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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on January 28, 2006, at 13:37:46
I used to hate myself so much it felt evil.
But I still here.
I drank early too.
Alcohol was everything to me.
Still is in many ways.
Been dry a good 10 years, but still socks me in the gut sometimes......the wanting.
But I know I can't, I just can't. Cuz if I do, it'll all go to sh*t again like it done so many times b4, just a matter of time.
When you wanna drink, try to remember all the bad stuff. I think thats what stops me, cuz i not in denial no more.
Still hurts.
But WAY better w/out drinking.
I don't hate mysef no more.
Not much.
Not like b4.
Take care James, you seem real smart and kind.
You got the pieces of the puzzle.
Just goto figger out how the hell they go together.
A good T can help.
Muffled
Posted by James K on January 29, 2006, at 12:12:08
In reply to James K, posted by muffled on January 28, 2006, at 13:37:46
the bad times can be hard to remember when it comes to drink. Denial is already creeping back in. The hate is just under the surface waiting though. I always have the new and old scars to remind me.
I'm going to look at the therapist list this afternoon to see about some phone calls this coming week.
I want to get some closure with the people I was working with at the outpatient. I hate all the burned bridges I leave behind.
take care,
james k
Posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2006, at 13:25:06
In reply to Thank you so much » muffled, posted by James K on January 29, 2006, at 12:12:08
What happens if you do THC? Rather than drink? Do you still hate so much? It's the hate that makes you drink, isn't it? Your T will help you control the hate, if you have a good one. Your T will help you get it out slowly, and completely, so it doesn't haunt you anymore. And if not, find someone who can. But don't hurt those people unless they're paid to take it. I mean, really.. you're so smart, you're so with it, you can do this and you know you can.
Posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2006, at 13:26:32
In reply to Thank you so much » muffled, posted by James K on January 29, 2006, at 12:12:08
> the bad times can be hard to remember when it comes to drink. Denial is already creeping back in. The hate is just under the surface waiting though. I always have the new and old scars to remind me.
>
> I'm going to look at the therapist list this afternoon to see about some phone calls this coming week.
>
> I want to get some closure with the people I was working with at the outpatient. I hate all the burned bridges I leave behind.
>
> take care,
> james k
I found out that true friends don't consider the bridges burned. The strong ones, the people you'll want to be with, are still waiting for you just around the corner. Because the truth, James, is that you attract to yourself what you think of yourself.
Posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2006, at 13:29:07
In reply to Burned bridges, posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2006, at 13:26:32
Sorry, I didn't mean to sound preachy. Just sharing the wrong way, as usual. I think I was born on a soapbox. I come by it honestly, though, it runs in the family. Maybe I'm a bit manic, forigve me if I am. Ciao :)
Posted by James K on January 29, 2006, at 13:47:55
In reply to PS Not manic, just thinking out loud, posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2006, at 13:29:07
No, I understand some of what you mean. I can hurt people. I am smart, and when I'm hurt or threatened, I feel like I can see a vunerability and exploit it. I scare people sometimes. But the good news is I'm a good person. So I don't.
To have a therapist, we are going to have to discuss what we are doing this for. and how to handle when I'm offended or looking to be offended. I did this with a therapist once, but she was inpatient only. (that is so unfair).
THC makes my thoughts race too much. My first exposure was maybe 12 years old. I remember being in corner of an adult party shaking because I had smoked hash for the first time and they kicked me out into the street because they got scared. But I could never hurt myself or another on that. I don't think.
ONe of the above FW I think offered to help with therapist selection technique. I'm going to get back to you if you are reading this.
Susan, you can say whatever you think to me. Once you're with me, you are with me. (I mean that in gang type way, not a psycho way). (that still sounds off)\#!> (I'm inventing new faces because I don't know the old ones. that one doesn't work)
James K
James K
Posted by James K on January 29, 2006, at 13:58:54
In reply to Re: PS Not manic, just thinking out loud » Susan47, posted by James K on January 29, 2006, at 13:47:55
I had my first night without ambien cr. I've put myself in a refill quandry. Maybe I need to go back to the outpatient hospital, swallow my pride, deal with what happened, and make my transition more correctly.
The tape holding my forehead together came off last night and my head hurts now.
By the way fallsfall offered to help me. Memory off. But I am not under any influence. Post-concussion syndrome perhaps.
James k
Posted by Susan47 on January 30, 2006, at 0:51:57
In reply to I'm posting without thinking, posted by James K on January 29, 2006, at 13:58:54
You're falling apart, bud. I hope you get hold of all the right people to help put you back together again. You will get there. What's the refill quandary? Can't you get a refill for your ambien? You probably really need it.
Posted by Susan47 on January 30, 2006, at 21:04:42
In reply to Re: I'm posting without thinking, posted by Susan47 on January 30, 2006, at 0:51:57
JamesK I've done it, I've put my foot in my mouth AGAIN.. now you can see why I hate myself! I didn't mean that the way it sounded, at all!
