![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on March 13, 2006, at 10:16:44
crazy week last week.
ok for the last couple weeks there's been this guy at work who is overly touchy-feely. when he sees me he B-lines' it over to me and starts rubbing my shoulders, rubbing my back, hand on thigh...etc. luckily my meds are working otherwise i'd probably curl up in a coma ball and never come out.
but i feel SO uncomfortable when this happens. it started a couple years ago and i don't see him that often, but he's in IT and when i do see him it's usually for a few days in a row. well, he's been around for the last 2 weeks. doing this.i finally told my DBT group, and the leader suggested i talk with my T about it. (mind you not really giving me any advice other than that.)
anyway, last wednesday i told T about this and kind of eluded to that my boundries s#ck and i dont' know if i'm overreacting or underreacting...well, her problem is she doesn't quite know how to act around me. it's VERY apparent. and i think my old T must have told her that i'm sensitive to hurting others. well when i told her about this work stuff, i commented that if i would see him doing this to others that i would be the first one up to stop it, but for me i just don't feel worth it. like i need to 'take one for the team' sort of mentality.
Anyway, she said a few things at first, but basiccally said that because i haven't said anything to him, he probably thinks it's ok to act this way to others. so because i haven't said anything to stop it he's probably doing this to others.i left there feeling horrible. i still didni't know if what he was doing was wrong, i didn't know how to stop it, and *now have the added guilt of being the main cause to him doing this to others.
i left feeling horrible. i barely got any sleep that night cuz i was worrying how i could help these others. luckily i had appt with pdoc the next day. i told him everything.
the first thing he said is that this is typical preditor behavior, secondly that it would only grow worse and i needed to stop it now, and when i asked about the 'others' he was very blunt and said, i don't care about the others, i just care about you, i only have a responsibility to you. and this can't continue.'in that one short sentence. he answered all my questions. it wasn't right for him to do this, i needed to stop it and here's how..., and that i wasn't to blame for others that i can't control what this guy does or doesn't do.
Man i miss my old T. he would have said just like pdoc did only i wouldn't have lost a nights sleep over this. and what if i hadn't seen pdoc? i just don't know.
b2c.
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on March 13, 2006, at 10:33:34
In reply to unwanted touch at work*trigger*, posted by B2chica on March 13, 2006, at 10:16:44
Go pdoc! I absolutely agree with what he said. What this person is doing is sexual harassment. There is no reason EVER to touch a coworker's thigh! It is not okay. I would encourage you to send a brief email (that way it is documented in writing if you need it in the future) telling him that it is not appropriate for him to touch you and you need him to keep a respectful, professional distance when speaking to you. Also say that if he does not stop, you will file a formal complaint with the company. In good news, businesses are now much more aware of the possibility that they could get sued abt this stuff. Therefore, they are much more likely to back you up if you need them.
But, I'm also sorry that your group and your T fell short in supporting you on this matter. Are you the type of person that could bring this up to your t? It sounds like you are experiencing a disconnect with her. How long have you been working together?
Best,
EE
Posted by B2chica on March 13, 2006, at 11:49:34
In reply to Re: unwanted touch at work*trigger*, posted by Emily Elizabeth on March 13, 2006, at 10:33:34
Hey EE.
my T left at the end of jan. so i've only seen this T about four times. not so much a disconnect but never really connected, no real good trust yet. sometimes i feel this T wanted to take me on cuz i'm this neat case that has abuse and csa issues and she wants to be the one that 'cures' me. you know the type. well, she's trying to hard. and her tactics are cr@p. so she needs some tips from my old T.and below i talk about superb@tch coming out, well she's here and i totally plan on bringing her misguided words up to her (new T). i am mad that she would try to use such a tactic with me and i won't tolerate it.
about the creepy guy at work, my pdoc also asked me if he's done this infront of people, i said yes, several. and pdoc was glad cuz it could turn out to be a he said/she said but since others saw it, it is in my favor. yay, for me.
thanks EE.
b2c.
Posted by Gee on March 13, 2006, at 12:28:37
In reply to Re: unwanted touch at work*trigger*, posted by B2chica on March 13, 2006, at 11:49:34
Hey B2C, could you do something like push his hand off and say, I don't feel comfortable? Guys can be weird. I'm sorry your T wasn't there for you. I'm glad you have a supportive pdoc. He sounds really nice. Let me know what you end up doing! I hope it all turns out okay for you
Posted by Damos on March 13, 2006, at 14:50:45
In reply to unwanted touch at work*trigger*, posted by B2chica on March 13, 2006, at 10:16:44
B2, this does constitute sexual harassment under most current workplace laws.
The first step is to be clear to him in the presence of others that this behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable and that you want him to stop. Word it however you like but be very clear that it is unacceptable to you.
