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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by milly on January 31, 2006, at 10:23:39
or at the very least into theraputic language.
What Dinah managed to put her finger on and describe so acurratly seems to be very important to alot of people.
It so completly describes that feeling of needing to be the 'special' one the 'remembered fondly'one.
I too need to be a 'Jessica' to my T, but will he tell me if I ask?
Milly
Posted by happyflower on January 31, 2006, at 11:13:30
In reply to Should 'being a Jessica' pass into English languag, posted by milly on January 31, 2006, at 10:23:39
I hope he will Milly. I know my T won't, he told me that I am not extra special to him, he won't tell me he cares about me, and he says he will treat me like he does all his clients.
So being a Jessica, is somthing I have to rely on feeling it, not by what he says or does. Good luck! :)
Posted by Dinah on January 31, 2006, at 11:35:59
In reply to Should 'being a Jessica' pass into English languag, posted by milly on January 31, 2006, at 10:23:39
I think it is an understandable and very common need.
Although I also understand the reasons therapists wouldn't want to gratify it. No, I'm lying. As long as it's understood what is meant by therapeutic caring I don't really see that it's a negative thing.
My therapist has managed to tell me I'm special to him without making it terribly personal. He talks about how long and hard we've worked together and how that working together has forged a relationship that is special. Which is good enough for me. I know we don't have all that much in common and wouldn't really hang out together. And although I may be having trouble remembering it now, he also showed me that I was special in his actions. In going above and beyond the call of duty. Overall his actions were more important to me. He could have told me he cared about me till the cows came home and I would have discounted it.
But maybe you could remind me of this when I forget again. There are these warring voices in my head, and sometimes the voice that says I'm a pathetic leech clinging to him against his will drowns the other voices. Or that he groans when he hears my voice. Or that he flinches when he thinks about me caring about him so much.
Maybe he might not tell you what you want to hear, but maybe talking about it is important anyway?
Posted by Tabitha on January 31, 2006, at 11:53:19
In reply to Re: Should 'being a Jessica' pass into English lan » milly, posted by Dinah on January 31, 2006, at 11:35:59
I'm going for the longevity award. Heck, maybe I'm already there. I need to ask whether I'm the longest-term client by now.
Posted by madeline on January 31, 2006, at 17:29:38
In reply to Re: Should 'being a Jessica' pass into English languag, posted by happyflower on January 31, 2006, at 11:13:30
Hf,
I'm so sorry that he said those things to you, that hurt me just reading it.I can honestly say that everyone here thinks that you are extra special, & it sounds to me as though he needs to go jump in a river.
You will always be "our jessica"
Posted by milly on February 1, 2006, at 9:40:16
In reply to Re: Should 'being a Jessica' pass into English languag, posted by happyflower on January 31, 2006, at 11:13:30
Oh Happyflower, that is so sad, what a pig. Did he volunteer that information or was it as a response to a question you had asked? maybe I won't ask because rejection hurts SO much I'd rather carry on with the fantasy.
At least if he really does treat all his clients equally you know he doesn't think about you less than anyone else!
You'll just have to be a 'Jessica' here
milly
Posted by milly on February 1, 2006, at 9:48:46
In reply to Re: Should 'being a Jessica' pass into English lan » milly, posted by Dinah on January 31, 2006, at 11:35:59
>
>
>> But maybe you could remind me of this when I forget again. There are these warring voices in my head, and sometimes the voice that says I'm a pathetic leech clinging to him against his will drowns the other voices. Or that he groans when he hears my voice. Or that he flinches when he thinks about me caring about him so much.Sure reminder booked! I know what you mean I'm constantly accusing him of wishing I wasn't there so that he could have a coffee break! Once when I was late and he had got on with some paperwork there was an almighty scene because I thought he must be thinking 'bother she's turned up. I'll have to do this later!'
Feeling very insecure I mentioned it to my pdoc (about taking up his time, and how important T was becoming to me) etc) and she said 'Oh, hes just paid to listen to you going on' I'm still not over that and often throw it at my T even though I know that is not how he sees it.
>
> Maybe he might not tell you what you want to hear, but maybe talking about it is important anyway?I think it probably is
milly
Posted by Dinah on February 1, 2006, at 9:55:27
In reply to Re: Should 'being a Jessica' pass into English lan, posted by milly on February 1, 2006, at 9:48:46
> Feeling very insecure I mentioned it to my pdoc (about taking up his time, and how important T was becoming to me) etc) and she said 'Oh, hes just paid to listen to you going on' I'm still not over that and often throw it at my T even though I know that is not how he sees it.
Good grief. What a comment! I imagine your therapist was furious at your pdoc for undermining your alliance? I'm glad you realize that isn't how your therapist sees it.
Posted by milly on February 1, 2006, at 12:20:17
In reply to Re: Should 'being a Jessica' pass into English lan » milly, posted by Dinah on February 1, 2006, at 9:55:27
Oh she's full of them!! I try to forgive her because she is young and a junior but it's hard!
My T keeps asking why I feel the need to forgive her and I think he was very unimpressed with her. One time she managed to send me into a complete tail-spin I ended up with an emergency consultants appointment 3 days later simply because of what she had said.
Her placement has ended now, thank goodness, see what the next inexperienced junior doc can manage!
milly
Posted by happyflower on February 1, 2006, at 17:50:47
In reply to Re: Should 'being a Jessica' pass into English languag, posted by happyflower on January 31, 2006, at 11:13:30
Oh, girls, you are both so sweet! :) I think I need to explain my T a little better, he really is a good guy and you two are fairly new to the boards so you don't know the whole story about my T .
He might not tell me I am special, or he cares, but I know he does by the way he treats me in the office and outside the office. In fact I think he really likes me and is attracted to me. We have a lot in common and have a good relationship.
But he is keeping good boundries with me but I can tell how he feels about me, in fact I think he thinks he hides it well, but I know. :) He had done stuff that makes me feel special, like he was going to attend my last concert, he burned 2 CD's for me last week, he winked at me at the gym, and he told me a couple of weeks ago that it sucks for him too, that we can't have a social relationship after therapy, because he thinks he would like to if the circumstances were different. So really he is special to me, but I am sure I am not as special to him as he is to me.
But thanks you guys, for supporting me! :)
Posted by 10derHeart on February 3, 2006, at 16:47:33
In reply to Madeline and Milly :), posted by happyflower on February 1, 2006, at 17:50:47
HF, that was just such a lovely post. Really made me feel great reading it. And you captured the spirit of what your T. is like so well (not that that's all there is to him by any means...but for here, and for new readers...great job of hitting the high points!)
As were the two posts you were responding to - just in different ways. I love it when some things on this board get just all warm and fuzzy...we sure have enough pain, confusion and struggles on the other side of that scale....!
This place rocks! - 10derheart
Posted by Daisym on February 5, 2006, at 23:07:57
In reply to Should 'being a Jessica' pass into English languag, posted by milly on January 31, 2006, at 10:23:39
Milly,
I just read through this thread and I want you to know that not all therapist are against telling clients they care. Mine tells me as well as shows me. In fact, he was mightly insulted when I suggested that he didn't care. I think what he said was, "do you REALLY not know that I care about you?"
He is clear about how he cares and what he can be and not be. But he reminds me frequently that this relationship we've built is real and important, to him and to me. I think that fact that he believes it and shows it has allowed us to work at a very deep level, where so many of my demons are about abandonment and betrayal.
It is worth the risk, I think, to talk about it. Hard...but worth it.
Let us know what happens.
Daisy
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