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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on July 28, 2005, at 14:32:36
So I am terminating with my current T. I have one session left next week and I perhaps won't be able to see her after that. (She said if I come back to US, I can check in with her whenever I want, or continue therapy with her if I need and I am back here for good, but that is to be known later). For now, I am saying Goodbye.
The problem is, I can't seem to bring myself to say her I like her a LOT. She has been amazing.. And she is really the first person to really understand me so much.. She understand each and every thing I say and think.. And it is so amazing to be finally understood by some one!!. I had given up on me that anyone will be capable of understanding me this much. Even my ex T couldn't understand me so fully. And I really really want to tell her she has been so very helpful to me.. And I want to tell her I am going to miss her a lot..
But because of my burn with the same issue with my ex T - I just can't seem to make myself even come close to her a little bit.. Whenever I try to tell her, I seem to get blocked. I tell myself repeatedly "She is jsut a professional - she doesn't care for your personally.. she won't miss you, she won't like you much, she will forget you, and she won't allow you to contact her, and she doesn't really care for you and wouldn't want to hear from you " etc etc.. And I stop myself.
Even today, she was getting a little emotional in the beginning.. but I remained cold. I went on to discuss my diagnosis and wanted to do closing thing.. And she was being silent and was saying "I am thinking that we are going to have one more session and that is it. She was looking quite emotional".. And Damn ME - I didn't tell her a thing. I told her just "Yeah. I know. And she was being silent for a long time and I was silent also. And then I asked her. "So what is my diagnosis?" and how to close up and I wanted to get my history with her etc..I really wanted to tell her I liked her, and I am going to miss her.. and I tried to get some words out of my mouth. But it just won't come..Everytime I try to tell her, I get frightened.. and what happened with my ex T comes to my mind, and I just can't talk. IT seems very cruel of me to do it to her, especially when she doesn't deserve it at all..And today, I think she has gotten attached to me.. because she was quite emotional in the beginning of the session. And I hate to dismiss it like this.
Posted by Sonya on July 28, 2005, at 14:54:58
In reply to Not able to tell my T I liker her so much !!, posted by pinkeye on July 28, 2005, at 14:32:36
Do you think you could send her a letter expressing how you feel? It might give you some closure even if you felt incapable of telling her in person.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on July 28, 2005, at 15:12:01
In reply to Not able to tell my T I liker her so much !!, posted by pinkeye on July 28, 2005, at 14:32:36
Pinkeye,
I understand and can relate to your dilemma. Maybe you can write her a letter? That might be easier than actually saying it. Or maybe even show her a copy of this post? I find it very hard (impossible, even) for me to tell someone how I feel about them.
Good luck to you!
~LGL
Posted by deborah anne lott on July 31, 2005, at 14:29:35
In reply to Re: Not able to tell my T I liker her so much !!, posted by Sonya on July 28, 2005, at 14:54:58
On not being able to tell your therapist how much you like her -- If she's a good therapist she probably knows! But it sounds as if it would be a good exercise to tell her -- maybe preface it with all your fears of what the consequences of telling her might be so she understands just how hard it is for you.
Posted by Tamar on July 31, 2005, at 15:20:59
In reply to Not able to tell my T I liker her so much !!, posted by pinkeye on July 28, 2005, at 14:32:36
I can really understand it, Pinkeye. You went through so much with your ex-T. And I'm sure she understands that.
Do you feel a little bit warm and happy inside knowing that she feels a little emotional about your termination? I know that would help me get the words out.
And also, if you don't tell her, will you kick yourself over the next few weeks for your silence?
Are you a bit afraid of her response? It's true that therapists are not always forthcoming about their own feelings. I told my therapist in our final session that I would miss him. He suggested that clients sometimes want to know how their therapists feel about the termination and I said I did want to know. So he told me he'd enjoyed our work together and that he would miss it. It was good to hear. I can imagine your therapist telling you something similar.
