Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 648797

Shown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

**Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me

Posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 9:50:59

I just wrote this somewhere else, but I thought I would put it here, too.

I think I remembered what totally cracked my ego. What made me fragment.

I discovered that I had (it is possible it is over) an ego state disorder. I had separate versions of me. More than just me and my inner child. I had two others.

Each one was distinct in all respects, as personalities. Sure, they were all me, but each passed time distinct from the others. Each had its own memories. Its own vocabularies. Yet shared in the core traits that make me me.

Triggers.....

My mother was my perpetrator. I was her accessory. My job was to experience her rage at my alcoholic father.

I lived in a binary world. There were two states. Rage, or not. Life was okay, or not. I didn't have any flavours of other emotions. I had to learn those all, later on.

I tried to figure out the Rules. I tried to figure out how I could avoid that rage. But it wasn't about me. It never was. It didn't matter what the Rules were, because there weren't any. That's what cracked me.

I cannot tell you how many times I heard this phrase, "What are you crying for? I'll give you something to cry for!"

I don't think I have to explain what happened then.

I was supposed to endure that, while stopping crying. She'd hit me until I stopped crying. That's what would end it.

One time, she hit me really hard, right out of the blue. And I was shocked, but didn't cry. So she hit me again. I didn't cry. So she wailed me. I still didn't cry. And she said, "Why aren't you crying?" As if, this time, the Rules weren't the Rules. And I snapped.

I'm remembering all kinds of things now. And it's okay. Humpty Dumpty didn't have the right kind of help. That's why they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.

Lar

 

Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me » Larry Hoover

Posted by shasling on May 26, 2006, at 10:53:12

In reply to **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me, posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 9:50:59

Goog grief, Lar. I don't have anything constructive to add, really, just wanted to say that's bullsh*t, nobody should have to deal with that and I feel compassionate for you that you did. I'm sorry that was your lot. You seem like a VERY decent guy who is always ready to constructively support others and I hate the thought of you little Lar having to live such a dangerous, destructive, looking-glass existence. I wish you continued strength and healing.

 

Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me » Larry Hoover

Posted by canadagirl on May 26, 2006, at 11:24:11

In reply to **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me, posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 9:50:59

That is a sad, sad story. And I am so sorry you had to endure that. You did not deserve any of that crap, no one does. My heart goes out to you in a big way.

 

((hug)) (nm) » Larry Hoover

Posted by curtm on May 26, 2006, at 11:35:15

In reply to **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me, posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 9:50:59

 

Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me

Posted by antigua on May 26, 2006, at 11:42:22

In reply to **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me, posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 9:50:59

It is so great when you figure these things out. Sometimes they hurt like the devil, but once you recognize where they come from...
I am so happy for you. You've really opened up the doors to your self.
best,
antigua

 

Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked

Posted by B2chica on May 26, 2006, at 12:20:39

In reply to **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me, posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 9:50:59

your journey has been a long and hard one Lar.
i don't know what to say. but that i admire your undying strength. and to discover this is tantamount to your recovery.
it gives me courage to continue this psychological journey that i like to stuff down.
i'm so sorry you've had to endure such horror.
but i'm so glad you are here. and i am better for just knowing you.
((((((((((Lar))))))))))))

b2c

 

Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me

Posted by susan47 on May 26, 2006, at 12:24:47

In reply to **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me, posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 9:50:59

Oh my God Larry, that is horrible. I can't believe anyone can survive that kind of abuse and be whole. You're incredible, Larry. You've gone through more than anybody should have to, and I honestly can't understand how you could forgive women for being able to be so horrible. I mean, how do you not translate that kind of stuff onto every female? For you to love a woman now, is just miraculous. You're an amazing person (((((Larry)))))

 

Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me » Larry Hoover

Posted by madeline on May 26, 2006, at 13:57:02

In reply to **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me, posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 9:50:59

My mom was a perpetrator too. She used to take it out on me all of the "attention" the men showed me. She is also bipolar and the mania was bad for me, but not as bad as the depression when she would have me go get the gun so he could kill herself.

