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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on August 14, 2006, at 10:33:49
Lets say I deceided to have a sexual affair with my allergist and it was kept between us only.
Now lets say I talk to my therapist about it, is my therapist required to report it or is what I say protected under confidentually laws?
I have to ask him to verify this again for me, he did tell me about a year ago that he wasn't allowed to do anything unless it was child abuse, or intent to do harm to myself or another person.
I am not looking for judgements whether it is right or wrong, but just if the affair is kept to oourselves other than my T. I know he would have a lot more to lose than me so he isn't going to talk, and I won't either if I deceide to do it.
It has been a year and half with no sex and it is driving me nuts. I have no marriage anymore and I still have needs. I guess i have a lot to think about.
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 10:36:32
In reply to Have a question about ethics reporting, posted by happyflower on August 14, 2006, at 10:33:49
You're protected.
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 10:39:26
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » happyflower, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 10:36:32
At least that was the conclusion that was reached a while ago when this topic came up.
It might be a good idea to mention it to your therapist before you do anything, to evaluate whether this is the best thing for you.
For example, could your husband use this information against you in any divorce or custody proceedings in the future should he find out?
Posted by happyflower on August 14, 2006, at 11:06:26
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 10:39:26
Thanks Dinah,
Well if he found out, I don't know if there is much he could do because he is the one who had an affair first. I guess I would be as much as a scum bag as he was. Isn't life grand?
Posted by happyflower on August 14, 2006, at 11:11:06
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » Dinah, posted by happyflower on August 14, 2006, at 11:06:26
Now my DH could cause a big stink for the doctor involved because he is going against his code of ethics.
I haven't done anything yet, but this attraction and flirting has been going for for a couple of years, and just recently he has crossed the lines again. The first time it happened, I was still trying to work on my marraige, so I ignored it. But now I have no marriage, it is dead, at least to me, so I don't know I feel tempted. It would only be a physical relationship though, not an emotional one at least for me.
Posted by Tamar on August 14, 2006, at 12:26:10
In reply to Have a question about ethics reporting, posted by happyflower on August 14, 2006, at 10:33:49
I think it’s a very good thing that you’re thinking seriously about having an affair.
I’m not saying I think it would be good if you actually had an affair. I don’t know whether it would be good or bad to do it. But I do think it’s a good thing to *think* about, because clearly you’ve reached a point where you want to do something to change the way things are.
It seems to me as if an affair is almost a way of escaping from your marriage without leaving it. But maybe I’m projecting. Or maybe there’s a little part of you that wants to hurt him as much as he has hurt you? That would be pretty natural.
I can imagine that getting your sexual needs met in a relationship with your allergist would make you feel a lot better in many ways. I suppose I wonder though whether a purely physical relationship would address your needs for comfort and security and love. Is there somewhere you can find those other things?
When I think about your relationship with your husband, it seems from what you’ve said as if it’s not just the sex you’re missing. He was a very important source of security for you for many years. And I imagine you feel as if he’s abandoned you not just sexually but emotionally too. Do you ever talk to him about that aspect of the relationship? I know you’re angry about the infidelity aspect of things, but there seems to be so much more going on in your marriage than the lack of sex… I wonder what he’d say if you told him you missed feeling close to him and protected by him.
Please just tell me to mind my own business if I’m talking sh*t.
Tamar
Posted by caraher on August 14, 2006, at 13:11:15
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 10:39:26
> At least that was the conclusion that was reached a while ago when this topic came up.
>
> It might be a good idea to mention it to your therapist before you do anything, to evaluate whether this is the best thing for you.
>
> For example, could your husband use this information against you in any divorce or custody proceedings in the future should he find out?Discussing this before any revelations is smart. I asked my T about her notes once (not because I was worried about how they may be used, more out of curiosity) and she said she deliberately destroys them after a short time specifically so there would be no physical records for a lawyer to demand access to.
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 13:26:56
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting, posted by caraher on August 14, 2006, at 13:11:15
Hmmm... I had forgotten that point. They do get their records subpoena'd in custody hearings, don't they?
Posted by Racer on August 14, 2006, at 14:36:48
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » caraher, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 13:26:56
A lot of Ts write very general notes, for just that reason. They want to avoid harm to their clients in that sort of situation.
And a T has to have the client's permission to report, except in immediate situations. When I first reported my own CSA, by then several years in the past, the T I told about it couldn't do anything. She finally convinced me to call myself, and sat with me while I did it. Since it wasn't an immediate situation, with a known victim at that time, she couldn't report without my permission.
No, I'm not going to write more about that after all...
Posted by ElaineM on August 14, 2006, at 16:02:18
In reply to Have a question about ethics reporting, posted by happyflower on August 14, 2006, at 10:33:49
Rock and a hard place, huh ;-) Wanting to share, but afraid of the consequences. From my own experience, anyone in ANY "helping profession" is obligated to report ethic violations (which they call "sexual abuse" regardless of what the two people involved would call it) to the "offender's" professional association. But this is the important part -- you MUST provide a name. No name = no obligation for the listener.
