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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by orchid on April 21, 2006, at 19:25:04
After re reading and re thinking, I think my post yesterday was severly insensitive to folks around here.
And my explanation above was very inadequate.
The feelings towards therapists is an extremely sensitive topic, and I was very insensitive in writing the above post. I wrote it in an instant and didn't really think about it, and I was writing more about my feelings, but I can see now how hurtful it must have been to Daisy, HappyFlower, Madeline and perhaps others in the same boat.
I felt it warranted a more sincere apology and hence this.
I truly am sorry.
I wish there really is an easy answer and solution to such complicated relationships, but unfortunately there isn't an easy answer, and it is neither right nor wrong and hence all this dilemma and frustration and pain around it.
Orchid.
Posted by Veracity on April 21, 2006, at 19:47:42
In reply to An apology for my post yesterday, posted by orchid on April 21, 2006, at 19:25:04
I don't even know what post you're talking about, but that's really mature of you to recognize a mistake and apologize for it.
I always enjoy your posts here, orchid.
Posted by happyflower on April 21, 2006, at 20:58:26
In reply to An apology for my post yesterday, posted by orchid on April 21, 2006, at 19:25:04
I really don't need an apology, nothing you said hurt my feelings. I do think the post was going to cause trouble, some would say it was "troll-like", but since we do know you, it isn't the case.
Even though you went through some heavy attachment yourself, it seems like to me you are less sensitive to others going through the same thing, even though you have somehow got over it. I feel you still might have some buried emotions about this. I could be wrong but it is what I am feeling. Kinda like your last post,and other simular posts seemed almost passive aggressive to me.The only thing I can say is when you make an apology to someone, to make it more sincere, it shouldn't have an excuse to why, or it will seem like you are making excuses for yourself or defending yourself instead of really apologing.
I have learned this through therapy. An apology shouldn't be a discuised use for self justification for an action done.
I am trying my best to be civil about this but yet be truthful for how I feel.
Posted by orchid on April 21, 2006, at 21:30:40
In reply to Re: An apology for my post yesterday, posted by happyflower on April 21, 2006, at 20:58:26
> Even though you went through some heavy attachment yourself, it seems like to me you are less sensitive to others going through the same thing, even though you have somehow got over it. I feel you still might have some buried emotions about this. I could be wrong but it is what I am feeling. Kinda like your last post,and other simular posts seemed almost passive aggressive to me.
---Orchid
I could very well still have some buried emotions about it. And I could probably be acting on it. I try my best to avoid projecting my own experiences on others, but I think sometimes I slip. That is one of the reasons why I have refrained myself from posting to you for the past few months, since I felt I couldn't be objective in my replies to you and I might end up projecting.
>
> The only thing I can say is when you make an apology to someone, to make it more sincere, it shouldn't have an excuse to why, or it will seem like you are making excuses for yourself or defending yourself instead of really apologing.
>
> I have learned this through therapy. An apology shouldn't be a discuised use for self justification for an action done.
>
> I am trying my best to be civil about this but yet be truthful for how I feel.---Orchid
I think the self justification came from the part, that my original intention wasn't to hurt anyone. True - peopls got hurt, but it was not my intention. And I did feel like clarifying that.Not sure if it was right or wrong etc. I don't think it is wrong to explain one's stance in good faith.
Posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 21:35:13
In reply to An apology for my post yesterday, posted by orchid on April 21, 2006, at 19:25:04
When I post on babble, I try to be very careful of other's feelings. My whole goal here is to give support, no matter what the person is going through or how I feel about it. I can directly emphathize with most of the posters here, in fact, I feel very at home in this computerized little place.
I get a lot of support from the posters here too.
However, in your post I got only judgement. I felt as though you were harshly judging yourself and everyone who was/is going through what you went through. It hurt. It hurt a lot. But I know YOU had to be hurting too.
So, take it easy on us, but most importantly, take it easy on yourself.
And lay your mind to rest, I accept your sincere apology and offer genuine thanks for it.
Maddie
Posted by orchid on April 21, 2006, at 21:39:04
In reply to Re: An apology for my post yesterday » orchid, posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 21:35:13
Thanks. I appreciate it.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2006, at 15:27:16
In reply to An apology for my post yesterday, posted by orchid on April 21, 2006, at 19:25:04
Orchid, that was a lovely apology, and I could sense the sincerity behind it.
I think sometimes we all, myself included, find ourselves in a different stage of life than the people we're with and that inadvertantly leads to hurt feelings. I know you didn't intend it. You were just musing on the stage of life you're at now. If I'm understanding correctly, you're re-acclimizing to a relatively conservative culture, you're reattaching with your husband, and you're considering having a baby. In that context, everything you're feeling and considering, especially given the feelings you had for your first therapist, are understandable.
From all you said, I get the feeling that extramarital male/female relationships are viewed a bit differently in India than they are here?
Thank you for your kindness in apologizing, and I hope you feel comfortable posting here. We don't all have to agree about all issues.
Posted by orchid on April 24, 2006, at 15:32:00
In reply to Re: An apology for my post yesterday, posted by Veracity on April 21, 2006, at 19:47:42
Thanks Veracity.
Orchid
Posted by orchid on April 24, 2006, at 15:37:11
In reply to Re: An apology for my post yesterday » orchid, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2006, at 15:27:16
Thanks Dinah for understanding. It is precisely what I am going through right now.
And you are right about the difference in the culture. Affairs/attachemnt to other men (leave alone married men, even unmarried ones) are still a very different thing in my country, and perhaps that always is in the back of my mind. That is perhaps the reason I swing back and forth from feeling ok to totally feeling repulsive and guilty etc.
And also the normal marital fidelity that I am beginning to develop is making me go back on this attachment to therapist. Whatever else my husband might have been, one thing he hasn't been is to be unloyal to me - even in feelings. So I get horrified many times when I think I failed in that. And it is hard to empathize with myself, so I go into this all repulsive and guilty mode and I think my posts end up conveying that.
Again, thanks for looking at things from my perspective. It helps a lot to ease my mind.
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 18:41:55
In reply to Re: An apology for my post yesterday » Dinah, posted by orchid on April 24, 2006, at 15:37:11
I know this is easier to say from my cultural perspective, and to even say it seems like I'm saying our way is right, and I don't want to do that because there's something to be said for more traditional arrangements.
But please don't beat yourself up for something you did in what was really a different place and time. You've now changed to believe in the type of marriage you believe in now. But maybe you wouldn't be embracing it as willingly if you didn't have other experiences.
You didn't betray him by feeling something for someone else. Feelings just are.
And it's not really worthwhile to regret what we can't change. Your experiences, all of them, make you who you are now.
I know it's hard to be as compassionate towards ourselves as we are towards others. (It gets easier as I get older and my memory fails.)
Posted by orchid on April 24, 2006, at 19:24:17
In reply to Re: An apology for my post yesterday » orchid, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 18:41:55
Thanks Dinah.
I have been trying to go easy on myself, and most of the times I do succeed. Only sometimes it gets to me.
Thanks again for the understanding.
This is the end of the thread.
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