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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by asmita on January 24, 2006, at 18:02:07
hi everyone... i'm new here and i hope someone can help me make sense of this, i would really appreciate it.
i've been in therapy for the past few months for severe depression which led me to attempt suicide in july last year. i like my therapist, i have a lot of respect for him and his views, he seems to always have something wise to say. the problems are:
1. i am really hopelessly attracted to him, maybe more so than i have ever been to anyone else. i read a couple of things online saying this is normal and nothing to worry about, but i've been feeling this way for a while now and can't seem to be able to just ignore it. it's a sexual attraction, but also a deep sort of affection and respect i have for him, and all in all i feel really strongly about him. he's quite a bit older than me but it doesn't seem to matter, i've wondered a few times if i see him as a father-figure, i don't know. i'm terrified of losing control one day...i feel close to it sometimes.
2. because i'm so attracted to him i find it hard to concentrate during the sessions and i feel really uncomfortable. i alternate between worrying that he doesn't like me and finds me unattractive, and thinking that he's attracted to me as well. he's given me reasons to think both things...he'll tell me he likes me, comment on the way i look, and everytime, i feel a really strong chemistry in the room (might just be me though). other times i leave the sessions thinking he doesn't want me to come back, has no idea what to do with me and thinks i'm just wasting his time. i'm really sensitive to him saying anything about stopping therapy (he tends to ask me about what i want or expect to get out of it)...i feel really silly about feeling so strongly about him, just because he tries to help me and may say a few nice things...i'm really embarrassed.
3. i find it really hard to trust him. i know it hasn't been a long time, but i can't say therapy has helped me too much yet. i guess partly because i like him so much, i think everything over a few times before i say it, because i want him to like me. i tend to sit quietly, because i feel so shy and nervous around him (though i'm shy and nervous in general). i'm really pushing myself to talk though, and i think i'll get better with time. i have my doubts about him though, a lot of the time i find myself thinking "he doesn't care anyway, he's just waiting for the session to end so he can go home"...i don't know how i can get past those thoughts.
i feel like i'm failing even at therapy...which is at the moment kind of my only hope. i hope someone can give me some advice or support or something. thanks for reading.
Posted by madeline on January 24, 2006, at 18:37:07
In reply to attraction to therapist, trust....please help, posted by asmita on January 24, 2006, at 18:02:07
I think that happens to all of us. You are most definately not alone. I'm glad you posted.
I've been in therapy for years and the relationship that you develop with your therapist is a very complicated, intimate one. I'm still trying to figure it out and I've been in therapy for years.
But, most importantly, by all measures you are not failing at therapy. Developing these feelings for your therapist is pretty much the norm. It hurts but it is something that can be dealt with.
When you feel ready, I think you need to talk to your therapist about the way you feel. When I told mine he nearly jumped for joy! because then he knew that he had touched me in some way that was very positive - causing me to have these feelings for him.
I'm so sorry that you feel bad right now, but keep posting and try to keep talking to your therapist.
Posted by asmita on January 24, 2006, at 19:03:23
In reply to Re: attraction to therapist, trust....please help, posted by madeline on January 24, 2006, at 18:37:07
thank you so much madeline for your reply.
i'm not sure how i'm supposed to be dealing with feeling this way, for a while i denied that i was even attracted to him which just sort of made it worse. it seems like a really strange sort of relationship i'm supposed to have with my therapist, like not even really a friendship, but in some ways so much more than that.
at the moment i can't imagine telling him about what i'm feeling. how did you go about it?
i haven't even told my therapist much about my life/feelings in general...i guess i should work on that first. i'm terrified of him figuring out by himself that i'm attracted to him, he has sort of hinted at before...after that i was so embarrassed and avoided any eye-contact with him. but i realise that i probably won't get much out of the sessions if i keep trying to ignore it. my feelings for him seem to bring out this feeling of unworthiness in me and mistrust toward him, which is obviously not very productive.....
Posted by sleepygirl on January 24, 2006, at 19:29:54
In reply to Re: attraction to therapist, trust....please help, posted by asmita on January 24, 2006, at 19:03:23
you are so not "failing" - this is hard!
I posted to you on social :-)
Posted by fallsfall on January 24, 2006, at 19:36:38
In reply to attraction to therapist, trust....please help, posted by asmita on January 24, 2006, at 18:02:07
As hard as it is, you need to try to talk about this with your therapist. Have you read "In Session"? It talks a lot about the feelings women have for their therapists.
