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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on March 22, 2006, at 21:36:02
I've seen a lot of people here talk about having a hard time when their T is on vacation, so I'm sorry if this feels redundant to anyone..
I usually see my T once a week, on Tuesdays. She'll be on vacation next week, so I wont get to see her. I'll see her the next week, but because of a schedule problem, I wont see her until Thursday.. which is 16 days.
I guess I know that it's normal to feel scared and angry and all sorts of things.. and I do. Trust and being emotional is REALLY hard for me and I feel like the last 2 weeks or so, I've really been "testing the waters" with her (even though its been a year) and getting more emotional and real than I ever have before. This week off is just terrible timing for me (but when is it ever good timing?)
I guess my real question is.. how do you all deal with it when they leave? I'm planning to take my therapy money and do something nice for myself, and maybe go to the gym during my normal therapy time to keep my mind off it.. but I dont know. Once a week is already not nearly enough, but 16 days.. thats crazy. She did tell me that she has another person on-call for her (I'd never call them) and she may be checking messages from time to time.. but I wouldnt want to interrpt her vacation unless it was an absolute emergency. I also promised myself that I will finally get my splits by the time she gets back so I can take a photo and show her that day (I'm a dancer) and that helps me feel a little more connected in some odd way. This is the first time I've ever been attached enough to a therapist to care when they leave. Any suggestions? What works for you?
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on March 22, 2006, at 22:44:42
In reply to T on vacation, posted by wishingstar on March 22, 2006, at 21:36:02
I always keep my T's business card in my purse. :) It makes me feel connected to her.
Okay...I'm a little embarassed to admit this...I also got a little stuffed animal and named it after my T. I keep it on my bookshelf and it makes me think abt her.
I also was thinking that next time she is gone I would ask her for a book recommendation related to our work. That would help me feel some continuity.
I also like your idea abt keeping busy. I do find that to be helpful.
Hope this helps!
Best,
EE
Posted by LadyBug on March 23, 2006, at 0:59:38
In reply to T on vacation, posted by wishingstar on March 22, 2006, at 21:36:02
I go through this struggle too. When my T is flying somewhere she'll call me from the airport and leave me a voice mail. We decided to do this quite sometime ago, actually it was her idea. I have the voice mail to listen to while I'm gone. Sometimes it's harder for me than others and we have learned through experience to talk about her leaving as far in advance as we can. She is famous for telling me at the very last min. of our visit so we have no time to process my feelings and I leave feeling abandonded. My T. has let me take her picture. I keep it in my journal and when I feel like I need to talk to her, I write in my journal. She also has a small gold heart on her key chain that I gave her when she went out of the country in Feb. This helped me know that a little part of me went with her. She didn't give it back when I saw her again, but she has since gone out of town and told me she still had it on her key chain. I call her voice mail sometimes when she's gone, just to hear her "gone" message. I know when she's back when she changes it back to her regular voice mail.
I think spending your therapy money on yourself is a great idea. If she hasn't left yet, maybe you could give her a call and maybe have her leave you a voice mail for when she's gone??? I've taken something small from her office before too. That sometimes helps.
How long have you been seeing her? And do you feel comfortable talking about how you feel when she leaves? It's taken me and my T. a LONG time to figure this out. And even after 9 years of seeing her, I still am very triggered by her leaving. It is much much better than it was before. I used to have a hard time with just the weekend and her not being in her office!! How's that for fear of abandonment? I do understand. You can share your feelings with us here on Babble, we've all been through what you feel now.
LadyBug
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 23, 2006, at 9:16:06
In reply to T on vacation, posted by wishingstar on March 22, 2006, at 21:36:02
Wishing, I'm right there with you. My T is on vacation next week, too, although it's 14 days, not 16. Still, I'm a little panicked.
