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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Karolina on August 6, 2006, at 23:23:25
In the past I have posted on here about how my parents' very open affectionate behavior and sexually liberal perspectives have felt disturbing:
"...It didn't help that my parents have always been very liberal with things, not seeming to care about censorship. I was allowed to see R-rated movies at a very young age and sex has always seem to be a casual subject in our household. Not in a perverted way, but in the way that I don't feel uncomfortable when sexual jokes are told, there's dirty gossip about people hooking up, etc. But my parents are also verrry affectionate towards one another, not in public really but at home they seem to act pretty lovey-dovey. Which ironically makes me feel very uncomfortable..."
Despite sex being such a casual subject around my house - when I was younger I had stumbled across a few of my dad's porn sites by accident and those images feel like they have stained my mind. I even once came across a porno-movie they had in the VCR when I had thought my disney movie was still in there from the previous day. I was like 6 or 7. Then when I was 17, I was raped by a former good friend of mine.
I feel sick and sexually overwhelmed by all of those things that have happened.
But I have talked about some of this before with my T, which has helped a lot.
I am currently living with my parents since I am still 20 but will be leaving again in the fall to go back to school. This afternoon I was planning to take a nap. My mother, downstairs, must have fallen asleep in her room too. It's hard to describe but my room is upstairs and we have a balcony-type thing that looks out over most of the first floor. I was about to take my nap when I decided it was hot so I went down the hall to fix the thermostat. From where I was standing I could see our computer downstairs. My dad was in front of it - looking at porn - and masturbating.
It was so shocking. I feel sick even writing about it on here. For some reason it made me very upset and I ran back to my room and started crying.
From the angle I was standing at, his back was to me but I could figure out what was going on. It made me feel so angry. If he was going to do that, why didn't he just wait until he was alone and I wasn't home?!? I feel like I've been haunted by porn my entire life thanks to him! and do married men normally do that anyway??
I just feel so disturbed and sick and there is no one to really tell. It was especially disturbing, considering how I've had all these mixed up thoughts about my T...my T and my dad are the same exact age. I am very sexually attracted to my T, who has a son my age. But sometimes I try to see my T as a father-figure since he is so much older. But it feels weird sometimes to be so attracted to a man who could be my father. Then my real father is looking at porn. It's just like all these thoughts are getting so tangled up. I feel so sick right now.
I don't really know the point of this post but I think I am just extremely distressed right now. I just want to get away from here. I want to go make myself throw up, even though I haven't done any of that since April. I feel so confused. I hate myself right now.
-Karolina-
Posted by LadyBug on August 7, 2006, at 0:48:15
In reply to why?? **sexual trigger**, posted by Karolina on August 6, 2006, at 23:23:25
That makes me sick and I don't even know you or your Dad. You painted a pretty good picture of what you saw. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this most of your life. It's a sickness, just like a drug. While I don't have much to offer, I would like you to remember that the porn is your DAD'S problem. You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. And he won't stop unless he wants to.
I hope you can talk to your T about how upset it made you feel. What a thing to try to erase from your mind? I don't think there's an eraser big enough for that. Your T. might be a father figure to you. Someone that you wish your father *could* have been like maybe? I don't know.
I'm sorry for you, I'd want to run away too. Try to focus on other things, like good music, or a good book, watch a movie, read a magazine. Go somewhere out of the house?
Do you love your dad? Sorry I don't know much about men and masterbation. That's not something I've ever talked about with my husband but I'm pretty sure he doesn't do that, unless it's rarely. I wouldn't want to know. I guess I'm a private person in that way.
Posted by madeline on August 7, 2006, at 5:07:57
In reply to why?? **sexual trigger**, posted by Karolina on August 6, 2006, at 23:23:25
I, too, am sorry that you had to see, experience and feel all of that. Sex is supposed to be a wonderful thing and it appears as though you have witnessed every perversion of it.
However, it appears to me as though you are in a good position to work through it. You are in therapy and you have shared some of what you have experienced with your therapist.
If you feel you can, you have every right to ask that your dad refrain from using porn while you are around. You, at the very least, have the right to insist that he be more discreet about it.
Keep talking to your T and to us.
Maddie
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2006, at 9:18:44
In reply to why?? **sexual trigger**, posted by Karolina on August 6, 2006, at 23:23:25
Married men do it, but ones with appropriate boundaries do it behind closed doors, or when they're sure they're alone. Just as they do when they're having sex with their wives.
I'm sorry you had to live with inappropriate sexual boundaries when you were growing up. I think it's underappreciated how much it can affect a person.
