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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Voce on February 10, 2006, at 1:42:00
I cried most of the evening and just sobbed for a long time in the shower. Now I'm crying more and I can't really see the screen or anything. I feel so rotten, so terrible, so alone. I am stressed because T2 hasn't replied to my e-mail yet and I'm so so scared that maybe all that time I spent in therapy was meaningless. I'm crying because my fiance and I can't agree on ANYTHING this week. And I feel so alone, like I want to just crawl into a warm hole and not go to work or anything, just be alone.
I want to go to the forest with Damos and Muffled. Actually, there is this aquarium near where I live that has a huge fish roundabout where all the fish just swim in a huge circle around you, and you stand in the middle of the room. It's so quiet, and when I went there I felt so safe and enveloped, like I wanted to curl up and go to sleep there because the fish would just keep swimming, and surrounding me. It felt like they had all this quiet energy and wisdom that made the quietness nurturing and safe. And I could close my eyes and just *be* there, with the fish and all those thousands of tiny beating hearts and breathing lungs that somehow all swim together, in perfect conjunction. I have felt that way so very few times. T1 was the only person I have ever felt that with. I want to feel that again.
What I just wrote makes very little sense. I'm sorry to be sucking up all the Babble energy. I feel guilty that I ask for so much here and never give. I think I better go to sleep now because this day isn't going to improve on itself.
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on February 10, 2006, at 9:06:14
In reply to I can't stop crying, posted by Voce on February 10, 2006, at 1:42:00
First, hugs. (((Voce)))
Whoa! How could all of the time you spent in therapy be meaningless? I KNOW you have talked about healing and growth in therapy. Please don't forget that. What you are going through now is really cr*ppy, but the situation is far from over. Things can still work out in a way that feels comfortable to you.
Re: wedding. Let me reiterate what others have said. There is soooo much disagreement and conflict for EVERYONE. When wedding things get intense, you might just step back for a while. Say to yourself, I'm going to put this on hold until tomorrow. Do you do any chat boards for people planning weddings? I used to like theknot.com (about 3 yrs ago). It really helps you feel like all brides are stressing and going crazy and it is NOT just you. Check it out, I think it might be helpful.
Take care of yourself and post later today to let us know how you are doing.
Best,
EE
Posted by pegasus on February 10, 2006, at 9:37:25
In reply to I can't stop crying, posted by Voce on February 10, 2006, at 1:42:00
I think what you wrote makes a lot of sense. Your description of the fish swimming around making a safe place is beautiful. I'm glad you shared that.
And please don't feel bad for asking for help here, no matter how often you need it. That's what babble is for. I can't speak for all of babble, and I definitely don't participate as much as I'd like to. But I'm glad to listen to you, and offer whatever help I can. Truly, and however often.
(((voce)))
peg
Posted by muffled on February 10, 2006, at 9:53:48
In reply to I can't stop crying, posted by Voce on February 10, 2006, at 1:42:00
We learn from all this crazy sh*t in our lives. Sucks majorly at the time. But we moving ahead so longs we learning. Sorry its hard for you.
Can you visit the fish?
I love aquariums too.
Thanks for the image of the fish all around. I'm gonna use that image too if you don't mind. Thanks for that.
Muffled
Posted by happyflower on February 10, 2006, at 11:31:55
In reply to I can't stop crying, posted by Voce on February 10, 2006, at 1:42:00
((((((VOCe))))) I remember when I was planing my wedding. Nobody wanted what I wanted, and it was MY wedding. Well you want to know what I did? I deceided to elope! Yup! I have never regretted it either! I called the pastor and who we were doing premaritail counceling with and he agree to marry us in the church with just the best man and maid of honor.
It is the most stressful thing and it stinks becasue you feel like you should be happy for being in love. I hope you are stonger than me, I couldn't deal with it at all.
I am sure you will here from your T soon. Keep your chin up, you will be okay. :-)
Posted by B2chica on February 10, 2006, at 13:10:53
In reply to I can't stop crying, posted by Voce on February 10, 2006, at 1:42:00
((((voce)))))
i'm so sorry everything is so crazy for you right now. but you really are strong and can get through it even if you have to take it minute by minute.i'm afraid i don't have any wisdom....but is sounds like the fish do. i'd say go there, if you can't, then take some time out and just remember what you can of them, how you feel there.
You WILL get through this...keep saying it. and come here anytime you can for support.
best wishes
b2c.
Posted by Voce on February 10, 2006, at 13:21:02
In reply to Re: I can't stop crying, posted by B2chica on February 10, 2006, at 13:10:53
I called in sick and said I wasn't feeling well. Which isn't too far from the truth.