I know rage and I know rules and I know consequences and I know things that just make no sense. I know the cracking and the surviving and the lying and the hiding.

But we made it out Larry. We are magnificient creatures because we made it out to live and love and heal and grow.

The human spirit is indomitable, it can be wounded, horribly horribly wounded but it can not be killed.

In everything there is a gift. You are an incredibly wise person and I suspect that this wisdom may be one of the gifts given to you.

You helped me once when I was absolutely unreachable.

I think Larry Hoover is one of the gifts given to me.

Maddie.

 

(((((Larry))))) » Larry Hoover

Posted by Tamar on May 26, 2006, at 13:58:58

In reply to **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me, posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 9:50:59

I'm so sorry you had to endure that.

I'm thinking of you.

Tamar

 

Re: Beatiful. You made my day... (nm) » madeline

Posted by shasling on May 26, 2006, at 14:00:45

In reply to Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me » Larry Hoover, posted by madeline on May 26, 2006, at 13:57:02

 

Larry's gifts

Posted by llrrrpp on May 26, 2006, at 14:13:04

In reply to Re: Beatiful. You made my day... (nm) » madeline, posted by shasling on May 26, 2006, at 14:00:45

Larry, you're whole and then some.
You're greater than one, because you share so much with so many. And you keep growing, yet the Numerator always exceeds the Denominator. And the parts of yourself that you give away, your kind advice, your deep faith, your generosity towards humankind that hasn't always treated you as you deserve-- those parts are like seeds that fall in fertile soil, and they grow too. And in the end, the only thing that is broken is the cycle of evil.

 

Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me » Larry Hoover

Posted by orchid on May 26, 2006, at 14:14:53

In reply to **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me, posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 9:50:59

It is so incredibly sad Larry. It is pathetic that your mother was like that. No one deserves a mom like that. And kudos to you for making it by yourself so well. You are incredibly kind and wise and a gift to many people here.

It is none short of a miracle that you have turned out so well, and speaks of your inner strength and goodness.

 

Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me » Larry Hoover

Posted by Deneb on May 26, 2006, at 14:38:17

In reply to **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me, posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 9:50:59

(((((((((((((Larry))))))))))))))

Knowing you today, I would have never thought you went through such hell as a child. You turned out all right despite all that you went through.

I hope you can begin to heal now with all these revelations. I think you're an amazing person to still be able to take care of your parents today, knowing how they treated you. You're like the beautiful flower that grew out of mine tailings.

Deneb*

 

Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked » Deneb

Posted by 10derHeart on May 26, 2006, at 16:34:10

In reply to Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me » Larry Hoover, posted by Deneb on May 26, 2006, at 14:38:17

Feeling pretty dumb here.....but what on earth are mine tailings?

 

Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked » 10derHeart

Posted by Deneb on May 26, 2006, at 16:51:34

In reply to Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked » Deneb, posted by 10derHeart on May 26, 2006, at 16:34:10

> what on earth are mine tailings?

Mine tailings are waste material from mining. They're highly contaminated and not much can grow on them. I don't remember all the details of what contaminates them. Larry probably knows.

Deneb*

 

Oh, I get it. Thanks :-) (nm) » Deneb

Posted by 10derHeart on May 26, 2006, at 19:09:01

In reply to Re: **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked » 10derHeart, posted by Deneb on May 26, 2006, at 16:51:34

 

Re: **Trigger** And more.....

Posted by Larry Hoover on May 27, 2006, at 11:31:15

In reply to **Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me, posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 9:50:59

Still triggers flowing, by the way. I again posted this elsewhere. The muse hit me there. I haven't come back here, yet. I will. I'm deeper, here, and I need more time, here. Before I can speak again, here. Just for the update sense of it, I wrote this.....

And thank you for all the validation. It means so much to me.

Here goes....

I appreciate very much the empathy and support. It feels a little unsettling to receive this much attention, when once upon a time, attention is the last thing I wanted. But, I'll manage. [that was actually said with twinkly eyes]

I'm just going to randomly speak to thoughts that arose from this all, rather than answer anybody directly.