Please do discuss it with your therapist, as many times as you need to. It's not an easy topic to come to grips with.
Posted by Jost on August 7, 2006, at 12:26:52
In reply to Re: why?? **sexual trigger** » Karolina, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2006, at 9:18:44
Karolina, I'm so sorry you had to witness that when growing up and even now, at home, as a young adult.
It seems that your parents for some reason didn't learn appropriate boundaries-- ie, what it is and isn't all right to do, or how to act, with other people, so as to establish and respect separateness. On many dimensions.
Their sexual actions are probably only the tip of the iceberg, as they say, in this.
I wish you could ask you Dad to put the porn away, or talk to your parents and ask them to do it together. But it depends a lot on your relationship. If you could, it would be part of learning to protect yourself, beginning to create boundaries, and thus to be in a safer place.
That's an extremely important thing to do. I'm sure, over time, this will be part of your work with your T.
But for the summer, are there things you can do to change the situation, and to make it at least less likely that you'll be exposed to things that are so disturbing?
Jost
Posted by fairywings on August 7, 2006, at 15:55:41
In reply to Re: why?? **sexual trigger** » Dinah, posted by Jost on August 7, 2006, at 12:26:52
I'm so sorry you've happened upon all of that, it's understandable why you'd be so upset. I think Dinah was right - very inappropriate boundaries. It would be responsible to protect a child from porn by locks, and seeing inappropriate things with closed, locked doors.
fw
Posted by Jost on August 7, 2006, at 18:49:22
In reply to Re: why?? **sexual trigger** » Dinah, posted by Jost on August 7, 2006, at 12:26:52
Posted by muffled on August 7, 2006, at 21:32:03
In reply to why?? **sexual trigger**, posted by Karolina on August 6, 2006, at 23:23:25
Sorry you had to get so overexposed.
Its was wonderful to hear how you seem to have an understanding of what appropriate and not despite your unusual upbringing. It must have been terribly confusing.
Lots of guys wack off to porn. Or in the shower. Or in hotel rooms. Or in bed. Etc. And it don't matter if their married or not. Sometimes the man just needs to get off more often and masterbation is what they can do. Same goes for women as well. I don't think its wrong to masterbate. But I must admit I do not agree with porn. Too many damaged lives. Also it should be done privately. Your Dad may not have known that you were there but he should still do it in a private place.
I understand your confusion. I am confused about sex too. And i am a married woman!
I find the intimacy of it terrifying.
It sounds like you have been working on things so thats nice to hear.
Its hard bout your T too. I think lots of people get attracted to their T cuz of the intimacy thing, and sex is so screwed up in our society, that its really not surprizing.
Another poster was able to talk to her T bout her attraction and it helped her alot. Dunno if you read that thread.
I'm rambling,
Sorry,
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Karolina on August 7, 2006, at 23:10:15
In reply to why?? **sexual trigger**, posted by Karolina on August 6, 2006, at 23:23:25
thank you all so much...It felt a lot better to write on here and get some of this out. I really do appreciate your responses so much.
What scares though is that after I cried, now all I feel is numbness. You would think I would be hiding from my dad and not able to face him or look him in the eye, but it's like I act like it never even happened, I didn't feel any awkwardness around him at all last night or today. Maybe in a way that is good, that I was able to block it out of my mind, but it also worries me that I become so desentisized to something that disturbing so quickly.
I'm not sure I feel quite ready to bring up the extreme details of this with my T. It feels especially weird, since they are the same age, both fathers, etc. It made me wonder if my T does this sort of thing too. Which I would find disturbing as well, yet if it had something to do with me in his fantasizing, then I probably would like that - which is *sick*...Everything is just so mixed up.
I wish there was a way for me to figure out the password to my dad's account so that I could go on there and delete his collection of websites and emails. I have come across them before, when he forgot to log out/sign off. I knew about all of it, but I never knew that he did what I saw yesterday while he looked at them.
I know doing that is totally normal for both men and women, but I think my whole concern was that I don't want to know about it, or I wish he would be more careful about it. I feel numb but I feel so angry too. I think my mom could tell last night. She kept bothering me and bothering me asking if 'something was wrong', or if 'everything was alright'. That made me annoyed and kind of angry too so I just blurted it out to her...which I kind of regret.
She found it hysterical and laughed about it when I first told her, which made me angry again. But maybe she just didn't know how to react. She said she wouldn't tell him that I saw him, but that she would find a way to maybe speak to him about the porn or to remind him to be more private about that kind of stuff or something. Then I even went on to tell her how I feel like all of that other stuff I experienced earlier in life makes me feel like it's screwed me up. Which I regret saying, because it's actually very uncomfortable to talk about my mental issues with her. Her response to me feeling so messed up over everything that's happened was that she tries to forget the negative things that are part of the past and that I should try to do the same.