I feel guilty for taking this "mental health day", and I'm scared I'm going to want to do this every Friday. I had projects and stuff waiting for me at work, and I'm kind of feeling a mixture of relief and horror that I'm shirking my responsibilities for one day (although the office won't collapse without me).
I'm going to try to refocuse, relax and recharge today. If my T writes back today then at least I won't be at work reading it.
I really appreciate everyone's responses. They really make me feel better. I'll reply to each one of you when I can.
Posted by muffled on February 10, 2006, at 14:04:11
In reply to I didn't go to work today, posted by Voce on February 10, 2006, at 13:21:02
> I feel guilty for taking this "mental health day", and I'm scared I'm going to want to do this every Friday. I had projects and stuff waiting for me at work, and I'm kind of feeling a mixture of relief and horror that I'm shirking my responsibilities for one day (although the office won't collapse without me).
>
> I'm going to try to refocuse, relax and recharge today. If my T writes back today then at least I won't be at work reading it.**Good for you!!
And don't feel bad. You got lots on your plate. Can you go see the fish? Or tell us more bout the fish? LOVE the fish thing.
I'm sorry I don't remember stuff, but is there ANY possibility of you calling T2 back? Like as not she proly wouldn't mind.
But I dunno.
Just for me, I worry and worry bout calling cuz I don't want to be a pest, and then when I do connect w/T she's usu. just nice as can be. Sometimes she may seem a little distant cuz she doing other things or got stuff on her mind whatever. But she not got mad at me YET!
Anyhow, you take care youself, sometimes we need to do just that.
Don't wannna end up wingnut like me!!!!
Ha!
Muffled
Posted by 10derHeart on February 10, 2006, at 21:07:06
In reply to I can't stop crying, posted by Voce on February 10, 2006, at 1:42:00
Posted by fairywings on February 10, 2006, at 22:14:34
In reply to I can't stop crying, posted by Voce on February 10, 2006, at 1:42:00
(((voce))) I hate that feeling of not hearing and feeling up in the air. The aquarium sounds awesome, sounds like a great place to go when you're feeling bad. Maybe you can go and see if it helps. I hope you have good dreams, and feel better when you wake up.
fw
Posted by Damos on February 10, 2006, at 22:52:42
In reply to I can't stop crying, posted by Voce on February 10, 2006, at 1:42:00
Hi Voce :-)
Of course you can come to the forest, we'd so love you to come. Do you think between us we could get 10 to come too, and Tamar and GG and anyone else who'd like to come?
I've actually just got off the phone with Dumbledore and he said we can use the Night Bus anytime we like to get babblers together at our special places, and that Hagrid would be happy to come and help look after the kids and generally watch over us and handle any magical critter issues we might have.
Your aquarium sounds wonderful, do you think they'd let us do a sleep over sometime? Do you get to go there much? Bet Muffled's kids would love it.
Don't you worry none about what you take from here okay. We don't need more from you than your simply being here with us. And we give out of love and caring - not out of expectation. Just be with us how and when you can, and that will always be enough. You give plenty Voce, you do.
I wish that feeling of safety for you Voce, I really do. Hope it comes real soon.
((((((((((Voce))))))))))
Posted by LadyBug on February 11, 2006, at 1:19:32
In reply to I didn't go to work today, posted by Voce on February 10, 2006, at 13:21:02
(((((((VOCE)))))))
I hope this finds you feeling a little better. It's ok to take a day for yourself. It means you care enough about yourself to do what you need to do. Work will wait, it always does. Maybe you needed this break from work. I do hope you hear back from your T. that is so frustrating. My T., after many years of working with her, has finally realized when she responds to me I do so much better. When she doesn't, all I do is wonder why, and I have negative thoughts going through my head. I don't need that as this is how I was treated as a child. I have abandonment and seperation issues so a responce helps me grow.
Here'a huge hug for ya, hope your feeling better.
LadyBug
Posted by Voce on February 11, 2006, at 2:25:13
In reply to Re: I can't stop crying » Voce, posted by Emily Elizabeth on February 10, 2006, at 9:06:14
Thanks again, EE. You're right about therapy. I heard back from T2 and she wasn't mad at me but didn't apologize for talking about me, either. She just assured me that T1 doesn't think I'm a crazy psycho for wanting my records. And while she respects that I don't want to talk about it anymore, she is willing to meet with me to do so. I don't want to see her right now. But I don't feel as bad anymore about all my previous work with both of them, because I know it all means a lot and I can still draw on it, even if I'm mad at both of them.
As for wedding stuff, I sometimes to lurk around theknot.com, but don't post. There are some crazy brides there, and I always kind of prided myself on how I "wasn't one of them." Well, turns out that sometimes I feel just as crazy. Isn't wedding planning on the top 5 most stressful events list?? If it's not, it should be.
