![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bent on August 9, 2006, at 17:02:48
I am battling through some of the final, yet most painful parts of my csa experiences. My T knows that there is one particular thing I am not talking about. We assume I am not ready. My mind screams no, you will never tell. This incident makes me feel as bad as the person who abused me. I want to just fade to nothing when I think about it. So with a deep breath i will spill it here. It might get me closer to telling my T. Seems impossible. The person who did stuff to me occasionally had me touch his little sister. Oh my god, I feel like total scum. I touched her inappropriately because of his pressure. I didn’t want to I swear. I really really didnt. I felt so horrible; I remember the horrible guilty feeling as a child. If she remembers, I could be a monster in her eyes, an abuser. This overwhelms me. Why did I give into him? Did he make me a perp? He never made me penetrate her with objects/fingers. It was just light touching really. And he had her touch me. I believed he abused her all along as it just seemed so 'routine' to her. I feel like a horrible person. I want to delete this so badly. I think if I tell my T, a real life person, I am going hate myself even more. Someone will know what I did.
Posted by muffled on August 9, 2006, at 18:54:51
In reply to need to tell***serious csa trigger***, posted by bent on August 9, 2006, at 17:02:48
Now I know what you did Bent.
I'm not freaking out.
I just feel sad for the little kid you were.
So confused. So unsure. Just a kid.
You don't come across as bad.
You seem real nice.
Your aware of right and wrong.
Sh*t happens.
I dunno why.
Sucks.
But its over. Your ok.
Its gonna be ok.
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.
I can tell from your post.
Yeah, It'll be ok.
Thanks for trusting us with your telling.
Muffled
Posted by thewrite1 on August 9, 2006, at 19:07:48
In reply to need to tell***serious csa trigger***, posted by bent on August 9, 2006, at 17:02:48
I read your post about an hour ago and I've been trying to decide whether or not to respond. Something similar happened to me. I remember touching my 3 years younger cousin when I was very young (I'm unsure of my age). I'm able to forgive myself for that one because I know I was only doing what was done to me. I was abused as young as 3, so I just really didn't know any better. It happened again when I was around 13 due to pressure from another person. I feel tremedous guilt for that because I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I didn't feel I could say no. I worry about how my actions have affected my cousin.
We used to be close, but I suspect he remembered what happened and has distanced himself from me. I want to talk to him and tell him that I'm sorry, but I'm not ready for that yet. Your post has inspired me. I'm going to talk with my T about this and try to draft a letter to him that maybe someday I'll send.
BTW, I don't think either of us are bad people. We were kids brought up in bad circumstances. Hang in there and I hope you will talk to your T about this.
Posted by bent on August 9, 2006, at 19:36:34
In reply to Re: need to tell***serious csa trigger***, posted by muffled on August 9, 2006, at 18:54:51
Thanks muffled. Hearing those positive comments really helps.
Posted by bent on August 9, 2006, at 19:43:15
In reply to Re: need to tell***serious csa trigger***, posted by thewrite1 on August 9, 2006, at 19:07:48
I am sorry you have been in a similar situation. But it feels good to not be alone at the same time. I agree what you said about bad circumstances. We grew up with a very twisted view of what was acceptable. And then as you learn wrong from right you are faced with a whole new set of circumstances. This has been on my mind everyday so I think the day I tell my T is coming. I'm so afraid of being seen as bad. Its such a weird and awful feeling. I hope you can talk to your T too. It will be hard but I think we can do it.
Posted by canadagirl on August 9, 2006, at 19:56:23
In reply to need to tell***serious csa trigger***, posted by bent on August 9, 2006, at 17:02:48
You are so courageous to talk about this. This takes "guts", and is a big step towards healing. You have taken that step. Keep on the path. This courage you have within you now and it will be there for you when you feel it is time to share with your T.
Posted by Racer on August 9, 2006, at 22:16:07
In reply to need to tell***serious csa trigger***, posted by bent on August 9, 2006, at 17:02:48
You know what? Someone "made" you do it. Did it require a gun to your head? Of course not! All it required was a person in authority over you, a person with power over you, to tell you to do it. As a child, we're TRAINED to do what we're told to do. So, you were well trained, and it caused you to do something that you didn't want to do.
Intention counts in life, sometimes. This is one of those times. I think this is where that whole thing about grieving and accepting comes in: in order to get past this, you have to accept that it happened. And that's hard -- no question. But you know what else? Shining light on it will help, I promise. Cross my heart. Think of it as being like a fungus, or a mildew: sunlight will eliminate it, it's the best way.
I know it's not easy. My own story wasn't nearly as bad, I don't think, because I was really the only one hurt by what happened, but after 27 years of shame over something that happened to me in high school, I finally told a few people. I told GG first, as practice to telling the T I was seeing then. Then I told that T, and eventually my current T -- there's a reason I'm not seeing hte first T anymore... -- and I've also told a couple of other people here privately about what happened. After 27 years, Bent, I finally told my mother what happened. And you know what? Every time I tell someone about it, I feel healthier. I'm nowhere near being able to tell about it publicly, but I feel awfully strong for having told those I did tell.
