Posted by Daisym on August 17, 2006, at 21:42:12
In reply to Should I cut back?, posted by Daisym on August 17, 2006, at 0:49:37
I yelled at my therapist today -- well, OK, I never yell. But I was really, really upset with him. I told him that I wanted him to step in and put his foot down and protect little daisy from the crazy adult who wants to take her therapy and therapist away. I started to cry and asked him why on earth he encouraged me to let this part come forward again if he was just going to let me squash it. He nodded and agreed that she had really good reasons to be upset.
And then he said, "why are you mad at me when you brought up cutting back? Was it a test?" I said, "not a conscious one. And it is coming from practical considerations, etc. I'm shocked at my own reaction to all of this." And from there I rattled into how much driving I was doing, etc. etc. And he said, "Yes, it is a lot of driving."
And I sat up a little straighter and dried my tears. And thought, "you failed the test again."
At the end of the session he knew I was upset still. He was sort of probing about the weekend and I was quiet and sad. I told him I didn't want to leave...and then I asked him if the stories I'm telling him were too much, was he going to say, "stop" or leave me? I told him I'm terrified that when he has some time away from me he dreads seeing me again. He said no, of course not. That he thought we were doing really good work and he was always glad to see me when I came. I couldn't help it, I blurted, "why?"
He kind of laughed and then said, "maybe I just like you." Hmmm...hard to not smile at that.
So -- I have no idea what to do about Wednesday. I'm sure by Monday I will be ready to cut back. And then I'll see him and won't be able to do it.
Thank you all for your encouragement. It shouldn't be this hard. You'd think I'd want to AVOID some of this pain and be happy to cut back, wouldn't you? I feel like such a mess these days.
poster:Daisym
thread:677319
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/677578.html