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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by James K on February 13, 2006, at 13:36:06
Don't read this please. It's a free world, but why put yourself in my head? I just need to free associate for a couple of minutes. I just reread this again. Don't take it seriously. I had bad feelings and they came out because I'm stressed. The background is the logistics and likelihood of entering a psychiatric hospital. By many standards it would be proper. And to the several who've made their feelings clear to me on this, I apologize for wavering and going over the same issues once again. I'm not looking for reassurance, just personal perspective.
3 times in the last 3 weeks, I said enough. Help me. 3 times I got the run around. I have insurance. I've done the things that show they can take me. Now I don't want to anymore. It's such short window. When I say okay, they have to believe me. Do they think I'm alright? do they think I ask for help for the hell of it? I don't ask anybody for anything. It hurts me to say I can't do this. If a tear runs down my face today, I out the door, and I am raging. The nice Vietnamese lady at the liqour store never says call me tomorrow. She never say "I'm out of whiskey today" "We don't have any help for you" she says "Enjoy your afternoon." she will sell me cigarellos and pocket bottles and If I spend more than 10 dollars, she will let me use a credit card. I'm so sick of this house. I'm so sick. I'm not going to physical doctor tomorrow. I'll go to eye doctor wednesday and get final okay on my sight. I'm not paying for anymore prescriptions. I'll through away all that repirdal and seroquel and taper out the welbutrin xl, then the welbutrin sr, and break the lamictals in half. and take my last klonopins, and I'll just walk. I can walk all day. The sun will feel good. Being tired will feel good. I wish my wife would go spend a week on vacation, and someone would come take care of the cats and I could just walk all day and night. I have a jacket if it gets cold at night. I don't eat much. I have expensive shoes for people who spend all day working at retail. My feet can hold up to anything. I want somebody to step in front of me and bump into me. I want somebody to say "Hey white boy to me" Or "let me see some i.d." I want to walk into places and look everybody in the face.I asked for help. I did my part. I'm not going to crawl not for them. We can have a contest will the bones in my hands splinter before the bones in your face. I can't stand these emotions anymore. I'm going back to the ones that make sense.
I'm not going to do anything. I'll just keep waiting for something that will never happen. Last night I thought maybe I'll try dbt while I'm there. They didn't give me a chance last time. If someone rushes you, and your knee misses, you can lay on your back and hold their head against your chest and put your legs behind their back and hold them there while you thumb their eyes and pull his ears and try to get an arm. It is just as easy to punch him in the eye from the ground. just don't let him drop an elbow on you. If you sprawl, and make him miss the shoot, you can do whatever you want to him. Hard to soft, Soft to hard.
I don't want this for me. I want somebody to say it doesn't have to go around in my head all day. I don't have to see black. I can stop the pictures but I cant turn off the voice. I can see this screen ican see out the window, My wife is in my periphial vision. Music is right in front of me. I'm typing as fast as I can. I'm almost numb, when I'm on welbutrin, I cant get numb. I can't sleep anymore in the day. I can barely sleep at night. Please leave me alone.
If I said I want to go in the hospital and I was covered in blood and an abulance picked me up off of the street, and they told me to go home? What else was I supposed to do? Keep fighting? That was my last fight. I surrended. I used a deadly weapon and won. I gave away my little knife, all I have left is the big one.
If I put this on the net, someone may be negatively influenced. Someone else may say I'm sick of his BS. tell me something I don't know. Where am I supposed to tell it. I wrote my whole history for my last non hospital pdoc and she said not sure what you have yet here's 10 days of what you're on. 150 dollars for 10 days meds. Why did I mail you my whhole f*cking history and psych records a week ahead? I don't need to read david burns feeling good. My last nonhospital therapissed. I now say stop saying such mean things you've rerouted your brain receptors so now reroute them. I'm great. I'm the king of the universe. That's grandiose, no it's positive, you're a liar, that's an urealistic bad self talk, but it was a lie, ergo, I am a liar. I will fail. why would you say that. All fail, then arent' you all? why are you special. I'm not special then. That's negative self talk. So's that. So was that. Write it down. Can it be used against me in a court of law? Why would it? because If I keep arguing with the voices in my heard, I may too busy to act like a decent person.
All this because I'm too scared to make a phone call and get rejected for the fourth time. And I hate it in those places, so why is it so hard to get in? If I wanted that bad, I wouldn't need it. I havent suffered enough. I should go suffer some more. Dead is too low of a bottom.
I just reread this. I'm not sure if I'm making things up. I'm sorry. I'm melodramatic. it's not that big of a deal, I'm just having a hard time making up my mind.
James
Posted by B2chica on February 13, 2006, at 13:47:28
In reply to Why won't they help me I asked*trigger* rant, posted by James K on February 13, 2006, at 13:36:06
you sound as confused as me, maybe more so. your sentences read left and right views all the way through.
i'm sorry you're getting the run around. i got that too at the hospitals, but i was lucky enough to have a T and pdoc that would tell me-go and i'd tell the staff that and no problem. one time though i couldn't decide and my T suggested i could call. well all she said was that i should be ok, but before i act i should call again. but i probably won't need to come in. well i ended up going and she treated me horribly. she recognized my voice cuz she said first of "so...you decided to come in huh?" then she made me do a strip search kinda thing, i was humiliated and bawled the whole time it was horrible.
but i have had good experiences there too.sometimes i wish i'd do something to break the law...i want a cop to come and cuff me and let me fight him every inch of the way, sometimes i feel that's the only way i'd get someone to come that close to protecting me or taking care of me. to feel the warmth of a body that close to me, making me do what i know i need to do.
sounds nuts huh. can't explain it but it's a strong wish/feeling.you sound like you're hurting james. can i be here for you?
sometimes another aspect of me comes out and i'll try not to let her post to you cuz she's scared and becoming bitter.
but i can sypathize with your torment.just know we are here for you.
cares
b2c.