I think the suggestion of writing a letter, or perhaps a thank you card, is a good one. It doesn't have to be elaborate. But I imagine you'll feel better if you tell her than if you keep silent about it.
(((((pinkeye)))))
When is your last session?
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on July 31, 2005, at 17:16:15
In reply to Re: Not able to tell my T I liker her so much !!, posted by Sonya on July 28, 2005, at 14:54:58
Thanks Sonya and Little Girl.
I will perhaps write a card and give it to her.. thanks for the suggestion.
Posted by pinkeye on July 31, 2005, at 17:21:06
In reply to Re: Not able to tell my T I liker her so much !!, posted by deborah anne lott on July 31, 2005, at 14:29:35
Thanks for your suggestion Ms. Lott.
I was very very open with my ex psychiatrist with my liking. And though he responded warmly in the beginning, towards the end he became so very cold and terminated me abruptly and completely stopped all contacts with me. And it hurt me so very badly. And I am finding it impossible to go through that again with my current therapist. I feel almost like I am 100 % sure she doesn't like me. And even if she does, it would only be a pretension and she won't really care etc. Almost like "Once bitten, twice shy". But I suppose I can try telling her - it seems to be really hard to sound genuine.. I am almost to the point of being bitter about admitting things like that to her. It feels almost like I am going to throw myself into the fire.
Posted by pinkeye on July 31, 2005, at 17:25:48
In reply to Re: Not able to tell my T I liker her so much !! » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on July 31, 2005, at 15:20:59
Thank you Tamar. I was wondering about you - you were missing in action for some time. !! I hope you had a good holiday.
I am going to try to tell her. Maybe mildly. She really deserves that.
And maybe I will write her a card.
It felt good that she was little emotional. I had thought of her almost like steel like with no emotions. Maybe that would really help.
Thanks.
> I can really understand it, Pinkeye. You went through so much with your ex-T. And I'm sure she understands that.
>
> Do you feel a little bit warm and happy inside knowing that she feels a little emotional about your termination? I know that would help me get the words out.
>
> And also, if you don't tell her, will you kick yourself over the next few weeks for your silence?
>
> Are you a bit afraid of her response? It's true that therapists are not always forthcoming about their own feelings. I told my therapist in our final session that I would miss him. He suggested that clients sometimes want to know how their therapists feel about the termination and I said I did want to know. So he told me he'd enjoyed our work together and that he would miss it. It was good to hear. I can imagine your therapist telling you something similar.
>
> I think the suggestion of writing a letter, or perhaps a thank you card, is a good one. It doesn't have to be elaborate. But I imagine you'll feel better if you tell her than if you keep silent about it.
>
> (((((pinkeye)))))
>
> When is your last session?
>
> Tamar
>
Posted by Tamar on July 31, 2005, at 21:29:28
In reply to Re: Not able to tell my T I liker her so much !! » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on July 31, 2005, at 17:25:48
> Thank you Tamar. I was wondering about you - you were missing in action for some time. !! I hope you had a good holiday.
Yes thanks, I had a great holiday. I was back for a couple of days and then suddenly had to go away again for a family wedding, which was great, but now I'm exhausted!
> I am going to try to tell her. Maybe mildly. She really deserves that.
And so do you! I think it will be a good thing for you if you are able to trust her enough to tell her you will miss her. There are so many symbolic resonances about being able to trust someone you care about. You've made so much progress and gained so much insight in recent months that you really have a lot to build on.
> And maybe I will write her a card.
>
> It felt good that she was little emotional. I had thought of her almost like steel like with no emotions.From what you said, she didn't really encourage a very deep attachment. But I tend to think if therapy is going to work there has to be some attachment, even if you don't feel like soul mates. I’m glad that she showed her emotions.I hope it gives you some confidence that it’s OK to show yours.
About what you said in your other post, when you said you think she doesn't like you... Didn't you say once that she told you she likes you? I'm sure she was telling the truth and that she really does like you. You're a very likeable person!
