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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 10:02:01
well it seems like everyone had a cr@ppy day yesterday. i'm going to just add to that. i had session and everything after just got worse. my anxiety has been at a stable 7-8, non stop, nausea and all (on top of normal nausea). can't eat anything, terrible sleep last night.
we didn't talk about 'mother' and Thank GOD for that. there's just no way i can handle that right now. but we talked a little more about the SA's in high school. and how i know the second time it was a SA, because forced oral sex isn't considered r@pe, and the first time since i froze and have SO many 'what if's' that i told her i just don't see it as r@pe, and basically a big screwup on my part. we talked a little more about it but i really pushed the subject aside-stating if it had happened to someone else i would see it as such but not me...etc. (being very stubborn like i am). well, she kind of left it alone and tried to pull me out of it since she noticed i was going down hill in session. (which btw onyl last a STUPID 45 minutes!!) how's that enough time for me? it's not and yesterday proved it.
now ALL i can think about is finding out how she 'classified' what happened. i'm TOTALLY obsessed about it. and i think because the last two T's i did tell were both male and without me even asking they called it r@pe. well, in my life the most critical and uncaring persons have been female, so i really want to know a female perspective, i've got anger inside about it. i'm almost daring her to tell me it was nothing, that's what i expect. but truthfully (to you all) i'm dying inside i will just fall apart if she really says that 'it was whatever it felt like to me" meaning it wasn't really r@pe just my blown up exaggeration that made it so.
i know i've discussed what happened with you all and i think the consensus here was r@pe. but i guess i'm just waiting for that 'mother' figure to say, no it wasn't, you asked for it, you got yourself in that situation, it's your stupid mistake and NOW you need to just live with the consequences!"i've been SO filled with anxiety i called her (T) first thing this morning and told her i really needed to talk with her for a couple minutes when she could give me a call. i'm still waiting and every minute seems like an hour. i know she probably won't want to give me an answer over the phone but i can't afford another session this week and it is INHUMAN to make me wait until next week!
i need an answer over the phone, now! does she think it was or wasn't? that's all i need to know. it's not like she's going to give me an answer i haven't heard before, or haven't run over in my mind a million times. i just want HER take on it.uuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
i'm going to explode!
baby's probably running a marathon inside with all this anxiety!i'll post when i hear from her.
i know what i want to hear now, and i'm scared to death i won't hear it. i think that's why i didn't want her to call it anything the other day. i was flat out afraid she would say it wasn't anything, so instead i just stopped her from saying anything.
stupid stuipd stupidb2c
Posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 11:17:20
In reply to ANXIETY about session yesterday *SA-trigger*, posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 10:02:01
i Still haven't heard from her. i called her at 8:00, it's now 11:30.
ok. i know this sounds unreasonable, i know it's not really that long...but COME ON!!
i'm edging out of my skin...why do i make things SOOOOO much worse...WHY DO I OBSESS like this?!
i NEVER call my T. now that i do i just want a call back...PLEEEEEEEEEEASE.
Posted by muffled on June 22, 2006, at 11:35:08
In reply to edging to panic, not quite a hissy..., posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 11:17:20
Chica, call her again.
But please consider that what she says just doesn't matter.
It WAS rape.
There is no other better word for it.
Also, batten down the hatches.
Pregnancy can be very emotional at the best of times....
Please take special care of yourself and the little one.
Yeah, those dam hormones, they can really screw you up.
You need to take EXTRA special care of yourself, cuz it may not be so easy.
You'll be more tired too.
And that don't help.
But it helps to be aware of these things, and to know you not alone. Us Moms at the school make jokes bout 'don't mess w/a pregnant lady!!!!'
And its based on the reality that pregnant women can be a tad irrational. Them hormones is POWERFUL.
Its the same w/menopause. Sigh... not easy being female!
But there's many rewards...like babies!!!
Take care,
muffled
Posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 11:51:13
In reply to Re: edging to panic, not quite a hissy... » B2chica, posted by muffled on June 22, 2006, at 11:35:08
THANKS (((((((muffy)))))))))
your comments actually eased my anxiety a little. and i'm getting more frustrated that she isn't calling, but maybe my obsessing about the topic is switching to just having her call me back. afterall, maybe it is better discussed during session? i just didn't think i could make it all weekend feeling this way. but maybe it will get better.and Yes i'm slowly understanding why they say
dont mess with preg. lady"! LOL it's TRUE.lots of hugs
b2c.
