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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by barna on February 24, 2006, at 4:43:18
Hi all of you who are reading. I'm writing from Spain and my English is not perfect, sorry for that, I had never expressed my feelings in a foreign language and it's kind of weird. That said, thanks for this site and your postings, they have helped me a lot to understand some things that have been happening to me recently, and I don't feel so rare now.
I'm 27 years old, I'm gay, and I started therapy one year and a half ago because my 5-year relationship was arriving to its end and I couldn't finish it. We did couple therapy for some months until we arrived to the conclusion that best thing for my ex-partner and I was to finish our relationship. She ended therapy and I continued it with my therapist, but after some months my ex restarted therapy with the same therapyst. I told my therapyst that I didn't think it was a good idea that she had both of us as clients, but she finally said this wouldn't interfere with my therapy process. But I think in some way it does, although I accept her decision.
During some time until now I've been experimenting strong positive transference feelings towards my therapist and this is creating me much pain, although I now know that it is part of the growth. I wonder if my ex is experimenting the same, and I wonder if this transference feelings "always" happen. I don't know much how to deal with it. I told my therapyst what I was feeling for her, and she said it was normal, and that I shouldn't worry about it. But I can't avoid feeling bad and stupid because I have very strong feelings towards a person I will probably never have the chance to know deeply. This is very frustrating, because I think she is a very interesting person and I would like to have a personal and real relationship with her. I told her I loved her very much, and she told me she loved me as well. I need to hugh her, to touch her, and I know this has to do with my current needs, so I feel bad.
I've cried a lot and although she has helped me a lot and I have learnt much in our sessions, I'm thinking about terminating the therapy, because it's painful and I feel stupid. I don't know what to do. I will see her next week to talk about this and I don't know what is the best to do.
I am confused, some feedback would be helpul.
Thanks for being there and allowing me to say all this, it's very important for me.
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2006, at 9:26:26
In reply to I feel stupid, posted by barna on February 24, 2006, at 4:43:18
Hello and welcome!
Please don't feel stupid. Many people here found this board researching this exact same issue.
You might see at the beginning of the board a book called "In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists". I've found it to be the best book on the topic, full of insights and sharing experiences that will help you normalize what you're feeling. If it's available where you are, I'd really recommend it.
I'm glad you told your therapist and that she reacted well to your disclosure. I think that's the key issue, and she can help you decide what's best for you at this point. Have you worked through the issues that brought you to therapy? Are your feelings for her representative of other relationships you've had so that working through the tranference would be useful to your life?
Those are all things to discuss with your therapist so that you can decide on the best course of action for *you*.
Posted by pegasus on February 24, 2006, at 11:15:43
In reply to I feel stupid, posted by barna on February 24, 2006, at 4:43:18
Hi barna, and welcome. So many of us have been in a similar place. I think it's great that you're discussing the issue openly with your T. It's not stupid at all! It's just something that happens. And, no, it doesn't always happen. But it is very common. I've experienced strong attachment to one T, and not at all to another that I've done almost as much work with. I'm still trying to figure out what it meant, and what I would want in the future. I agree that it can be really helpful to write about it here, and read what others say about their experiences.
peg
Posted by barna on February 25, 2006, at 5:09:21
In reply to Re: I feel stupid, posted by pegasus on February 24, 2006, at 11:15:43
Hi Dinah and Peg, thanks for your answers.
As to your questions, Dinah, the issues that brought me to therapy were the attachment problems I had (and still have, I think) with my ex. I couldn't finish a relationship that was not healthy and that was just hurting me. I was emotionally attached to her, and I think I am now projecting these feelings to my T. I think I still need to work through it much more. And yes, what I'm feeling now for my T is very representative of other relationships I had, but I don't know what this means, if it is good or bad.
I will discuss it next week with her, since we only talked about it once three months ago, because I have been trying to hide these feelings for her lately.
I will try to get the book you recommend, it seems very interesting and helpful.
Posted by Dinah on February 25, 2006, at 10:40:20
In reply to Re: I feel stupid, posted by barna on February 25, 2006, at 5:09:21
I think that if transference issues are typical issues for you, then where better to work them out than in therapy?
Posted by barna on February 25, 2006, at 11:08:20
In reply to Re: I feel stupid » barna, posted by Dinah on February 25, 2006, at 10:40:20
I don't know if this is typical on me, I guess so, and I don't know how this has to be worked out in therapy either, this is all new to me and I am so confused... I have a mess of feelings... and I don't know if falling in love with my T helps... Do you think it helps? I hope so...
Posted by pegasus on February 25, 2006, at 15:30:25
In reply to Re: I feel stupid, posted by barna on February 25, 2006, at 11:08:20
I think it *can* help. I think having a strong attachment sometimes can be the thing that helps you stick with it when things get tough. Also, it's what helps give courage to take big risks in therapy. And, in my experience, it enhances the feeling progress when you do. Working with a T that I had strong feelings for was more motivating for me, for sure. I think I got a whole lot more therapy done in that context.
good luck!
peg
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