Posted by muffled on February 13, 2006, at 13:58:48
In reply to Re: Why won't they help me I asked*trigger* rant, posted by B2chica on February 13, 2006, at 13:47:28
Sorry you so confused James.
I think you think like me sometimes. Its weird how I can read your stuff and get it.
Just try and stay reasonably safe.
Try not to get yourself in jail, that would majorly suck.
I walk ALOT.
I listen on headphones alot.
Do you have anyone you trust to help you sort out your meds?
Just be safe ok?
I like you James.
Muffled
Posted by B2chica on February 13, 2006, at 15:43:09
In reply to Re: Why won't they help me I asked*trigger* rant, posted by muffled on February 13, 2006, at 13:58:48
>>Its weird how I can read your stuff and get it.
ya, me too muff. i'm a scattered thinker and i write like i think...we must be like that. there's just so much going on...ya know?
> Just try and stay reasonably safe.
> Try not to get yourself in jail, that would majorly suck.> Just be safe ok?
> Just be safe ok?> I like you James.
> I like you James.ditto muff and James.
Posted by James K on February 13, 2006, at 18:05:50
In reply to Re: Why won't they help me I asked*trigger* rant, posted by B2chica on February 13, 2006, at 15:43:09
thank you chica and muffy. I read what you said before I left the house. My wife went shopping on her day off. I went for a walk . I put on the big sunglasses and the denim jacket and the big knife and went around the corner to the store. I got wild turkey and cohiba dominican cigar. I walked down the street and went into the woods. In my city, there are always some woods. I listended to the birds, rats, rabbits, and maybe bums. I sent out the signal - I am here come up. I can let you finish my cigar, you can't have any of my Wild Turkey, but I'll talk to you or maybe you'll get out of line. That's why I came here. it's my hood too. I walk down the street and look the cops in the eye. when I get the walk sign, I go, I dare them to turn in front of me. I'm so violent in spirit. I'm okay now. I told my wife, I will go in. So what's new? How can I tell them at the rest home that I'm a f*cked up ready to go way wrong dude. They think I'm full of sh*t, and I'm on my best behavior. If I hurt someone real bad right off the start, will I get treatment based upon my head, not my demeanor? I've never been diagnosed DID or MPD, but I do lose time, and and when the adrenaline flows, it's all gone. I walk down any street anywhere, any time. How can I call myself a man if I don't. But I agreed again to do what i have to. I'm going to stay drunk for 2 more days and wednesday afternoon or thursday morning, I will be in a long term treatment program. My wife is a many year legal secretary and knows top attorneys in town. She will make it happen . I just wanted when I said now, that that would be enough.
I have personalities, but not like mpd, I've never figured out inner child, but I love Alice MIller and Andrew Vachss, they are my heroes. They tell the truth. I'm rambling again, sorry. (I listent to this album called "the liberitines" by the l*bertines almost every day right now) (that and minx by leatherface) music helps, guitar helps, singing helps.
thanks you two b2 and muffled for today. So many others before and since also. YOu know who you are, so do I. I don't forget, and it is going to happen, just not as easy and quick as we thought.
love to all,
James K
Posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2006, at 21:03:00
In reply to I got back home, posted by James K on February 13, 2006, at 18:05:50
Okay but don't hurt anyone, I wish you wouldn't hurt yourself either. I wish you didn't have to try so hard to get someone to understand, I wish the days away, James K, you keep observing, keep observing who you can be and who you really are, I don't understand what you're going through but I care about what happens to you, and lots of others do as well, keep talking (((James K)))
Posted by B2chica on February 14, 2006, at 8:55:15
In reply to I got back home, posted by James K on February 13, 2006, at 18:05:50
hey j. you sound like you are REALLY hurting right now. please just take one day at a time. the drinking can't be very good for you. maybe take some dishes and throw them on concrete? will that make you feel better? but my best advice is to channel it, make your anger and hurt useful. do you sculpt, paint or draw? other stuff? excersize?
for some reason i'm really drawn to you and want to help you so badly, but i don't know how.
it may s@ck going into that treatment plan but give it a chance. maybe it can really help.never asked if you are on medication, maybe that's a concern, maybe some of the drugs you're on are making you angry, irritable.
actually i know when i don't take my zyprexa that's how i get...Everything p!sses me off.please take care and write back when you can.
((((((((((((james)))))))))))))
b2c.
Posted by fairywings on February 14, 2006, at 23:31:46
In reply to Why won't they help me I asked*trigger* rant, posted by James K on February 13, 2006, at 13:36:06
Sucks that they don't understand james, and it shouldn't be so hard to get treatment, it should be there when you need it, and it sounds like you need someone to help you now. maybe send your post to pdoc, how could they not see your pain and torment. how could they refuse to help you.
fw
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