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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on November 16, 2005, at 19:44:42
I'm supposed to practice standing up for myself. This means allowing myself to hear all the things the younger parts of me wished they had said, thought about saying and/or wanted to scream out. And write them down. And then say them out loud.
I started yesterday with, "I don't want to." And added "I don't like that. It hurts me." And ended up teetering on the edge of controlled hysteria of outrage with: "do you KNOW what he did to me...and made me do??!" And though I've told him, he simply said, "tell me." And then after I told him, he said, "tell me about after - what did you feel after it was over?" Tears never cried came out. And lots more "I didn't want to(s)." I was shaking with fright at my boldness and rage.
So we practiced today. Any and all sentences - no editing allowed. (well, as much as I could let go.) And kept coming back to "I don't like that. I don't want to. I didn't want to. I never wanted to." And every time I went quiet he'd say, "try staying with it and say it out loud."
It is amazing how much never got said. And how much I don't say now, about what I like and don't like. It has turned into a life longs habit of not expressing my own thoughts, those that have to do with personal preferences, for fear of being told "of course you want to. Of course you like X and Y and Z." At one point he said, "you are allowed to say no to stuff you don't like or don't want to do, now or in the future. Just because someone else likes it or wants it, especially sexual things, doesn't mean you have to." I must have looked stunned because he said, "really. Not everything is a negotiation. You can say no."
Is that true? I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just KNOW I'm going to get into trouble by admitting "I didn't want to." Because now whose fault is it really?
I just wish I could stop crying as I say all this.
Posted by fallsfall on November 16, 2005, at 20:17:11
In reply to My Homework, posted by daisym on November 16, 2005, at 19:44:42
Yes, you really can say no. To lots and lots of things. You can say no and while people may not be used to you saying no, they will still know that it is acceptable for you to say no.
>I just KNOW I'm going to get into trouble by admitting "I didn't want to." Because now whose fault is it really?
Why would you get into trouble by admitting you didn't want to? Who would you be in trouble with?
And how does that relate to fault? It wasn't your fault. You were a child.
Do you think you were *supposed* to want to??
(((Daisy)))
Posted by orchid on November 16, 2005, at 21:45:37
In reply to My Homework, posted by daisym on November 16, 2005, at 19:44:42
(((Daisy)))
Sexual abuse by a kid's own father is the worst of all forms of abuse. There will be extreme amount of confusion and varied kind of feelings in the child's mind.
Please allow yourself the highest amount of understanding and empathy you can ever think of for anyone. You deserve it.
It is really really hard for a child to understand what is happening, if it is right or wrong, if it is wrong - how wrong it is, why her mother doesn't protect her, why do I like it myself etc.
When you are grown up, you tend to view you as a child as how you are now. It is much easier for an adult to understand things and say no. But not for a child.
My mother just told me couple of days back that I pratically never said no to anything when I was a child. I did everythign my parents asked me to. She thought it was a good trait. While I realized how horrible it was.
You must also have been confused and emotionally manipulated by your dad in so many different subtle ways which you probably won't even remember now to accept what he is doing to you. I came back and am staying in my parents how and am realizing now that even if I had wished, I couldn't have said no to anything in my family. Perhaps you should sometime do that. Go back and stay with your family and you might realize how helpless a child would be in that family.
(((Daisy)))
Posted by Gee on November 16, 2005, at 21:48:06
In reply to Re: My Homework, posted by fallsfall on November 16, 2005, at 20:17:11
Saying no is a lot easier than it seems. And people will accept the no (most of the time).
The first time my T told me that I could say no, and that I didn't have to do anything (I was crazy over busy), I kinda went crazy with it. My mom wasn't too impressed with it, but really everyone got over it.
The people who love you will love you no matter what
Be who you are, say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind ~ Dr. Seuss
Posted by Voce on November 16, 2005, at 23:46:56
In reply to My Homework, posted by daisym on November 16, 2005, at 19:44:42
<I just KNOW I'm going to get into trouble by admitting "I didn't want to.">
With who? Who will you be in trouble with? Not your T, not us. It's okay to not want to.
<Because now whose fault is it really?>
Not yours, babygirl. Not yours. Not yours. It's not your fault. It will never be your fault. There is no fault with you. There is only you.
You are the most important thing now. You weren't when you were little, but now you have to be the most important thing to yourself, no? And that has to supercede what everyone else wants. Because you matter too much.
Posted by B2chica on November 17, 2005, at 9:56:00
In reply to My Homework, posted by daisym on November 16, 2005, at 19:44:42
> I started yesterday with, "I don't want to." And added "I don't like that. It hurts me." And ended up teetering on the edge of controlled hysteria of outrage with: "do you KNOW what he did to me...and made me do??!" And though I've told him, he simply said, "tell me." And then after I told him, he said, "tell me about after - what did you feel after it was over?" Tears never cried came out. And lots more "I didn't want to(s)." I was shaking with fright at my boldness and rage.
i'm proud of you. this is so good to hear.
>>At one point he said, "you are allowed to say no to stuff you don't like or don't want to do, now or in the future. Just because someone else likes it or wants it, especially sexual things, doesn't mean you have to." I must have looked stunned because he said, "really. Not everything is a negotiation. You can say no."
>
> Is that true? I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just KNOW I'm going to get into trouble by admitting "I didn't want to." Because now whose fault is it really?-that's EXACTLY how i feel. like i'll get in more trouble if i say no or resist.
> I just wish I could stop crying as I say all this.-you will. you are so strong and have helped me so much.
b2c.
Posted by Poet on November 18, 2005, at 9:53:44
In reply to My Homework, posted by daisym on November 16, 2005, at 19:44:42
Hi Daisy,
What your T said about being allowed to say no to stuff you don't like really hit home for me. I've been avoiding talking about *it* in therapy and think that you are so brave for facing it.
I am going to try to memorize what your T said: "you are allowed to say no to stuff you don't like or don't want to do, now or in the future. Just because someone else likes it or wants it, especially sexual things, doesn't mean you have to." For me add *you don't have to fake it to please someone else, either.*
Daisy, it's not your fault. Deep down I know it's not my fault either. It's just hard to remember because the pain of what happened distorts the truth of why it happened.
((((((Daisy)))))))
Poet
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