Posted by Tamar on June 22, 2006, at 11:53:41
In reply to ANXIETY about session yesterday *SA-trigger*, posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 10:02:01
I’m sorry if I’m being dense here, but I’m not sure what exactly you’re afraid of hearing. Are you afraid that she will say it was sexual assault but not rape? Or are you afraid she will say that it wasn’t either?
As far as definitions go, some people use the term ‘oral rape’ for forced oral sex. That makes sense to me because forced oral sex is every bit as penetrative as forced vaginal sex. And, having experienced both, I’d say it’s every bit as distressing.
I think you’ve got great insight into why you’re afraid of your therapist’s view of it. I hope she calls soon.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 22, 2006, at 12:00:05
In reply to Re: ANXIETY about session yesterday *SA-trigger* » B2chica, posted by Tamar on June 22, 2006, at 11:53:41
I can't really add anything to Tamar's post. I agree with her.
I just wanted to send you hugs and let you know I'm thinking about you. I hope she calls soon.
gg
Posted by orchid on June 22, 2006, at 12:13:18
In reply to ANXIETY about session yesterday *SA-trigger*, posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 10:02:01
> well it seems like everyone had a cr@ppy day yesterday. i'm going to just add to that. i had session and everything after just got worse. my anxiety has been at a stable 7-8, non stop, nausea and all (on top of normal nausea). can't eat anything, terrible sleep last night.
> we didn't talk about 'mother' and Thank GOD for that. there's just no way i can handle that right now. but we talked a little more about the SA's in high school. and how i know the second time it was a SA, because forced oral sex isn't considered r@pe, and the first time since i froze and have SO many 'what if's' that i told her i just don't see it as r@pe, and basically a big screwup on my part. we talked a little more about it but i really pushed the subject aside-stating if it had happened to someone else i would see it as such but not me...etc. (being very stubborn like i am). well, she kind of left it alone and tried to pull me out of it since she noticed i was going down hill in session. (which btw onyl last a STUPID 45 minutes!!) how's that enough time for me? it's not and yesterday proved it.
> now ALL i can think about is finding out how she 'classified' what happened. i'm TOTALLY obsessed about it. and i think because the last two T's i did tell were both male and without me even asking they called it r@pe. well, in my life the most critical and uncaring persons have been female, so i really want to know a female perspective, i've got anger inside about it. i'm almost daring her to tell me it was nothing, that's what i expect. but truthfully (to you all) i'm dying inside i will just fall apart if she really says that 'it was whatever it felt like to me" meaning it wasn't really r@pe just my blown up exaggeration that made it so.
> i know i've discussed what happened with you all and i think the consensus here was r@pe. but i guess i'm just waiting for that 'mother' figure to say, no it wasn't, you asked for it, you got yourself in that situation, it's your stupid mistake and NOW you need to just live with the consequences!"
>
> i've been SO filled with anxiety i called her (T) first thing this morning and told her i really needed to talk with her for a couple minutes when she could give me a call. i'm still waiting and every minute seems like an hour. i know she probably won't want to give me an answer over the phone but i can't afford another session this week and it is INHUMAN to make me wait until next week!
> i need an answer over the phone, now! does she think it was or wasn't? that's all i need to know. it's not like she's going to give me an answer i haven't heard before, or haven't run over in my mind a million times. i just want HER take on it.
>
> uuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
> i'm going to explode!
> baby's probably running a marathon inside with all this anxiety!
>
> i'll post when i hear from her.
> i know what i want to hear now, and i'm scared to death i won't hear it. i think that's why i didn't want her to call it anything the other day. i was flat out afraid she would say it wasn't anything, so instead i just stopped her from saying anything.
> stupid stuipd stupid
>
> b2c
Hi B2C,I really think you should not get into triggering issues during pregnancy. It just creates havoc for the child inside. Mom's emotions during pregnancy play a huge role in shaping up the child - (atleast from my country's cultural sayings and religious quotations), and I really don't want you to feel triggered or panic ed or painful during this time.
I am surprised that your T is trying to look at even these things during this time. I feel you should save all this for much later, and now just do a very superficial and probably spaced out therapy and keep yourself happy. You were doing much better couple of weeks back, and I hate to see you becoming emotional during this time.
