Posted by Veracity on March 22, 2006, at 14:45:46
I know I'm new here (just signed up today) but I've read some of the archives and the recent threads and it seems like this might be the best place to find the answer to my question. Okay, so here goes...
I have been in therapy with the same therapist for about four years. I really like her, she is professional, patient, amazingly consistent and kind, and has offered me numerous tools and insights. Throughout the four years I have rarely ever looked at her, however, and I probably couldn't even really tell you what she looks like beyond the color of her hair or her general skin tone. I know I've been a difficult client for her. I was suicidal when I first started seeing her and although I've made vast improvements, I don't think I'll ever be a normal happy person and I know my pessimism is often difficult for her to deal with. Additionally, over the past four years I have stopped coming to therapy three different times for about 3 to 4 months at a time. I've always told her that I'm going to stop coming prior to quitting and while she's always been understanding and respectful of my wishes, I can tell she considers it a major set-back and a sign that I'm not committed to improving. In our weekly sessions, I hardly ever volunteer information and I say as little as possible. She works very hard to get me to open up and she's shared with me that she feels as though she walks a fine line between dictating how our sessions go and simply sitting there in silence for the entire hour. Despite all this, we have made real progress.
The last time I quit therapy, I came back a few months later with some specific goals in mind. This was around October of last year. We have met weekly since then and I have done a better job at talking in therapy and doing work outside of our sessions to improve. I have met the goals I set forth and her guidance has been instrumental in my doing so.
At our session two weeks ago, I mentioned that I had acheived all of the goals I had in mind when I returned to therapy. Immediately, my therapist asked me, "What are you telling me then?" I think she thought that I wanted to end therapy since 1. I had often used the idea of "I'm all better now" to stop therapy before and 2. I really had reached my goals and 3. because (as always) I was really resisting getting in to some deeper stuff about myself. At that time, I said I didn't mean anything by it (because in all honesty, I didn't - I certainly didn't want to end therapy) and we moved on.
Well, at this week's session, we talked about some general stuff for most of the hour and then the issue about my reaching my goals came up and she said in an exasperated tone, "I can guess what you're trying to tell me but I'd like you to state it." And I honestly *wasn't* thinking that I wanted to end therapy. What I was thinking was, Okay, I've reached these goals but I still feel a bit lost so what should I do now? But I knew that she was expecting me to say that I was ready to quit therapy. And I started to think that maybe that's what she *wanted* me to say. Because I certainly have not been the most delightful client and it was just so apparent that she wasn't expecting me to try to be different.
So I said I figured I should stop coming to therapy. And then she said, "Well, we don't have much time left today so is this what you really want?" And I just sat there because I have never in my life really ever known what it means to want something for myself. I am good at wanting to do what other people want but I don't even know what wanting something for myself would actually feel like. And this is exactly what we had been talking about in many ways for the past few weeks! So I didn't quite get what she was asking and I knew I only had a few moments to make my decision. So I started formulating an answer about maybe I could think about it and tell her the next week when she said, "So, are we meeting next week or not? You decide."
The impression I got was that she didn't want me to come back. (And I can hardly blame her! She's been infinitely patient with me over the past four years and I think she finally sees a way out as I have made marked improvements and don't really *need* therapy any longer). So I said, "I guess not." And she asked again, "Is that what you want?" And I said, "I think it is." And she then told me I could always call her if I needed to but otherwise goodbye.
And her "goodbye" is my cue to leave so I got up like usual, got my keys, and walked out like usual. And I just always thought that when you end therapy, you at least talk a little bit about how you feel about ending it? I know in the past when I've asked to take a break or when I've said I want to quit, she devoted at least half of a session to discussing the decision or scheduling a special session just to discuss the break or (supposed) end of our working together. Like she has in the past, she could have said, "Let's talk about this next week and make a decision then," but she didn't say that. So this has me so perplexed. It really makes me think that she was ready for our work to be done with.
And unlike any of the other times when I've stopped going, I *don't* feel relieved at all - I feel sad and I really want to go back and talk with her more. I at least want to tell her thank you and let her know that I appreciated her help and that she has been really important to me and that I will miss meeting with her. I wish I could have had at least 5 minutes to say all that. She probably would never expect it from me because I've never really engaged with her at all on a personal level, I guess I just am regretting it now.
So my question is, is there a standard protocol for terminating therapy? I am willing to accept that I don't need to meet with her any longer but is it normal to feel like I should have at least talked a little bit about how I felt about termination? I wrote her a one-page letter thanking her and letting her know that even though I never really showed it, I did appreciate being able to meet with her. I sent it today and I do feel better knowing that she will know how I really felt about our four years of therapy together.
I feel like I just got dumped, but in some weird way I was the one who "chose" to end the relationship. Like you devote all this energy and you become used to seeing someone every week and then -bang- it's just over, just like that. I guess I just need to process that. I am glad I found this site and I can tell just writing this out has helped. Writing the letter to my therapist helped too. And oddly enough, if I don't make it through these feelings of dislocation in a week or so, I may seek out a new therapist just to help process my feelings about my prior therapist - I *never* thought that would be something I'd consider! But one thing I've recently gotten through my thick skull is that talking really does help.
I would very much appreciate hearing from others about their termination experiences.
poster:Veracity
thread:623387
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/623387.html