Well it's kind of hard to 'move on' when I get reminded of all that horrible stuff every so often...My T says I have hypersexual tendencies (which made me somewhat promiscuous in the past) and he agrees that some of this stuff could be responsible. I'm not using all of what happened as an excuse for my behavior, but I do feel that it's twisted my perceptions on normal sexuality and has left me feeling troubled after almost every encounter I've ever had.
I feel trapped and guilty. I feel like maybe it's my fault since I am living here, that my parents don't get to be alone enough so maybe that's why he is looking at porn and is obviously desperate for some sort of gratification, if he was even willing to take the risk of looking at it while I'm home. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm so disgusted. I want to scream but I don't have the energy to do anything. I don't hate my parents but I really hate how they have created these terrible boundaries. It makes me want to get out of the house and get wasted or messed up on something. I feel terrible right now. Especially with my T being away and oblivious to all of this. Between my sexually harassing boss to my dad's sexual habits, I feel like I cant take anymore of this. Maybe I should just go into the porn industry, I'm serious. If I am going to keep being tortured by this then I might as well make my life about it.
Thanks everyone for listening.-Karolina-
Posted by muffled on August 8, 2006, at 0:12:08
In reply to thanks everyone, kind of long, posted by Karolina on August 7, 2006, at 23:10:15
> What scares though is that after I cried, now all I feel is numbness. You would think I would be hiding from my dad I didn't feel any awkwardness around him at all last night or today. but it also worries me that I become so desentisized to something that disturbing so quickly.
***Well fortunately this has never happened to me, but what you saw isn't so strange. Your father is a man, doing what some men do. You are no stranger to the sex act, so it wasn't shocking in that way. I wonder if it just was the combination of things you have so much confusion about that made it so intense for you. I wonder if you have a big heart and thats why you hate the porn stuff.
I would be extreemly angry and confused as a young person to see my dad looking at sexual images of girls who could be me. Extreemly confused. Extreemly angy.>
> I'm not sure I feel quite ready to bring up the extreme details of this with my T. It feels especially weird, since they are the same age, both fathers, etc. It made me wonder if my T does this sort of thing too. Which I would find disturbing as well, yet if it had something to do with me in his fantasizing, then I probably would like that - which is *sick*...Everything is just so mixed up.***Yeah. I am the QUEEN of mixed up. There's so much I don't understand....
But, old lady that I am, I have found that its sometimes ok to talk bout these things with a safe person.
I used to get the hots for teachers in school, they were not always young, proly lots of them my dads age at the time. So I don't think your fantasising bout your T is sick. From what I have read here on Babble , this T/sex thing seems to be VERY common. My T says it can happen to any T any gender combo etc. So your definately NOT sick or strange. Your T sounds nice, but I goto admit I like having my female T (I am female).
>
> I wish there was a way for me to figure out the password to my dad's account so that I could go on there and delete his collection of websites and emails. I have come across them before, when he forgot to log out/sign off. I knew about all of it, but I never knew that he did what I saw yesterday while he looked at them.***So it sounds like you have alot of anger and disgust about your dad/porn.
>
> I know doing that is totally normal for both men and women, but I think my whole concern was that I don't want to know about it, or I wish he would be more careful about it. I feel numb but I feel so angry too. I think my mom could tell last night. She kept bothering me and bothering me asking if 'something was wrong', or if 'everything was alright'. That made me annoyed and kind of angry too so I just blurted it out to her...which I kind of regret.**Its seems good that you were able to talk to your mom about it so it won't happen again.
>
> She found it hysterical and laughed about it when I first told her, which made me angry again. But maybe she just didn't know how to react. She said she wouldn't tell him that I saw him, but that she would find a way to maybe speak to him about the porn or to remind him to be more private about that kind of stuff or something. Then I even went on to tell her how I feel like all of that other stuff I experienced earlier in life makes me feel like it's screwed me up. Which I regret saying, because it's actually very uncomfortable to talk about my mental issues with her. Her response to me feeling so messed up over everything that's happened was that she tries to forget the negative things that are part of the past and that I should try to do the same.**As a parent I know it hurts terribly to consider you have done things to hurt your child. It may just be that. Maybe it hurts her too much cuz she loves you.
