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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on April 10, 2006, at 23:07:23
I sometimes wonder if it's worth it. Does anyone else ever feel this way? As I've seen some of you guys say, I need therapy about therapy!
Today I was at the doctor for fatigue and they decided to test my thyroid. Dont have the results yet, but if it is indeed the problem, it could explain all the depression I;ve been fighting for years. (Should have gotten that checked earlier, huh?) Anyway.. I called my T and left her a message telling her. I rarely ever call her outside sessions, but I just wanted to tell her. She didnt call back. I didnt ask her to, and really didnt expect her to.. so why did it bother me? I'm part hurt, part mad, part abandoned.. ugh. Only a little of each, but enough that it hurts. If I wasnt in therapy, I wouldnt be feeling so bad about this.
I know that working through this is part of therapy. But sometimes I just wonder.. am I making myself more crazy by doing all this? I count the days and sometimes hours until my appointments (once a week is not nearly enough!) I dont know.
Posted by special_k on April 10, 2006, at 23:31:17
In reply to Is therapy worth it?, posted by wishingstar on April 10, 2006, at 23:07:23
i don't know either. i really don't know. it is something i am struggling with at present. and to be fair... i'm not sure that anybody has *the* answer they can only talk about what they believe to be right about them (and they can of course be wrong in their own case too lol).
harming or helping...
hard to say.
IMO... sometimes it harms sometimes it helps.
sometimes it is the thought of therapy of my therapist that gets me through. sometimes it is the thought of therpay or my therapist that helps me feel better. be happier etc.
sometimes it is the thought of therapy of my therapist that gets me agonsing... sometimes it is the thought of therapy or my therapist that makes me feel worse. much worse etc.
hard to say...
mixed blessing...
is one better off in a relationship or not?
mixed blessing...
i don't know.
i don't.
i would prefer to be in tehrapy than not. but i don't know that that is what is best for me.
sometimes without a theapist i spin out and do something stupid. sometimes with a therapist i spin out and do something stupid ('cause i'm upset about something to do with therapy) so i'm not sure...
i don't know.
sorry.
i imagine people will jump in and say *of course* you are better off with and it is an investment for your future etc etc.
but...
i'm not so sure...
i'm not.
Posted by Dinah on April 11, 2006, at 7:51:33
In reply to Re: Is therapy worth it? » wishingstar, posted by special_k on April 10, 2006, at 23:31:17
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 11, 2006, at 8:47:14
In reply to Is therapy worth it?, posted by wishingstar on April 10, 2006, at 23:07:23
Wishing, as usual you ask the really tough questions. As someone who has been recently diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I don't think you can underestimate the effect this might be having on everything. I didn't even realize the total effects until recently, once I'd been on the meds for 5 weeks or so. If you want more information about that, let me know. I'm happy to share.
I understand about calling your T and wanting her to call back even when you didn't ask her to. I do that, too -- I just sometimes want her to take that extra step to prove she cares about me and is concerned about what I'm going through. And she is equally committed to making me ask for what I need. LOL
Is therapy worth it? Only you can answer that question for yourself. For me, in spite of the pain and obsession it has caused me, the answer is yes. And the most important reason, I think, is that my T has hung in there with me in a way no one else ever has. She's set the boundaries I needed and made sure that she didn't get burned out so that she could stick with me. And she gave me the first real, healthy connection I've ever had with an adult human being. So that is priceless for me -- priceless in terms of the healing of my soul and priceless in terms of knowing I am capable of having this connection.
Posted by pegasus on April 11, 2006, at 10:25:43
In reply to Is therapy worth it?, posted by wishingstar on April 10, 2006, at 23:07:23
I ask myself this every now and then also. Or at least I used to. Recently I've concluded that it is absolutely worth it. My life is so much better than it used to be. I'll take all the pain in exchange for that. Of course, recently I haven't had to deal as directly with a serious attachment to my T.
Here's something to chew over -- or something I've been chewing over anyway. I used to have a T to whom I was very attached. He left and I still feel a very painful attachment to him, and long to talk to him. After he left, I got a T who I like a lot. We did good therapy, and I like her style a lot. But I never felt attached. So, do you know what I want? I want to feel that painful attachment to her! I can't explain it logically, but that's what my heart wants!