It means a lot to know that I am like you, even if the similarity is itself tragic. I was a normal little boy, in a very unusual place. I did what I had to do, to endure it. If I was asked to use one word to define my childhood, in the context of her, it is terror.

Putting words to my memories is crucial, by the way. It unblocks the next thought, to finish forming the one in front.

I realize the central theme of what she did to me.

She would hit me until I had stuffed a similar amount of emotion as she had stuffed, herself. You see, one of the Rules was that if He was home, only He had rage. Not that he was home a lot. I remember her saying once, "I thought I was protecting you kids from him." The thing is, I believe her. Not that it helps me in any way. But I believe she was sincere when she said that.

Also, the pieces are already healed. Not yet grieved, though. But the context is restored. I'm remembering now, not because I'm ready. I'm remembering now because I re-integrated. "Ready" doesn't really describe the situation. I've been ready for a long time. I just couldn't access the memories, because they were mostly stored "off-site", in the memory of the broken off piece.

I think anybody can stuff emotions in a crisis. It's natural to do it. I'm sure I employed that human attribute for many many years before I could have even understood the words for it. But the idea that there were no Rules was too big, when laid on me at a moment when I had been stuffing the biggest hugest stuffer yet. The fabric of my ego tore apart. Whenever it was that it happened, from that point onwards, that fragmented bit had no access to the main me.

Given sufficient emotional stimulation, like a spark between two conductors, I could leap into the expert stuffer ego state, which was in the broken off piece. From the outside, I'm triggered. Just in case anybody didn't know I ever got really triggered, I think some of my triggered episodes are infamous. Until I had the Internet archives, I really wasn't aware of how big they were.

From inside, though, all I had was lost time. I had no idea what really happened during one. I have no memory of it. Like I was carjacked, knocked out, and I 'came to' in some really dangerous neighbourhood. I'd have all the physiological stimulation appropriate for the state of arousal, and I'd certainly note that people around me weren't too happy with me, but I wouldn't really understand what had happened.

The transitions were seamless. Trust me, I looked very hard. For years and years, I looked intently, but I couldn't figure out what was even wrong. Finally, somebody on another board suggested the concept of ego state disorder. I didn't even fit that, really, because of the sense of lost time. I'm one step removed from DID/MPD, I think. Maybe not. Depends on your definitions. I know there's at least one more entity inside me, and it isn't me. I just figured that out, too. I think it might be an internalized version of my mom. Only I'm better at it than even she was. The verbal abuse, I mean. The abuse wasn't merely physical. Maybe it's a hybrid of me and my mom. It'll come to me, some time. It takes time to look at everything.

A piece broke off my ego, somewhere back around 7? years of age, and only interacted with the world when I was triggered sufficiently. It grew up some, along the way. Ya know? It was no more frozen in time than we are. And the re-integration event was the most horrific experience of my life, by at least an order of magnitude. It felt something like a zipper closing. Except the zipper started out all twisted up, so there was a whole lot of spinning and stretching and squeezing and....I was so disoriented, so un-grounded, that I thought that it was the end of sanity itself. I thought, "so this is what it is like to lose your mind". But being so ungrounded, it was also my personal hell. My ultimate worst emotional state. My personal hell. But it ended after only a few hours. I slept, and woke up with a sense of personal competency I have never known. Humpty Dumpty shook off the clumsy work of the king's men, and fixed hisself. The piece knew precisely where it ought to have been. All it needed was the first point of contact, a reference point. And it went out from there, in four dimensions. Three of space, and one more for time. Like a crystal forming out of a super-saturated solution.

I think I am correct in linking another memory to that fragmentation event, when my ego broke apart. I'm pretty sure she left bruises, that time. She wasn't careful enough where she hit me, that time. And I wore a long-sleeve shirt to school in summer? And maybe a social worker came to our apartment? In those days, they wouldn't often apprehend a child. I'm not sure I have a clear enough recollection to sort that out. I think she got warned? Of course, all that did was drive it further underground. Anyway.

It feels good to have my piece/peace back.

And it feels good to have y'all around me.