>
> Well it's kind of hard to 'move on' when I get reminded of all that horrible stuff every so often...My T says I have hypersexual tendencies (which made me somewhat promiscuous in the past) and he agrees that some of this stuff could be responsible. I'm not using all of what happened as an excuse for my behavior, but I do feel that it's twisted my perceptions on normal sexuality and has left me feeling troubled after almost every encounter I've ever had.**Sex is complicated for most people it would seem, one way or another.'Normal sexuality', what IS that? Is it anything like me saying to my T that I wish I was more 'normal', and she says to me, what is normal?
I do think you been exposed too young perhaps to too much sex stuff and were never really able to come up with your own definition of your own personal sexuality. It was forced upon you and you got mixed up.
>
> I feel trapped and guilty. I feel like maybe it's my fault since I am living here, I'm so disgusted. I want to scream but I don't have the energy to do anything. I don't hate my parents but I really hate how they have created these terrible boundaries. Between my sexually harassing boss to my dad's sexual habits, I feel like I cant take anymore of this. Maybe I should just go into the porn industry, I'm serious. If I am going to keep being tortured by this then I might as well make my life about it.***Your dads been doing porn a long time from what I gather, I don't think its got ANYthing to do with you. Its ALL about him and selfishness.
I feel ALOT of anger on your part. I hope you can work this out with a T. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You seem smart and so you'll be able to work this out. It just may take time and the help of a T that is a good comfortable fit for you.
I have no idea of your work situation, but really, noone should have to take such crap from a boss in this day and age in my opinion. But then I can be awfully belligerant :-) Seriously though, the prob with your boss could proly be its own thread....
Best wishes,
Take care,
Muffled.P.S. feel free to tell me to shut up! I am also keeping myself out of trouble by spending time posting. And I am learning. So thank you.
You are somebody, you matter. Take care.
Posted by Tamar on August 10, 2006, at 16:58:57
In reply to thanks everyone, kind of long, posted by Karolina on August 7, 2006, at 23:10:15
Wow, I know for sure if I’d ever caught my dad looking at porn and masturbating I would have felt very sick indeed. Somehow it’s worse than the idea of seeing my parents having sex. I really think your father shouldn’t have assumed he had privacy. You and your mother were both in the house. I doubt it’s a problem if your mother catches him masturbating, but he should have been more careful when *you* were there.
I’m certain that seeing porn at the age of 6 or 7 can be very damaging. I have very strong opinions about porn. I think the themes in porn are frequently sick and violent. There’s not very much porn in which men and women treat each other with tenderness.
I remember when I was in my late teens I found a copy of a book called The Story of O in my father’s bookshelf next to his bed. (I’m not linking to it because in my not-so-humble opinion it’s not suitable for anyone; people who really want to read it can track it down themselves). I started reading it and I found it horrifying and yet I couldn’t put it down. It was basically a pornographic story of a woman who becomes a sex slave to a sadist. I still sometimes have nightmares about it. And I was nearly a grown-up when I found it. I can tell you, it certainly coloured my view of my father. But you… you were a little kid when you saw your father’s porn. It’s just not right.
> Maybe in a way that is good, that I was able to block it out of my mind, but it also worries me that I become so desentisized to something that disturbing so quickly.
It sounds to me as if you’re not desensitized at all. Instead, I think you might be trying to repress it – I don’t mean that in a bad way. I just mean that perhaps you don’t want to think about it and so you’ve been able to shove it aside and ignore it. And I’m sure you know that doing that can be counter-productive.
> I'm not sure I feel quite ready to bring up the extreme details of this with my T. It feels especially weird, since they are the same age, both fathers, etc.
Happily, your T is *not* your father. I hope if you can bear to talk about it in detail with your T he can help you deal with it. It’s his job. From what you say, he’s good at his job, and not too easily shocked.
> It made me wonder if my T does this sort of thing too. Which I would find disturbing as well, yet if it had something to do with me in his fantasizing, then I probably would like that - which is *sick*...Everything is just so mixed up.
Not sick at all. Very normal. Gee, I have lots of fantasies about my therapist thinking of me when he touches himself. But in fact, I suspect my therapist chooses not to fantasise about his clients that way (he just seems like the kind of guy who would feel it compromised his integrity), but I’d be very surprised if he didn’t masturbate at all. Every adult man I’ve spoken to about it says he masturbates. I can understand why it feels weird to be confronted with the idea that your therapist might masturbate. But if you can tell him about your concerns you should be able to help you deal with it. I’d bet my house that other clients have talked to him before about whether he masturbates. It sounds to me as if you have a lot of discomfort with sexuality in general, and healthy expressions of it. I guess that’s what therapy’s for.