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on August 1, 2005, at 16:27:23
In reply to Re: Not able to tell my T I liker her so much !! » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on July 31, 2005, at 21:29:28
Thanks Tamar.
I am glad you had a good holiday and even though now you are exhausted physically, it is always good to break away from the routine once in a while.
I am going to tell my current T how much she helped me.. You are right - she never encouraged even a tiny bit of attachment, and she said she doesn't want it, because she understands what it puts me through, but I am pretty sure now she really cares about doing a good job. And she really really always keeps my best thing in her mind - and chooses her response always in such a way that I will benefit from it. So I am really grateful that I went to her. I really admire her professionalism so very much. It must take extraordinary strength to keep listening to a person without telling anything about one self for a year. She hasn't told me even her age - or what she likes or what she dislikes or any of her emotions, other than always always giving me things to think about.
> > Thank you Tamar. I was wondering about you - you were missing in action for some time. !! I hope you had a good holiday.
>
> Yes thanks, I had a great holiday. I was back for a couple of days and then suddenly had to go away again for a family wedding, which was great, but now I'm exhausted!
>
> > I am going to try to tell her. Maybe mildly. She really deserves that.
>
> And so do you! I think it will be a good thing for you if you are able to trust her enough to tell her you will miss her. There are so many symbolic resonances about being able to trust someone you care about. You've made so much progress and gained so much insight in recent months that you really have a lot to build on.
>
> > And maybe I will write her a card.
> >
> > It felt good that she was little emotional. I had thought of her almost like steel like with no emotions.
>
> From what you said, she didn't really encourage a very deep attachment. But I tend to think if therapy is going to work there has to be some attachment, even if you don't feel like soul mates. I’m glad that she showed her emotions.I hope it gives you some confidence that it’s OK to show yours.
>
> About what you said in your other post, when you said you think she doesn't like you... Didn't you say once that she told you she likes you? I'm sure she was telling the truth and that she really does like you. You're a very likeable person!
>
> Tamar
>
>
>
>
Posted by LittleGirlLost on August 2, 2005, at 9:43:48
In reply to Re: Not able to tell my T I liker her so much !!, posted by deborah anne lott on July 31, 2005, at 14:29:35
>> On not being able to tell your therapist how much you like her -- If she's a good therapist she probably knows! But it sounds as if it would be a good exercise to tell her -- maybe preface it with all your fears of what the consequences of telling her might be so she understands just how hard it is for you.
I agree that a good therapist would already know. However, this is something I struggle with also. No one in my family ever (past OR present) says/said "I love you"; I never heard it even as a child. It seems taboo, almost like using vulgar language. Sometimes I want to tell my therapist I love her... even though I'm sure she knows, I think it would be powerful to actually verbalize. I'm afraid though, and wonder what would happen. I'm sure she knows, but for some reason, that doesn't seem like enough for me.
Posted by deborah anne lott on August 2, 2005, at 12:04:34
In reply to Thank You Ms. Lott » deborah anne lott, posted by pinkeye on July 31, 2005, at 17:21:06
I wouldn't throw myself into the fire -- I'd trust my fear to some extent. But what if you told her everything that you've said here -- that you feel that she doesn't like you and to tell her how you feel would be like throwing yourself into the fire -- and see what she is able to do with that? Maybe she'll be up to it and maybe she won't, but at least it'll be out on the table.
Posted by pinkeye on August 2, 2005, at 13:02:00
In reply to Re: Thank You Ms. Lott, posted by deborah anne lott on August 2, 2005, at 12:04:34
Thanks you Ms. Lott.
It will be my last session this thursday with her. I am terminating with her. So I guess I can try to tell her.
She also doesn't encourage any attachment. So it feels a little weird to get emotional with her. But I suppose I could atleast tell her she helped me a lot.
This is the end of the thread.
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