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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on July 11, 2006, at 23:09:55
Maybe it was just me, but I walked out of there feeling totally sucky today. Mostly, that I suck for not being able to do this right, but also just generally sucky overall.
We were talking about me feeling jealous, envious, and kinda resentful of some of the other people in the therapy group I'm in. And that I get overwhelmed with all the things I want and will never have, and am reminded of those things when i see others who have them. And I feel like a very bad person when I feel that way.
My therapist was trying to tell me that it was OK, except taht I "go to a really bad place" over it. She also said that she felt as though if there was a worst place to go on something like that, that's where I went with it. (Which also made me go into my "I am rotten" place...)
I felt as though I wasn't expressing what I meant right, but I don't know how to express it. It's a feeling of absolute futility, that I'll never have enough to satisfy me -- either because I'm so childishly insatiable, or just because I don't have the foundation to build it all upon -- and am so heartily sick of trying so very hard all the time.
Oh, yeah, and I feel very fat today.
Posted by Daisym on July 12, 2006, at 0:53:36
In reply to Dissatisfied with therapy today, posted by Racer on July 11, 2006, at 23:09:55
Sounds like a painful session and a painful place to be in.
Are you jealous of "things" or of their relationships, openness, willingness to change or any other such personality traits? Those are two very different things in my book.
I'm often envious of the things other people have...nicer cars, nicer art, nicer whatever.
But when it comes to being jealous of other people's ability to have relationships, to feel open and spontaneous and whatever else...I'm just green all over. And I hate myself for it. But if i stop a moment and really think about it, I'm not wanting to stop them from having their things, or their abilities, or whatever; I just want them too. I'm guessing this is true for you as well. And that is normal and OK.
It always feels like enough will never be. I'll always want more. I think this is the human condition and keeps us motivated to keep learning, changing and pushing through.
And I'm sorry you felt fat. You are anything but. I realize that doesn't help but I had to say it.
love and hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Jost on July 12, 2006, at 3:58:25
In reply to Re: Dissatisfied with therapy today » Racer, posted by Daisym on July 12, 2006, at 0:53:36
Feeling depleted is hard-- losing the memory of all the things you do have and are--.
Whether it's stuff or personal characteristics, or recognition from other people, or life chances-- seeing how much other people have of whatever --is one of those things--- makes you feel more alone, helps you forget that everyone else wants so much that they don't have, too. There's always someone who's got more of whatever it is--with less effort== in fact, more of lots of things.
I went through a really bad period after graduate school, when I realized that I'd never get a job because I couldn't keep it together to go through the application/interview process. I partly wanted to change professions, but then I'd be starting from absolutely nowhere with no particular prospects if I did. And there were so many people who had jobs, income, respect, were rewarded for their work, etcetcetc. And I'd put a lot of myself into the whole gradschool/ academic thing.
Plus my parents had stood in the way of my developing these other skills when I asked for lessons as a kid-- even though they knew (they later said) that I had a special rightness in doing it and even was good at it. You look at kids whose parents go so far to help them pursue aspirations, and mine would only have had to give minimal support--
It's taken a long time to get over that-- somewhat-- to realize that just having the chance to do what I want-- even if with all the "buts"-- makes me lucky.
I don't know what makes it better for you, now. Maybe nothing willl but time and the working through of all that you're in the middle of.
Sometimes you have to accept the hardness-- and try to remember that you have something too.
Plus, I bet you aren't fat. Are you, really? And maybe you look good when you're what you consider overweight. Lots of people do, you know?
Jost
Posted by ElaineM on July 12, 2006, at 22:16:14
In reply to Dissatisfied with therapy today, posted by Racer on July 11, 2006, at 23:09:55
Racer: I think jealousy and envy and resentment are tough emotions. And often, feeling them seems to suggest the need for some sort of self-critisism, or punishment. I tend to feel guilty when I wish I could have someone else's life, or character traits, or intellect, or health. I don't think I'm bad for wanting. I don't think you are either. Now I try to think of resentment as regret, and envy as longing -- which may make me (or you) an unhappy person, but definately not a rotten one. (not sure if that makes sense. it did in my kookie head though)
I often feel "fat" too, when I find myself wanting -- whether it's food, or affection, or praise... I suppose that's the ED way of chastizing yourself for presuming you're worthy of all the things your heart needs.
I'm sorry it feels like everything is such a struggle. Don't have any practical advice. It's so maddening when you feel as though it takes you a marathon's-worth of effort to do what others do in the blink of an eye -- especially the "simple" daily things -- Sometimes (though I'd never wish them misfortune), witnessing others "happy" is just really painful.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
take care, EL
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