What generally works for me is to try to stay extremely busy and to write in my journal about whatever is going on. That keeps it from getting lost in the accumulation of 2 weeks worth of stuff. Then I'll copy it and take it in with me when she gets back. She also, recently, has started adding a sentence to her away message about coming back that is specifically for me. So I'll call and listen to her message when I need to be reminded that she will come back.
Keep me posted about how you're doing, okay?
Posted by milly on March 23, 2006, at 11:05:58
In reply to T on vacation, posted by wishingstar on March 22, 2006, at 21:36:02
Oh wishingstar, I really feel for you, 16 days is a long time, how about splitting it down into more manageable bits! When 4 days are gone by you are halfway to halfway! OK not a great suggestion, it still sounds ages!
Journeling is good I do that loads
Keeping busy is good
Drinking - no maybe not
Going to bed early might mean the next day comes quicker, if you can sleep
Actually I'm hopeless when my T is away as you can probably tell!
milly
Posted by milly on March 23, 2006, at 11:08:27
In reply to T on vacation, posted by wishingstar on March 22, 2006, at 21:36:02
I have just reread it and I think I'm in a bit of an 'off' mood sorry
milly
Posted by muffled on March 23, 2006, at 19:13:03
In reply to oops maybe ignore above! » wishingstar, posted by milly on March 23, 2006, at 11:08:27
Posted by wishingstar on March 23, 2006, at 21:10:46
In reply to Re: T on vacation, posted by Emily Elizabeth on March 22, 2006, at 22:44:42
Aw I like the idea about the stuffed animal. I actually considered doing it, but I'm trying really hard to NOT think about her. I feel like my dependency is getting out of hand (not stalking or anything, I just hate that she's always on my mind).
I have a "collection" of all my Ts business cards.. I must have 15 or so. I'm not sure why she keeps giving them to me.. lol
Posted by wishingstar on March 23, 2006, at 21:22:52
In reply to Re: T on vacation » wishingstar, posted by LadyBug on March 23, 2006, at 0:59:38
I'm so jealous.. can I have your therapist?! Just kidding of course. She sounds great and very understanding. Mine has very tight boundaries. In fact, she wouldnt even tell me where she was going.. just that her kids are on spring break and theyre doing "a couple little things" out of town. Whatever that means. I think it would help to know. She did offer once to let me take something small from her office when I was gone for a month, but it was before I was really attached to her and declined. I think I'd be too afraid to ask her to call and leave me a message or something like that.. afraid she'd say no, or afraid I'm being too much of a drain on her time. I hate asking for anything at all outside of session time. I also call her voice mail just to hear her voice occasionally though. Sometimes it helps.
I've been seeing her for probably a year and a half total, but I took a 6 month (or so) break in the middle, and I really wasnt doing good therapy before that. So I'd say I've been seeing her about 6-7 months now, and only about 3 months on a weekly basis (it was bi-weekly before). The last few weeks have been the first time I've ever really gotten to the emotional level at all with her.. its very hard for me. I think I am going to try to talk to her about how hard her leaving was for me when she gets back.. I really dont think she has any idea. She told me a week in advance, which I guess was enough time. It's just such a hard time for her to be leaving - right when I'm finally hitting the emotional place and trusting her like I've never been able to before. It does feel sort of like abandonment.. how could she do this? Doesnt she know how much I need her? She must not care as much as I think she does if she can just leave like this.. etc etc. I know those statements arent true, but I have to remind myself.I know what you mean about even weekends being difficult. Sometimes the 6 days between my sessions feel like 6 years. I wish I could see her more often, but Id never know how to ask, and more importantly, I couldnt afford it.
I'm really afraid to feed this dependence I seem to have developed though. It doesnt seem like a good idea for me to need her and be so dependent on her when I barely even know the real her.
Sorry for rambling! I appreciate your suggestions.
Posted by wishingstar on March 23, 2006, at 21:27:16
In reply to Re: T on vacation » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on March 23, 2006, at 9:16:06
A sentence in her message just for you? How sweet.. that must make you feel really good. Can I ask how that came about? I mean, how did you all decide that she'd put in a phrase for you?