Speak to your supervisor or HR dept so that they are aware of what is going on. You have an absolute right not to be made feel uncomfortable at work. Your Pdoc was absolutely right, you are not responsible for his doing this to others. Do what you need to do to look after you first, you may find that the outcomes of that cascade into helping the others too.
Take care B2 and know it was nothing you did that brought this on. It can be really hard to know what to do in these situations so don't blame yourself okay.
Damos
Posted by sleepygirl on March 13, 2006, at 20:34:26
In reply to unwanted touch at work*trigger*, posted by B2chica on March 13, 2006, at 10:16:44
You know I have felt similar to you when someone crossed my boundaries...and I became incredibly preoccupied and felt like crap because I felt like it was my fault :-( and also because I didn't do the "right thing" and also feeling sooo bad because I didn't know right away how to deal with it and felt confused, and why didn't I know, and on and on- I really hate that feeling, and I REALLY sympathize. I wish I could take that feeling away from you. :-(
Thank goodness for that pdoc telling it like it is, just what I need to hear sometimes ;-) the blame certainly does not belong to you
Posted by muffled on March 13, 2006, at 21:26:17
In reply to unwanted touch at work*trigger*, posted by B2chica on March 13, 2006, at 10:16:44
your work is not done.
I only worked low end jobs, but surprizingly I've had a coupla instances with harassment. Tried words. Didn't work.
So one guy I kicked and yelled at and said I gonna tell his wife.
Other guy I elbowed him as he was going yet again for my knee, REALLY hard. HA! He had to sit down, I think he almost puked. HA! And his wife was working there too, so there wasn't much he could say!!!
So I say, if after a civilized reminder, someone continues to get physical w/you, just give it back twice as hard and make it hurt!
Worked for me.
Guess the other option is to pull aknife on him when your alone and there's no cameras around, tell him whats gonna happen if he touches you again.
I dunno what you do. So maybe this isn't civilized for fancy jobs.
Thats what I would do anyways.....
Hope the guy gets the picture soon.
Wish I could send Tx2 over and then we could really put the squeezeon the guy. HA!
Later.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on March 13, 2006, at 21:31:00
In reply to Hey super B » B2chica, posted by muffled on March 13, 2006, at 21:26:17
hey I was reading my post. If you have any criminal history w/weapons, better to skip the knife, could come back at ya later if anyone saw.
God i am SO stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
I should die.
Sigh.
WTF.
I never give up.........
Sorry,
Muffled
Posted by fairywings on March 13, 2006, at 22:30:37
In reply to Re: unwanted touch at work*trigger*, posted by Emily Elizabeth on March 13, 2006, at 10:33:34
Pdoc is completely right! Yes, it's wrong! No you shouldn't feel responsible - he's an adult, he's completely to blame for acting out. He is a predator!
I hope you can tell your T she didn't do you any favors, or what she said wasn't helpful - even if you have to put it in writing.
Maybe ask the co-worker how he feels about sexual harrassment.....see if he gets the point. But I'm glad your pdoc gave you better advice.
Don't take one for the team b2, pretend you're standing up for a really close friend! ; ) And then feel good for saving yourself from him!
fw
Posted by fairywings on March 13, 2006, at 22:37:04
In reply to Re: unwanted touch at work*trigger* » Emily Elizabeth, posted by fairywings on March 13, 2006, at 22:30:37
Posted by B2chica on March 14, 2006, at 9:01:41
In reply to Hey super B » B2chica, posted by muffled on March 13, 2006, at 21:26:17
Hey muff.
i feel like kneeing him in the nads. my job isn't so fancy and quite frankly the people i work with would probably join in.
it's weird though cuz i know what i should do but actually executing it is the difficult part. see i don't work with him all the time. and so i don't see him for months on end. then if he's around its for a few days or so.
and he just finished up with our offices so i won't see him for a while again. so i feel i don't have any right to complain, or need to cuz he's gone for now.and you are NOT stupid...i like your advice. keep it coming.
b2c.
Posted by joslynn on March 15, 2006, at 11:46:35
In reply to unwanted touch at work*trigger*, posted by B2chica on March 13, 2006, at 10:16:44
What he is doing IS wrong and I am suprised that in this day and age of lawsuit, sexual harrassment, etc. he still does it.
If you work for a company that is more than a few people, you probably have a sexual harassment policy. Do you have an employee handbook or anything else from personnel you got when you were hired?
If you work for a big corporation, most definitely they should have a printed policy against this.
The good thing about a policy is, you don't have to go into details about your boundaries, why it especially upsets you, etc. If he is going against their policy, he is going against their policy, period, and should stop it immediately.
I know a lot of us on this site may be overly sensitive to certain things, but in this case, I think your discomfort is extrememly normal, regardless of your personal history.
He is the one who is wrong, and not only that, but quite foolish. I'm sure there are lots of other IT people who would be more than happy to take his job if he got fired, especially in this day of outsourcing.
I would tell personell or your human resources department.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.