So, I'm concluding that my heart found something helpful in the painful attachment. Not sure what it was, but I've decided that there is some wisdom there that I'm going to try to ferret out.
peg
Posted by bent on April 11, 2006, at 13:31:40
In reply to Is therapy worth it?, posted by wishingstar on April 10, 2006, at 23:07:23
what timing...this very question has been on my mind for the past two days, or maybe since I last saw my T yesterday and left with my feelings all stirred up. Feelings that i think i wouldnt feel if i just didnt have a T. i know therapy has helped me become a stronger person but right now i hate it. i really hate it. so if i am feeling such a desire to run from therapy does that mean its harming me? i dont know. the feelings are too confusing for me to figure out right now. i guess I am saying that there are many good things that have come out of my therapy but I am not sure its worth all this pain and confusion. i know what you mean by waiting for that next appt (i dont think once a week is good enough either). And I have called and wondered if my T will call me back, and she doesnt, unless I ask her to. i know thats how it works yet I still wait and I still feel hurt when she doesnt call. she says its how I test her. sometimes I wonder if I should be doing other things with my time instead of thinking about therapy/therapist...maybe things I'd be doing if I didnt have a therapist. sorry to go on so negatively. this is just a sore spot for me right now. i know how you feel. sorry I cant help.
Posted by orchid on April 11, 2006, at 13:51:02
In reply to Is therapy worth it?, posted by wishingstar on April 10, 2006, at 23:07:23
It depends on a lot of factors - how deep your issues are, how good your T is, how much of control you are willing to exercise over therapy and yourself etc etc.
But it generally helps. But it is a unique experience and the only thing you can do is to frequently analyze its effect on you and be aware of its effects. Not that that is always possible, but atleast you can try.
One thing that might generally help is to not have extensive expectations on your therapist. It is better to go in with a more realistic expectation - that they are your therapist, they are being paid to listen to you, and they most likely will not develop too much of a special attachment to you etc. That will perhaps help you not feel down when things happen like they don't return your call etc.
Posted by wishingstar on April 11, 2006, at 20:59:16
In reply to Re: Is therapy worth it? » wishingstar, posted by special_k on April 10, 2006, at 23:31:17
>
> is one better off in a relationship or not?
>I think thats a good way to look at it.. I guess no relationship is ALWAYS helpful and happy.
It's okay that you dont have "the answers".. I dont think any of us do. It helps to know that you understnad though.. although I wish you didnt have to feel this way too. It's just hard to know. Just press on, I guess..
Posted by wishingstar on April 11, 2006, at 21:02:24
In reply to Re: Is therapy worth it? » wishingstar, posted by pegasus on April 11, 2006, at 10:25:43
I think the attachment is both what makes it so hard and part of what can make it so comforting and rewarding, at least for me. This is the first T I've ever been attached to like this.. and it does feel much more "real" to me. Like you, I think I'd miss that feeling in an odd way if it was gone. Even though I hate it!
I've read things where people suggest that the relationship is really what makes therapy work, regardless of what type of therapy it is. I dont think I completely agree with that (I think orientation does matter).. but I do to a point. Without some relationship, what good is everything else? Just my random thoughts.
Posted by wishingstar on April 11, 2006, at 21:07:25
In reply to Re: Is therapy worth it? » wishingstar, posted by bent on April 11, 2006, at 13:31:40
I'm sorry youre feeling bad after your last appointment.. I know that feeling all too well. However, I dont think wanting to run from therapy necessairly means its bad for you. It could just mean that you're doing some work thats really difficult and uncomfortable, but is actually what you need to do, you know?
I think what your T says it true for me too. I guess calling her sort of was a test - a test to see if she REALLY cares and would care/be intereasted enough to call me back even though I didnt ask her to. My intellectual side knows thats dumb though, because that isnt how therapy and our relationship works. I wish it did.
I know what you mean about wondering what you could do with the time you spend thinking about therapy and all. Thats a big part of whats making me question whether its worth it or not right now. Ugh.
Dont apologize for anything.. just knowing I'm not alone with this feeling helps.
Posted by wishingstar on April 11, 2006, at 21:11:48
In reply to It depends » wishingstar, posted by orchid on April 11, 2006, at 13:51:02
Does it sound like my expectations were unrealistic? :( I guess its possible. But I think if I continually tell myself that she isnt going to develop any special attachment or special caring for me, I wont be able to open up and be real with her. I KNOW thats true (intellectually).. but I cant think about it all the time. I guess it's too painful.
My intellectual side definitely knows that she wasnt going to call back. I really didnt expect her to at all. But that stupid emotional side still kicks in and is hurt, no matter how much I try to justify and understand it.
I guess it just feels like more than an issue of control and stuff right now. I'm very good at keeping my emotions all tucked away (thats the biggest hurdle I fight in therapy.. being able to talk about feelings rather than thoughts). I just dont know how to control this. If anyone knows, I'd love to hear. This is all really new for me.
Posted by wishingstar on April 11, 2006, at 21:18:00
In reply to Re: Is therapy worth it?, posted by TherapyGirl on April 11, 2006, at 8:47:14
lol do I ask the hard questions? :) I'm told I over-think all the time.. maybe this is another example!