If I were you, I would want my T only to talk about things like how the pregnancy is going etc during this time, and I would not even touch any deeper issue. In fact, I even feel it would be better for the child if you don't read babble tooo much. Read some nice and funny baby message boards, and take a break from babble. OR come to babble only when you need help, and don't read the threads here. IT is so important to your baby's health that you be happy and devoid of any negative thoughts or feelings.
My 2 cents.
Posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 12:25:12
In reply to Re: ANXIETY about session yesterday *SA-trigger* » B2chica, posted by Tamar on June 22, 2006, at 11:53:41
no, your not being dense at all.
i guess that yes, i'm afraid not only will she say that what happened wasn't r@pe but that it wasn't even an assault.
and i was told that forced oral sex isn't considered r@pe 'legally'. but yesterday online i read that it is considered sexual assault and someone could actually be arrested for it. so i'm still a little confused on that issue. but i feel like i at least tried to fight the second time (oral) so that is closer to r@pe then the first time when i froze.thank you for your kind words. and i'm sorry you understand so well.
b2c
Posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 12:30:32
In reply to I really think pregnancy isn't the time to do this » B2chica, posted by orchid on June 22, 2006, at 12:13:18
thanks orchid. i also was planning to steer clear of 'triggering' issues during my pregnancy. but i really feel like she needed to know about the SA inorder to understand some of why certain pregnancy issues are triggering to me. and i thought (honestly) that i was kinda done with that issue and i didn't think i would get as worked up about it as i am.
and i agree in that i don't think all this anxiety is good for baby. so i'm doing all that i can to not get so worked up. (deep breathing, etc.) and believe me, i am NOT getting into any of the other 'older' issues.
and i just can't bare to leave babble right now. i feel just really supported here and with my pdoc leaving. well, i am mostly staying away from trigger posts (except those from yesterday) but overall i am trying to decrease my stress.thank you for caring.
b2c
Posted by pegasus on June 22, 2006, at 13:02:37
In reply to I really think pregnancy isn't the time to do this » B2chica, posted by orchid on June 22, 2006, at 12:13:18
You know, I don't necessarily agree with this. Orchid, I know you are saying it from a beautifully caring place. And yes, the mother's emotions do get translated in some form to the child. And it would be great if all pregnant women could be in a state of bliss throughout their pregnancy without repressing any big issues. But in the real world, there sometimes are issues that come up, and we can't always control when. My experience was that some issues came up *because* I was pregnant, and it was really helpful to deal with them to some extent before the baby came, so they didn't get in the way of my mothering. Even though that definitely stirred up a lot of pain during my pregnancy.
Being a mom is so challenging, and we bring to it all of the stuff that we bring to every effort in our lives, good and bad. Kids are emotionally connected to their moms throughout their childhoods. You can't repress all important issues until the kids are grown up, without sacrificing your own mental health. If you try, things are going to pop out in unexpected and unintended ways. And maybe in some ways, being ok with feeling our feelings, even extreme ones, can be good mothering.
Peg
Posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 13:46:45
In reply to ANXIETY about session yesterday *SA-trigger*, posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 10:02:01
i just heard from her. i was really to the point. told her that i understand normally we'd talk about this is session but that i really would like a response if she can...i asked her how she would describe it...
she told me date/acquaintance r@pe....
i then told her why it was important, that i've made it so minor in my head for so long i was really expecting that others would too. that i know it's most important how i see it, not others.(thnx babblers) but it was nonetheless important. that the other two T's i told were male and i was concerned that maybe they were trying to be PC or something. that i really wanted her Honest opinion with no prompts.
she was very nice, and told me what she thought and why.
i mostly then explained about all the anxiety and how it got out of control and i coudn't deal without my lovely xanax now.
we're going to talk a little more next wed session.THANK YOU ALL SO VERY VERY MUCH for your patience and kind words during my spazz out.
i feel better already.you all are wonderful.
(((((((((hugs to all)))))))))))b2c.
Posted by antigua on June 22, 2006, at 16:10:14
In reply to Re: I really think pregnancy isn't the time to do, posted by pegasus on June 22, 2006, at 13:02:37
I agree. For me, pregnancy was a very triggering time and I did some good work then. It's funny, and I'm not sure I believed my T until I saw it happen, but as my children grow (especially my daughter), I'm triggered by things that happened when I was the age she is now.
But then I have a whole other "pregnancy" issue which has to do with filling the emptiness inside, etc. I do support the idea of being as restful as possible, but sometimes that just isn't possible w/all those hormones swirling around!
antigua
This is the end of the thread.
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