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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on March 10, 2006, at 2:07:55
Today was my first midterm, after 15 years away from school. Yes, I got totally stressed about it. And I walked out and felt pretty OK.
For a while.
Now I'm stressing again, "OMG! What if I really do miss the five questions the instructor told me EVERYONE was going to miss? That would be 10% right there -- I wouldn't have an A! What were the questions? Was I being overconfident when I thought I did OK?"
That's what we talked about in therapy yesterday, why I do that? Why I can't just let it go -- why, an hour after turning in the exams, I am still saying, "I should have checked everything over one more time."
I think it's partly a sort of talisman: if I do that, and I worry, and I stress, then it will be OK, because in the past when I've twisted myself up this way, it has been OK. If I don't get crazy with upset, then it won't be OK. If I ADMIT to having confidence in how I've done, then the universe will slap me down, in some terrible way.
It goes back to what I wrote about yesterday -- that it's almost as though I have to zero out my confidence somehow. Because if I were to be totally honest -- mostly I think I did well on this exam. There were two or three questions I was unsure about, but otherwise -- I think I probably got every other question right, and I have a one in four chance of getting those two or three right just by chance. (Multiple choice.) But even typing that, I'm getting a bit nauseous. And I'm feeling as though my superstitious anxiety is ramping itself up awfully quickly. As if,somehow, my having that confidence, my stating that I think I did well, will make all my little marks disappear, and my test come back with a D, instead of an A. (Although, frankly, I think I'd freak out if I got a B, let alone a D. And if I freaked out over a B, I think GG would fly to California to slap me!)
Can anyone else relate? That sort of superstitious sense that something really awful would happen if you admitted confidence, even to yourself?
Or have I finally found a way to be unique? lol
Posted by pegasus on March 10, 2006, at 9:30:36
In reply to About not letting go after the fact, posted by Racer on March 10, 2006, at 2:07:55
Racer,
It sounds like I have a lot of the same issues that you have. This is exactly how I used to be in school. It actually got a lot better when I got on the right meds, but it still happens.
I remember one time in therapy a couple of years ago I was describing this type of anxiety over a talk I had to give for work. We explored what the anxiety was really about, because obviously it wasn't going to be a problem to anyone else if I didn't do a perfect job. At one point my T said it would be great if my motivation to work on the talk could just be the benefit of the people listening. You know, just give a good talk so they can learn what I have to say. Instead of my motivation being all about how the talk could define me (to myself) as a success or failure, or worthless or stupid.
That has really stuck with me since then for some reason. I've tried to identify what the healthy motivation might be for all of the things that cause me anxiety now. Such as, in your example, maybe taking this class would just be about you learning the subject. Not so much about a grade validating your potential/intelligence/worth (or more to the point, invalidating them). In that case, you could make a mistake on the test, and as long as you understood what the mistake was, you would still have accomplished a very reasonable personal objective in taking the class (i.e., learning), and the whole episode would be considered successful.
Wouldn't that be nice? It's something I've decided to aspire to.
(BTW, I don't mean to be criticizing you, but I can see it might sound that way. I understand how it is to think about grades that way, because that's how I think about them.)
peg
Posted by Gee on March 10, 2006, at 13:15:51
In reply to About not letting go after the fact, posted by Racer on March 10, 2006, at 2:07:55
I use to do that until I stopped caring. In uni it doesn't really matter what your grades are. They don't define you. Only you can define what you are and who you are. How I wish I could A's. I'm sure you did just fine. And remember the world won't come crashing down if you don't get an A. Too many people have lived through it before ;)
Posted by Racer on March 10, 2006, at 20:50:00
In reply to Re: About not letting go after the fact » Racer, posted by Gee on March 10, 2006, at 13:15:51
> In uni it doesn't really matter what your grades are. And remember the world won't come crashing down if you don't get an A. Too many people have lived through it before ;)
LoL! You see, my college GPA is pretty high, and I am a bit obsessive/compulsive, so it does feel as though the world will fly off its axis if I don't get an A.
That's a major topic in therapy right now, especially since I signed up for these classes. Why I not only get so overstressed by the grade thing, and not only get obsessed by *needing* to get an A, but can't put the whole test away after I leave the campus. Why can't I just say -- OK, I can and do say this to myself, but why can't I actually listen to it? -- "There's no point in worrying about it now, because I can't change anything."
Oh, and I finally figured out the school's system, so that I could get my grade, and showed my husband. He said, "Top 8? Guess you'll have to work harder." I really can't tell if he was joking or not -- especially since my husband's insecure wife thought the same thing, "How can I only be in the top 8? What will I have to do to get to the TOP?" (Answer: something which does not involve nudity. I'm also having a wicked case of the fats today, if anyone cares...)
So, I do know that it's not helpful to obsess about this sort of thing, but somehow it's almost like a ritual: gotta stress about it, because otherwise the score will be too low...
Has anyone ever gotten over that? I'm a middle aged woman, who really isn't going to have any practical benefit from these classes. At this point, finishing my degree won't affect my ability to get a job -- it's only for my own enjoyment, for personal enrichment. So, why do I really care about my GPA? I'm the only one it can actually matter to.
(OK. Except my mother. And it galls her that my GPA is higher than hers -- I know it does. Machts nichts that I haven't finished my degree, that I have significant psychiatric problems -- but matters that I have that higher GPA. So, maybe there is something there.)
Still, I want to work on getting over this part of it...
Posted by Gee on March 11, 2006, at 1:44:46
In reply to Re: About not letting go after the fact » Gee, posted by Racer on March 10, 2006, at 20:50:00
Oh Racer, school is tough eh? Espcially all the worries that go with it. Congrats on being in the top 8 of your school. That is amazing!!! You must be brillant! So, why does getting such a high GPA matter to YOU. Is it to show up your mother?
I have gotten over it. In highschool (which was only a couple years ago) my grades were everythign to me. I worked so hard to get the grades taht I did. I can't say they were all where I wanted them to be, but I tried hard. I did most of it to show my parents that I was smart enough. I would worry over tests, over homework, over everything. I couldn't let it go. Now (2 years later), I'm really not all that concerned if I don't get my homework done. It's not for marks, and I know I'll do it later.
Why do you hang on? Is there a way you could try and focus the negetive energy into something positive? Something to get your mind off the test and what not?
This is the end of the thread.
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