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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Veracity on March 22, 2006, at 14:45:46
I know I'm new here (just signed up today) but I've read some of the archives and the recent threads and it seems like this might be the best place to find the answer to my question. Okay, so here goes...
I have been in therapy with the same therapist for about four years. I really like her, she is professional, patient, amazingly consistent and kind, and has offered me numerous tools and insights. Throughout the four years I have rarely ever looked at her, however, and I probably couldn't even really tell you what she looks like beyond the color of her hair or her general skin tone. I know I've been a difficult client for her. I was suicidal when I first started seeing her and although I've made vast improvements, I don't think I'll ever be a normal happy person and I know my pessimism is often difficult for her to deal with. Additionally, over the past four years I have stopped coming to therapy three different times for about 3 to 4 months at a time. I've always told her that I'm going to stop coming prior to quitting and while she's always been understanding and respectful of my wishes, I can tell she considers it a major set-back and a sign that I'm not committed to improving. In our weekly sessions, I hardly ever volunteer information and I say as little as possible. She works very hard to get me to open up and she's shared with me that she feels as though she walks a fine line between dictating how our sessions go and simply sitting there in silence for the entire hour. Despite all this, we have made real progress.
The last time I quit therapy, I came back a few months later with some specific goals in mind. This was around October of last year. We have met weekly since then and I have done a better job at talking in therapy and doing work outside of our sessions to improve. I have met the goals I set forth and her guidance has been instrumental in my doing so.
At our session two weeks ago, I mentioned that I had acheived all of the goals I had in mind when I returned to therapy. Immediately, my therapist asked me, "What are you telling me then?" I think she thought that I wanted to end therapy since 1. I had often used the idea of "I'm all better now" to stop therapy before and 2. I really had reached my goals and 3. because (as always) I was really resisting getting in to some deeper stuff about myself. At that time, I said I didn't mean anything by it (because in all honesty, I didn't - I certainly didn't want to end therapy) and we moved on.
Well, at this week's session, we talked about some general stuff for most of the hour and then the issue about my reaching my goals came up and she said in an exasperated tone, "I can guess what you're trying to tell me but I'd like you to state it." And I honestly *wasn't* thinking that I wanted to end therapy. What I was thinking was, Okay, I've reached these goals but I still feel a bit lost so what should I do now? But I knew that she was expecting me to say that I was ready to quit therapy. And I started to think that maybe that's what she *wanted* me to say. Because I certainly have not been the most delightful client and it was just so apparent that she wasn't expecting me to try to be different.
So I said I figured I should stop coming to therapy. And then she said, "Well, we don't have much time left today so is this what you really want?" And I just sat there because I have never in my life really ever known what it means to want something for myself. I am good at wanting to do what other people want but I don't even know what wanting something for myself would actually feel like. And this is exactly what we had been talking about in many ways for the past few weeks! So I didn't quite get what she was asking and I knew I only had a few moments to make my decision. So I started formulating an answer about maybe I could think about it and tell her the next week when she said, "So, are we meeting next week or not? You decide."
The impression I got was that she didn't want me to come back. (And I can hardly blame her! She's been infinitely patient with me over the past four years and I think she finally sees a way out as I have made marked improvements and don't really *need* therapy any longer). So I said, "I guess not." And she asked again, "Is that what you want?" And I said, "I think it is." And she then told me I could always call her if I needed to but otherwise goodbye.
And her "goodbye" is my cue to leave so I got up like usual, got my keys, and walked out like usual. And I just always thought that when you end therapy, you at least talk a little bit about how you feel about ending it? I know in the past when I've asked to take a break or when I've said I want to quit, she devoted at least half of a session to discussing the decision or scheduling a special session just to discuss the break or (supposed) end of our working together. Like she has in the past, she could have said, "Let's talk about this next week and make a decision then," but she didn't say that. So this has me so perplexed. It really makes me think that she was ready for our work to be done with.
And unlike any of the other times when I've stopped going, I *don't* feel relieved at all - I feel sad and I really want to go back and talk with her more. I at least want to tell her thank you and let her know that I appreciated her help and that she has been really important to me and that I will miss meeting with her. I wish I could have had at least 5 minutes to say all that. She probably would never expect it from me because I've never really engaged with her at all on a personal level, I guess I just am regretting it now.
So my question is, is there a standard protocol for terminating therapy? I am willing to accept that I don't need to meet with her any longer but is it normal to feel like I should have at least talked a little bit about how I felt about termination? I wrote her a one-page letter thanking her and letting her know that even though I never really showed it, I did appreciate being able to meet with her. I sent it today and I do feel better knowing that she will know how I really felt about our four years of therapy together.
