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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 30. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on July 14, 2006, at 12:13:28
How do you bring up a subject with your T that you're too embarassed to mention, but is totally and disruptively bothering you every day?
I can't even talk about it here. I trust my friends here, and would not be afraid of how I might be judged, but I am still greatly embarassed at the thought of mentioning it to anyone.
ClearSkies
Posted by Dinah on July 14, 2006, at 16:06:00
In reply to The elephant in my room, posted by ClearSkies on July 14, 2006, at 12:13:28
Last year I had only one secret left from my therapist, and it was a secret I'd just as soon take to my grave. Yet because it was the only secret left, it felt HUGE.
I have to confess that objectively it wasn't an enormously important secret.
I addressed it by first talking a couple of weeks about how embarassed I was about it, and then talked around it a bit. When I was convinced he wouldn't run screaming out of the room, I resolutely looked out the window and told him in a nonstop monologue, so that I couldn't see his reaction.
Frankly, I think it was something that shocked him, or at least made him feel uncomfortable. But he's a trooper, and by the time I turned around (and I made sure I gave him lots of time) he had composed himself into therapeutic neutrality.
All in all, I was sorry I hadn't mentioned it much earlier, and saved myself blowing it up into this enormous, well, elephant.
So I guess what I would do if I ever had another secret is to turn to face the window and blurt.
Posted by annierose on July 14, 2006, at 16:25:46
In reply to The elephant in my room, posted by ClearSkies on July 14, 2006, at 12:13:28
I hate that pink elephant.
When I broached a subject that I didn't want to talk about, my T would often tell me she would rather hear about WHY it was so uncomfortable bringing up the subject --- what was the interference?
Like you, I just wanted to get the topic off my chest. My heart would be pounding and I'd say, "I'd rather just blurt this out." Take a deep breath and tell her. I will tell you this, her reaction was always soothing, comforting and appropriate. I always left feeling happy to finally had said it.
I think it just takes knowing that this is their job. This is what they are trained to hear and to help you process why it's so embarassing, so shameful, etc.
I know it's not easy. I hope you try.
Posted by Racer on July 14, 2006, at 19:04:35
In reply to Re: The elephant in my room » ClearSkies, posted by annierose on July 14, 2006, at 16:25:46
I couldn't talk to my erstwhile therapist about restrictive eating, and my erstwhile pdoc had said he wanted to talk to her about it. I knew I had to do something, but I also couldn't do it in person.
So, I left a message on her voicemail, over a weekend. It worked. It was still hard, but it worked.
The other issue, I really hadn't ever admitted to anyone, and it is a very large elephant, and I am ashamed of myself over it, and still cry a lot when I think about it, and cringe and try to hide.
I was hating myself one day, really thinking I was below pond scum on the ladder of life, and I "practiced" by telling GG about it. That was probably trying to convince her I really am as horrible as I think I am -- she wasn't convinced, because she is one of the most generous people I've ever met -- but it was good practice for me. Eventually, on another day when I was trying to convince my therapist that I was pretty thoroughly hopeless, I told her about it, too.
Her reaction was hard for me to take, because it dealt with the whole, "That's not how you'd see it if it happened to someone else, is it?" thing, you know? That's a different story, though. She was supportive, and tried to help me get angry about it, although that hasn't come yet...
Anyway, if you try either of those, I'd recommend voicemail. I'd hate to think of you loathing yourself nearly as much as I had to in order to introduce my elephant.
Hope that helps.
Posted by antigua on July 14, 2006, at 20:26:15
In reply to The elephant in my room, posted by ClearSkies on July 14, 2006, at 12:13:28
There's always pen and paper. I save that for the very hardest things, and I try to make sure my T has it before our next appt so I don't have to suffer through the embarrassment of watching it read it (she sighs and gets emotional, which is too difficult for me).
I'm a blurter, too. Leave your mind while you tell her; that works for me sometimes too.
best,
antigua
Posted by LadyBug on July 15, 2006, at 1:02:08
In reply to The elephant in my room, posted by ClearSkies on July 14, 2006, at 12:13:28
Do it piece by piece, by baby steps. I like the idea to write it down first. That's a step. And when you feel like it, you could start with just one person, or one idea to get it going. I could tell my T ANYTHING, except I don't like to talk about anything to do with sex. that's just not comfortable for me with her. At least you're thinking about it, that's a start.
Keep on going, don't stop now.
LadyBug
Posted by ClearSkies on July 15, 2006, at 5:46:15
In reply to Re: The elephant in my room » ClearSkies, posted by LadyBug on July 15, 2006, at 1:02:08
I'm even afraid to write it down.