Thanks for the support and hugs. It means a lot.
Voce
Posted by Voce on February 11, 2006, at 2:27:10
In reply to Re: I can't stop crying, posted by pegasus on February 10, 2006, at 9:37:25
Peg, you are so kind. I really hate to admit it when I need something from people, but you gave me the permission to be needy and I thank you.
Hope you and the darling wee one are doing well.
Voce
Posted by Voce on February 11, 2006, at 2:33:34
In reply to Re: I can't stop crying, posted by happyflower on February 10, 2006, at 11:31:55
Happy, I don't blame you for eloping!!!! That can sometimes be the braver thing to do, when everyone is expecting you to have a big wedding with everyone included.
DF and I talked a lot about eloping or at least having a small wedding, and with our huge families it would have been a "small" wedding of 160 people. So we decided to just invite friends too and the guest list is now a rather obscene number. Doesn't help that my dad is the pastor of a rather large church. It has been fun (except this week) to plan it, but you're right that it's hard when you're surrounded by opinionated people and sometimes you can't even agree with DF, let alone the others.
If I hadn't gone to therapy and worked on assertiveness, I wouldn't stand a chance with this whole thing.
I did hear from T2, and I wrote about it in my post to Emily Elizabeth.
I enjoyed your pictures, BTW. I hope you post some more soon. Maybe one of your T!!! I'd love to see this guy. ;-)
Voce
Posted by Voce on February 11, 2006, at 2:35:37
In reply to Re: I can't stop crying, posted by B2chica on February 10, 2006, at 13:10:53
Hi B2,
Thanks for your support and encouragement, and reminding me that things will get better.
I was glad to read in your other post that the situation with your file has improved and that you don't feel as bad about it. I hope you can forge a bond with your 2nd T, but I don't blame you for missing your first T. I know he was really special.
(((B2)))
Posted by Voce on February 11, 2006, at 2:45:04
In reply to Re: I didn't go to work today » Voce, posted by muffled on February 10, 2006, at 14:04:11
I think my mental health day was a success. I don't feel as maniac anymore. Now I have to deal with the guilt of actually taking it.
I am glad you like the image of the fish. Unfortunately the aquarium is closed for renovations until 2008. :-( So I can't go there. But I do remember it really well because it was my favorite part. It was a huge blue circle, a ring really, and it was quiet, so quiet. And yet there were thousands of living things swimming around and around in an endless circle around *me*, only around me because when I went there I was alone for awhile there. Hundreds of fish, huge fish and tiny fish, all swimming together, never stopping, with quiet, steady, undrainable energy. I like to think they were all breathing in unison, hearts beating and blood pulsing until they could only move as one formidable, unwavering body.
It was so quiet that I could close my eyes and feel my own heart beating and my own blood pulsing, and my own lungs breathing and somehow I was stregthened and protected by all of those other beating hearts and breathing lungs. If I could, I would have taken a sleeping bag and curled up there in the middle of that warm ring and gone right to sleep. Because when I woke up I would still be there, surrounded and protected by a thousand other beings.
I hope you like that image. I go there in my thoughts sometimes when I need a safe place to go.
Have you read "A ring of endless light" by Madeline L'Engle? The description of the dolpins singing is the closest thing I can compare it too.
Posted by Voce on February 11, 2006, at 2:50:04
In reply to How are you now? I'm sorry and worried :-( (nm) » Voce, posted by 10derHeart on February 10, 2006, at 21:07:06
I am a little better. Still some wedding stress but I can handle it better now. Therapy stuff is still troubling, but managable, I suppose I feel a little deflated over T2's response, like I got all mad for nothing.
I wish I could talk to T1 and hear that he still cares about me and thinks about me.
10der, I hope you are doing okay. I miss babblemailing with you, we should do it again soon.
Posted by Voce on February 11, 2006, at 2:52:04
In reply to Re: I can't stop crying » Voce, posted by fairywings on February 10, 2006, at 22:14:34
Thanks, FW. I hope I get to go soon, too.
I appreciate the support. I hope you are doing okay.
Posted by Voce on February 11, 2006, at 2:57:10
In reply to Re: I can't stop crying » Voce, posted by Damos on February 10, 2006, at 22:52:42
Oh Damos, you are so kind. I am so glad you are a babbler and you make me feel better about being a little babble sea creature with millions of little tentacles that suck up all the babble support. ;-)
The forest sounds even better to me now, especially if someone will go with me and make sure nothing bad happens. How about our next fieldtrip we all take sleeping bags to the aquarium?
Thank you for helping me feel like enough, even when I feel terribly inadaquite. I can't really express how comforting your post was to me, but I am glad I can be here with all of you.
Don't know what I'd do without my babble friends.
This is the end of the thread.
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