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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tamar on June 6, 2006, at 17:08:47
I’m too depressed to think about it. I know I need to think about it because we need to talk some more about his forgetting my ‘anniversary’, and how that affects our work together, but I don’t feel as if there’s any point. It won’t change anything. He’ll always be very distant, and I’ll always feel too uncomfortable with his distance to open up.
Yeah yeah, I know my post on Relationships doesn’t sound like someone in the grip of depression. But after that moment of light relief it all got heavy again.
I’m submerged in a sea of father stuff. And it’s making things very hard for me because the stuff I want to talk about is stuff I can’t talk about when I’m feeling all that father stuff. My therapist’s distance and forgetting and boundary-making is so very reminiscent of my father when I was a teenager. But it’s not the stuff I want to deal with now, for two reasons: 1) I’m more concerned about my self-harming which is only tangentially related to the father stuff; and 2) getting into the father stuff will take far too long; I don’t have the opportunity to see my therapist for years on end.
I don’t have enough of a handle on the father stuff yet. But I have a reasonably good understanding of the self harm, and I really want to work on it. I don’t think I’m entirely avoiding the father stuff, because I have been spending some time working on it, but I’m still a long way from having any significant insights.
I want Mr Safety back. I want to sit opposite my therapist and be able to imagine talking to him openly, and hearing him respond with all the right things. In my imagination he can say things that would be too risky to say in real life therapy, but imagining it used to help. And now it’s impossible because he’s so distant.
He has said to me over and over again, “You don’t know anything about me,” and “Perhaps you think I don’t care.” And those aren’t the things that distress me. I don’t expect to chat about politics and art with him; that wouldn’t be therapy and I really *do* want therapy. And it feels to me as if he cares. But I can’t help thinking I’m giving him the ‘wrong’ responses and that’s why he keeps returning to those things. I feel as if I’m not getting it right and I keep thinking he can’t possibly want to work with me.
Meanwhile I want reassurance and I want to be understood and it feels to me as if reassurance isn’t something I can legitimately expect from him. I don’t even know how to talk about it with him. I don’t know how to talk about anything with him. It’s all about the despair at the moment.
And after having written all this I’m quite sure I’m wrong about all of it. What’s the point?
Posted by rubenstein on June 6, 2006, at 17:38:29
In reply to Therapy tomorrow morning (TRIGGER), posted by Tamar on June 6, 2006, at 17:08:47
I have trouble with self-harm and wanting to please my therapist, wanting to say the "right thing" and I definetly have a father complex with him. It is so hard but I hope you can talk to him about your fears, maybe just bringing some of those things out in the open will help. I will be thinking of you. Sorry I couldn't offer much help
rachel
Posted by orchid on June 6, 2006, at 17:40:55
In reply to Therapy tomorrow morning (TRIGGER), posted by Tamar on June 6, 2006, at 17:08:47
A part of me really cannot help but think "Oh, how much better she would be with a better T, one who could really understand and help her - she has all this gifts and her T isn't doing her justice". But, and that is a BIG but, I know it is your choice and it is not an easy one to make, and I know you like your T. Instead of all this struggling to get this relationship straight, you could use all this time and effort and money in getting better if you have a very good T.
I do not doubt your ability to convey what you feel. So it must be that your T is not understanding you at all, in spite of your repeated attempts to convey exactly what you feel. I don't know why he isn't able to do it, but apparently, he isn't able to understand you fully, even though your words are crystal clear. I mean, how difficult could it be to really hear what you are saying and change his style to work with you, instead of being distant and enforcing boundaries, and telling you you don't know anything about his life. I mean, how does that help at all? How hard is it to be understanding and empathetic and affectionate and at the same time keep the boundaries intact, and help you? It doesn't sound difficult at all to me, especially with a client like you.
I am sorry, I find it so unacceptable that he is not able to help you enough. I am just venting on your behalf.
Posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 18:39:19
In reply to Therapy tomorrow morning (TRIGGER), posted by Tamar on June 6, 2006, at 17:08:47
Tamar, it makes me so angry on your behalf, because I can't help thinking that part of the problem is the system and the pressure for short term cognitively based therapy in your area.
I wish I had something useful to say, but I wanted you to know how much I empathize with your situation and how much I care about you personally.
Posted by muffled on June 6, 2006, at 21:06:28
In reply to Therapy tomorrow morning (TRIGGER), posted by Tamar on June 6, 2006, at 17:08:47
Well I dunno Tamar, I must drive my T crazy cuz she tells me over and over and over and over etc, that she cares bout me. But I mostly just can't beleive it. I do sometimes for awhile, but then the feeling goes away and I can't possibly imagine why she puts up with me.