Does your T know the name of your alergist? Because that might change everything.
And of course, I suppose regulations could change depending on where you are -- I just assume they'd be very similar. And I'm also assuming that an alergist has an MD title, right?
((HF)) Sticky situation.
Elaine
Posted by madeline on August 15, 2006, at 7:04:38
In reply to Have a question about ethics reporting, posted by happyflower on August 14, 2006, at 10:33:49
could you get a new allergist?
Posted by crazy teresa on August 15, 2006, at 7:20:35
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting, posted by happyflower on August 14, 2006, at 11:11:06
Sweetie, be very careful. It's always about the emotions even if it doesn't seem like it on the surface.
Posted by happyflower on August 15, 2006, at 18:44:51
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » happyflower, posted by Tamar on August 14, 2006, at 12:26:10
>
> I’m not saying I think it would be good if you actually had an affair. I don’t know whether it would be good or bad to do it. But I do think it’s a good thing to *think* about, because clearly you’ve reached a point where you want to do something to change the way things are.You are right, I need a change, things really stink at the moment.
> It seems to me as if an affair is almost a way of escaping from your marriage without leaving it. But maybe I’m projecting. Or maybe there’s a little part of you that wants to hurt him as much as he has hurt you? That would be pretty natural.Again yeah, it is like leaving but not. I don't think I am thinking of refenge, but more of my physical needs.
>
> I can imagine that getting your sexual needs met in a relationship with your allergist would make you feel a lot better in many ways.Yeah, and he is cute too with a nice deep sexy voice! LOL I will be seeing him a lot in the next month because he asked me to take part in a medical research he is conducting. My next visit will be like 3 hours. He mentioned something about that we should have lunch together. I don't see him for 2 weeks so I have time to think about this. I have seen him for over 4 years and the fliting his taken a whole new level this year.
I suppose I wonder though whether a purely physical relationship would address your needs for comfort and security and love. Is there somewhere you can find those other things?
>
This a good thought, but I don't really know, it gives me something to think about.> When I think about your relationship with your husband, it seems from what you’ve said as if it’s not just the sex you’re missing. He was a very important source of security for you for many years. And I imagine you feel as if he’s abandoned you not just sexually but emotionally too. Do you ever talk to him about that aspect of the relationship?
We don't talk much at all, I have tried over the last year, but he is closed down.
I know you’re angry about the infidelity aspect of things, but there seems to be so much more going on in your marriage than the lack of sex… I wonder what he’d say if you told him you missed feeling close to him and protected by him.I guess I am at the point where I don't want to protect me because I don't feel safe with him, I detest him.
> Please just tell me to mind my own business if I’m talking sh*t.I would never say that to you Tamar, I am glad you took the time to respond. I always like to hear from you. ;-) (even if you are talking sh*t,) LOL just kidding.
Posted by happyflower on August 15, 2006, at 18:51:51
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » happyflower, posted by ElaineM on August 14, 2006, at 16:02:18
> >
> Does your T know the name of your alergist? Because that might change everything.My T not only knows his name, but also knows his wife because she is a doc too that he has seen with one of his conditions several years ago. I have asked my T about this about a year ago, when the allergist smacked my butt after my concert. My T said that what I say is protected by client confidentiality. He told me of instances where he would have break these rules. But I am a little paronoid about this , so I will have to ask him again, just to make sure. (plus it makes him a little jealous too) LOL
Thanks Elaine,
If you ever want to talk more about your situtation you could babble mail me. ;-)
Posted by happyflower on August 15, 2006, at 18:53:45
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » happyflower, posted by madeline on August 15, 2006, at 7:04:38
> could you get a new allergist?
I could, but he is the best one in the area. ;-) Did I tell you about how cute he looks when he playes in band with his faded levis on? Oh, baby!
Posted by happyflower on August 15, 2006, at 18:54:25
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » happyflower, posted by crazy teresa on August 15, 2006, at 7:20:35
Posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 20:45:13
In reply to Have a question about ethics reporting, posted by happyflower on August 14, 2006, at 10:33:49
So your allergist is married?
If he's married I don't really feel its right somehow.
Ethically.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Not to bring you down.
But getting your rocks off isn't everything.
Masterbation works. If its a purely physical thing.
Just think of his butt when you doing it!
Well, that is my exalted opinion.
Keeping in mind that I'm queen of the sh*theads.
Sigh.
Life sucks sometimes eh?
Muffy
Posted by happyflower on August 16, 2006, at 8:23:34
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » happyflower, posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 20:45:13
Hi Muffled,
I know what you are saying because before I was in this situation, it is what I thought too. But my T said if a married person is going to have an affair it would be better to have it with another married person . He said the other person would be in the same situation and wouldn't demand more time together like a single person would eventually.
