Posted by Karolina on August 7, 2006, at 23:10:15
In reply to why?? **sexual trigger**, posted by Karolina on August 6, 2006, at 23:23:25
thank you all so much...It felt a lot better to write on here and get some of this out. I really do appreciate your responses so much.
What scares though is that after I cried, now all I feel is numbness. You would think I would be hiding from my dad and not able to face him or look him in the eye, but it's like I act like it never even happened, I didn't feel any awkwardness around him at all last night or today. Maybe in a way that is good, that I was able to block it out of my mind, but it also worries me that I become so desentisized to something that disturbing so quickly.
I'm not sure I feel quite ready to bring up the extreme details of this with my T. It feels especially weird, since they are the same age, both fathers, etc. It made me wonder if my T does this sort of thing too. Which I would find disturbing as well, yet if it had something to do with me in his fantasizing, then I probably would like that - which is *sick*...Everything is just so mixed up.
I wish there was a way for me to figure out the password to my dad's account so that I could go on there and delete his collection of websites and emails. I have come across them before, when he forgot to log out/sign off. I knew about all of it, but I never knew that he did what I saw yesterday while he looked at them.
I know doing that is totally normal for both men and women, but I think my whole concern was that I don't want to know about it, or I wish he would be more careful about it. I feel numb but I feel so angry too. I think my mom could tell last night. She kept bothering me and bothering me asking if 'something was wrong', or if 'everything was alright'. That made me annoyed and kind of angry too so I just blurted it out to her...which I kind of regret.
She found it hysterical and laughed about it when I first told her, which made me angry again. But maybe she just didn't know how to react. She said she wouldn't tell him that I saw him, but that she would find a way to maybe speak to him about the porn or to remind him to be more private about that kind of stuff or something. Then I even went on to tell her how I feel like all of that other stuff I experienced earlier in life makes me feel like it's screwed me up. Which I regret saying, because it's actually very uncomfortable to talk about my mental issues with her. Her response to me feeling so messed up over everything that's happened was that she tries to forget the negative things that are part of the past and that I should try to do the same.
Well it's kind of hard to 'move on' when I get reminded of all that horrible stuff every so often...My T says I have hypersexual tendencies (which made me somewhat promiscuous in the past) and he agrees that some of this stuff could be responsible. I'm not using all of what happened as an excuse for my behavior, but I do feel that it's twisted my perceptions on normal sexuality and has left me feeling troubled after almost every encounter I've ever had.
I feel trapped and guilty. I feel like maybe it's my fault since I am living here, that my parents don't get to be alone enough so maybe that's why he is looking at porn and is obviously desperate for some sort of gratification, if he was even willing to take the risk of looking at it while I'm home. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm so disgusted. I want to scream but I don't have the energy to do anything. I don't hate my parents but I really hate how they have created these terrible boundaries. It makes me want to get out of the house and get wasted or messed up on something. I feel terrible right now. Especially with my T being away and oblivious to all of this. Between my sexually harassing boss to my dad's sexual habits, I feel like I cant take anymore of this. Maybe I should just go into the porn industry, I'm serious. If I am going to keep being tortured by this then I might as well make my life about it.
Thanks everyone for listening.-Karolina-
poster:Karolina
thread:674424
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/674717.html