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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 20:02:40
I lost it completely in therapy today. I went on and on about the details of my experience and how fingers and a penis can be converted to weapons, about how much it hurt and how I had no idea which was the worst part or which age suffered the most. I talked too fast, through too many tears and then I was completely hostile with my therapist and demanded, "Where were you?!" I told him how alone I felt and how much I wanted to die and how much I needed him and he just wasn't there. (How could he have been 30 years ago?!) He just nodded and made comforting noises and said it was OK for me to be furious with him. And he talked about what he would have done and what should have been done.
And then I told him he wasn't allowed to treat anyone who did this to a child with any sympathy. And I didn't want him to have patients who did this. And I didn't want him to ever forget how much pain all this causes. He took all that calmly too and told me that he hasn't treated someone like my dad and that he felt no sympathy for him and that he was MY therapist, totally there for ME and that he would never (how could he?) forget the pain he was witnessing. And I cried and cried.
Urg -- how do I go back in there tomorrow after such irrational demands? I know he won't let me apologize but I feel like I behaved like a petulant spoiled child. And the worst part is that I don't think I'm done railing at him. Help!
Posted by zenhussy on November 9, 2005, at 20:28:38
In reply to I went totally irrational today (trigger!), posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 20:02:40
did you just start WB? that can increase irritability dramatically. that said it sounds like you're just where you need to be with T.
this is part of the process and a very difficult part at that! some folks never get to the place of letting out that anger.
you're not behaving like a petulant spoiled child.......you're behaving like a child/person who was abused and hurt and is finally getting to talk about how awful ALL of it was. makes perfect sense to have so much bottled up after so many years of silence.
rail away!! he's trained to handle that. you're doing great work on this daisy.
Posted by Annierose on November 9, 2005, at 21:47:37
In reply to I went totally irrational today (trigger!), posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 20:02:40
I don't hear you railing against him at all. You're telling him how much it hurts. How could this happen to you! Why did this happen? You are expressing your RAGE, and that, I believe is good. Your T was there for you. He listened. He comforted you. He is your therapist, and he cares a great deal about Daisy.
You are far from a petulant spoiled child. Not one bit spoiled. And I hope you can substain your rage tomorrow and let him hear more. Your T is not at all mad. He'll catch you.
Posted by muffled on November 9, 2005, at 21:55:53
In reply to I went totally irrational today (trigger!), posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 20:02:40
(((Daisym)))
Dunno too much about it really. but it sounds like your on the road to healing. I'm happy for you. It sounds very hard to do. It sounds like your T is doing great about everything. I wouldn't worry about him too much and just say what you need to say and let him help you.
I feel for you and the hard work you are doing.
Muffled
Posted by fallsfall on November 9, 2005, at 21:57:19
In reply to I went totally irrational today (trigger!), posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 20:02:40
You did really well today. What he asks of you in therapy is that you be honest with him. And you told him what you were honestly feeling. You did exactly the right thing. And tomorrow, what you should do is be honest again (and then forgive yourself for whatever you are feeling).
I've got my p*m-p*ms out! I'm leading the cheer!
He can handle it - and it is important for you to do this. Don't feel badly about doing what you are supposed to do in therapy.
Posted by gardenergirl on November 10, 2005, at 0:26:44
In reply to I went totally irrational today (trigger!), posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 20:02:40
Wow, that sounds like quite an intense and important session. I know this sounds odd, but I'm so glad for you. I'm sure it was very difficult and draining. But I really think it needed to happen.
And I agree with everyone else. I know you feel like a spoiled child, but that's old clutter. This was AUTHENTIC. That's really really good and really really powerful. And authentic shouldn't be apologized for. What is is what is. And I'm sure he was okay with it.
((((daisy)))) I'm so proud of you.
gg
Posted by Shortelise on November 10, 2005, at 2:26:52
In reply to I went totally irrational today (trigger!), posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 20:02:40
((daisy))
Doesn't sound irrational to me. Sounds like a lot of pain pouring out, and you have a T who can handle it.
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, Daisy.
ShortE
Posted by Tamar on November 10, 2005, at 3:08:21
In reply to I went totally irrational today (trigger!), posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 20:02:40
I agree with what others have said. It sounds very painful, but nevertheless a very important session. And if you’re not done railing, let him have it. He can take it.
Maybe your demands weren’t as irrational as you think. I think it makes perfect sense to feel that way. Of course you want him to have been there 30 years ago to rescue you and protect you. You needed to be protected, and your therapist - who would have known what to do - wasn't there; no wonder you're furious. And I don’t think you need to apologise for that.
It sounds to me as if you’re doing some very useful work there. It’s hard. But telling those feelings is really important. Good for you.