I'll find out the results from my thyroid tests on Thursday. If it turns out my thyroid is messed up, I'd love to hear more about it from you. In a way, I really hope it is, because it might finally be the key to this depression (or part of it anyway).
It sounds like you have a good T.. making you ask for what you need and all. Dont you hate how committed they can be to this stuff sometimes? Come onnnn, bend a littleee. LOL But if she did that, then that'd defeat the purpose of therapy I guess. :)
I like your answer about why therapy is good for you. I know that most of what you said it true for me too (learning boundaries, etc).. I guess I'm still in the place where it's so new to me, and so painful sometimes, that I just hate it. Hopefully I can push through this and come out better on the other side. It's just hard to know.. such is life, I guess.
Posted by wishingstar on April 11, 2006, at 21:22:21
In reply to Right now I'd say no. But I don't always feel that (nm), posted by Dinah on April 11, 2006, at 7:51:33
Posted by fairywings on April 11, 2006, at 23:45:36
In reply to Is therapy worth it?, posted by wishingstar on April 10, 2006, at 23:07:23
Hi Wishingstar,
Therapy has helped me see some things recently, that otherwise I wouldn't have seen. Sometimes I wish I hadn't started bec. it's hugely painful to realize those things. How could I have lived all this time, and not been aware of those things b4? I let too much time pass w/o "knowing", and it hurts because you can never get that time back, there's no "redo" button.
And since I've become aware of those things, I've been thinking about my relationships in general.... and it's painful to think I'm just a speck....and I"m just another "folder" sitting on his desk.... when I terminate, I'll just be filed away in a room somewhere.
I read the ambivalence in some of the posts, and I feel all of it, and yet, like most people, I wouldn't trade it for anything bec. he's given me something no one's ever given me .....a different "something". Once a week feels like it's not enough to fill up my "something" void...but I don't know how much would be enough - or if it could ever be filled, and I can't hope for someone else to try to fill that void, I guess only I'm capable of doing that, but I don't know how. And it all feels so depressing.
Sorry, didn't start off thinking my post would be such a drag......
fairywings
Posted by orchid on April 12, 2006, at 14:21:55
In reply to Re: It depends » orchid, posted by wishingstar on April 11, 2006, at 21:11:48
> But I think if I continually tell myself that she isnt going to develop any special attachment or special caring for me, I wont be able to open up and be real with her. I KNOW thats true (intellectually).. but I cant think about it all the time. I guess it's too painful.
>This is the tricky part of therapy. The nature of the beast rather. The therapist of course wants you to share everything, and bring out all your inner emotions, and needs and wants, but, they pretend to not understand the kind of intense attachement to them that will ensue as part of revealing so much.
And many do understand it to some extent, but don't have any idea how to effectively deal with it - some get scared and cut off, some become very closed, and some try to do a mix and match of becoming open sometimes and pulling back sometimes, and very few openly accept and acknowledge it and will do their part in helping out the patients completely. The last model is the best and you are lucky if you have a therapist who understands it and is willing to go that mile with you.
But neverthelss, in all these cases, in spite of the therapists' best intentions, immense hurt happens to the patients - because this whole therapy relationship simply goes against human nature. And any attempt to defy reality simply doesn't work.
This is where it becomes the double edged sword -where it both helps, and hurts. Both at the same time. You will be lucky if you get more of the first and little of the second. But no one can predict the outcome.
I found myself though, with my second T, I completely stopped myself from developing any attachment to her. (that was possible though, because I had been through the whole cycle before with the first one). And it didn't affect the quality of therapy. I was able to completely open up to her, and tell her everything, at the same time knowing full well that she doesn't really bother about me too much, that I am just an hour in her schedule. And she managed to help immensely, and she didn't pretend to care personally about me either. She was very official like, and didn't share anything about her, didn't give me even an inkling of any personal emotion on her side, but it magically worked for me. But if she had been my first therapist, it wouldn't have worked. By the time I came to her, I knew enough about myself, to stop any emotion on my part - because I knew it would only end up hurting me in the end. I wouldn't allow myself even a small amount of attachment to her, never called her in between the sessions, never tried to double up sessions, never tried to over run the sessions, etc etc. I was completely official like myself, and it really helped me save myself from getting hurt.
And this may not work for everyone, but it worked for me. I don't even know if it is advisable to other people, because being so un attached, might affect the therapeutic outcome for most people. I am simply saying it worked for me. And atleast it didn't hurt.
Posted by wishingstar on April 14, 2006, at 7:17:39
In reply to Is therapy worth it?, posted by wishingstar on April 10, 2006, at 23:07:23
This is the end of the thread.
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