I think I will move up my appointment and see if I can approach this thing sideways. It's just too distracting for me; I am having trouble dealing with this in silence.
Thanks to all! I appreciate the great advice :-)
Posted by cecilia on July 15, 2006, at 7:31:58
In reply to Re: The elephant in my room » ClearSkies, posted by antigua on July 14, 2006, at 20:26:15
Desperate to do therapy right, I shared many elephants with my ex-T. (usually in writing). It never made me feel any better, though, and after therapy fell apart I'm left with all those elephants grown bigger and scarier. T's are taught that encouraging their clients to share their elephants will reduce shame, but for some it multiplies it. T's are taught a lot of things that aren't true. Even if they see the client falling apart before their eyes, can't be, that's not what they were taught in T school. Cecilia
Posted by ClearSkies on July 15, 2006, at 18:16:21
In reply to Re: The elephant in my room, posted by cecilia on July 15, 2006, at 7:31:58
Then who can I trust? Who can I find who will work with me on this? If I can't trust a therapist with my thoughts and feelings, what am I doing there?
CS> Desperate to do therapy right, I shared many elephants with my ex-T. (usually in writing). It never made me feel any better, though, and after therapy fell apart I'm left with all those elephants grown bigger and scarier. T's are taught that encouraging their clients to share their elephants will reduce shame, but for some it multiplies it. T's are taught a lot of things that aren't true. Even if they see the client falling apart before their eyes, can't be, that's not what they were taught in T school. Cecilia
Posted by annierose on July 15, 2006, at 19:45:15
In reply to Re: The elephant in my room » cecilia, posted by ClearSkies on July 15, 2006, at 18:16:21
I think you can trust your T. You already do.
Posted by ClearSkies on July 16, 2006, at 7:43:34
In reply to Re: The elephant in my room » ClearSkies, posted by annierose on July 15, 2006, at 19:45:15
I do feel that I can.
I am going to call and get in this week to see her and try to talk about it; at least start.Thanks, Annierose
Posted by ElaineM on July 16, 2006, at 10:35:29
In reply to Re: The elephant in my room » cecilia, posted by ClearSkies on July 15, 2006, at 18:16:21
>>>> Desperate to do therapy right, I shared many elephants with my ex-T. (usually in writing). It never made me feel any better, though, and after therapy fell apart I'm left with all those elephants grown bigger and scarier. T's are taught that encouraging their clients to share their elephants will reduce shame, but for some it multiplies it. T's are taught a lot of things that aren't true. Even if they see the client falling apart before their eyes, can't be, that's not what they were taught in T school. Cecilia
> Then who can I trust? Who can I find who will work with me on this? If I can't trust a therapist with my thoughts and feelings, what am I doing there?
> CSMy interpretation of this advice would be.....that the sole act of vocalizing something with a T, won't make you suddenly okay with an issue within yourself. That a T's ears are not necessarily a magic solution, and that the outcome of uncovering elephants is a very individual thing....
I think you can trust your T. And I think you'd be really brave to share something you feel so much shame about. My T's have always told me that SOMETIMES even the act of sharing alone, can deflate the balloon a little. When I told my doctor about my relationship with my T, it was such an incredibly unburdening experience. It didn't solve the underlying problem, it didn't make understanding or accepting my situation any easier, but it made me feel so much less alone -- like there was two carrying the weight, instead of only one. And that's something huge.
I'd hope that you could experience the same thing. And that that would give you increased strength to continue working on the issue, once it's out in the open.
Good Luck, hugs, EL
Posted by ClearSkies on July 18, 2006, at 6:56:50
In reply to The elephant in my room, posted by ClearSkies on July 14, 2006, at 12:13:28
I can't make myself call and move up my appointment. I feel silly, foolish, and ashamed.
Yesterday I burst into tears and took a 2 hour nap. Part of my problem is that I'm getting a really poor quality of sleep right now, and it's making me all torn up with high emotion.
I guess I'll be stuffing this down back into the hidey hole until I see my T.
Posted by annierose on July 18, 2006, at 7:01:55
In reply to I can't do it, posted by ClearSkies on July 18, 2006, at 6:56:50
Don't stuff it too far down because it will take too long to get it to the surface again. My T would tell me that this stuff is coming up because our unconscious minds knows why we are in therapy --- so it does a lot of the work for us in bringing up stuff. Isn't that special?
Lack of sleep makes everything worse. I hope you can get that back soon.
Just when is your appointment?
Posted by Dinah on July 18, 2006, at 8:13:49
In reply to I can't do it, posted by ClearSkies on July 18, 2006, at 6:56:50
You are a wonderful writer, Clear Skies.