I feel like I just got dumped, but in some weird way I was the one who "chose" to end the relationship. Like you devote all this energy and you become used to seeing someone every week and then -bang- it's just over, just like that. I guess I just need to process that. I am glad I found this site and I can tell just writing this out has helped. Writing the letter to my therapist helped too. And oddly enough, if I don't make it through these feelings of dislocation in a week or so, I may seek out a new therapist just to help process my feelings about my prior therapist - I *never* thought that would be something I'd consider! But one thing I've recently gotten through my thick skull is that talking really does help.
I would very much appreciate hearing from others about their termination experiences.
Posted by Daisym on March 22, 2006, at 15:06:53
In reply to Therapy Termination Question, posted by Veracity on March 22, 2006, at 14:45:46
I don't have a termination experience but I still wanted to respond.
I think you should call her and be as honest in your confusion as you have been here. You've worked together for 4 years...I just don't think this is how it should end. But it does sound a little bit like her feelings were hurt, although not knowing her, I'm not sure. As you've described it, it doesn't sound like she wanted to escape working with you, otherwise I would think she would have brought it up. Perhaps she was having a bad day or week? But I wouldn't leave it like this. It feels too undone.
My guess is that she was struggling with that fine line again...wanting you to chose what you really wanted and not wanting to point out what she might think you needed. And it does sound like she misread this whole thing. But it also sounds like you can learn a lot from this, especially if you force yourself to call and make another appointment.
Good luck. Welcome and I hope you update what happens.
Posted by Dinah on March 22, 2006, at 16:27:31
In reply to Therapy Termination Question, posted by Veracity on March 22, 2006, at 14:45:46
I quit a few times the first five years of therapy, never for that long. My therapist has since talked to me of how difficult it was, and how I taught him all he knows about terminating in such a way as to allow the client to come back.
Perhaps she let what might be a difficult situation for any therapist overwhelm her today. I think it's worth telling her that the situation sort of got away from you, and that your intention wasn't to quit until her reaction seemed to expect it. And try to talk it over. Definitely talk it over. Four years is a long time.
And maybe she needs to learn a little bit about jumping to conclusions with you. :)
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 22, 2006, at 17:33:28
In reply to Therapy Termination Question, posted by Veracity on March 22, 2006, at 14:45:46
I'm new here, too, Veracity, but I definitely agree with Dinah and Daisy. My impression from what you wrote was definitely *not* that she was trying to push you out the door, but that she was perhaps exasperated with having this happen over and over. Perhaps she feels that you get to a certain point in your therapy relationship and you pull back? That's just what I thought when I read your post. But you'll never know what she was thinking unless you ask.
Please, please call her and please keep us updated.
Posted by annierose on March 22, 2006, at 18:18:22
In reply to Therapy Termination Question, posted by Veracity on March 22, 2006, at 14:45:46
Not to sound like a broken record, but I agree with the above wise posters.
When I first worked with my T, I quit several times too (welcome to the club). And she was always gracious when I came crawling back.
Now I'm working with her again, and we talked about termination. Not that I'm anywhere close to the decision, but I wanted to know how she would normally proceed (since I never experienced that). She told me that she usually waits for the client to bring it up (but not always) and it is something that we talk and talk and talk about. Then after lots of talking and talking, then there is the planning, and finally spacing out appointments, until the client feels comfortable leaving.
She told me that it's bittersweet for both therapist and client.
As she described it, it would take about year.
I think it is worth a phone call. Talk from your heart. T's have bad days too. I hope you check back in and let us know how it went.
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on March 22, 2006, at 22:18:35
In reply to Re: Therapy Termination Question » Veracity, posted by annierose on March 22, 2006, at 18:18:22
Posted by milly on March 23, 2006, at 3:48:26
In reply to I agree with the others!! :) (nm), posted by Emily Elizabeth on March 22, 2006, at 22:18:35
Posted by B2chica on March 23, 2006, at 9:13:52
In reply to Re: Therapy Termination Question » Veracity, posted by annierose on March 22, 2006, at 18:18:22
Hi Veracity and welcome!
i too will agree with the above posters. i think especially with a long relationship, termination should be talked about. maybe discussing reasons you would (should) stop, reasons you would go back. talk about feelings, talk about techniques to handle stress, etc.
i think of termination of therapy a bit like smoking, it takes a couple times till you're really ready to give it up.
;^)
b2c.
