Posted by All Done on June 19, 2006, at 15:52:54
It feels like it’s taken me forever, but I finally asked my T if he has a policy about hugging his clients. Before I told him what I wanted to talk about or ask him, I told him I thought this was so hard for me because I didn’t think I wanted to hear either answer. One answer would feel like a rejection (even if he was talking about his clients, collectively). The other answer…well, ironically enough, that’s the answer I’m afraid of.
Getting the question out was one of the hardest things I’ve ever asked or said. Maybe, second only to telling him I love him. But I asked and he promised me he would give me a direct answer, but he wanted to talk about it first. I expected that and was more than ready to talk. We focused mainly on why I’m afraid of hugging him and what it would mean to get a “good” hug. I’m amazed at how complicated this is for me. I don’t even really know how to organize this post.
In a nutshell, I think I’m most afraid of getting a “good” hug. I might just want more and more. Where does the neediness end? But it would provide comfort, security, and acceptance. But what if it isn’t what I hope fore? What if it is? I said, “I think I might fall to pieces, but at least you would be holding me together.”
I think we talked about a half an hour before he told me that, when a client initiates a hug, he will hug back. But, whenever possible, he wants to talk about it beforehand and, if necessary, afterwards. At least we don’t have to worry about that last part with me. I figure I’ll do enough talking for twice the number of clients he has.
He brought up the need for touch – especially in an infant with the mother and father. He also talked about a seminar he attended where he heard Allan Schore ("Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self: The Neurobiology of Emotional Development") speak. I wish I could remember exactly what he said about our brains and nerves and visceral needs. It was interesting but too technical for my brain at that point in time. He assured me that my longing is normal and okay, though.
Anyway, I explained to him that all week, I had been having these moments of feeling intensely needy and wanting a hug from him. I was on the verge of tears all week, but I couldn’t pinpoint exactly when or why this was happening. I just felt like all I needed was a hug and everything would be okay. That said I’m glad he gave me the answer he did and that I can just sit with it. I’m not sure for how long. Eventually, I’ll ask for a hug, but I’m not ready for it, yet. It feels too overwhelming. At least now, I don’t have to worry about his answer.
Laurie
poster:All Done
thread:658771
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/658771.html