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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 15:55:06
I swear I posted this yesterday, but maybe I deleted it before I got through the posting part.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been so supportive and helpful to me as I've made my way through this last, horrendous therapy crisis. I did it, I had a huge breakthrough and I'm very grateful that you guys listened when I needed.
I actually took a walk today and am trying to balance my business checkbook, which I sadly realize I hadn't done in over 4 months. Over 4 months of being totally debilitated by my feelings and therapy. I feel like I've lost time, where have I been?
I'm happy for today, and I know there are other happier days to come. I know I'm not done w/therapy but from the sunny side of the heartache, today, I can remember and try to encourage others that the darkness can and does pass.
Thank you everyone!
antigua
Posted by gardenergirl on November 4, 2005, at 16:04:35
In reply to I Made It!, posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 15:55:06
Yeah!!!! Happy dance for antigua!!!!!
Glad to hear it. Good for you.
gg
Posted by Pfinstegg on November 5, 2005, at 10:56:44
In reply to I Made It!, posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 15:55:06
That's just the best news ever! Especially because you were having to go through so much stress and pain before. If you want to say, was it because of being able to verbalize, and feel, more about your past traumas while feeling really trusting and attached to your therapist? You may not want to add any details, but I, for one, would love to know how you accomplished it.
In any event, I'm so happy for you, and really admire your dedication and perseverance!
Posted by Shortelise on November 5, 2005, at 12:45:05
In reply to I Made It!, posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 15:55:06
Enjoy this sunny time Antigua. You earned it!
ShortE
Posted by fairywings on November 5, 2005, at 23:41:13
In reply to I Made It!, posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 15:55:06
I'm happy that you're feeling so much better. Was it you who said they were living on banana splits? Have one for me!
fw
Posted by daisym on November 6, 2005, at 0:41:31
In reply to I Made It!, posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 15:55:06
I'm so glad things are better! You've really been working hard to understand yourself -- you deserve some sunshine. I'm glad all of this pain resulted in a breakthrough for you. Keep it up!
Hugs from me,
Daisy
Posted by antigua on November 6, 2005, at 10:08:04
In reply to Re: I Made It! » antigua, posted by Pfinstegg on November 5, 2005, at 10:56:44
You know, I hate to say this, but I'm not really sure how much my T had to do with this, except that she was really there when I needed it. Always. I called her when I needed to and I had twice weekly sessions instead of holding it all in week to week. She was wonderful, and perhaps I'm not giving her the credit she is due, but maybe I was just leaning on her more than usual, which does indicate trust. We have had trust issues forever, but I could not let that get in the way because I hurt so badly and was suffering so very much.
So what happened? When I was rejected by the man who wouldn't give me the hug, I realized that his rejection was playing out my father's final rejection. As I said earlier, I hadn't seen my father for more than a year and when I saw him again, I was the awkward, pre-teen girl. He had no use for me anymore (sexually, I guess) and his rejection (oh, you're fat, I didn't get you a birthday present, I have a new woman and family now--sounds kind of silly, now) when he came to visit was a mixture of sexual rejection and a rejection of my love. He didn't need me that way anymore, and I interpreted that as sexual, which of course if he didn't want me sexually, he didn't love me anymore either. Not sure I'm explaining it right.
So I took this man's rejection (total rejection, he won't even speak to me now, not even polite conversation, he looks through me like I don't exist--try dealing w/that, it was awful--I took it as a sexual rejection. So I learned that rejection from men is rooted in my father's sexual rejection. I don't know, when I put two and two together and realized what a jerk this guy was (as if I weren't sexually attractive to him, ergo he could never love me)I realized how twisted I had made this. He made me mad and I came home and beat a wire fence with a padded bat for an hour (my arm still hurts), I was able to let some of the rage out.
This guy rejected me. So what. He's a jerk. He has his own issues obviously and while I may trigger things in him, the power I was giving him over my self-woth was way out of proportion.
So I took my power back and all my longing feelings for him are gone, knowing that the love/attraction I felt was for my father, not him. (Although I really did think he was a great guy; in some ways, he probably is but I was way too much for him).The breakthrough was that I didn't know this rejection from my father existed, and how it has played out throughout my life. My T pointed out that when the few men I have been interested in (maybe only two in my entire life, based on their similarities to my father) rejected me, I took the rejection first as sexual. As if my sexuality was a tool for love, or so I thought. It was sexuality, not love. Now that I can separate them out, I can see my needs clearer. To make them love me, they had to sexually want me, which they never have.