My therapist sometimes tells me that when I bring in posts he "gets it" much better than when I tell him in words.
Is it possible for you to gently allow yourself to write or journal about it? Maybe not to give her initially, but later to flesh it out? You can write as much ro as little as you want, to decide how close you want to keep it. And you can destroy it later. I've shredded many a therapy writings.
Posted by ClearSkies on July 18, 2006, at 10:12:47
In reply to Re: I can't do it » ClearSkies, posted by annierose on July 18, 2006, at 7:01:55
> Just when is your appointment?July 25th. I am so mixed up about this.
sigh.
I'm going to call, this is too much drama for me to contain.
Posted by ClearSkies on July 18, 2006, at 10:13:54
In reply to Re: I can't do it » ClearSkies, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2006, at 8:13:49
> You are a wonderful writer, Clear Skies.
>
> My therapist sometimes tells me that when I bring in posts he "gets it" much better than when I tell him in words.
>
> Is it possible for you to gently allow yourself to write or journal about it? Maybe not to give her initially, but later to flesh it out? You can write as much ro as little as you want, to decide how close you want to keep it. And you can destroy it later. I've shredded many a therapy writings.
That's a good idea (and I'm blushing at the compliment!).
CS
Posted by ClearSkies on July 19, 2006, at 8:16:42
In reply to Re: I can't do it » annierose, posted by ClearSkies on July 18, 2006, at 10:12:47
>
> > Just when is your appointment?
>
> July 25th. I am so mixed up about this.
> sigh.
> I'm going to call, this is too much drama for me to contain.
>
>I called and my T is on vacation this week. I had forgotten this; she told me a few sessions ago.
Had a good cry, feel sorry for myself, and haven't been able to write anything down yet. Next Tuesday will be here before I know it. Now I'm doubting whether my angst is something to talk to her about or not. Shame runs deep, deep.
Posted by Dinah on July 19, 2006, at 8:23:14
In reply to Wouldn't you know it, posted by ClearSkies on July 19, 2006, at 8:16:42
Don't let time give you second thoughts. There is something miraculously healing about sharing the thing you find shameful and having it accepted.
Posted by ClearSkies on July 19, 2006, at 11:36:07
In reply to Re: Wouldn't you know it » ClearSkies, posted by Dinah on July 19, 2006, at 8:23:14
> Don't let time give you second thoughts. There is something miraculously healing about sharing the thing you find shameful and having it accepted.
I know. Actually, I called my T's number again and left a message that I'd like to see her sooner than Tuesday. She'll be back in her office tomorrow. I'm still flubbering around today. Really unhappy and tearful. My husband is so puzzled and sad for me... I can't even share this with the person who loves me most.
Thanks, Dinah.
Posted by annierose on July 19, 2006, at 15:48:08
In reply to Re: Wouldn't you know it » Dinah, posted by ClearSkies on July 19, 2006, at 11:36:07
I'm so sorry. My T reminded me recently it's more than okay to have that pity party. I know that feeling well. To add to my somber mood, I even play sad love songs on my i-pod --- to keep with the theme. I'm glad you left a message for an earlier appointment. I usually tell my husband, I'm feeling sad (or overwhelmed ... fill in the blank) today. Can you give me a hug? or sometimes ... I just need to be left alone. He usually responds.
Posted by cloudydaze on July 19, 2006, at 19:01:09
In reply to Re: Wouldn't you know it » ClearSkies, posted by annierose on July 19, 2006, at 15:48:08
((((Clearskies))))
good luck.
Posted by Poet on July 19, 2006, at 19:38:41
In reply to Wouldn't you know it, posted by ClearSkies on July 19, 2006, at 8:16:42
Hi Clearskies,
If you can get yourself to write it down, do you think you can snail mail it to her? With the envelope clearly marked in bold print PRIVATE. CONFIDENTIAL.
I did that. I knew if I just wrote it down and tried to give it to her in person that I would either rip it up or keep it in my pocket and cry about it later. Once I put it in the mail, I couldn't get it back.
My elephant included a disclaimer saying I probably won't talk about this, please just acknowledge you got it. It's on the long list of things that she knows not to bring up unless I do. At least that elephant isn't hiding in plain sight now.
Postage even for big elephants is still 39 cents.
Poet
Posted by ClearSkies on July 19, 2006, at 20:40:26
In reply to Re: Wouldn't you know it, posted by cloudydaze on July 19, 2006, at 19:01:09
More later guys.
Posted by ElaineM on July 20, 2006, at 18:35:47
In reply to I'm seeing her tomorrow afternoon., posted by ClearSkies on July 19, 2006, at 20:40:26
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