Posted by James K on January 30, 2006, at 21:15:20
In reply to OhmyGod that WAS posting without thinking, posted by Susan47 on January 30, 2006, at 21:04:42
You're not going to hurt me that easy. I have been falling apart a little bit. the refill quandry is I've been feuding with my hospital and pdocs and now I don't have anyone to hit up for refills.
If someone I hadn't been posting with agreed with me so readily, I might wonder what was up. But I had just told you that you could say what you think I needed to hear (I didn't actually say that, but I meant to).
Some people argued with you left and right or set you straight or whatever. You took it and used what you needed. I want to be the same. I need support and sympathy and hugs etc. But I also need people to say Whoa!. I'm happy right now, and I'm certainly okay with you.
James K
Posted by muffled on January 30, 2006, at 22:14:39
In reply to Relax » Susan47, posted by James K on January 30, 2006, at 21:15:20
Posted by Susan47 on January 31, 2006, at 19:03:07
In reply to Relax » Susan47, posted by James K on January 30, 2006, at 21:15:20
MWAH, the biggest kiss anybody's ever got from me, James K, and I hope that's okay. But what's this refill quandary? Your feud must be volatile (?) if they won't give you meds that you think are necessary for your safety and wellbeing. What's up with that? Exactly.
Another thing, though.. don't take anybody else's opinion for the word of authority. You're your own authority, you just use it to the best good possible, even when that doesn't seem good enough .. reach up. And quit scaring me by making me thing you've read everything .... I mean, I was pretty nuts-o, maybe Dr. B. should have a block on that term actually. Does he? Let's find out.
Posted by Susan47 on January 31, 2006, at 19:11:23
In reply to Relax » Susan47, posted by James K on January 30, 2006, at 21:15:20
Is the quandary that you feel you can't go to them for a refill because of an argument or that you're abusing your meds and they actually have refused, or you don't want to have anything to do with them, don't trust anybody? Sorry, I haven't been following extremely closely but I know you've physically really hurt yourself. How's your forehead?
Posted by James K on January 31, 2006, at 22:17:41
In reply to Re: Relax » James K, posted by Susan47 on January 31, 2006, at 19:11:23
I don't think I have a doctor anymore. I fired one, but the replacement was temporary and when he wanted me to go in last Friday, then I tried Monday and got lost, then tried Wednesday and got frustrated, and now I really don't know what to do. But the good news is.
I found some old lunesta.
Some of the scab on my forehead came off, and I realize I have less of a split and more of a divot. So the scar will end up just a thin white line that anybody might have. Bruises are fading, and hole in my arm will only leave small Keloid. So nothing that the next guy wouldn't have.I don't follow up on people's old threads. If I get in a thread early, I'll follow it out, or if I just need to remind myself what someone's current situation is I'll glance back just so I don't step in it.
I still have some figuring to do. I had a minor relapse yesterday out of doctor frustration and "I'll just do whatever I want" but no harm done and I'm back on track. or trying to figure out the track.
thanks
James K
Posted by muffled on January 31, 2006, at 23:00:09
In reply to Re: Relax » Susan47, posted by James K on January 31, 2006, at 22:17:41
I still have some figuring to do. I had a minor relapse yesterday out of doctor frustration and "I'll just do whatever I want" but no harm done and I'm back on track. or trying to figure out the track.
**Minor relapse. No such thing. mebbe you can learn. What else could you have done to not drink? How could you have stopped yourself? Why did you do it in the first place really?
If I was still drinking I'd be dead now. 100% sure.
What about an inpatient(addictions) rehab. I did one for a month and it was really educational and they check your health and give you vitamins etc. They taught me bout all the b*llshit tricks and mindgames I'd play with myself to get drinking again etc. etc. This was a government mostly funded one in Canada. Helped alot.
You nice james.
Take care,
Soryy if I grumpy.
I just am.
muffled
Posted by Susan47 on February 1, 2006, at 10:25:28
In reply to Re: Relax » Susan47, posted by James K on January 31, 2006, at 22:17:41
> I don't think I have a doctor anymore. I fired one, but the replacement was temporary and when he wanted me to go in last Friday, then I tried Monday and got lost, then tried Wednesday and got frustrated, and now I really don't know what to do. But the good news is.
>
What you have to do is realize it's just your own frustration that's stopping you from getting the help. The doctor you fired may realize you're unbalanced right now (and you are, you know it too) and take you right back no questions asked and give you a prescription.
> I found some old lunesta.
In the best intention, all I can say is, you dummy. With love but also firmness.
> Some of the scab on my forehead came off, and I realize I have less of a split and more of a divot. So the scar will end up just a thin white line that anybody might have. Bruises are fading, and hole in my arm will only leave small Keloid. So nothing that the next guy wouldn't have.
>
Well, that's good. Because your past will just be an intrigue for someone to solve, a mystery, someone so different from where you're going to go, now (?)
> I don't follow up on people's old threads. If I get in a thread early, I'll follow it out, or if I just need to remind myself what someone's current situation is I'll glance back just so I don't step in it.
>
I'm always stepping "in it", probably am again. Obviously the track you want to take is the hardest one to take, which makes you pretty damn brave IMO.
This is the end of the thread.
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