I'm not exactly sure how my understanding of my father's rejection--and the huge role that I didn't even know it was playing/controlling my life--helped me release the feelings of longing, love, desire, etc. (little girl feelings for my father) for this other man, but the feelings are just about gone and I see his rejection as his own issue. I wasn't asking for an affair or anything like that, so his reaction was way out of proportion, too.
The other thing I learned is that these men I pick, (first of all they are unavailable) and maybe most people in general I don't know, had a steel wall that they are not going to let me broach. They will not allow me to have feelings for them. It is their defense. I've learned that my dysfunctional defense has always been to leave myself defenseless, so that I can be hurt. It's as if I am saying, I am here, totally defenseless because I believe in the inherent goodness of people and good people don't hurt one another. I was making them prove that to me. Well, of course, they never did, they had defenses of their own. I combatted w/no defenses and ended up being hurt. How could I not be hurt? I wasn't protecting myself in anyway. I loved them and I assumed that they would never hurt me. Just a repeat pattern of what I hoped about my father, but it was never true, so I've left myself exposed to be hurt over and over again.
I don't want steel walls, it's not my style, but I do have to find a way to protect myself, to not throw myself completely into trusting someone not to hurt me when there is no basis for thinking that they won't, other than my delusion that I care about them and they couldn't possibly hurt me.
I know this confusing, but I'm still trying to understand it. Also, this episode has allowed me to see my father as someone other than that person I loved so very much. It has opened up the possibility that I may see him as the monster he was, in addition to the good father.
Sorry for being so long. There's just a lot to think about.
antigua
Posted by fairywings on November 6, 2005, at 10:50:24
In reply to Re: I Made It! Very Long » Pfinstegg, posted by antigua on November 6, 2005, at 10:08:04
It's great that all of this came to you so clearly after such a long time and so many ordeals. I hope now that you have such a good understanding, it leads to some really fulfilling relationships. I'm glad you were able to put so much trust in your T, and lean on her when you needed her. And I hope the next part of this comes to you too - the part about learning to trust w/o getting hurt.
fw
Posted by antigua on November 6, 2005, at 11:28:51
In reply to Re: I Made It! Very Long » antigua, posted by fairywings on November 6, 2005, at 10:50:24
Posted by Pfinstegg on November 6, 2005, at 11:48:32
In reply to Re: I Made It! Very Long » Pfinstegg, posted by antigua on November 6, 2005, at 10:08:04
Thanks for telling us. It's so sad and confusing when sex and love get so mixed up in our minds as children. It's a wonderful insight that you can now see the steel barrier against feelings in the man you wanted to hug, and that you were able to give up the longing to do so, and also the intense fear of rejection which came with it. Your T may have been in the background a bit when all this was happening, but I have a feeling that the hard work you are doing with her, and the increased trust you are working so hard for, may have been what allowed you to gain so much insight, and step back from that painful situation on your own. At any rate, you hav e so much to be proud of- and plenty to share and process with her next week. That will probably make things even better, and give more immediacy to the extremely hard work you are doing about your father. I'm not sure, but yours sounds a lot like mine- very much interested in satisfying his own needs, and very lacking in real love, or even a consciousness of what was right and wrong for him to do as an adult.
Posted by Damos on November 6, 2005, at 15:19:45
In reply to I Made It!, posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 15:55:06
Oh Antigua, I'm so happy for you. Happy and glad and relieved and enormously proud of you. You did it. Hopefully this will just be the start of lots of wondrous changes in your life.
Posted by muffled on November 6, 2005, at 22:06:34
In reply to Re: I Made It! » antigua, posted by Damos on November 6, 2005, at 15:19:45
Posted by Tamar on November 7, 2005, at 16:06:21
In reply to Re: I Made It! Very Long » Pfinstegg, posted by antigua on November 6, 2005, at 10:08:04
These things can be very complicated, and you're doing a great job of handling it.
It sounds as if you've had a lot of great insights. Good for you!
Tamar
Posted by Shortelise on November 8, 2005, at 12:34:30
In reply to Re: I Made It! Very Long » Pfinstegg, posted by antigua on November 6, 2005, at 10:08:04
Antigua, that's wonderful. It sounds like you are up to your ears in understanding, thinking, feeling, and working things through. I am so glad for you.
ShortE
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