I'm sorry to hear you're in the same place I am right now. It's amazing how short 2 weeks can be sometimes, but when the therapist is gone.. it can be forever!
I plan to stay as busy as I can over the 16 days too, but I also want to try and take some extra "me" time. Probably not a good idea, since I isolate like crazy already.. :)
Hang in there!
Posted by wishingstar on March 23, 2006, at 21:30:45
In reply to Re: T on vacation, posted by milly on March 23, 2006, at 11:05:58
Haha no, dont worry.. your post was just fine. I'm sorry you're in an 'off' mood though.. is everything ok?
Drinking.. I knew I forgot one important coping method! Not sure my T would agree.. lol
I tried splitting it into bits but if I think of it that way, I'm only about a fifth of the way there. Yikes! :) I'll just keep as busy as I can and hope it goes quickly.
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on March 23, 2006, at 23:23:52
In reply to Re: T on vacation » Emily Elizabeth, posted by wishingstar on March 23, 2006, at 21:10:46
Oh, and I forgot this one....last time my T was on vacation, I planned my own vacation to be at the same time! It took my mind off of it AND it made me feel like I was like her. Maybe it is the same feeling that a little girl gets when she dresses up in her mommy's clothes. :)
Best,
EE
Posted by Daisym on March 24, 2006, at 0:55:45
In reply to Re: T on vacation » LadyBug, posted by wishingstar on March 23, 2006, at 21:22:52
I wish there was some way to reassure you that what you are feeling is a good thing. Being attached to someone you are sharing your intimate thoughts with and missing them when they are away from you is more than reasonable -- I think it is expected. I don't think this makes you overly dependent. I think I hate that word...it brings to mind the hysterical client trying to reach their therapist in the midst of a natural disaster, "should I go to the storm cellar now?!"
I doubt you are that caracature.16 days is a really long time. I think keeping busy is an excellent idea. Writing helps me, I post a lot when my therapist is away. I like all the other ideas too. My therapist leave me a voice mail too, telling me he promises to come back. And I have something to hang on to that helps. He usually offers to call half way through but I've never accepted that. I feel like you do, I don't want to interrupt.
Another thing that helped me was reading therapy "stories" -- not text book type information but rather lighter therapy stories, like "The Flying Couch" or "Thief of Happiness"
Be nice to yourself. It will help the time past faster.
Posted by Daisym on March 24, 2006, at 1:03:29
In reply to Re: T on vacation » wishingstar, posted by Daisym on March 24, 2006, at 0:55:45
The wrong book got linked:
it was supposed to be "Tales from a traveling Couch"
and I was actually thinking of something from Yalom -- Not this book. In fact, don't read this while your therapist is away!! Sorry for the mix up!
Posted by All Done on March 24, 2006, at 2:12:05
In reply to Book Corrections, posted by Daisym on March 24, 2006, at 1:03:29
> and I was actually thinking of something from Yalom
Was it "Love's Executioner : & Other Tales of Psychotherapy"?
Posted by All Done on March 24, 2006, at 2:18:24
In reply to T on vacation, posted by wishingstar on March 22, 2006, at 21:36:02
Hi, wishingstar. I know exactly how you're feeling and I'm sorry you will have to go so long without seeing your T.
If she's offered to let you hang on to something from her office before, maybe you should thinking about asking for something this time. Since she already offered once, it's highly unlikely she will refuse, and it might give you a good opportunity to discuss your feelings about her leaving, which, although not easy, is probably a good thing.
And by all means, don't forget to visit Camp Comfort. There is always space available and you can get just about anything you need there. :)
Take care,
Laurie
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 24, 2006, at 8:52:22
In reply to Re: T on vacation » TherapyGirl, posted by wishingstar on March 23, 2006, at 21:27:16
It's kind of a long story about how "my" sentence came about, but you asked, so I'll tell.