I just don't know about this all. I am wondering if I do this will it turn off a good guy in my future if he finds out about what I did. My mind is spinning today. AAAUUUGGGHHH!
Posted by Dinah on August 16, 2006, at 9:50:59
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » muffled, posted by happyflower on August 16, 2006, at 8:23:34
Your therapist said that?
I'm not doubting your word. I'm just wondering why your therapist thought it was better to pull more parties (spouse and children of other party) into an affair than it would be to have different expectations on time spent together. The latter only causes distress to the two parties who entered knowingly.
Masturbation can be pretty d*mn good, you know.
Posted by susan47 on August 16, 2006, at 11:04:04
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » muffled, posted by happyflower on August 16, 2006, at 8:23:34
I know these things can work. And what your therapist told you is true, it's an axiom, "Make sure the other guy has as much to lose as you do" that's another way of putting it, to be safe.
And it's true, I'm sure. Never been there, won't be there, wouldn't put myself there in a bazillion years unless it was equal. It has to be equal. I know people who do have these affairs, sometimes for years .. and it can work as long as you know what you're in it for, don't change that and keep looking ahead. Especially if the guy you're going to have the affair with is as hot to have it as you are. That's important too. Mmmmm. Lucky you. It's nice to feel hot and anticipatory. That's the best thing about it all, then you get to make out and go home. I mean what could be better? Personally, I wouldn't hesitate, not after living a bit longer.
Posted by susan47 on August 16, 2006, at 11:05:47
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » happyflower, posted by Dinah on August 16, 2006, at 9:50:59
Masturbation can be pretty damn good. It's less hurtful, too, if somebody's going to get hurt. Most likely it would be the wife. Doesn't sound like HF's husband would give too much of a damn. Unless the wife is also fooling around on him. But life hurts. Life does hurt no matter what. I guess we choose how.
Posted by happyflower on August 16, 2006, at 11:32:41
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » happyflower, posted by Dinah on August 16, 2006, at 9:50:59
> Your therapist said that?
Ya, he said that, quite awhile ago. I think if people are going to cheat, they are going to, so if you do, you should cheat with someone in the same situation. I am not saying all of this is right or wrong. My T just said it is easier because if a married person got involved with a single person, the single person would probably start to become more demanding of the others time and more likely try to end the married relationship so they can be with that person.If both are married, they both have somewhere to go at the end of the day and they both would prefer to keep it decreet.
> Masturbation can be pretty d*mn good,
you know.Masturbation is good, but after 1 1/2 years of that, I need more. Masturbation isn't the same or as good as the real thing, at least to me.
Posted by happyflower on August 16, 2006, at 11:39:54
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » happyflower, posted by susan47 on August 16, 2006, at 11:04:04
Hi Susan,
I never thought I would ever think of doing this or be in this situation, EVER. My DH broke that deal we had when we said our vows. I never thought he would cheat either. Then refuse to have sex with me for over a year and then refuse to talk about it. I am not getting what I thought I married into.
I don't know if I am going to have the affair. THe guy is hot , and has been kinda after me for a long time. I have put him off, even though I was attracted to him and was flattered by flirting, but now I don't have a marriage anymore. I have nothing. But I do have some physical needs, which I have been taking care of for over year on my own, but sometimes that is not enough, I need a man.
I am only thinking of consitering having an affair, I don't know if I would. It really go's against a lot of what I believe in. But I used to believe in love and marriage, and look where that got me, NOWHERE. All I have is hurt and pain of believing in love.
Posted by Dinah on August 16, 2006, at 12:05:33
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » susan47, posted by happyflower on August 16, 2006, at 11:39:54
But you aren't the only wife involved here. Sure it sounds as if her husband is no prize. And maybe she does or doesn't know that. Maybe it wouldn't hurt her to have someone sleep with her husband. It would hurt me, and I think it hurt you, but maybe it wouldn't hurt her.
I think I'd want to call her and find out before I had an affair.
Also, you want your husband to be tested, and I think that's a fine idea. But the allergist who comes on to his patients is more likely to have STD's, including ones that aren't particularly well contained by condoms. Maybe you should ask the same of him.
Posted by muffled on August 16, 2006, at 14:04:52
In reply to Re: Have a question about ethics reporting » happyflower, posted by Dinah on August 16, 2006, at 12:05:33
Yeah the std thing kinda crossed my mind too.
The allergist is proly a player.
If you have an affair, what will you get?
Physical satisfaction.
Mebbe psychologically you feel more womanly?
I dunno.
Just looking at the pros and cons of the situation, it doesn't seem like there's alot of pros.
Personally I think you are a great treasure and need to wait and find a man that will treat you as such.
Not just some fling on the side.
Have you gone to one of those sex shops to see their 'wares' ?!
I don't think anybody has died from lack of sex.
But lack of intimacy can be saddening.
You are special HF.
Don't treat yourself anyway thats gonna make you feel bad later.
Take care,
Muffled
This is the end of the thread.
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