Lar

 

It feels good for me, too, Larry. (((Larry))) (nm) » Larry Hoover

Posted by susan47 on May 28, 2006, at 3:28:19

In reply to Re: **Trigger** And more....., posted by Larry Hoover on May 27, 2006, at 11:31:15

 

Re: **Trigger** And more..... And more....

Posted by Larry Hoover on May 28, 2006, at 9:31:23

In reply to Re: **Trigger** And more....., posted by Larry Hoover on May 27, 2006, at 11:31:15

Before I continue my soliloquy, I would like to dedicate my words to pfinstegg, whose spirit spoke to mine. In gratitude.....

> I know there's at least one more entity inside me, and it isn't me. I just figured that out, too. I think it might be an internalized version of my mom. Only I'm better at it than even she was. The verbal abuse, I mean. The abuse wasn't merely physical. Maybe it's a hybrid of me and my mom. It'll come to me, some time. It takes time to look at everything.

I don't know what to call this "other" entity. I think it's a projection. I only had one fragment, after all. I am now almost certain of that. Certainty doesn't come easily to a scientist, even one with a lively spirit.

So what the H is this thing?

Saying it has a sharp tongue is hyperbolic understatement. Saying it likes to have the last word, likewise.

Yet, it is protective. It clears the battlefield, after the anger is spent. But still shoots off more words, like covering fire.

It's got a lot of me in it, but I don't feel like I'm missing another piece.

It is me, but it isn't me at all. And I'm thinking the latter clause is the correct one.

I'm mystified, yet. But this is fun. There are so many answers, in here, now.

God, I love you guys. If y'all can fix me, just think what you can do! <winkage>

Lar

 

**Trigger** And more..... And more....more still

Posted by Larry Hoover on May 29, 2006, at 12:22:20

In reply to Re: **Trigger** And more..... And more...., posted by Larry Hoover on May 28, 2006, at 9:31:23

> I don't know what to call this "other" entity. I think it's a projection.
>
> It's got a lot of me in it, but I don't feel like I'm missing another piece.
>
> It is me, but it isn't me at all. And I'm thinking the latter clause is the correct one.

I'm not mystified any more. Not by this thing. But what just happened did. I was writing something like what you'll see in a minute. I was at a key point in my message. The actual act of typing one specific word, in one specific key statement, and my computer made a big "Thoonk" sound, the screen flashed, and then went dead. It wouldn't reboot. I had to power down the whole system, and start it up again. Now it works, again. If some force was trying to make an emphatic remark about my thinking, I think I got the point. Otherwise.....

<spoken to the heavens> I got it, dude!

I think lightning bolts have kept pace with advances in technology.


A'ight, what was I yabbering about?

Oh, yeah, that other voice/entity in there. I figured it out. It is my "parent" voice. The collected wisdom of my experience with those parents that the gods set me up with.

It is only me when I occupy it.

It is a choice, now.

I think y'all are gonna agree with me, that it'd be a good thing if I don't go and occupy that entity any more. The one with the verbal knives. I think you know which one I'm talkin' about.

More, anon.

Lar

 

I sense transformation » Larry Hoover

Posted by curtm on May 30, 2006, at 11:07:58

In reply to **Trigger** And more..... And more....more still, posted by Larry Hoover on May 29, 2006, at 12:22:20

I feel an energy building here in your thread. I can't explain what it is, but it is Larry. Perhaps the lightning did do something. "It's Alive! It's Aliiive!! It's Aliiiiiive!!!" (mad Dr. Frankenstein laugh)

>> If some force was trying to make an emphatic remark about my thinking, I think I got the point.

>> I figured it out. It is my "parent" voice. The collected wisdom of my experience with those parents that the gods set me up with.

>> It is only me when I occupy it.

>> It is a choice, now.

>> I think y'all are gonna agree with me, that it'd be a good thing if I don't go and occupy that entity any more. The one with the verbal knives. I think you know which one I'm talkin' about.

It IS a choice, but often a necessary evil. It IS a part of you. You see it now. You accept it. You own it. Use it to better yourself.

I hope you continue the thread. I sense transformation.

I missed spending as much time with you this weekend.

Curt


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