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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by All Done on June 19, 2006, at 15:52:54
It feels like it’s taken me forever, but I finally asked my T if he has a policy about hugging his clients. Before I told him what I wanted to talk about or ask him, I told him I thought this was so hard for me because I didn’t think I wanted to hear either answer. One answer would feel like a rejection (even if he was talking about his clients, collectively). The other answer…well, ironically enough, that’s the answer I’m afraid of.
Getting the question out was one of the hardest things I’ve ever asked or said. Maybe, second only to telling him I love him. But I asked and he promised me he would give me a direct answer, but he wanted to talk about it first. I expected that and was more than ready to talk. We focused mainly on why I’m afraid of hugging him and what it would mean to get a “good” hug. I’m amazed at how complicated this is for me. I don’t even really know how to organize this post.
In a nutshell, I think I’m most afraid of getting a “good” hug. I might just want more and more. Where does the neediness end? But it would provide comfort, security, and acceptance. But what if it isn’t what I hope fore? What if it is? I said, “I think I might fall to pieces, but at least you would be holding me together.”
I think we talked about a half an hour before he told me that, when a client initiates a hug, he will hug back. But, whenever possible, he wants to talk about it beforehand and, if necessary, afterwards. At least we don’t have to worry about that last part with me. I figure I’ll do enough talking for twice the number of clients he has.
He brought up the need for touch – especially in an infant with the mother and father. He also talked about a seminar he attended where he heard Allan Schore ("Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self: The Neurobiology of Emotional Development") speak. I wish I could remember exactly what he said about our brains and nerves and visceral needs. It was interesting but too technical for my brain at that point in time. He assured me that my longing is normal and okay, though.
Anyway, I explained to him that all week, I had been having these moments of feeling intensely needy and wanting a hug from him. I was on the verge of tears all week, but I couldn’t pinpoint exactly when or why this was happening. I just felt like all I needed was a hug and everything would be okay. That said I’m glad he gave me the answer he did and that I can just sit with it. I’m not sure for how long. Eventually, I’ll ask for a hug, but I’m not ready for it, yet. It feels too overwhelming. At least now, I don’t have to worry about his answer.
Laurie
Posted by bent on June 19, 2006, at 16:17:22
In reply to I asked about my T's hug policy, posted by All Done on June 19, 2006, at 15:52:54
I admire you for this. Sometimes I so badly want a hug from my T but we have never even talked about it. I know its because I am afraid of her saying no. What you did though, gives me ideas for ways of approaching it with my T. I hope you let us know what its like when you decide you want that hug!
Posted by fallsfall on June 19, 2006, at 17:28:37
In reply to I asked about my T's hug policy, posted by All Done on June 19, 2006, at 15:52:54
Good for you, Alldone!
And talking about it helps you to understand you, and helps him to understand you. This is good!
I'm proud of you for having the courage to talk about this.
Posted by caraher on June 19, 2006, at 18:03:15
In reply to I asked about my T's hug policy, posted by All Done on June 19, 2006, at 15:52:54
Wow, Laurie, that was brave of you!
I almost think therapists should hand out flyers to their clients detailing their policies on such matters. But perhaps that's a bad idea; perhaps there is therapeutic value in letting each person who needs to discuss it muster the gumption to bring it up as you did.
I never had this discussion with my T, probably because it wasn't something I felt as intensely as you do. But there were definitely sessions when I wished for a hug. And the last time I saw her she asked *me* for a hug!
I hope this was a big weight off your shoulders and that you find the support you need.
Posted by Tamar on June 19, 2006, at 18:21:17
In reply to I asked about my T's hug policy, posted by All Done on June 19, 2006, at 15:52:54
You are an inspiration. I wish I had half your courage.
Well done you. And I'm glad he gave the answer he gave, because that's what I would have wanted to hear. It sounds like just the right thing, eh? A hug if you want and need it, but carefully discussed... Ahhh. Perfect.
Posted by annierose on June 19, 2006, at 19:59:07
In reply to Re: I asked about my T's hug policy » All Done, posted by Tamar on June 19, 2006, at 18:21:17
I think your T handled your questions perfectly, as well as you did asking them. I'm so proud of you. It's reassuring to know that if you give a hug, he'll receive it.
I'm so glad you had this discussion. It took a ton of courage and then some. I'm so proud of you.