> I wish there was a way for me to figure out the password to my dad's account so that I could go on there and delete his collection of websites and emails. I have come across them before, when he forgot to log out/sign off. I knew about all of it, but I never knew that he did what I saw yesterday while he looked at them.
It’s not comfortable to think about our parents’ sexuality. And it’s even less comfortable to see it. But of course if you delete everything he can trawl the web and find it all again.
> She found it hysterical and laughed about it when I first told her, which made me angry again. But maybe she just didn't know how to react. She said she wouldn't tell him that I saw him, but that she would find a way to maybe speak to him about the porn or to remind him to be more private about that kind of stuff or something.
Well, laughter doesn’t sound like a very appropriate response. To give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she was nervous and didn’t know how to react, as you said.
> Then I even went on to tell her how I feel like all of that other stuff I experienced earlier in life makes me feel like it's screwed me up. Which I regret saying, because it's actually very uncomfortable to talk about my mental issues with her. Her response to me feeling so messed up over everything that's happened was that she tries to forget the negative things that are part of the past and that I should try to do the same.
Maybe that works for her, but it obviously doesn’t work for you. And maybe her negative experiences have been less traumatic than your negative experiences.
> Well it's kind of hard to 'move on' when I get reminded of all that horrible stuff every so often...My T says I have hypersexual tendencies (which made me somewhat promiscuous in the past) and he agrees that some of this stuff could be responsible. I'm not using all of what happened as an excuse for my behavior, but I do feel that it's twisted my perceptions on normal sexuality and has left me feeling troubled after almost every encounter I've ever had.
I don’t know about your history, but I think there’s a huge difference between having a lot of partners and being hypersexual. I think many women struggle to come to terms with the power of their own sexuality, especially in a culture that still enforces a double standard that values an abundance of male sexuality but disdains an abundance of female sexuality. Some women just have a very high sex drive. I think your experience of feeling troubled afterwards is much more of a problem than the number of your partners. But that feeling of being troubled could be cultural rather than mental, if that makes sense. I guess I just mean that there’s nothing inherently wrong with promiscuity, if you enjoy it. But if you don’t enjoy your sexual experiences that’s a real shame because sex can be lovely. I can see that your troubled feelings could be a source of sadness, but I really hope you don’t feel ashamed of your behaviour.
> I feel trapped and guilty. I feel like maybe it's my fault since I am living here, that my parents don't get to be alone enough so maybe that's why he is looking at porn and is obviously desperate for some sort of gratification, if he was even willing to take the risk of looking at it while I'm home.
I don’t know... I have three young children who demand my attention almost constantly when I’m at home, and I still find time for an active sex life. So I don’t think you’re preventing your parents from getting it on. I think a more likely explanation is that your father, like many people, enjoys a sexual relationship by himself as well as enjoying a sexual relationship with your mother. He has probably become accustomed to having the freedom to masturbate at any time and in any space, and has not taken account of the need for extra precautions while you are at home. It was thoughtless of him, and he needs to be reminded to behave more appropriately when you’re there.
> I don't know what I'm saying. I'm so disgusted. I want to scream but I don't have the energy to do anything. I don't hate my parents but I really hate how they have created these terrible boundaries. It makes me want to get out of the house and get wasted or messed up on something. I feel terrible right now. Especially with my T being away and oblivious to all of this. Between my sexually harassing boss to my dad's sexual habits, I feel like I cant take anymore of this. Maybe I should just go into the porn industry, I'm serious. If I am going to keep being tortured by this then I might as well make my life about it.
It sounds to me as if you’re feeling very trapped. Your boss is obviously behaving in a completely inappropriate and intimidating way, and to be honest in those circumstances I can imagine you find your father’s behaviour somewhat intimidating too. Your father needs to be a source of support to you right now, rather than exacerbating your difficulties.
Sexual harassment by a boss is *extremely* stressful and upsetting. I hope you’re not minimising it. And I’m sorry your parents aren’t more sensitive and sympathetic.
(((((Karolina)))))
When do you get to see your T again?
Posted by Karolina on August 12, 2006, at 1:46:13
In reply to late to this thread... » Karolina, posted by Tamar on August 10, 2006, at 16:58:57
Thanks Muffled and Tamar.
I really appreciate all of the support and for you guys taking the time to read my posts and give such detailed and encouraging responses. I am feeling somewhat better about everything now. My T is coming back soon and I am going to try my best to explain the basics of the situation. It may take me a few sessions to get all the details out but hopefully it will help me deal with this a little better. thanks again =)
-Karolina-
This is the end of the thread.
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