Tamar
Posted by happyflower on November 10, 2005, at 9:42:33
In reply to Re: I went totally irrational today (trigger!) » daisym, posted by Tamar on November 10, 2005, at 3:08:21
I also agree with what everyone has said, you are working so hard, and getting out all that poisen in your body. It is okay to get it all out, and in therapy is a safe place to do it. You are not doing anything bad to your therapist, in fact I am sure he is very proud of you. (((((((daisy))))))
Posted by B2chica on November 10, 2005, at 10:04:10
In reply to Re: I went totally irrational today (trigger!), posted by happyflower on November 10, 2005, at 9:42:33
i think it was tamar that called it getting all that poison out of you. that's such a good word. My T has been trying to get me to get angry in session but i just can't yet. i'm like you and too afraid of taking it out on my T. last time he told me he can handle my anger and to not be afraid. that's part of why their there.
to have a safe place where you can release ALL your emotions, crying, laughing and anger.
Please let this out. you sound like you have a decent T. let him help you and don't worry about his feelings. and Yes he is there for YOU, on Your side definately NOT your fathers. what he did was wrong and your T agrees.hugs
b2c.
Posted by Dinah on November 10, 2005, at 10:19:28
In reply to I went totally irrational today (trigger!), posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 20:02:40
It doesn't sound irrational. It sounds like what you need to do right now. And your therapist knows how to see you through it, so don't worry about him.
I often get embarassed because I act in ways in therapy that I would never dream of acting elsewhere. But it's because I trust my therapist enough to be truly and completely authentic without censoring anything I'm genuinely feeling. Which helps me understand what I'm genuinely feeling. So that's a good thing, I think. Though often embarassing in retrospect.
Posted by allisonross on November 10, 2005, at 13:24:32
In reply to I went totally irrational today (trigger!), posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 20:02:40
> Dearest Daisy:
I lost it completely in therapy today. I went on and on about the details of my experience and how fingers and a penis can be converted to weapons, about how much it hurt and how I had no idea which was the worst part or which age suffered the most. I talked too fast, through too many tears and then I was completely hostile with my therapist and demanded, "Where were you?!" I told him how alone I felt and how much I wanted to die and how much I needed him and he just wasn't there. (How could he have been 30 years ago?!) He just nodded and made comforting noises and said it was OK for me to be furious with him. And he talked about what he would have done and what should have been done.
>
> And then I told him he wasn't allowed to treat anyone who did this to a child with any sympathy. And I didn't want him to have patients who did this.This would be a normal feeling.
And I didn't want him to ever forget how much pain all this causes. He took all that calmly too and told me that he hasn't treated someone like my dad and that he felt no sympathy for him and that he was MY therapist,
Exactly!
totally there for ME and that he would never (how could he?) forget the pain he was witnessing. And I cried and cried.
Sounds like an empathic, wonderful t.
>
> Urg -- how do I go back in there tomorrow after such irrational demands?you weren't making irrational demands; they were perfectly rational because of what you suffered.
I know he won't let me apologize but I feel like I behaved like a petulant spoiled child.
You may feel like that, but you were responding to your pain; that in a sense, was a GOOD thing, sweetie!
And the worst part is that I don't think I'm done railing at him.
He is a therapist-----he can take it. I am sure he has been 'railed" at before, and even worse!
Help!
All you can do, is be authentic about your feelings
about everything, and your t will do the rest.
Hugs, and Love, Ally
>
>
Posted by Frida on November 10, 2005, at 18:33:56
In reply to I went totally irrational today (trigger!), posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 20:02:40
Daisy,
hi..
i have no words- don't have strength to write- but i read your post and it brought tears, and I wanted to say I know how hard it is to let go like that and i wish i could just let go that way-- don't feel ashamed...you are doing the right thing...letting out all the hurt and all the pain that we couldn't share back then----
sharing it with someone who cares so much about you and wants to witness it all and doesn't want you to experience it all alone again.never ever again
if I can say so, I'm so proud of you for letting go like that and sharing from your heart-
i wish i could just let go that way
love and safety
frida> I lost it completely in therapy today. I went on and on about the details of my experience and how fingers and a penis can be converted to weapons, about how much it hurt and how I had no idea which was the worst part or which age suffered the most. I talked too fast, through too many tears and then I was completely hostile with my therapist and demanded, "Where were you?!" I told him how alone I felt and how much I wanted to die and how much I needed him and he just wasn't there. (How could he have been 30 years ago?!) He just nodded and made comforting noises and said it was OK for me to be furious with him. And he talked about what he would have done and what should have been done.
>
> And then I told him he wasn't allowed to treat anyone who did this to a child with any sympathy. And I didn't want him to have patients who did this. And I didn't want him to ever forget how much pain all this causes. He took all that calmly too and told me that he hasn't treated someone like my dad and that he felt no sympathy for him and that he was MY therapist, totally there for ME and that he would never (how could he?) forget the pain he was witnessing. And I cried and cried.
>
> Urg -- how do I go back in there tomorrow after such irrational demands? I know he won't let me apologize but I feel like I behaved like a petulant spoiled child. And the worst part is that I don't think I'm done railing at him. Help!
>
>
This is the end of the thread.
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