I can get quite frantic and stupid about it.
I feel stupid later, but at the time it seems so real and so important.
I dunno.
Sometimes I think if you calm all the crap in your brain, that'll help the SI. Cuz thats where it comes from.
I dunno.
Please take care.
Take care,
Muffy
Posted by Tamar on June 7, 2006, at 4:40:51
In reply to Therapy tomorrow morning (TRIGGER), posted by Tamar on June 6, 2006, at 17:08:47
I arrived on time for my appointment. His car wasn’t there, but he’s often a few minutes late so I didn’t worry about it. I told the receptionist I was there to see him. She asked me to sit in the waiting area. I waited for about ten minutes and then the receptionist came over and told me my therapist had been held up but that he was on his way. I said that was fine. About twenty minutes after my appointment time he came into the building and apologised. So we started working together about five minutes after that.
And he said, “I apologise for being late. You know, I didn’t have my diary with me last week and I forgot to write your appointment into it.”
I actually laughed. I told him, “Well, now I need access to your unconscious.” I’d been thinking last night: He didn’t have his diary with him last week. What if he forgot to write my appointment in it? What if he made an appointment without someone else and we have to toss a coin or something?” So I told him I’d thought those things but I hadn’t seriously thought he would forget.
And then I felt like crying but somehow I managed not to. And we talked it through and he admitted he’s damaged our relationship. But we both agreed that we want to repair it. I told him I felt very alone; I felt as if my suffering is meaningless and no one else cares about it (even though I know that people do care very much). I told him I felt very hopeless and I wasn’t sure it was worth continuing, but that I always find some way to get up and keep going.
He asked me what I thought it would take to begin to make things better. I told him I didn’t know; he’d asked me the same thing last week and I’d thought about it but could only come up with facetious and silly answers and couldn’t think of anything realistic. (I wonder if he would hug me... Nah. Unlikely.)
It was a hard session.
But the funny thing is I actually feel a little bit better at the moment because I’m certain now that there’s something going on with him. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know if it has anything to do with me, but I’m pretty sure he won’t be able to pretend to himself that nothing is wrong. So I’m hoping that this will make him deal with it in some way or other. I guess in the meantime we have some hard work ahead of us.
Sigh.
Posted by annierose on June 7, 2006, at 6:30:41
In reply to You won’t believe this!!!!!, posted by Tamar on June 7, 2006, at 4:40:51
That is such a painful therapy moment, and one that I continually fear will happen. It would have been more than okay to let him see your tears. Now he has forgotten two important items. I'm glad he has admitted to his errors and hopefully he'll work like heck to repair his end of the relationship.
I felt similar when I realized my regular therapy appointment time was given to another client. I sat in silence for several weeks, and she told me "I'm wondering how I can get the love back into this room." Then I knew she understood how I felt.
Posted by Tamar on June 7, 2006, at 10:59:28
In reply to Re: You won’t believe this!!!!! » Tamar, posted by annierose on June 7, 2006, at 6:30:41
> That is such a painful therapy moment, and one that I continually fear will happen. It would have been more than okay to let him see your tears. Now he has forgotten two important items. I'm glad he has admitted to his errors and hopefully he'll work like heck to repair his end of the relationship.
I hope so too. I think he will. But it's hard to believe he will remember to do it.
> I felt similar when I realized my regular therapy appointment time was given to another client. I sat in silence for several weeks, and she told me "I'm wondering how I can get the love back into this room." Then I knew she understood how I felt.
I can imagine that giving your appointment time to another client would hurt like hell. I'm glad she was able to understand that.
Yes! Absolutely. I want the love back in the room. If my therapist said something like that to me I guess I'd feel a bit better about it. But I can't imagine him saying the L-word in the context of our therapy. Oh, I'm so bitter...
Posted by orchid on June 7, 2006, at 12:45:54
In reply to You won’t believe this!!!!!, posted by Tamar on June 7, 2006, at 4:40:51
That must have felt awful. I can understand how you must have felt. I would have been devastated if my T forgot about my appt.
But maybe there is something preoccupying his mind these days - some personal problem or something in his life, which is making him less than his usual self. But I hope he understands the pain his forgetfullness has caused you so far, and can make some efforts to repair it.
Posted by fairywings on June 8, 2006, at 2:30:20
In reply to You won’t believe this!!!!!, posted by Tamar on June 7, 2006, at 4:40:51
My T forgot our appt one evening...it really threw me, but fortunately he hadn't scheduled someone else in the time slot, but he wasn't as prepared as he usually is, and we didn't accomplish as much.
I hope you can repair the relationship, and I hope you're feeling better than yesterday.
fw
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