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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by leslieamy8 on September 12, 2005, at 22:04:22
do I slice and dice,make my face a maze to represent the way I feel? do I break my arm? do I allow the demons in my head to take over,or do I do the world a favor and just say goodbye? I am crying as I write.the evil in me keeps leaking out even as I try my best to plug the holes to hell.sometimes I feel that I give and give.to those on the receiving end I am a savior, always there with a smile and a hand to lend.if they really knew what goes on inside my head they would fear me,just as I fear myself.
Posted by fallsfall on September 13, 2005, at 8:18:17
In reply to decisions,decisions,decisions, posted by leslieamy8 on September 12, 2005, at 22:04:22
I hear so much pain in your post. And it is awful to fear oneself.
Do you have a safe person or place in your life? A spouse, or friend or pet who makes you feel safe?
Do you have a therapist? If you don't, it might help to find one to talk to.
I know about feeling evil. But I also know that those feelings don't have to be forever. There is hope (even if it is hard to see).
If you are going to hurt yourself, please go to the emergency room of the nearest hospital. They can help you there.
Find something that gives you a little joy/peace/happiness (for me, it is ice cream), and allow yourself that. Go swing on the swings at the park. Blow bubbles. Pat your dog.
Things can feel so bleak. But they can also get better. Keep posting.
Posted by sunny10 on September 13, 2005, at 8:29:19
In reply to Re: decisions,decisions,decisions » leslieamy8, posted by fallsfall on September 13, 2005, at 8:18:17
we are here to listen. There is no need to hurt yourself to alleviate the pain and pressure in your mind right now. Just keep posting. Purge yourself of these thoughts while you set up a safe place/person to go to, okay?
Just keep talking,
sunny10
Posted by B2chica on September 13, 2005, at 11:50:53
In reply to decisions,decisions,decisions, posted by leslieamy8 on September 12, 2005, at 22:04:22
> do I slice and dice,make my face a maze to represent the way I feel? do I break my arm? do I allow the demons in my head to take over,or do I do the world a favor and just say goodbye? I am crying as I write.the evil in me keeps leaking out even as I try my best to plug the holes to hell.sometimes I feel that I give and give.to those on the receiving end I am a savior, always there with a smile and a hand to lend.if they really knew what goes on inside my head they would fear me,just as I fear myself.
i am sort of in a similar place as you right now, so unfortunately i can't give you much good advice. but i can tell you that i have two 'safe places', one is the library the other is a little room in the basement of my house that i can lock the door. in those two places i am not allowed to hurt myself. can you find a place like that if/when you need it.
please try.
b2c.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 13, 2005, at 13:29:38
In reply to decisions,decisions,decisions, posted by leslieamy8 on September 12, 2005, at 22:04:22
I know that feeling all too well.
Please know, IT DOES PASS.
Reach out to others in the meantime, instead of using those hands to hurt yourself.
Peace to you,
SV
Posted by leslieamy8 on September 13, 2005, at 16:11:39
In reply to Re: decisions,decisions,decisions, posted by shrinking violet on September 13, 2005, at 13:29:38
thank you all for your kind words. I am trying my hardest not to make my feelings my actions but I feel so very alone.even in a crowd of people I know love and care for me I feel all by myself. I have been in the hospital so many times lately it is hard to keep track. I have an ECT early wednesday morning. I'm focusing on that as much as possible, but that blade keeps calling my name and the Devil is knocking at the door.
Posted by Annierose on September 13, 2005, at 17:18:05
In reply to Re: decisions,decisions,decisions, posted by leslieamy8 on September 13, 2005, at 16:11:39
Posted by Annierose on September 13, 2005, at 17:19:47
In reply to Re: decisions,decisions,decisions, posted by leslieamy8 on September 13, 2005, at 16:11:39
I am sorry you are feeling so much pain. I hope you find the strength to call your therapist, or a friend to help you through this dark patch. The hospital can be a safe place when your thoughts are so sad.
Posted by leslieamy8 on September 14, 2005, at 18:48:42
In reply to Re: decisions,decisions,decisions, posted by leslieamy8 on September 13, 2005, at 16:11:39
unfortunately the ECT I was hoping to get was canceled at the last minute. i was all ready, i had my shot,was in a hospital gown and pants,waited an hour and a half and was told that my doctor had an emergency. i'm not blaming anyone for the way things went but i sure could have used the extra "boost" that the proceedure gives me. aparently i'm still alive and that is thanks to all of the support given by the folks at this web site. i am so down again today but am trying to find the good in each moment as it goes by. i did cut last night to rid myself of some of the underlying anger. do any of you have a problem with anger when you get depressed??? i have BPD and don't really know if that is part of the illness(not that i am trying to blame everything on that). i hope all of your days are going well. thanks again.
~Amy
Posted by sunny10 on September 16, 2005, at 8:10:04
In reply to Re: decisions,decisions,decisions, posted by leslieamy8 on September 14, 2005, at 18:48:42
I'm not sure if this will help, but on a past thread, Cockeyed mentioned getting rid of some of his anger pressure by busting things up.
Maybe throwing plates, or pounding pillows with your fists, or some other physical exertion could take the place of the act of cutting?
Do you think you could give it a try?
Hang in there, honey. Remember that we all care for you and hope for only good things for you.
Take care of you,
Sunny10
This is the end of the thread.
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