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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 19, 2006, at 8:32:11
I need some suggestions, please. My uncle died this morning and I will have to go to my parents' house either tomorrow or Friday and stay overnight. Normally this would be a mild inconvenience, but right now it is producing massive anxiety. When I was last there, my mother had an incident with my 2-year-old nephew, which caused me flashbacks and trauma for weeks afterwards. Then things settled down until the past week. I had some kind of weird dissociative thing Sunday night (where I was suddenly enveloped in the sights, sounds and smells of my parents' house). Part of me knew I wasn't really there, but part of me was afraid I was. Then the next morning, I woke up thinking I was in my bed at their house. It was very disconcerting. Both of those things have happened before, but usually in the immediate aftermath of a visit -- not EVER two months out. So I am really, really stressing about having to go. Plus, my T appt. is tomorrow at noon and there's a chance I will miss it. T is now semi-retired and works part-time, so the chances of being able to schedule it today or earlier tomorrow are slim to none.
Any suggestions for dealing with the anxiety and stress?
Posted by B2chica on April 19, 2006, at 9:03:10
In reply to Help*************Trigger**********, posted by TherapyGirl on April 19, 2006, at 8:32:11
hi (((((((therapy girl))))))))))
such terrible anxiety you must have.my first question would be, do you HAVE to stay at their house when you go? could you stay in a hotel, it might be more expensive that way but sometimes it's worth it.
i think you definately need to share this with your T. do whatever you can to make sure you get in asap. you can talk about things you can do to lessen the contact with family (go in and get out quick kinda thing). and things you ccan say or do to have mini-escapes. these will help. will there be anyone going with you? this could help as well, if they are aware of your troubles.i'm not much help but undertsand where you are coming from. familly 'things' have Always caused me great, great anxiety, and 'episodes'. but my understanding doesn't make it easier for you i know...but i'm here.
Posted by Poet on April 19, 2006, at 9:27:36
In reply to Help*************Trigger**********, posted by TherapyGirl on April 19, 2006, at 8:32:11
Hi TherapyGirl,
I'm with B2Chica on not staying overnight at your parents house if you can help it. I know how hard being where memories are triggered is for me. It's like I'm grown and all of it was long ago, but it comes right back around my family, espcially in the house I grew up in.
Can you get a doctor to prescribe some anti-anxiety meds? Even if you've never asked for them, the stress of the death of a family member is a justifiable reason to need them.
Let us know how you're doing.
Safe cyber hugs.
Poet
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 19, 2006, at 9:41:15
In reply to Re: Help*************Trigger********** » TherapyGirl, posted by Poet on April 19, 2006, at 9:27:36
Thanks, B2C and Poet. You are right about me needing to stay somewhere else -- if only I had enough courage to face the family firestorm that would erupt if I announced that. I am planning to stay the least amount of time possible, though, and will try to arrange to drive my car separately to the services (which will be about 2 hours from my parents') so I can take breaks if and when needed. Maybe I can arrange to leave to come home right afterwards, which would mean I would need my car there.
It is very helpful just to know that you know how hard this is and that you don't think I'm nuts. Thanks for the support.
Posted by crazy teresa on April 19, 2006, at 10:46:18
In reply to Re: Help*************Trigger**********, posted by TherapyGirl on April 19, 2006, at 9:41:15
I'm sorry for your loss.
You're not nuts. You have to learn to protect yourself and not worry about what "they" think about what you do. Only you can take care of you.
I stayed at a hotel during my dad's funeral. No one questioned it since they were all focused on the event. I knew it would be my only link to sanity.
You wouldn't have to bring up the fact that you're staying somewhere else. Just go check in. Tell them you'll see them in the morning. They'll get over it if you stay somewhere else.
Posted by milly on April 19, 2006, at 12:03:52
In reply to Re: Help*************Trigger********** » TherapyGirl, posted by crazy teresa on April 19, 2006, at 10:46:18
A family death is stressful enough without adding extra.
i think if you could possibly stay away from your parents it would be better for you and it is YOU we care for.
look after yourself and they do eventually get over the realisation that your 'a big girl' and can choose to not return to the family home if it's not best for you.
milly
Posted by fairywings on April 19, 2006, at 12:06:00
In reply to Help*************Trigger**********, posted by TherapyGirl on April 19, 2006, at 8:32:11
I'm sorry you're going through this TG, I'm with B2 and Poet - try to stay somewhere else. Tell the family you're having terrible insomnia, tell them you're having some terrible physical problem - that would prevent you from staying there - weird allergies (to the house), digestive disturbances, tell them you're "on call" at work and will be getting calls all night, you can't do steps....whatever.