Although you still have that lingering feeling of wanting a hug, at least his policy is out there and you know his boundaries. Well done all done!!
Posted by TofuEmmy on June 19, 2006, at 20:50:23
In reply to I asked about my T's hug policy, posted by All Done on June 19, 2006, at 15:52:54
If my T were dangling off a cliff about to meet his Maker, and the only way to save his life would be to reach out and TOUCH me....well, you fill in the blank. Not even if I had a ten-foot pole would he attmept to save himself. Oh, who needs him anyway, big goober.
HUGS from ME ME ME! emmy
Posted by happyflower on June 19, 2006, at 21:17:40
In reply to I asked about my T's hug policy, posted by All Done on June 19, 2006, at 15:52:54
You are a brave one All Done! That took lots of guts to ask him that. What is really great is that you CAN have a hug from him! :-) Some of us aren't so lucky. I might get one at termination, but most T's do not hug, so you are lucky!
Posted by Dinah on June 19, 2006, at 22:53:17
In reply to I asked about my T's hug policy, posted by All Done on June 19, 2006, at 15:52:54
Good for you!
I did the same thing. I think I did it even before I wanted a hug, just because I was curious about his boundaries. And then I moved up to a handshake, which my therapist treated with suitable gravity. And he understood my reasons for asking for one. And I think he's given me a couple of hugs in the last couple of years. As you know, they weren't anything memorable.
But I remember my cousin's big hug at my father's funeral. It broke down my barriers and let me sob. So I understand that touch can be important at times. I can also understand why it could be scary.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 19, 2006, at 23:57:36
In reply to Re: I asked about my T's hug policy » All Done, posted by Dinah on June 19, 2006, at 22:53:17
Way cool, Lala. Way cool!
gg
Posted by Daisym on June 20, 2006, at 0:54:13
In reply to Re: I asked about my T's hug policy, posted by gardenergirl on June 19, 2006, at 23:57:36
The need for touch, the need for closeness and reassurance...these needs are so primitive and so painful. I think there is a tremendous push/pull and it is all so scary. I'm jealous as h*ll that he said yes, but I'm glad for you.
And yet, I would be anxious about it too. I would wonder, as you posted, will it be enough? What if it feels awkward instead of soothing? What if I liked it too much? But I'm not a touchy, huggy person, so I worry about these things. It is weird, to want to be held and yet to hate being touched.
You are working so hard and so deep. Take care of yourself.
Posted by All Done on June 22, 2006, at 13:47:57
In reply to Re: I asked about my T's hug policy, posted by Daisym on June 20, 2006, at 0:54:13
Your responses are all so nice.
I *think* even if he would have answered that he does not hug, he made the atmosphere one where it wouldn't hurt too much to hear it. I would have been sad, but I don't think the feeling of rejection that I worried about would have been so intense. (I *think*.)
Yesterday, we were talking about all the different offices I've seen him in. He was kind of referring to how long it's been and that we've seen a lot of different places together. I brought up the fact that at two of the offices, he shook my hand, and at another one, he put his hand on my back as I was leaving. They were all pretty difficult sessions. He seemed surprised that I remembered and brought it up. Sometimes, I get the feeling that just maybe my therapy isn't as cookie-cutter as I sometimes believe. I mostly tend to think I'm nothing different or special to him even when he tells me otherwise.
Anyway, I digress.
I really appreciate all of your support. Without this board and its posters, I wouldn't have the relationship with my T that I do. And it's a good one that I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on.
Take care everyone,
Laurie
Posted by abe123 on June 24, 2006, at 0:30:02
In reply to I asked about my T's hug policy, posted by All Done on June 19, 2006, at 15:52:54
This is ironic, because my psychology prof. (also a clinical therapist) was talking about this very issue today in class. He told us about this client he had who hugged him as she was leaving their third appointment, just out of the blue, and he accepted it but told her after she pulled away: "This was inappropriate. The next time you're here we'll spend the session talking about when and with whom things like this are appropriate."
They went on to spend several sessions talking about her social skills and probing why she felt the need to hug him. They came to the decision that it was "childhood regression" and that she was making pretend that he was her father (her father abused her when she was young). I think that's just silly. A hug is a hug is a show of affection.
He didn't mention this to us in class, but I imagine the implications of a female hugging a male authority figure are ambiguously sexual.I'm sure every T has a different "hug policy" and it was wise that you asked him first.
This is the end of the thread.
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