What kind of therapy are you doing?
Posted by Anneke on January 24, 2006, at 19:44:50
In reply to attraction to therapist, trust....please help, posted by asmita on January 24, 2006, at 18:02:07
Asmita,
It is hard to talk about feelings in general and I think when it comes to talking about feelings about the therapist themself, it's even worse. I have a female T whom I have really strong feelings toward (I'm female too) so it's different, because it's more of a longing for her to be my mother than a sexual thing, but I think the prescription for getting through it is the same...talk about it.
One suggestion that comes up a lot is printing out your post and taking it with you or e-mailing him about your feelings beforehand if e-mails are allowed.
But, above all, know that it's absolutely normal, but that doesn't make it any less painful.
Welcome to Babble, by the way....
Anneke
Posted by Susan47 on January 25, 2006, at 0:03:37
In reply to Re: attraction to therapist, trust....please help, posted by asmita on January 24, 2006, at 19:03:23
> thank you so much madeline for your reply.
> i'm not sure how i'm supposed to be dealing with feeling this way, for a while i denied that i was even attracted to him which just sort of made it worse. it seems like a really strange sort of relationship i'm supposed to have with my therapist, like not even really a friendship, but in some ways so much more than that.
> at the moment i can't imagine telling him about what i'm feeling. how did you go about it?
> i haven't even told my therapist much about my life/feelings in general...i guess i should work on that first. i'm terrified of him figuring out by himself that i'm attracted to him, he has sort of hinted at before...after that i was so embarrassed and avoided any eye-contact with him. but i realise that i probably won't get much out of the sessions if i keep trying to ignore it. my feelings for him seem to bring out this feeling of unworthiness in me and mistrust toward him, which is obviously not very productive.....
Well no, it's not obviously unproductive, the feelings of unworthiness and mistrust that're developing along with your strong feelings of attachment are probably speaking to you about some real emotional thing you need to deal with, likely from early childhood? I mean, why when you're really developing strong emotional attachment towards this person who's setting himself up for that (maybe without realizing it!) ... why at this time would you also feel the unworthiness most strongly, and the mistrust, which is probably growing along with your feelings of attachment .. omigod, I mean, if I had known then what I know now ... or think I know ... be really really careful about your communication with him after you do tell him how you feel. If you do. Don't hurt yourself, don't get hurt to the point where you can't communicate with him anymore.
Posted by milly on January 25, 2006, at 6:30:56
In reply to attraction to therapist, trust....please help, posted by asmita on January 24, 2006, at 18:02:07
I can so identify with all you wrote (in fact it was scary reading it as I could have written it!!)
i am also in therapy for severe suicidal depression (? bipolar)and I too suddenly experienced this overwhelming intensity of feeling for my T. It was so strong that I felt it was something I had never experienced before (did that mean I had never loved before?)
My T is extremely perceptive and seemed to know what was going on before I did. I thought if he knew then I was bound to experience huge rejection/humiliation to the point that in my head I had him laughing and asking me to leave right there and then. However whenit finally got spoken about (which was done in a wierd 'I can't tell you this so you are just going to have to guess what I am thinking' way) needless to say there was no rejection or humiliation. It was as hard as anything to do (and then I had the worry that I would be the next joke in the staff commonroom) but for therapy to go anywhere I HAD to risk it and to trust him. When you feel able try it, it helps.
milly
Posted by Susan47 on January 25, 2006, at 11:11:15
In reply to Re: attraction to therapist, trust....please help » asmita, posted by milly on January 25, 2006, at 6:30:56
I agree with everything milly said too. But don't tell him until you trust him. I made that mistake and it was the worst thing that could have happened.
Posted by happyflower on January 25, 2006, at 18:34:27
In reply to Re: attraction to therapist, trust....please help, posted by Susan47 on January 25, 2006, at 11:11:15
Welcome to Babble asmita! :)
I believe my T and I are mutally attracted to each other. All the signs are there.
I have managed to do a lot of work even in spite of this. But I do believe that if it is interfering with your work, you should probably tell him. Sometimes getting it out will lessen the intensity of the feelings.
It took me over a year to talk about this with my T. Well we will be talking more about this next week. I feel better now that I got most of it out in the open. He took it as a compliment. If you look at the posts from last week, mine called "I did it, I talked about the elephant today".
Good luck, I think you will know when the time is right. :)
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