I had been doing really, really well with all of my issues until 2-1/2 years ago. I had been out of therapy for about 7 years, just checking in occasionally (and having lunch with her very occasionally). About 6 months before the newest trauma, I had started seeing her more regularly, about twice/month around some weight issues and relationship issues.
Then in August of 2003, my former boss committed suicide. I was with his stepson when we found him. I'm not going to go into detail here, but it was a horrible day that lasted, for me, for about 6 months. Not much sleep, lots of headaches, many, many symptoms of PTSD. Unfortunately, in September, my therapist was gone for 2 weeks (which meant I didn't see her for 3 weeks). The timing was terrible -- she knew it and I knew it, but there was not much to be done about it. I think her daughter was getting married, but she never said.
Anyway, during that two weeks my relationship ended and I thought I was losing my mind. We also got the autopsy results on my former boss with horrifying information. It had been hard when she was gone before, but never, ever as hard as it was this time. I was a complete mess when she came back and we spent months processing how very abandoned I felt. She hasn't been gone for two weeks in a row since then, but the next time she was out, we talked about it a bunch. She asked me what I did to feel connected to her when she was out. I told her that I had saved messages on my machine from her and I would listen to them and call and listen to her voice mail message. She thought that was fabulous (and you can't believe how embarrassed I was to admit this stuff to her). She immediately told me to call in and listen for a special sentence she would put in just for me about when she would be back. She's done it every time since then, even when we haven't specifically discussed it.
Are you sorry you asked? :-)
Posted by wishingstar on March 25, 2006, at 14:02:09
In reply to Re: T on vacation » wishingstar, posted by Daisym on March 24, 2006, at 0:55:45
Hi Daisy.. I guess I understand what you're saying about the attachment being normal.. but its just so hard. I hate how much time I spend thinking about therapy and my T.. it just pops into my head at the worst times, when I really need to be doing other things. And I hate it because I also know its temporary.I have a very hard time getting close to people, but once I do, letting go is impossible.. and I know one day I'll have to. I guess (hope) Ill be prepared for it by then, but I only have a year left in this town and I'll be leaving the area. But you're right, I dont think I'm being overly dependent.. I hope!
Thanks for the book recommendations.. I'll definitely check them out!
Posted by wishingstar on March 25, 2006, at 14:04:56
In reply to Re: T on vacation, posted by All Done on March 24, 2006, at 2:18:24
Unfortunately when I posted this, I'd already seen her for the last time before the break. I'm sure she would let me take something.. but asking just seems so impossible. I never ever let down the competent, "got it all together" face.. I guess I do a little with her, but admitting how much I need her would be so hard. I'm sure she has no idea. I'm going to try my best to mention it when she gets back.. we'll see. I always plan what to say then I get there and it wont come out.
And thanks for the invite to camp comfort.. I may just have to stop by in the next few days. I hope the weather is nicer there than it is here. Rain and snow.. yuck. :)
Posted by wishingstar on March 25, 2006, at 14:06:41
In reply to Re: T on vacation -- TRIGGER » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on March 24, 2006, at 8:52:22
Not at all sorry I asked.. I hope my asking didnt bring up any bad feelings for you though. I didnt realize it was that intense of a situation.
That's great that she did (and still does) that for you. She sounds like a very caring, wonderful person. I hope things are looking up for you now.
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 25, 2006, at 20:04:41
In reply to Re: T on vacation -- TRIGGER » TherapyGirl, posted by wishingstar on March 25, 2006, at 14:06:41
Wishingstar -- you didn't bring up any bad, unmanageable feelings for me. That situation may be the only time in my life I've actually met something head on and processed EVERY single feeling I had about it. It probably helped that it was new and not from 30 or 40 years ago. :-)
12 days and counting for me...
This is the end of the thread.
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