Posted by Rigby on March 23, 2006, at 9:58:04
In reply to Therapy Termination Question, posted by Veracity on March 22, 2006, at 14:45:46
Hi Veracity,
Yup, I' concur with the others too!
The only $.02 I'd add is that you may want to read a really good book on termination called, "When To Say Goodbye To Your Therapist." It's by Catherine Johnson. A quick read.
It's an excellent book whether you plan on terminating soon or not--good for anyone in therapy.
I think a big thing in therapy is rehearsing goodbyes--leaving the nest in a way. So testing the waters--quitting and coming back--rehearsing that you want to go and then you don't--seems natural.
I agree that your therapist might have made an error and read you wrong but this doesn't sound like a troubled relationship--one that just needs a little mending or communication from you.
This is a **great** learning and growth opportunity!
Best,
Rigby
Posted by Veracity on March 23, 2006, at 16:55:02
In reply to Re: Therapy Termination Question, posted by Rigby on March 23, 2006, at 9:58:04
Hey, thanks y'all for the kind words of support. While the end of my therapy weighs heavily on my mind, I can see myself starting to come to a place of acceptance. I still feel very discumbobulated and a bit shell-shocked at the suddenness of it all but I'm beginning to see things more clearly.
I think it's understandable that I feel sad and I'm going to let myself grieve the loss of this (very important!) relationship. It is, indeed, bittersweet. As much as I do want to call my therapist back and begin sessions again, I'm really going to try to forge ahead on my own and simply honor my feelings as I experience them. I figure there's ALWAYS a reason to be in therapy, but the goal of therapy (IMO) should be to learn to live in good health without it - to become your own voice-of-reason and to seek out support in friends and family. I have amassed some considerable coping skills over the past four years and now's the time to see if I can do it on my own.
So, I'm going to try a couple weeks on my own. If after that I still feel really lost or too sad, I'll call her or I'll maybe just seek out a new therapist just for one or two sessions to talk through my feelings.
But I figure I've got to give termination a chance, right?
Posted by orchid on March 23, 2006, at 17:54:17
In reply to Re: Therapy Termination Question, posted by Veracity on March 23, 2006, at 16:55:02
I think you should call her right now, and perhaps do a good and proper termination. Abrupt termination sucks, and it might end up bothering you more than you anticipate.
If you want to go on your own, I think that is fine, but before that, maybe you should go for couple of more sessions and then do a full fledged and proper termination. It will help you quite a bit.
Posted by Lynnie Mae on March 9, 2007, at 12:44:31
In reply to Re: Therapy Termination Question » Veracity, posted by orchid on March 23, 2006, at 17:54:17
I think you ought to seriously consider whether you are really ready to terminate and forge ahead on your own (if so, congratulations!) or if you are avoiding your therapist. Are you afraid of something?
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 9, 2007, at 17:50:45
In reply to Re: Therapy Termination Question, posted by Lynnie Mae on March 9, 2007, at 12:44:31
> I think you ought to seriously consider whether you are really ready to terminate and forge ahead on your own (if so, congratulations!) or if you are avoiding your therapist. Are you afraid of something?
Hi, I am IWS, welcome to babble.
This is an older thread you have posted on and you may or may not get a response as a result.
You can start a new thread by going to the bottom of the page and hitting the start a new thread button, or add to threads nearer the bottom of this page.
More and new ideas are welcome.
Take care.
Posted by widget on March 10, 2007, at 15:04:14
In reply to Re: Therapy Termination Question, posted by Veracity on March 23, 2006, at 16:55:02
To Veracity, This is in response to your most recent post where you seem change you mind and decide its good to give termination a chance. Yes, I would agree with that in principle but not in this particular. It sounds like a bad ending and therapy, which if it is good therapy, is such an important relationship, deserves a better ending. What I sense in your posts is ambivalence and I, too wonder, if you are afraid of something with your therapist. Perhaps just of being too close and dependent upon someone? I can surely relate to that. And, maybe I have a difficult time with your situation as I feel I would have to be pried away from my therapist literally. I cannot even think that there may be a time in my life that he is not in it and so I won't. Anyway, I agree with others who encourage you to talk to her again, even if it is to leave therapy with more closure. (Many therapists leave an opening for their clients to come back if need be even after "termination."--what a word!) Think it over; it may seem easier in the short term to just go away and you probably have some relief due to avoiding an awkward situation, seriously, so what? What can you possibly lose with another session? As you say, talking does help. Sincerely, widget
Posted by Susan47 on March 11, 2007, at 21:41:23
In reply to Therapy Termination Question, posted by Veracity on March 22, 2006, at 14:45:46
Testing.
This is the end of the thread.
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