Seems the pain you'll have to endure afterwards might be worse than whatever problems they have accepting your decision to stay elsewhere.
I hope you get to see your T.
Good luck.
fw
Posted by Daisym on April 19, 2006, at 12:34:08
In reply to Help*************Trigger**********, posted by TherapyGirl on April 19, 2006, at 8:32:11
I'm sorry about your Uncle. Were you close? I'll say a prayer for him.
Since it doesn't seem that staying elsewhere is possible (believe me, I know about those family pressures) I suggest taking things with you that remind you of YOUR home. Take your pillow and maybe a blanket from your bed. Make the room you are in smell different -- take a spray or a candle. (smell is a powerful reminder.) Leave a light on, so that you know where you are when you wake up. If you can, place a framed picture at the bedside to remind you that you are safe - either of a friend, or your therapist, or even a picture you found in a magazine of a meadow or the moon...whatever you can look at to center yourself.
During the drive and at the funeral, can you keep something in your pocket that you can center yourself with? Falls gave me a rock that is so easy to carry and it works really well for this.
Lastly, bring a favorite soothing CD for the car or even your bedroom. Allow yourself to space out with the music.
And take your lap top if you can. We are "with you" so to speak.
Take good care of yourself.
Daisy
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 19, 2006, at 12:58:47
In reply to Re: Help*************Trigger********** » TherapyGirl, posted by Daisym on April 19, 2006, at 12:34:08
Thanks again for all the suggestions. The adult me could pull it off to stay somewhere else, but the 3-year-old inside is very afraid of causing a big ruckus (and still scared to death of my mother <sigh>).
I like the idea about taking things to remind me of home. I have one picture of my T from the internet -- I may print that out and put it in my wallet. I have some relaxation CDs, too -- I'll take them with me. I'll have to think about a small token to take with me. I wish I could think of something in my T's office to take with me. I do have a little figurine she gave me for my birthday one year -- it's of a big bear hugging a little bear. I can take that with me if all else fails.
I was not close to my uncle at all, but am pretty close to my cousins (his daughters) and really want to be there for them. The younger one, in particular, is having a tough time with all of this.
I still don't know when the funeral is -- I'm hoping at this point that it's Saturday, even though that messes up my 2nd job on the weekends. I just can't bear the thought of not seeing my T this week. It already seems like a thousand years since I saw her last Thursday.
Thanks again for the support and the ideas. I'll let you know how it goes.
Posted by milly on April 19, 2006, at 13:29:31
In reply to Re: Help*************Trigger**********, posted by TherapyGirl on April 19, 2006, at 12:58:47
Could you go straight to your cousins?
just a thought
milly
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 19, 2006, at 14:08:40
In reply to Re: Help*************Trigger**********, posted by milly on April 19, 2006, at 13:29:31
It's a good thought, except they are 5 hours from here. 10 hours in one day is more than my back and hips can do at this point. But I'm hoping to leave straight from wherever we go after the services and come home.
Home Sweet Home!!
My brother just called and it looks like the funeral will be Sat. Thank goodness for that, at least.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 24, 2006, at 12:40:02
In reply to Re: Help*************Trigger**********, posted by TherapyGirl on April 19, 2006, at 14:08:40
Just wanted to let you all know that I made it through the trip. It was actually okay -- one of my brothers was there, which helped a fair amount. I didn't sleep well Friday night, but that's nothing new.
I did enjoy the time spent with my cousins and other more distant relatives who I don't get to see very often, so I'm glad I went.
I ended up taking the little figurine of the bears hugging that my T gave me years ago for my birthday. Also, at Christmas, she had me write down a couple of sentences to repeat to myself about my mother and her idea of reality if I needed to. Both things helped a bunch.
And, of course, I got to see my T before I went. I don't know what I would have done if that hadn't worked out. Towards the end of the session, I asked her to sit by me (code for "hold me") and she did. A few minutes into it, she reached over and got the box of Kleenex and handed it to me. I sat up and laughed and said, "I'm NOT crying." Usually, once I sit up, she immediately moves back to her chair. Thursday, though, she stayed where she was, looked at me and said, "I don't know why your life is so hard." Apparently that's all it took -- I dissolved into tears and back into her arms. Sometimes it feels like I could finally be completely safe if I could just crawl inside her. Is that weird?
Thanks so much for the support. You all really helped me think through my options and prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Posted by annierose on April 24, 2006, at 18:17:44
In reply to Update, posted by TherapyGirl on April 24, 2006, at 12:40:02
Thanks for the update. I'm glad it went better than you anticipated. And it's always great to be back home.
This is the end of the thread.
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