated.
Hugs,
Laurie
Posted by fallsfall on August 17, 2006, at 7:56:24
In reply to Should I cut back?, posted by Daisym on August 17, 2006, at 0:49:37
This is a hard call.
My first reaction is that your son is old enough to amuse himself while he waits for you to get out of therapy. Or find another way home. Or join an afterschool activity on Wednesdays. So, if the problem is logistics with your son, I don't think that is a good reason to drop a session.
But I know that you also have group on Wednesdays. I don't know if I could do two therapy sessions on the same day.
I don't think you "go too much". I guess I think you need to talk about the fear you have of dropping Wednesdays. What is that about?
If you want to drop it because you think he is/will be sick of you, forget it! He's not sick of you.
(((((Daisy)))))
Love,
Falls
Posted by LadyBug on August 17, 2006, at 9:57:44
In reply to Should I cut back?, posted by Daisym on August 17, 2006, at 0:49:37
Daisy
I know it's hard to do when it involves something you have to do for your kids. And this is one of those times. I think you could try it out for a week, if it get's too scary, make other arrangements for your son so you can see your T. Or like someone else said, if you go 4 days one week and 3 days the next. You don't have to set it in stone. I'm sure your T understands. You'll be ok, I promise. It will work out.
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by Daisym on August 17, 2006, at 21:42:12
In reply to Should I cut back?, posted by Daisym on August 17, 2006, at 0:49:37
I yelled at my therapist today -- well, OK, I never yell. But I was really, really upset with him. I told him that I wanted him to step in and put his foot down and protect little daisy from the crazy adult who wants to take her therapy and therapist away. I started to cry and asked him why on earth he encouraged me to let this part come forward again if he was just going to let me squash it. He nodded and agreed that she had really good reasons to be upset.
And then he said, "why are you mad at me when you brought up cutting back? Was it a test?" I said, "not a conscious one. And it is coming from practical considerations, etc. I'm shocked at my own reaction to all of this." And from there I rattled into how much driving I was doing, etc. etc. And he said, "Yes, it is a lot of driving."
And I sat up a little straighter and dried my tears. And thought, "you failed the test again."
At the end of the session he knew I was upset still. He was sort of probing about the weekend and I was quiet and sad. I told him I didn't want to leave...and then I asked him if the stories I'm telling him were too much, was he going to say, "stop" or leave me? I told him I'm terrified that when he has some time away from me he dreads seeing me again. He said no, of course not. That he thought we were doing really good work and he was always glad to see me when I came. I couldn't help it, I blurted, "why?"
He kind of laughed and then said, "maybe I just like you." Hmmm...hard to not smile at that.
So -- I have no idea what to do about Wednesday. I'm sure by Monday I will be ready to cut back. And then I'll see him and won't be able to do it.
Thank you all for your encouragement. It shouldn't be this hard. You'd think I'd want to AVOID some of this pain and be happy to cut back, wouldn't you? I feel like such a mess these days.
Posted by Dinah on August 17, 2006, at 22:02:04
In reply to Re: Should I cut back? Continued, posted by Daisym on August 17, 2006, at 21:42:12
I *wish* they would think about what they say when we ask about cutting back. There are answers that would make it easier, and ones that make it harder, and somehow I think they've been taught the ones that make it harder. "You must be noncommittal. This will allow the client to do what is in his/her best interest. You must not show any preference one way or another." Bah. It comes across all wrong. I understand the theory. But I wish I could write some textbooks.
My textbook would say something more like "This is a time when it's particularly important to show caring. The client is feeling particularly vulnerable, and noncommittal can look like indifferent. This will cause the client to grab your knees and hang on for dear life, while also making the client want to run for his/her life. Keeping this in mind, show maximum warmth while encouraging the client to make the decision his/herself."
Sigh. Oh, the textbook I could write.
If you assume that your therapist is just clumsily attempting to be neutral, not indifferent, what do you think is the best thing for you right now? Or the best thing for you and your son, I suppose I could say.
Posted by pegasus on August 18, 2006, at 9:05:30
In reply to Re: Should I cut back? Continued, posted by Daisym on August 17, 2006, at 21:42:12
Yeah, it sounds like you have two (at least) opposing things going on in your brain. Your two parts seeing things so differently. It's so difficult and confusing when that happens. But both parts have their needs, and their reasons, and you *are* making sense. It's wonderful that you and your therapist are able to see that. But it's still hard to figure out what to do, isn't it?
Maybe there isn't a really wrong decision here. You can always try something new and then change your mind again if it doesn't work. The decision isn't the hard part, is it? It sounds like the hard part is maybe something around being so vulnerable to whatever your T says. That's always the hard part for me. If they just say the right thing, I can usually do whatever I need to. I think Dinah should write that book, and make it mandatory reading in therapist school.
p
Posted by Dinah on August 18, 2006, at 16:52:07
In reply to Re: Should I cut back? Continued, posted by pegasus on August 18, 2006, at 9:05:30
I at least taught one therapist. My therapist and I talked about therapeutic neutrality today. He maintained that the therapist was doing his best to keep his feelings and needs separate. I argued that even if I acknowledged that the intentions were noble, there was no way for there to be neutrality in a relationship. I reminded him of a few times when he's attempted to be neutral and pointed out how un-neutral it was in practice.
He did agree with me. So now at least one therapist in the world acknowledges that neutrality in an ongoing relationship is not at all neutral.
This is the end of the thread.
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