You know what else? I'm so ashamed of this thing in my past, but -- with the exception of that first T, and probably my mother who is a squirrel -- every reaction I've gotten has helped me internalize the part about It Wasn't My Fault. It Doesn't Mean That I'm Awful. It was something someone else did, which wasn't fair, wasn't right, and hurt me very profoundly. Every time I tell it, I learn something new from the reactions I receive. (Poet, if you're reading, you really rocked my world. I never saw that perspective, and it really helped.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is possible, and you may be very surprised by the reaction you get when you do bring this up with your T.
(In my case, by the way, it all ties in with my feeling that everything must be my fault, because it's too frightening to think that I have/had no control over something that was so fundamental to my life. Maybe that's something for you to explore, too? That you feel guilt, because it's too overwhelming to take in that you really didn't have any choice?)
I hope that helps. And I hope that telling your T helps you heal.
Posted by bent on August 10, 2006, at 7:00:41
In reply to need to tell***serious csa trigger***, posted by bent on August 9, 2006, at 17:02:48
I called my T and left a message. I have to tell her. I hope she can see me today. I am scared.
Posted by antigua on August 10, 2006, at 8:09:41
In reply to need to tell***serious csa trigger***, posted by bent on August 9, 2006, at 17:02:48
I think you are a courageous and powerful to express what you have. Taking the next step and telling your T will hopefully help you tremendously. Go for it. I'm just so proud of you for taking the step.
antigua
Posted by Racer on August 10, 2006, at 10:41:54
In reply to Re: need to tell***serious csa trigger***, posted by bent on August 10, 2006, at 7:00:41
> I called my T and left a message. I have to tell her. I hope she can see me today. I am scared.
Congratulations. That took a hell of a lot of courage, and it shows a great deal of strength. I hope she can see you today, too, and that it's as healing for you as telling my thing was for me.
Let us know how you are, OK?
Posted by bent on August 10, 2006, at 11:02:36
In reply to Re: need to tell***serious csa trigger*** » bent, posted by Racer on August 10, 2006, at 10:41:54
It took 3 hours to hear back from her, which is unusual but three hours only seems like an eternity because of the issue. She'll see me this evening. I just want to disappear, maybe worse.
She asked if I thought it would be helpful to come in? I said that I thought it would be but its going to be so hard. So she then offered me the appt tonight. And said, We will get through whatever it is. I feel like throwing up.
Posted by Jost on August 10, 2006, at 12:03:25
In reply to Re: need to tell***serious csa trigger***, posted by bent on August 10, 2006, at 11:02:36
Bent, This is amazing. I admire you so much for taking this step.
It's hard to accept that acted against what you believed was right, even that you might have identified with your own abuser in some way, in order to feel more in control.
I dont' know what your particular feelings about that event were or are. But I know that you deserve to feel good about yourself, today, tomorrow.
That's why many people who were abused become abusers, to live with the fact of having been abused. But you aren't an abusive person. And you're working to overcome what's happened.
Other people, who know you and who care, are going to support you and admire you, because it's such a hard thing to come to terms with. We all have those secret things-- and therefore we all admire those who have the courage to face them,.
Your current T will hopefully be someone who does that, and more. She sounds caring.
Your friends here, too, who've experienced some of the same things that you have--about shame, and secrets, and working on their own loss and pain-- will also be here for you.
Jost
Posted by bent on August 10, 2006, at 12:51:29
In reply to Re: need to tell***serious csa trigger***, posted by Jost on August 10, 2006, at 12:03:25
Thanks Jost. I am really too shaken right now to make much sense but reading these post helps a lot. You said a lot of positive things, I will let them soak in.
Posted by sleepygirl on August 10, 2006, at 22:08:27
In reply to need to tell***serious csa trigger***, posted by bent on August 9, 2006, at 17:02:48
I'm sorry that happened to you
It's not your fault.
I know you might feel like it is your fault, but it's not.
You are NOT a horrible person. You aren't.I know you'll need to talk about this with your T. I know it will be difficult, but you don't deserve this burden.
I'm sorry.
:-(
Posted by llrrrpp on August 13, 2006, at 15:38:02
In reply to Re: need to tell***serious csa trigger*** » bent, posted by sleepygirl on August 10, 2006, at 22:08:27
Bent,
How are you doing? I hope that things went well with your T the other day. You have a lot of courage and strength. It must be terrifying to have these feelings so close to the surface for so long, and to finally let them escape- that must be truly scary. I hope that you can put your past in the context of being a scared child, and with your T you will find a way to move forward.yours,
-ll
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.